FauxVoix VinCuisine

New wine series (Cleopatra's Nose) at LCBO...

2012-01-25T13:59:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network has today learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, will be unleashing a new line of wines.

The Ministry of Remaining Resources*, to which the LCBO reports, will announce later today the Cleopatra's Nose varietal series of Ontario autochthonous wines. These are virtual history wines made in honour of the changing landscape of the great decisions of history. They are supposed to answer the question: what if Cleopatra's nose was shorter? What if Laura Secord tipped over her milking stool and started a fire instead of walking through the forest? What if Sir John A. Macdonald had stopped drinking? What if the Prohibition had never come to Ontario? What if VQA never existed? What if Inniskillin had bought Brights? There are many of these decisive moments and they must be celebrated, said the Minister of Remaining Resources.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

Grimsby reports: "The feeling within the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is that more money should be extracted from the populace. It is for their good (health, education and welfare) anyway. Now there's a chance, say the vintners and growers of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to use up all our scraps of experimental hybrid grapes that we've labelled autochthonous (indigenous). We can promote this as Cleopatra's Nose concept of virtual history.

"The nay-sayers in the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, don't want to see any historical changes or speculations. They do not believe in "what if". But the populace would like a chance to dream of a better life, and if they could change history, then polls show that they would. Cleopatra's Nose wines will help them dream on, be an opiate so to speak. The ABV alone, 15%, should help them achieve this."

More on this story after the announcement

* I owe this phrase to puppetmaster Ronnie Burkett.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Infused Twinkies Come to Ontario

2012-01-15T21:39:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network has learned today that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is poised to make a serious announcement at a Press Conference tomorrow.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this serious story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next day, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

Grimsby tells Fox that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario has purchased the rights from Hostess, the now twice-bankrupt food company, to continue the manufacture of Twinkies.

Grimsby goes on: "Our sources tell us that this version of Twinkies will be wine-soaked and available as a POS purchase by the cash register. The LCBO, in collusion with the Wine Council and Drinks Ontario, has forged a relationship with several international and domestic wineries to custom craft a delicious blend of wines. There will be a red wine and a white wine version. The LCBO Lab is working on a sparkling version for ceremonial events such as birthdays and holidays. The domestic sherry version will be available to the usual rubbies."

All of this will be announced sometime tomorrow after the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, comes up with a pricing formula. At the presser, there will be a distribution of recipes -- and samples -- for tiramisu, apple charlotte, and trifle. These will later be found at the checkout cashier, minus the samples.

And in line with Twinkies' history, the wine-soaked versions will have a permanent shelf life....

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Cohn: LCBO's pricing policy doesn't add up - thestar.com

2012-01-10T19:59:00.001-05:00

I just cannot make up this stuff...It occurs naturally..

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1113015--cohn-lcbo-s-pricing-policy-doesn-t-add-up?bn=1

Ontario's alcohol bottle deposit system expands to South East Asia?

2012-01-08T15:55:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just under 4,000 people every weeknight, has just learned that forensic accountants have been busy poring over the "recycle" books.

There have been loud rumours for some time that many of the bottles returned for their deposit fees have later gone missing. Apparently, the priority model for recycling is first to "reuse", and the rules have been diligently followed.

The word on the street that has filtered to our reporters is that certain key empty bottles of wine, for example some French chateaux bottles or boutique cult California bottles, seem to have made their way over to South East Asia, principally to the emerging wine countries of Vietnam and Cambodia.

Cartons have been seen loaded into containers for shipment to the West Coast and then sent further east by cargo freighters. The suspicion is that these bottles are being re-filled in Asia with native brew and then passed off as Bordeaux or Napa wines according to whatever the "recycled" label states. There have already been loud rumours that this is what had been happening with used Ontario VQA Icewine bottles.

Said a government spokesperson, "All we know is that we got a reasonable request for specific types of recyclable bottles, for which we were being paid a premium. It was another source of revenue-generation for the Good People of Ontario. It was all laid out in the letter of agreement sent to us by a Mr. Cosmo Kramer. As of the end of the year, we were still honouring that letter, and we were still being paid. We'll get a windfall from the Christmas and New Year bottle returns.

He went on, "At least they didn't ask for a reciprocal purchase and shelf listing for snake wine."

Meanwhile, Foxy Wine News Network is still awaiting the forensic report

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH/Foxy announces another successful year

2011-12-27T15:03:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - The GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy
Wine News Network completes yet another stunning and successful year in
promoting the alcohol business in Ontario, in co-operation with the Liberal
Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of
A Have-Not Province Run by The Grate McGinty. Our shareholders are extremely
happy.

What did we accomplish this year? In yet another stunning upset, GOSH Wine
News Services had swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards for bold
and beautiful false and fake news

Breaking stories appeared on the Foxy Wine News Network and the Canadian
Wine Hacks and Flacks Association -- stories about the former
CellaredInCanada wines, for example. Our spoofs and parodies for 2011
totalled about 50, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most
penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the
spoofs are based are real.

Top investigative journalism led to coverage of the LCBO now selling
wine at their Ontario stores in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine
scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master
of Wine Writing designation and MWW courses, and the purchase of the LCBO by
RIM.

More recently, GOSH and Foxy uncovered the Robert M. Parker Jr.
Retirement and Farewell Tour, the LCBO being slammed by Black Friday sales,
finding rogue vineyards in Niagara, the PIIGS Bake Sale and Fundraiser in
Ontario, and announcing the signing of the provinvial auditor as a freelance
writer for GOSH.

All stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet
http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an
empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and
Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in
Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

PS: Don't forget the Christmas and Holiday shows at Foxy Wine News
Network -- "Snag It, Bag It, and Tag It" (guide to cheap Christmas wines),
"Mulled Wine Escapades", "LCBO Eggnog Special Competition", "Durham
Warehouse Christmas Show" (live), and "Bubbles, Not-the-Charmat Express
Hour".

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Robert M. Parker Jr. to retire to Farewell Tour

2011-12-18T12:10:00.000-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, leader to just under 4,000 devoted watchers each weeknight, has just learned that Robert M. Parker, Jr., plans to leave the safety of his Monkton, Maryland, estate for an extensive bout of travel around the world, a sort of Farewell Tour.

Parker issued this statement: "Now that I'd got a stable of writers polishing wine notes for The Wine Advocate, plus control over my books, I can coast and do what I've always wanted to do attend wine trade shows, go to fantastic media dinners, travel on familiarization media tours, get paid to write complimentary wine reviews, and other assorted benefits."

Parker noted that he will be 65 in 2012, and will just love his retirement. "My health is fabulous," he said, "I've never been better."

Then he unleashed a bombshell: "2012 is also the Thirtieth Anniversary of the fabulous 1982 Bordeaux vintage, the one I put on the map and thus have slain all the other wine critics. I can now reveal that it was deliberate. It was because of my extra-terrestrial superpowers"

"So, in 2012, after the Tour, I'll bid Earth a final farewell. I will embark on a long voyage back to my planet of origin. By that time, my work here will be done. You know, it is ironic that I'm an alien, but I have been on Earth legally all this time just check with my accountant. No fences for me."

More on this astounding tale as the Farewell Tour proceeds

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

New FauxVoixVinCuisine writer tells all about wholesale-retail wine pricing

2011-12-11T13:29:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 viewers on a nightly basis, is proud to announce its latest wine writer: government auditor Jim MacCarter. Truth is stranger than fiction: You simply cannot write this kind of parody/spoof

He files this story from Queens Park--

"Recently I tabled my annual report with the Ontario Legislature, which (with the consent of the Grate McGinty) runs the Have-Not Province of Ontario. One of my highlights was noting that the alcohol wholesale pricing structure meant that wine, spirits, and beer cost more than necessary and that the monopoly makes lower profits than it could.

"In effect, I'm taking the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, to task for purchasing policies and pricing structures that mean booze is too expensive yet revenues are not maximized.

"A Wal-Mart would certainly go back to their supplier and say: 'Would you sell it to us cheaper?' We think a lot of suppliers would sell it to us cheaper, basically to get that shelf listing. The provincial monopoly is one of the biggest alcohol retailers in the world.

"Nobody else has that buying clout. The purchasing differs from private-sector retailers, which try to find the lowest wholesale prices. Instead, the Board focuses on the retail price it wants to charge for a product. Suppliers then work backwards and, at the Board's request, will raise or lower the wholesale cost of the product to fit within the company's price structure."

Apparently, The Grate McGinty's Finance Minister agrees. The Treasurer added that the Board's pricing polices are "counter-intuitive."

Stay on board for this one, folks -- it's compelling

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network announces Christmas Holiday shows

2011-12-04T18:33:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just over 4,000 viewers on a weeknight (fewer on the weekend), today announced its Christmas Holiday television line-up.

On Monday, December 12, at 9 PM (after the kiddies have gone to bed) enjoy "Snag It, Bag It and Tag It" a guide to every cheap wine offered by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. It's a two hour show, with about an hour for red wines and an hour for whites and roses. It is the same sort of deal as offered by the Board's "Brood & Think" magazine, that is, the entire shot is paid for by underachieving wine agents who must make ends meet in this age of The Scrooge. Repeats endlessly after every midnight during the rest of December, until noon the next day.

On Tuesday, December 13, at 9 PM, enjoy "Mulled Wine Escapades", the adventures of a would-be Santa who decided to arrive EARLY on December 23 and cause havoc with the dispensing of toys and favours. He becomes the victim of accepting too much mulled wine and has chills and spills on his sleigh route, led by a really red-nosed Rudolph with clove-nutmeg-cinnamon breath. Again, not one for the kiddies. Repeats every Tuesday until Christmas.

On Wednesday, December 14, again at 9 PM, watch the "LCBO EggNog Special" store managers decide to compete against each other in the creation of their own locally flavoured eggnog concoctions. Watch out for the Greek neighbourhood versions. Recipes furnished upon request, provided suitable ID and passport photo is submitted. Repeats every Wednesday. This show will be broadcast LIVE: you must be of drinking age in order to enter the studio.

On Thursday, December 15, at 8 PM (note: one hour earlier than the other shows) "The Durham Warehouse at Christmas". Watch how fork lift operators compete with each other in the stacking of thousands of cases of wines, beers, and spirits. This is one the kids will enjoy since it is always fun to see cartons get smashed in attempts to stack SKUs. Repeats every night at 8 PM until they get it right.

On Friday, December 16, at 9 PM, we'll have "The Consignment Warehouse Christmas Show" where the wine agents go virtual and decide to sell their wines in time for Christmas. Competition is fierce, but will the ladies' teams win again this year as they strive for a Three-Peat? Find out, but after the kids go to bed. Again, this reality show will be LIVE, but repeated endlessly on Foxy Wine News Network.

Then, on Saturday, December 17, at 11 PM, in the beginning of the run up to Christmas and New Year's, Foxy Wine News Network will have "Bubbles", a reality show which will be selling Champagnes with sex appeal. Details are being kept under wraps, but will be revealed as we draw closer to the time of the show. All we can say is this is where Bubbles meets Brandy, and the fur will be flying. Repeats on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve at 11 PM, and then it fizzles out.

On Sunday, December 18, at noon equal time will be given on the "Charmat Express Hour" to those loser non-Champagne sparkling wines.

Foxy hopes you enjoy all these shows. Keep informed.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Black Friday slams LCBO; sales result in mayhem...

2011-11-26T16:39:00.001-05:00

Unabashedly borrowed from The Borowitz Report...

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine New Services) The first-ever Black Friday liquor sale in Ontario has resulted in shambles.

In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, customers throughout Ontario visited the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty and jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes maiming each other to buy cheap wine and spirits.

"We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the
mend," said Prof. Andy Borowitz, chair of the Economics department at
the University of Toronto. "When people resort to homicide to buy
a sangiovese, that is very, very good news indeed."

Prof. Borowitz said he was "impressed" by the lengths to which some liquor customers were going to grab coveted sale items: "They're using tactics we usually associate with the Trawna police forces".

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Prof. Borowitz advised Ontarians not to enter a liquor store unarmed.

"If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you'd better have a weapon," he said. "Fortunately, liquor stores are offering several great doorbusters on full bottles that are on sale just inside the entrance. Just pick one up"

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty and other retailers' decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early on Thursday carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: "Now, Canadians will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier."

All in all, Prof. Borowitz said that the increased violence and mayhem at liquor retail outlets across the province was a testament to the greatness of the Canadian consumer....

More on this story as it plays out on Cyber MondayBe prepared for the heaviest Internet frenzy ever as hackers and consumers square off against each other with e-weapons of doom

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Rogue Vineyards found in Niagara

2011-11-21T20:24:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, proud home to over 4,000 viewers each working weeknight (more on unemployed weeknights), has learned that the Niagara Peninsula is using Google Earth to find rogue grape vineyards that don't have the proper permits.

Many of these vineyards are hidden away under the shelter of orchards. The town of Beamsville, for example, has used the satellite image service to find about 200 vineyards whose owners never filled out the required paperwork.

Such vineyards are extremely valuable; indeed, more valuable than the orchard canopies that they lurk under.

Violators were told to get the proper permits. So far about $65,000 in fees and penalties have been collected.

Agricultural inspectors said such vineyards were a taxing concern. Without the required inspections there was no way to know whether the vineyards were up to clonal standards.

"Consumers must be protected from scam grape varieties" said one inspector. "A Chardonnay musque must be a Chardonnay grape, not a Muscat. With hidden vineyards, any clonal selection can be suspect."

But some privacy advocates, such as those at Foxy Wine News Network and the GOSH Wine News Services, say the use of Google Earth to find scofflaw vineyards reeks of Big Brother and the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

More on these rogue vineyards as the situation develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2011 SPIFFY Award; now has a lock on it...

2011-11-12T23:47:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news.

SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace; it's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of Foxy Wine News Network and Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association stories about the former CellaredInCanada wines. His spoofs in this area for 2011 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the spoofs are based are real. Coverage had been given to the LCBO now selling wine in Ontario in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master of Wine Writing designation and courses, and the purchase of the LCBO by RIM.

The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) wine sub-series (incorporating SomewhereElse) and the Foxy Wine News Network series would have had higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issues. Nevertheless, the judges felt the two series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products and the Foxy Wine News Network could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).

"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as (the late) Little Fat Wino and (the still with us) Grape Guy I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino had been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

PIIGS Fundraiser in Ontario

2011-11-06T12:05:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, adored by over 4,000 watchers nightly in prime time, today learned that the WGAO, WCO, VQA, and the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association have come together to hold a fundraiser for the PIIGS countries in their time of need.

Essentially, the fundraiser (which has still to be approved by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Under the Thumb of The Grate McGinty) is in support of the poorer wineries and winemakers in those EU countries who are suffering within the Eurozone.

And the WGAO-WCO-VQA-CWHAFA consortium are also part of the enormous pressure being brought to bear on the LCBO to pay the PIIGS countries in a timely fashion for the wines that were imported to Ontario.

Details on the fundraiser are few, but it is believed to incorporate a baked goods sale, a silent auction of rare wines from non-PIIGS countries, a tent with a BBQ and 40 chefs promoting their tapas, and wines poured by Fruit Wineries of Ontario.

In view of the upcoming "European Autumn", a riff on the Arab Spring, the fundraiser needs to be done sooner rather than later, but organizers fear that government red tape may slow down the event.

Expediency is the order of the day, for any delay brings the PIIGS wineries closer to fiscal disasters, with the resultant drop in prices that can only injure local wine sales in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).

More on this impending disaster as it happens

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Validation of LCBO key to a successful future?

2011-10-30T10:58:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) Foxy Wine News Network, in conjunction with GOSH Wine News Services, has just learned that the LCBO, also known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is treating the recent re-election of Grate McGinty as the validation of its existence.

Sources close to the LCBO and to McGinty have been saying that the Corporation (formerly known as "the Board") is now going to start taking a stronger presence and employ press muscle in its search for more money to "give" to the province.

One of the first things it will do is lean on those wine critics who diss the Corporation's selection of wines and rate its wine inventories below 88. The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.

Said our source: "Every one of our wines is a winner. If it were not so, I would have told you. We have many rooms in our selling areas where we prepare fine wines for the masses. Why bother to speculate with a silly point system?"

The Corporation would continue to acknowledge single bottle faults and the like in wines, but in general, they are prepared to stonewall those critics who give low marks to the wines sold at the LCBO.

"They're taking money out of our pockets! Every low-rated review is a loss of sales and a loss of income to the coffers of this Great Province. The critics need to get on board during this time of economic recovery," said the Corporation.

The source continued, "We have ways to make them come around. We've also got some other ideas to discourage awarding low numbers. Just watch us."

More on this unhappy event and squashing of press privilege as it happens

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS -- RIM Blackberry to buy LCBO

2011-10-23T12:11:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) Breaking News from GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network

GOSH has just learned that Jim Sillieballs, half-owner of RIM Blackberry, has decided to buy the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

It will no longer be controlled by The Grate McGinty. Instead, Sillieballs intends to move the LCBO (lock, stock and barrel, so to speak) to Waterloo, Ontario.

Word on the street is that Sillieballs paid over 10 billion dollars for the LCBO, in a deal which would see all inventory, warehousing and administrative offices be consolidated within the city of Waterloo.

There is a loud rumour that Sillieballs' application for a brand of rye (to be called RIM Shots) was turned down because it was too blatantly branded to an existing product. In a fit of pique, he simply bought the LCBO as a deal condoned by The Grate McGinty, who claims that Ontario still retains the taxing structure and profits.

Apparently, the city of Waterloo has been on board for some time, and is delighted with the new industry and employment numbers. They expect several thousand employees to transfer to the city.

On this Day in Wine History...

2011-10-17T13:02:00.001-04:00

ON THIS DAY IN WINE HISTORY IN THE ALTERNATE BUT PARALLEL UNIVERSE --

A fill-in feature from GOSH Wine News Services..

On this day in 1927, the LCBO was founded on a bed of limestone, to encourage local grape production. But it was such a cash cow that the government abandoned its wine roots and ploughed the beer and spirit dollars into a make-work bureaucracy during the Great Depression.

On this day in 1999, the first animal-critter label was created. Significantly, it was a snake-in-the-grass and its contents were reviewed by prominent members of the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association as tasting like snake oil.

On this day in 1978, the first 100-point scale was used by Robert Parker, Jr. It was immediately stolen by many (but not all) publications around the world, although it was criticized as "inept" by those inept publications which had postponed their usage of points until later, jumping on the bandwagon after the horse had left the stable. For his efforts, Parker rates a 92, but he is maturing and in decline.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS FLASH: The Onion to "align" with Foxy Wine News Network

2011-10-10T19:40:00.001-04:00

NEWSFLASH -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with the Canadian version of The Onion newspaper.

Originally, The Onion had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that The Onion had prior exclusive rights to satire and sarcasm in Canada. They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM) is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that The Onion is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, The Onion has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.

From November 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all Canadian vinous happenings for The Onion, and The Onion will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.

In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.

Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

LCBO to deconstruct under Whodat

2011-10-01T11:58:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that Tom Whodat, the leader of the Official Opposition in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will seek to deconstruct the LCBO after he wins the election, by renaming it the "Limitless Conservation of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat".

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

Policy advisors have suggested that international wine purchases will be de-emphasized while Ontario wines will greatly expand within the rubber walls of the new LCBO, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat.

But Ontario producers have already suggested that they may not have enough grape product for sale, and that the Ontario Government may have to dip into its copious stocks of fruit wines, which, until this moment, seem to have been neglected.

Other advisors have suggested that a good Scotch and soda is just the ticket for Ontario voters, and have put their money on brown spirits rather than wines.

More on this story as it develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network shut out at recent Emmys & Geminis

2011-09-24T13:22:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network is bitterly disappointed that it did not win any Emmy or Gemini Awards this season.

When reminded that the Network is relatively new with no product before the closing date, the CEO said: "That shouldn't matter. We put our hearts and souls into our work. We worked really hard and we deserved the Awards based on the work that we did. After all, don't school kids get marks for just working hard, no matter whether they are right or wrong?"

He went on, "We broke many storieson the new red-light district in Toronto for drinking, the fact that Canadian blended wines were going to drop terroir, the WikiLeaks booze material release, the fabrication of the VQA system in 1992, and the concept of SomewhereElse wines."

"Plus, of course, the development of the LCBO buying and selling wines only in Euros. What more could the Emmy Academy of Television Arts want?"

When reminded that programs must be NOMINATED first before they can get an Award, the CEO said, "Oh, right. Maybe next year."

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Wine Dirty Talk?

2011-09-14T20:57:00.001-04:00

Source: floating around the Internet off and on for years, with updates.

For wine writers, it is NOT dirty talk to say --

1. "Spit or swallow?"

2. "Stick your nose all the way in"

3. "She's needs to open up a bit"

4. "I've had a '69 with my sister"

5. "My God! Check out the legs on that Blue Nun!"

6. "I keep Sherry on the rack in my cellar"

7. "I find the Italians flacid and the French hard"

8. "There are too many whites in this room"

9. "He needs to practice the swirl"

10. "She caught me sneaking Helen Turley into the house"

11. "We're going to be doing it vertically"

12. "You have to pull it out slowly, otherwise it'll shoot all over the place!"

13. "Have you tasted Mike Weir?"

14. "I'm smelling leather right now"

15. "Me and the guys did a 10 year old Tawny, it was sweet"

16. "Mind if I check out your screwpull?"

17. "Ladies, any of you enjoying my Beaune?"

18. "Wow that really swelled up, can you stick it back in?"

19. "Let it glide across your tongue"

20. "I'm sorry Madame but your Pouilly-Fuisse is awfully dry"

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Master of Wine Writing Course -- from an Ontario agent's POV

2011-08-14T20:25:00.001-04:00

From an Ontario agent who sent this in...

Master of Wine Writing for agents:

-how to recycle conference kit bags by donating them to auctions

-how to rewrite English as a second language descriptions on the back labels of wines

-how to ask wineries to send golf shirts and kitsch to give to the media

-how to describe wine to a woman in sexually provocative terms while gazing sincerely into her eyes without cracking a smile

-how to describe wine to a man in such a way that by the end of it he feels like his stock portfolio just increased

-how to disarm a persistent wine geek with heretofor unknown techniques in the vineyard that differentiate this wine from all others

-how to sidestep requests for helping people craft their entire month's journey to Tuscany (level two teaches how to avoid seeing the pictures upon their return)

-how to segregate media into different time slots at tastings so that clan fighting does not ensue

-how to display pens, notepads and other collectibles to attract media at a booth

-how to defer answering questions to the winemaker at trade shows so that the agent can find people who want to buy wine instead of pontificate about it

-how to fawn over the LCBO Head Office while stroking private buyers under the table

-how to keep the more obscure biodynamic rituals hushed for the purposes of driving people mad with curiosity

-how to buy your winery neighbours' grapes and make more wine in good vintages under your own label

-how to sell your winery neighbours the majority of your crop in poor harvests to bottle under their label

-how to source inexpensive branded novelty items to give to the media

-how to justify the 500 mile rule on distant sales tours
-how to give excess wine glasses to media and charity

-how to leverage allowing media to bring their dates to wine functions into good PR

-how to determine the exact point at which a wine should stay in the cellar or get donated to auction for the maximum charitable donation deduction

The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Master of Wine Writing Course syllabus announced

2011-08-14T12:35:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association has just announced the course content for its entry level Master of Wine Writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be a Wine Writer.

MWW I topics will include:

how to get a kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;

- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;

- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;

- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;

- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;

- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;

- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;

- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;

- how to pretend ignorance;

- how to diss and respect the LCBO in the same sentence;

- how to get free wine glasses for life;

- hoe to make yourself indispensable;

- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;

- how to ask questions at wine functions;

- how to get a free lunch everyday;

- how to recognize a wine pariah;

- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);

- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;

- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;

- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;

- how to beg for wine samples and alternate bottles;

- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;

The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Can Wine Hacks and Flacks Association to offer MWW designation

2011-07-31T19:58:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by up to 5,000 viewers every night, is pleased to offer, in conjunction with the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association, the beginning of a new online-television education relationship.

Beginning in Fall 2011, CWHFA (pronounced Kwee-Fah) will be offering through Foxy Wine News Network some new Master of Wine Writing courses leading to the M.W.W. degree (Master of Wine Writing). Kwee-Fah's Registrar said that these courses would not be similar to, nor lead to a Master of Wine or a Master Sommelier designation.

"Indeed", he said, "the MWW will be sitting over the MW and the MS. For one thing, it is one letter longer. For another, the MWW is concerned with writing about the same material that the MW and MS comprises, so the MWW has a more integrative construction of base materials.

"The MWW is a communication degree posited above the MW and the MS in interpretation. We will expound and expand on MW/MS materials and we will explain and demystify wine terms and concepts. The MWW will be able to fashion a credible, readable account of wines and wine tasting without resorting to a "sweaty saddles" or "kerosene" or "petrol" type of terminology. We'll lose such phrases as "Heavy-weight almost focused dessert wine. Whispers of cedar, structured blueberry and scant plum. Drink now through 2012."

"We'll also be looking into the type of hard-hitting investigative journalism-type stories that GOSH seems to find every day of the week why aren't the big boy wine writers picking up these stories? Because there are actually TOO many stories..."

"We hope to have some of these investigative experiences fashioned in writing and on television before the October 6 election, so we can see what the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty is really up to."

The Registrar of Kwee-Fah said: "We'll address this investigative issue when the time comes: it'll make a good textbook case for our students to write-up. Just watch us. We'll be everywhere."

Syllabi will go online September 1, while registration opens August 1 at the Foxy Wine News Network's website. More details will be posted later

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

LCBO to generate new revenue strategy ahead of Oct 6 election

2011-07-24T10:51:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by almost 5,000 happy wine drinkers every prime time hour, has just learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, has decided on yet another revenue-generation strategy to justify its existence and to bring in new dollars to the Liberal Government coffers.

Fresh intel suggests that the "still-to-be-verified-by-hacked-voicemail-messages" strategy will supposedly involve such things as:

-selling ANY wine made in the world in the Ontario marketplace, so long as it passes the stringent lab analysis for health safety. The fee for this could rise to $5,000 per analysis per shipment.

-increasing the number of Vintages offerings, both in wines and in frequency, to accommodate the new selling rules. What is now a bi-weekly release of some 120 wines will soon become a weekly release of some 1200 wines, followed by a DAILY release in 2012, probably offering 500 new wines each day. Importers will be expected to clear and sell out their wines within 14 days, to create space for newer incoming labels. Said a spokesperson, "This should appease those scores of thousands of wine lovers who have been begging for new wines."

-requesting that wine writers either pay a Friday Casual Day donation to the LCBO or wear a suit, with white shirt and tie. Ladies must wear cocktail dresses. Newer rules, to accommodate tasting 2500 new wines a week in 2012, will be promulgated later, and may involve overnight stays which will be billed to the wine writer.

-selling advertising on the brown liquor and wine bags.

-charging wine writers $10 for every day they taste and record wine notes on their laptops in the LCBO sensory labs. The LCBO has never charged for electricity before, but recent building brown-outs have been attributed to media charging their batteries with free electricity. Said a spokesperson, "This bit of gravy has been at taxpayer expense and it must stop."

-audio broadcasting of wine commercials in LCBO stores;

-initiating Drive-Through Liquor Stores in heavily urbanized areas.

The strategy will be implemented after the Civic Holiday weekend, and should generate several millions of Liberal dollars ahead of the October 6 election.

Apology from Foxy Wine News Network re: stretch water

2011-07-17T16:57:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine New Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, now enjoyed by over 5,000 nightly viewers, wishes to issue the following apology which was broadcasted in prime time:

"For the past two years, Dean Tudor, ace investigative reporter for GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network, had commented that the stretch water component of International and Canadian Blended wines was not a joke, that it was for real. We've read lots of your emails about your laughter, folks, but we've re-iterated over and over again that STRETCH WATER IS NOT A JOKE, THAT IT IS FOR REAL, and the Canadian public is paying big bucks in taxes on simple tap water.

"Tudor has said it, over and over: STRETCH WATER IS REALITY, it is not a joke.

"Well, guess what, folks, IT ACTUALLY IS A JOKE -- that's right, Stretch Water (no relation to Stretch Cunningham) is a one-trick pony joke that has been perpetrated on the Canadian public.

"Dean Tudor wishes to apologize for insisting that stretch water is real. He defers to the judgment of the email writers and hacked voicemail messages, and he apologizes for his mistake. To not do so would be irresponsible. If he were to continue to make such mistakes and misstatements, and not correct them, especially if each and every one of those statements happened to go in one very particular direction on the political spectrum, that would undermine the very integrity and credibility that he works so hard to pretend to care about."

"Dean Tudor also apologizes for directly stealing this apology from another satirist. It was not intended to be a factual statement."

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News: Parker to Change his wine scoring systrem.

2011-07-10T15:45:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services The Foxy Wine News Network, viewed by almost 4,000 people during the recent Stanley Cup games, today has learned that Robert M. Parker Jr., the Dean of Wine Writers, the guy who started measuring and evaluating wines in terms of school performance report cards, will be changing his scoring scheme beginning with wines tasted in August 2011.

Said Parker (no relation to the creator of the Spenser mystery novels), "It is about time I changed. I've come under so much flak from others over my ParkerNumbers. Besides I wanted to leave a legacy for Buddy, my bulldog."

In essence, Parker is shifting from an arithmetical scale to a common logarithmic scale, much like the decibel. "I've called it the Buddy scale", said Parker. "The common logarithm has a base 10. It is indicated by log₁₀(x). On calculators it is usually 'log'. So it is perfectly adaptable to the computer society."

The Buddy, then, is based on the common logarithm of ratios -10 times the logarithm of a power ratio. As Parker explains, "The signal-to-noise ratio describing the amount of unwanted noise in relation to a (meaningful) signal is measured in decibels and in Buddies.In a similar vein, the peak signal-to-noise ratio is commonly used to assess the quality, in this case, of wine."

Parker continued, "My 94 Buddy point wine is ten times better than my 93 Buddy point wine, and my 95 Buddy point wine is 100 times better than my 93 Buddy point wine. That's how it goes. It will give me more scope to refine my judgement with those wines that closely approach perfection upwards to 100 points. But like Zeno's Paradox, I may never reach 100 points again."

Initial responses have been fast, furious, and to some extent chaotic. Nobody knew that this was coming. The International Wine and Food Society abandoned its seven point scale in favour of the modified Richter log scale. The University of California at Davis immediately re-vamped its 20-point scale as a natural log. The Wine Speculator, though, stuck with its 100-point scale, saying, "There's nothing we can quickly do: the points are arrived at by committee. It would take years to change our glacial approach."

The Wine Writers' Circle of Canada commented, "We have no control over our members. They can use whatever numbers or letters they want. We got one guy who rates all the wines as either Tops, Dandy, So-So, Punk or Lousy. We have another who rates all wines in terms of whether they should be served to mothers-in-law. What can I say?"

GOSH: LCBO items "on sale" move exclusively to Twitter!

2011-07-03T19:02:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The LCBO today announced that it had joined the Twitterverse.

Beginning tomorrow at 10 AM, the LCBO will promulgate its usual special sales and deep discounts only through Twitter. These sales, indicated by the CSPC, will be for TEN minutes only, and must be completed by return Tweets pointing to pre-registered credit card data to ensure payment. Customers must, of course, have a Twitter account in order to take advantage of the sales.

Customers will then have 24 hours to pick up their purchases from a central location. Should the consumer already be in a store when the Tweet arrives, he can pick up the sale item then and there. Apparently, there is no limit on quantities purchased this way.

Initially, sales will be for $1 off a bottle, peaking at $2.50 off during the slowest selling time of the day. So there will be hourly variations, adding a bit of thrill to the proceedings. Some may even call this "gambling" or "rolling the dice".

As the system gets rolling, there will be special discounts and news alerts, plus the chance of pre-ordering Vintages products. There is also speculation that home delivery may be available, but only to the Twits.

"We're giving people what they requested -- virtual instant access to reduced prices. Eventually, the sales of all delisted products will also move over to Twitter, giving those Twits a leg up on purchases," said a spokesperson.

More as this story evolves

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network joins with "Thiis Is That"

2011-06-26T21:40:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 nightly viewers, is now pleased to announce a mutual P2P partnership with the CBC Radio show, "This Is That".

Effective July 1, immediately after "This Is That" returns for a second season, Foxy Wine News Network will be responsible for supplying wine spoofs and parodies to the radio show.

This cross-association between "This Is That" and the Foxy Wine News Network should in no way impinge on the veracity and non-commercial nature of the public broadcaster, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

On the other hand, Foxy Wine News Network's status will be increased immeasurably.

More on this story as the situation evolves

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO to buy and sell alcohol only in Euros

2011-06-21T22:23:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network today has learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty is poised for a major reconsideration and reconstruction of its currency policy.

The LCBO stated: "In addition to currency fluctuations, many factors go into pricing alcohol: freight costs, projected demand and what the competition is doing are some of the other considerations".

If prices on American or European products don't drop, it's not necessarily the LCBO who's benefiting, the spokesperson added. Roughly 90 per cent of the products on the LCBO General List are from suppliers who price their products in Canadian dollars when they are issuing quotes to the LCBO, she said. That means any benefit from a rising Canadian dollar would go towards wineries, breweries and distilleries, if the shelf price doesn't budge.

"It's really up to the supplier in most cases if they want to pass on the savings," she said. "We certainly pass them along when we can. We're not hanging on to the extra money."

In the high-end Vintages and Classics ranges, more suppliers tend to price their products in their local currency. Everything from bourbon to bottles of Burgundy and Bordeaux could be coming down in price.

In order to ensure that this happens to all alcohol (including the General List), the LCBO will now be buying and selling wine only in Euros, the preferred currency of the Western World. This will roll out individual controls such as protection for the wines of Portugal and Greece -- both countries are in serious financial quagmires and need bailing out -- as does Irish beer and spirits.

The United States, facing default on its loans, may do better in the alcohol business if it converts US dollars to Euros when selling to the LCBO.

For its part, the LCBO will re-jig their local cash registers and offer the consumer a bill in Euros, which can then be charged or debited through a Euro account or a dollar account (with the bank mark-up fees).

Said the LCBO: "Then it would be out of our hands, and up to the banks to decide what to charge their clients. We're only interested in selling alcohol."

Cash sales would have to be in Euros, and ATMs will be put into every store. The cash register receipt will clearly show all applicable taxes and freight charges, mark-ups, customs fees, and the like in Euros. This will make a level playing field, on which the LCBO both buys and sells alcohol in Euros.

As with all alcohol matters, Ontario and BC wineries are exempt from selling and buying in Euros.

More on this remarkable story as it progresses

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS FLASH: Winefox.ca to "align" with Foxy News Network.

2011-06-14T20:25:00.001-04:00

NEWSFLASH -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with Winefox.ca.

Originally, Winefox.ca had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that Winefox.ca had prior exclusive rights to the words "fox" and "wine". They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM) is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that Winefox.ca is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, Winefox.ca has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.

From July 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all happenings at Winefox.ca, and Winefox.ca will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.

In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.

Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Canadian blended wines to drop terroir

2011-06-11T15:45:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the Canadian Blended Wines Association (CBWA), an alliance of wineries dedicated to the production of 100% Canadian-blended wines, will announce its new blending philosophy at a press conference called for this afternoon.

On the table are a variety of wines that once had the name of Meritage or Conundrum, or simply Big Red or White or some other fantasy name. These wines are expected to be re-branded by the consortium, with an emphasis on a complete lack of terroir. The idea is to produce red and white wines from 100% Canadian grapes that will show no influence of microclimates, soils, winemaking techniques, oaking, etc. nothing whatsoever.

"We will defy anybody learning where these wines are from. We will name the grape varieties, according to law, but not the percentages used. We will name the vintage but not the location," said a spokesperson. Apparently, some of the wines used may also be from out-of-province, reminiscent of the old Unity label from Vincor, A Constellation Company.

"We strongly believe in the future, and the future suggests that wines will sell better if they have no terroir. Besides, it is easier to get them across the border without the word terroir on them," continued the spokesperson.

Of particular value to the CBWA is the fact that many of these wines can be vended to tasting competitions run by the Master Sommeliers or Masters of Wines.

"They'll be hard to guess at, and could prove to be a tiebreaker of a wine in the taste game. Could anybody name these grapes and location? We think not."

All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

More on this story as it develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Foxy Wine News Network releases relevant WikiLeaks material

2011-06-05T16:24:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by up to 1,000 viewers in that most highly prized 24 to 54 demographic, has just received the latest batch of WikiLeaks which concerns Ontario.

Buried within the trash of reports and emails was a gem of government concerns about the Good People of Ontario. Here's a verbatim excerpt from last year, with blocked names of individuals:

Committee Chair: "I know, but if you're the minister and you were getting 1,000 complaints a day of whatever nature about the [BLOCKED] Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate [BLOCKED], you would have told them, 'Hey, there's something going on here, people aren't happy'?"

Minister: "I can't speak for past ministers. They have to speak for themselves. But all I can tell you is, that it stands to reason that if you have a complaint about the tactics of a government agency the last place you're going to complain about that is to the government agency. You're going to complain to your duly elected local [BLOCKED}."

Committee Chair: "But then why aren't people tabling all those complaints? Because we don't have them."

Minister: "I got a letter in my question period book from an [BLOCKED} who complained to the minister about that very topic. So to say they don't exist is not true."

Committee Chair: "But they're not in the hundreds, they're not in the thousands..."

Minister: "I can't quantify. Even if there's one complaint, if it's a legitimate complaint, even if there's one complaint from a [BLOCKED] about the tactics used by a government agency we have to consider that complaint a valid question about public policy."

Committee Chair: "Sure, but we don't change public policy for one person do we?"

Minister: "Why not? If they're right."

Committee Chair: "We change public policy for one person?"

Minister: "If they're right."

More on the reaction to this particular WikiLeak as it happens

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

The Beer Store raises majority age needed for return of bottles

2011-05-30T14:39:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, proudly watched by almost 4,000 people nationwide, was stunned today to learn about The Beer Store's problems with LCBO bottle returns.

In the Annual Report filed by the Ministry of Bottle Returns, Foxy Wine News Network read that the top-heavy bureaucratic management layering has created well over a dozen positions that "sunshine" salary legislation shows make over $100,000 a year each.

In addition, The Beer Store, running at a loss. was forced to promulgate and enforce new rules for bottle returns: Since you must be 19 or over (and prove it) to BUY bottles of alcoholic beverages and pay deposits, then you must be 19 or over to RETURN the bottles for the deposit money.

This has the concurrence of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

Apparently, sources tell us, The Beer Store has taken back vast quantities of empty bottles of gourmet olive oil and vinegars for deposit. They look too much like wine bottles. "It's been the young kids that do this, looking for a quick buck," said one source.

Another said that harried The Beer Store employees do not take the time to properly read labels. They miss the Nutritional Data listed on each bottle, a tip-off that the bottle is not an alcoholic beverage container and thus has had no deposit paid on it.

A third source reported that the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is losing millions of dollars each day. This money is needed to cover both the salaries of the layered management at the MBR and the mandatory training programs in "label reading" authorizewd for the Turks and Caicos Islands' seminar centres.

Foxy Wine News Network finds it hard to believe that that many bottles of olive oil and vinegars are sold each day in the province. There is some talk about the Seinfeld-Kramer Trucking Company bringing in empty bottles from Quebec and Manitoba.

More on this story as we develop the necessary research skills to investigate sales of olive oils and vinegars in Canada

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: ICBM launch of new Cellared in Canada wines

2011-05-23T16:07:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the newly-formed International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs), an alliance devoted to the reformed CellaredInCanada program, will be launching two new series of wines.

The first series will be a critter series. "We did the due diligence thing," said a spokesperson the ICBM, "but found to our dismay that all of the best critter names were taken. Nevertheless, we are forging ahead with new red and white wines from off-shore and in-shore content, reflecting the character of the original countries, whether Chile, Argentina, Italy or Canada."

When asked what we can expect from the new names, the ICBM said, "We can still use critter names such as Scapegoat, Polecat, Cougar, Snake in the Grass, and Nag. All of these are under consideration."

The other series of wines, expected to appeal to a younger crowd by virtue of their low-alcohol content of some ten percent, will embrace the names of social media. There'll be a red wine label headed OMG, another dedicated to LOL, a third to RTFM, another to ROTFL, and even one labelled BFF. One can just imagine the ad campaign for BFF: hey, where's the beef?

The social media wines will be heavily advertised on Facebook, Twitter, My Space, LinkedIn, Blogger, Blogspot, and other sites for social writings. There will be no print or broadcast advertising, except for the critter wines.

At one time the ICBM was seriously interested in buying Freggie the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine, but research showed that the wine was 100% domestic and hence ineligible for funding as an ICB by Ontario, A Have-Not Province. The hostile takeover was quietly dropped.

All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

More on this story as it develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network to detail SomewhereElse wines

2011-05-15T14:17:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, which launched last month to a stunning audience of 4,000 nationwide (almost 1,000 in the most-prized demographic group!), has just learned that the International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs) have created yet another line of wines.

To be named SomewhereElse, the line will comprise some "100% homegrown fruit" (the word "homegrown" has not yet been defined) and be available for sale only in the wine stores operated by the ICBMs, which have all been re-branded as "Incoming Stores".

It is to be hoped that trading on the name "SomewhereNess" will direct a sales flow to the wine stores. Directors of SomwehereNess were not available for comment.

SomewhereElse will be up against Freggie the 100% homegrown fruit AND vegetable wine. A spokesperson for the ICBMs saw no conflict with Freggie since the latter's fruit is non-grape in form.

The new wine war between SomewhereElse and Freggie will be one of water rights for the stretch water component. Such territorial aggression will give new meaning to the ICBM's use of the word "Incoming" to describe their new offerings at their re-branded stores.

The Fruit Wineries of Ontario, who have a vested interest in Freggie, are incensed over the matter, and they promise to launch a terroir-driven series of fruit wines emphasizing farms and orchards. Fruit varietals will be matched against soil samples; the process is expected to take several years.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Ruled by The Grate McGinty has already suggested that they want nothing to do with the quarrels. Said a spokesperson, "This is all an internal matter, it has nothing to do with us. But of course they do need to resolve it".

More on this story as it develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

FW: GOSH: VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992

2011-05-08T17:48:00.001-04:00

Dean,

Were these documents found in the Bin Laden compound by the Americans...they have been trying to copy the VQA for years and refused to pay Canada a royalty.

signed; DZ with nothing better to do after spending the day hoeing and tying vines in my organic Riesling vineyard

From: dtudor@pathcom.com
To: dtudor2.fauxvoixvincuisine@blogger.com
Subject: GOSH: VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992
Date: Sun, 8 May 2011 13:50:49 -0400

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (with up to 4,000 viewers nationally) has just learned, to its astonishment, that a group of "leading Ontario winemakers" will be announcing this week at the SomewhereNess consumer show that the whole VQA system within Ontario viticulture was "entirely fabricated" between 1992 and 1994 by a team of winery project managers working "non-stop" to forge the relevant evidence.

Foxy Wine News, sifting through the documentation, has been pretty impressed with the evidence. They have been overwhelmed with names, dates, figures…

"We just started making things up," a spokesman explained. "Icewine, Meritage, vinifera such as Cabernet Franc (Cabernet what? Think about it), terroirs, the Bench system (St. David's? Welsh. Beamsville? Fred C. Dobbs), stretch water, hybrids such as Baco Noir or Vidal, Lake Erie North Shore (really? OMG), all the different legislation and Byzantine regulations, everything. Our biggest coup was sucking in the British Columbia government to copy our scheme. Nova Scotia was smarter: they did their due diligence."

Icewine, for example, was actually the work of a winery intern, a second year student at Brock University named Dwayne.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty said, "That's the first I've heard of this. Our shelves are brimming with VQA products: it's real. You can see the logo on the bottles. How can they just make this up?"

The consortium of "leading Ontario winemakers", when notified of this response, simply stated: "Pretty tricky, huh?"

More on this startling development as it breaks wide open…

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992

2011-05-08T13:50:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network (with up to 4,000 viewers nationally) has just learned, to its astonishment, that a group of "leading Ontario winemakers" will be announcing this week at the SomewhereNess consumer show that the whole VQA system within Ontario viticulture was "entirely fabricated" between 1992 and 1994 by a team of winery project managers working "non-stop" to forge the relevant evidence.

Foxy Wine News, sifting through the documentation, has been pretty impressed with the evidence. They have been overwhelmed with names, dates, figures

Icewine, for example, was actually the work of a winery intern, a second year student at Brock University named Dwayne.

The consortium of "leading Ontario winemakers", when notified of this response, simply stated: "Pretty tricky, huh?"

More on this startling development as it breaks wide open

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network creates two new wine shows.

2011-05-02T19:14:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network, viewed by up to 4,000 responsible people nationally, every night, continues to introduce new content.

First, Foxy Wine has secured the rights to Sarah Palin's Alaska series which promotes whitewater rafting, dog sledding, ATVing, game hunting and fishing. But they've introduced Canadian wine variations.

The spin-off for Ontario will be called "Tom Whodat's Niagara West-Glanbrook". It will cover the Peninsula, with Icewine banging, Asian lady bug crawling, pomace disposal, CellaredInCanada blending, burning vines and BBQ, VQA regulations, and other fun and games. There'll be a chance for viewers to connect through social media such as Fritter, Really Stupid Syndication (RSS), or My Face.

Second, Foxy Wine will begin its first reality television program, pitting CellaredInCanada and ICBM blends against VQA wines. They'll have naïve wine drinkers and some wine experts such as writers and sommeliers going through blind tastings of verticals and horizontals. There will be terroir specializations with right-wing terrorist groups.

They promise that someone will gag every week. And that someone else will get smashed or blotto and do funny things. The cameras will get right down inside the spittoon for that inside story. There'll be expectoration contests. There will be green room visits.

And, at the end of each show, one wine and one taster will be voted off the program. The last one standing, both a wine and a taster, will be guaranteed shelf space and a job at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. There'll also be a chance for viewers to connect through Fritter, RSS, or My Face.

This reality show, to be hosted by Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine New Services, will be known as "Dino's Vino Wino".

Stay tuned every night at 10 PM (Adult Content only).

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Geneticists to splice new genes into Canadian grapes.

2011-04-24T16:12:00.002-04:00

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network was stunned to learn earlier today that Frankenwines are on their way to Canada.

No, not wines from Franken Haut-Rhin in Germany. Frankenwines, as in Frankenstein…

The top secret scientific enclave in the wine world, centered at the Canadian Wine Research Institute in Saskatchewan, has apparently been hard at work developing new genes for splicing into grapes, to make the grape more wine-worthy.

They've managed to create a grape with the Canadian zombie gene, the one that makes you return to the store to buy much more of the same wine.

From Steven Harper's DNA (which is apparently freely available for cloning purposes from the Conservative Party of Canada) the engineers have spliced in the cold gene to automatically create Icewine grapes, no matter what global warming climate change is doing. They have also combined the Canadian zombie gene with the Harper gene to create a demand for more Icewine among Canadians.

But the triumph may be with the geneticists who have now spliced in the oak gene to red wine grapes. This will save wineries about $1500 a barrel, barrels that they will no longer need to purchase, and allow them to reduce prices.

All new genetically-modified wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

GOSH: LCBO to charge wine writers 20 cents for each wine sample bottle received.

2011-04-11T11:45:00.001-04:00

TORONTO -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- In its infinite double quest for creating a level playing field and creating new revenue streams, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, has apparently decided to DIRECTLY charge wine writers and others who receive free sample bottles of alcohol (wine, beers and spirits) for the twenty cent bottle deposit. The LCBO will soon require all agents and wineries, breweries and distilleries in Canada to inform them of the recipient of the free bottles so that the LCBO might send the recipients an invoice for the deposit.

A spokesman at the LCBO said today, "We didn't want the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to have to support wine writers by giving them the deposit for free. Some writers get a huge number of samples, and they are able to get a taxable benefit if they didn't initially pay the deposit. We don't believe in subsidizing anybody, certainly not to the detriment of the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. Fair is fair."

An industry source in the LCBO Accounting Department (and one familiar with the situation) said that the deposits on the samples given to some writers is large enough to constitute a taxable benefit. Having just gone through a battle with free perks and the like, with their employees no longer able to receive gifts, the LCBO is apparently going after similar situations in the outside world of alcohol beverage in Ontario.

But some writers feel that there is a certain element of tit for tat here.

Another well-known and respected wine writer feels that this is just another way for the LCBO to keep tabs on who is writing what and how much free wine they receive. After all, "Control" is the LCBO's middle name.

Still, the Canadian Wine Flacks and Hacks group wonders about the economic advantages. The bottle deposits must be recorded by the producer and transmitted to the LCBO, which then initiates the invoicing process. This last step costs a minimum of $25 for each invoice plus postage. At the end of the chain is the collection agency, which will probably be inevitable. It also invokes painful memories of the Green Permit book.

One wine blogger who also makes money off the ads on his website said that he might have to declare bankruptcy: "I'm totally dependent on the return deposit fee to buy food each month."

More as this story develops...

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network team found dead.

2011-04-01T00:21:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network Services) The entire GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network team has died after consuming a critter wine.

Early reports show Dean Tudor, Miffed Mole, and Brett Grimsby suffered from serious wounds resembling animal and dog scratches that covered their bodies. Their tongues and mouths, though, were untouched. The pathologist who performed the autopsies said this inconsistency is down to the fact that the three were expert wine tasters with golden SuperTaster palates. Obviously the critter wines were too smooth and innocuous to make dents in their taste buds.

Colleagues said these news editors and writers had recently received threatening notes, which were addressed to them and anonymously left in the broadcast studios of the Foxy Wine News Network.

Dean Tudor had just spoken an Editorial in the studio slamming the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province which had just changed its management model from an Open Mind concept to a Face Value concept.

Brett Grimsby had just turned in his video Editorial favouring the retention of water in CellaredInCanada wines and the subsequent dilution of FruitWines in Ontario.

Miffed Mole was about to speak on how we should not allow the sale of the LCBO to private hands, even though Mayor Ford Pinto seems to be going ahead with the move.

Questions: who let the dogs out? How will this impact on wine writing in Ontario? Will the freeze on false news affect outstanding lawsuits now that the three leading principals, winners of two major SPIFFY Awards, are no longer with us?

A memorial programme will be announced shortly, in conjunction with CellaredInCanada wine service. Stay tuned for more PR broadsides from "Harpy Government" communications and "Ford Pinto Nation" rebuttals.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH/FOXY Wine News: Red-Light District Approved by Ontario Government, LCBO HQ moves.

2011-03-23T14:34:00.001-04:00

City Councillor Mammoliti sees Toronto Islands as top choice for a red-light district. Toronto Star, March 23, 2011.

---------------------------------------------------

TORONTO (GOSH Wine News Services/FOXY Wine News Network North) In a stunning announcement to be made later today, Premier Grate McGinty of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will endorse Councillor Mammoliti's concept for a series of clubs and brothels on the Toronto Islands.

"We welcome this as a terrific fund-raising activity for the multiple benefits of government subsidization to the good people of Toronto. This should help them manage their $750-million shortfall in the 2012 budget and get us off the hook before the October election."

At the same time, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er Clone, er Crown Corporation, will be moving its antiquated headquarters away from Lake Shore Boulevard to the newly created tenderloin district. Said a spokesperson, "The need for a new building, coupled with a need to be closer to the prime source of income, makes it incumbent that we go where the traffic is. We will be even better situated to remain completely insular."

"Our new HQ," said another spokesperson, "will have state-of-the art furnishings and reception areas, as well as 2012-style cubicles for staff. Every bit of the gravy inherent in new government buildings will be missing from this one."

Visitors to the new headquarters will be provided with a customized skiff (named "Tender Loin") that will ferry agents, staff, copious red wine for the loins, and media between the mainland and the red-wine-red-light district. It will stop when required at the floating casino in the harbour.

GOSH: Mayor Ford Pinto to privatize some Toronto LCBO stores

2011-03-12T13:36:00.001-05:00

Ford to privatize Toronto Community Housing Corp.? "Absolutely" headline in Toronto Star, March 3, 2011.

=========

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Foxy Wine News Network (a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services) has just learned that Mayor Ford Pinto has been working on a plan to privatize LCBO stores within the boundaries of the City of Toronto.

The plan is apparently a simple one, even for Mayor Pinto. Toronto needs revenue and Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has just turned down a request for more funds.

"Here's what we're gonna do because I say so: we're gonna privatize all the retail stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province but only EAST of Yonge Street. It'll be a perfect fit with our waste management program which will only run WEST of Yonge Street. Got that? Nobody will even notice the difference in the sale of booze, but the city of Toronto will reap immense sources of revenue. After all, I'm 300 pounds of fun!"

When questioned why EAST of Yonge, Brother Doug the Elder added: "It makes perfect sense. All of the spending is here. Store 10 at Scrivener Square, Store 217 at Queen's Quay, Store 355 at Bayview Village they all offer between 1701 and 2000 Vintages products plus In-Store Discoveries. They're EAST of Yonge. There's nothing comparable in the west end. There's not a single store west of Yonge offering more than 1700 Vintages products. I looked it up; it's a public document in every bi-weekly Vintages catalogue."

"We've done the math," Mayor Pinto said. "We are prepared. The heavy drinking is EAST of Yonge. That's where we're gonna go. Contracts will be let out to the private sector to run the stores at a slight profit with markups moving to the city coffers."

Added Brother Doug the Elder, "Hey my brother Pinto now has a 72 percent approval rating he can do whatever he wants! Grate McGinty is at 16 percent. He has to heel to our commands, so far as Toronto is concerned."

Enabling legislation declaring the Toronto stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, an "essential service" is expected by the end of March.

More on this story about Ford Pinto Nation as it happens

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network being investigated

2011-02-27T12:00:00.001-05:00

The CRTC plan to lift ban on false news prompts political investigation February newspaper headline.

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The multiple award-winning GOSH Wine News Services has confirmed that it is under investigation by Parliament for spreading false or misleading wine news. Its sister company, Foxy Wine News Network, is similarly being looked at.

A CRTC proposal that could make it easier to broadcast false or misleading news has prompted confusion and criticism among opposition MPs and consternation to many of the unions that represent Canadian journalists.

It has also led to allegations of interference by the Prime Minister's Office and a hastily called investigation by federal politicians.

"I don't know when I've been so pressed for details," said Dean Tudor, founder and co-owner of FauxVoixVinCuisine and Foxy Wine News Network (both are owned by GOSH Wine News Services). "This has been all so self-referential. Why now????"

A Parliamentary group has been pressing the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission for years to do something about a regulation that bans the broadcast of false or misleading news because the wording appears to contravene the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

The commission recently announced it was proposing to change the wording of the regulation to say that it applied only in cases in which broadcasters knew the information was false or misleading and that reporting it was likely to endanger the lives, health or safety of the public.

"We've looked everywhere to try to find out who's pushing this, and we can't find anybody," said a spokesperson for the unions. But GOSH Wine News Services has deep sources who insist that the action has been spearheaded by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in order to try to shut down the GOSH/FauxVoix/Foxy Wine News Network complex, citing issues related to the health and safety of members of the public.

One example has been the amazing success of Freggie, the all-fruit and vegetable ICB wine which has been shown to be all too healthy, and is taking away sales from other ICBs on the shelves. As most intelligent readers know, Freggie does not exist except in the mind of Dean Tudor. Yet sales demand for this product continue to plague the liquor and wine stores of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

But as an opposition spokesperson said, "We all know our Prime Minister well enough to say we don't have to be in the realm of conspiracy theory here. We can draw our conclusions and they are pretty clear."

Behind the scenes, officials say the timing is purely coincidental, the PMO had nothing to do with it, and that the CRTC simply realized it eventually had to answer the concerns of the regulatory committee.

GOSH : Wine Bloggers Association Adopts NOT

2011-02-18T15:23:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that there has been widespread adaptation by various wine writing groups, such as the Wine Bloggers Association of Canada, of the word "NOT".

Apparently, the key word NOT is now being used in Canada to mean one different concept when said in context of another concept, and that the two could be mutually exclusive but only in certain circumstances, as in "Not necessarily bilingualism, but bilingualism if necessary".

For example, it is now permissible to speak of VNOTQA wines such as the former CellaredInCanada or (the newly minted term) InternationalandCanadianBlends. These are, of course, VNOTQA wines. Similarly, the new ICNOTB wines can be quite parallel to the VQA wines, and indeed will be priced as such.

The LCBO, according to "Not the Nine O'Clock News", will have to contend with its rival, the LNOTCBO, which is responsible for home made wine, (not) Fruit Wines of Ontario, and the FauxVoixVinCuisine website. Of course, the whole matter should be non-referential except for that latter sentence.

Both the LCBO, a Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-NOT (that word again!!) Province, and the LNOTCBO, A Have Province Unto Its Own, will stock the ICNOTB and VNOTQA wines together, on the same shelf.

GOSH has also learned that this use of the word NOT has been both endorsed and authorized by the Federal Government of Canada, to appear on all official documents.

Indeed, the funding grant given to Paroles Canada Words (the agency responsible for the creation and maintenance of Canadian words in play) plainly stipulates that wherever possible the words NOT and NEPAS are to be both employed and enjoyed irrespective of actual meaning and circumstance.

GOSH: New magazine celebrates International and Canadian Blends wines

2011-02-09T20:58:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- With changes in the Canadian wine world come changes at Shaw Media Inc.

CellaredInCanada(TM) wines (CICs) are now to be known as "International and Canadian Blends" (ICBs).

Shaw Media Inc. has bought CanWest, and with it, the "CellaredInCanada(TM) Food and Drink Magazine".

Because of Canadian wine changes, there will be changes in wine branding, and because of the new ownership of the CellaredInCanada magazine, there will be a re-titling and a re-launch.

Henceforth, from the Spring 2011 edition, "CellaredInCanada" magazine will be known as "Incoming; the ICBMagazine".

Details at the press conference/media launch, Drake Hotel, 4PM Tuesday February 29, 2011...

YOU ARE INVITED, RSVP regrets only.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

CanWest's Cellared in Canada Food and Drink magzine, contents for Winter 2011

2011-02-01T22:44:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) CanWest today released the table of contents for its upcoming Winter 2011 magazine, "Cellared in Canada Food and Drink Magazine":

**How Canadian critters take over Cellared in Canada labels: the Beaver explains.

**101 uses for an empty Cellared in Canada PET bottle

**Dining: do Cellared in Canada workers really need free wine for lunch?

**Stretch water: the true, inside story of thieves thirsting for power.

**Taste and try before you buy: how to conduct a Cellared in Canada blind wine tasting to fool the experts,

**What became of the legendary Faberge egg wine?

**Pending legislation seeks to clarify availability of Cellared in Canada wines: was that to be domestic wine? Or just domesticated wine?

**Mousse: does sparkling Cellared in Canada wine have one, or is it just a joke?

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Ford Motor Company to re-launch Pinto and rebrand it.

2011-01-23T20:42:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The Ford Motor Company of Canada will announce tomorrow that it is bringing back the plagued Pinto automobile.

This time, the car will be stylized as an "electric car" with no gasoline tank, thus eliminating the one explosive reason that the car was taken out of production.

The Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is ecstatic that hundreds of new jobs will be created. The car is intended to best use green power from windmills and wind turbines.

Ford is also exploring the use of electricity from methane gas production caused by the millions of Holstein cows in Ontario, A Not-Fart-Free Province.

GOSH has also learned from sources that the Pinto will be re-branded to shake off its previously poor image and to take advantage of the latest trends in naming or branding.

The new Pinto will be known as Pinot, to take advantage of the lust for California red wine of that name. The array of colours is expected to conform to both Canadian-Francophone desires and to the basic black of the original Ford, and to include the colours Pinot Noir, Pinot Gris, and Pinot Blanc. If you're Italian, you may choose Pinot Nero, Pinot Grigio, and Pinot Bianco. Later, Pinot Meunier (an off-white, dusty bone, flour-y colour) will be added to the array.

More on this story as it develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO Announces New Green Policy related to Transportation

2011-01-13T17:03:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) -- GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that the LCBO is changing its Green Policy.

Recognizing that it is actually more green to ship a lot of wine or spirits from Australia to Canada than to drive five kilometres to a store for a single bottle purchase (this return drive accounts for 30% of the overall global-warming emissions related to that one bottle), the LCBO is now implementing policy to regulate purchases, to ensure that it is Green and Efficient to buy alcohol at the LCBO.

Effective tomorrow, the LCBO will require proof of transportation before allowing a consumer to buy any alcohol.

If you are driving a car or a motorcycle, you will be required to purchase a minimum of one 12-bottle case of alcohol (it could be a mixed assortment) per visit. The purchase of one case is tied into the use of one vehicle, so it doesn't matter how many passengers there are.

If you arrived by public transit, you will be required to buy a minimum of three bottles. If you are walking or arriving by bicycle, you only need purchase one bottle.

Proof of your means of transportation will be needed on arrival, such as a car key with license tag, a transit transfer, or a bicycle. You'll be given a relevant tag which must be presented on check-out in order to obtain the bottles.

To help implement the system, the LCBO has brought back the Green Permit book, now so-named because of global warming climate change. The regulated purchases will need to be entered into the book along with the mode of transportation.

An industry source said that the book is needed to weed out the hired rubbies who would undoubtedly line up for single-bottle purchases in the stead of drivers parked nearby.

Said a spokesperson for the LCBO, "Hey, it's 1927 all over again!! We were prescient in using a "Green" book. We're returning to the Green Permit book after a fifty-year layoff!!"

More on this ecological happening as it plays out

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH celebrates a remarkable 2010!

2011-01-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

TRAWNA --(GOSH Wine News Services) -- GOSH is pleased to announce that it is celebrating a remarkable 2010. Not only did we NOT get sued, but also we were the FIRST with such stories as --

n Freggie launches both "Pinko" and "Gravy Stain" wines

n Ontario Crown Corporations to stop telling the truth

n Liberals to cut VQA prices

n LCBO changes its unopened bottle policy

n New iPhone wine apps

n Mayor Ford's wine agenda

n BATF regulations on wine over the Internet

n LCBO-SAQ liaison to wholesale wine

n Transparency Act to apply to the LCBO

n LCBO to match the lowest alcohol product prices in Canada

n LCBO stores to reuse G20 fences

n CellaredInCanada wines to be served at the G8/20 functions

n Release of secret fruit wine tasting notes

n Supreme Court to force GOSH to reveal its sources

n Car crash into LCBO building wipes out CIC section.

n Book launch for "The CIC Affair"

n The Mother of All Wine Apps

n Olympic Glitch Wine Games

n Toronto Mayoral candidates call for a boycott of Niagara wines

n CellaredInCanada wines to be gold standard in blind tastings

n FOXY Wine News Network unveiled

n Toronto International Freggie Festival

n CellaredInCanada Wine Society

n Stretch water component media conference

n LCBO poised to untax wines

n FauxVoixVinCuisine wines another SPIFFY Award

We broke more than 75 stories during the year !

Now, we'd like to wish you and yours a very Happy New Year.

Visit us often in 2011 (so we can pay our media bills) at

http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2010 SPIFFY Award yet again...

2010-12-23T10:38:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2010 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news. [SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace]. It's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of CellaredInCanada(TM) and Freggie(TM) stories. His spoofs in this area for 2010 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issue on which the spoofs are based is real.

The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) series would have had a higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such a local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issue. Nevertheless, the judges felt the ICB series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet, http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

GOSH: WikiLeaks comes to Ontario wine industry

2010-12-15T15:05:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) It has just been confirmed that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has hired the damage control firm of DeNile, Cover, and Exploit Inc.

Apparently, the WikiLeaks scandal has descended as far down as the sale of alcoholic beverages in Ontario. We are not sure what this means, but GOSH has surmised that intense speculation throughout the industry can only mean that such occurrences as secret wine tasting notes, price fixing, intraprovincial trading, and the like are about to be revealed soon.

Employees at the Crown Corporation have avoided GOSH's penetrating questions, Booze Ontario has refused to comment, the Winery and Growers' Allianze of Ontario did not return our calls, the Wine Counsel of Ontario hung up on us, and the Very Qualified Assessment board, while inviting us in for a drink, just smiled and refused to talk to us. Fruit Wines Ontario referred GOSH to the Freggie CellaredInCanada company. Wine Writer groups (real and bloggers) have avoided the issue in their writings. ICB Brands Inc. could not be contacted because they do not yet have a phone.

But this we have learned: the emails to be released by WikiLeaks will contain sordid information that could bring down a government. The question is: which government?

Apparently, the problem has been exacerbated by the records of people who get no respect in the industry. Said one industry source: "I'm so tired of being dissed."

"Name calling" seems to be about half the substance of the leaks.

More on this story as it slowly comes out

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Freggie unleashes second wine this week

2010-12-11T20:13:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) The GOSH Wine News team has learned that Freggie, the all-fruit and all-vegetable Ontario wine, is poised to release its SECOND top-secret wine in honour of the newly elected Council of the City of Toronto.

Last week it was announced that "Gravy Stain" would be forthcoming. Later this week, its new partner will be known as "Pinko".

The secret blend embraces raspberry juice, beet juice, and a dollop of Cherry juice. It will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

Freggie has advised that the wine must be stocked on the left side of the shelves.

GOSH: Freggie launches "Gravy Stain" wine to commemorate new Mayor Ford

2010-12-07T10:29:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) -- Later today at a special dinner in Toronto to celebrate the Coronation Of Robert ("that dirty little coward who shot Mr. Howard") Ford as its pre-apocalyptic Mayor, it will be announced that Freggie , the all-fruit, all-vegetable CellaredinCanada wine, will unleash the first in a series of special bottlings.

To be called "Gravy Stain", the Freggie creation will have a leaky top that will ensure a gravy stain whenever some one pours a drink or, most likely, quaffs right out of the bottle.

It will be introduced by Don "Maraschino" Cherry. The stain cannot be removed, unlike political incumbents.

Positioned at $6 a litre, the grey-brown wine will also be highly sought after for its cute and inventive label. Said one wine writer, "The winery managed to eliminate that burning, lingering aftertaste."

It will be available exclusively as +000666 on the General List at all stores owned and operated by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Ontario Crown Corporations Orderd to Stop Telling the Truth

2010-12-02T12:24:00.001-05:00

Grate McGinty Orders Crown Corporations to Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice; Fallout from Ontario WikiLeaks Mess. As extensively borrowed from Andy Borowitz at www.borowitzreport.com.

[Dedicated to the late, great Larry Paterson aka Little Fat Wino]

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) In the first major policy fallout from the Ontario WikiLeaks disclosures, the Grate McGinty has ordered all employees of the Crown Corporations of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

"We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again," the Premier's Office told reporters. "But until
we've got the leaks plugged, it's incumbent on all our Crown employees to put on their lying caps."

The Office noted that since many Crown employees are major political
donors with long careers in the business world, "this shouldn't be a reach for them."

But for those career employees who came up through the ranks, the
Treasury Board will be holding a series of "truth avoidance seminars," led by executives of the Toronto media.

Additionally, the Treasury Board said, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, would install on all employee computers new software called CandorShield, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, is exempt from the rulings because nothing ever leaks from their containers.

More on this story as untruths generates

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

NEWS ALERT: CORRECTION to CLARIFICATION re: CORRECTION Notice on VQA wine prices.

2010-11-23T09:30:00.001-05:00

NEWS ALERT -- NEWS ALERT -- NEWS ALERT

!!!!!!!!!! -- FOUR BELLS -- FOUR BELLS -- !!!!!!!!!!!!

**********************************************

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to issue a CORRECTION NOTICE to the CLARIFICATION NOTICE (Nov 21) of CORRECTION NOTICE of Nov 19: re changing VQA wine prices over the next five years.

GOSH had said -- "We had originally said: "Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed." To CLARIFY -- this has NOT been confirmed. Our egg whites did not clarify this muddled statement from our insider sources. There is every possibility that the numbers were reversed, and that VQA wines COULD increase at the phenomenal rate of 64% over the next five years. What has been confirmed is that the price of VQA wines will NOT increase 5% over the next 46 or 64 years."

It turns out that we NO LONGER have any "muddled" insider sources -- they fled.

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to apologize and grovel for any inconvenience that its CLARIFICATION NOTICE to the CORRECTION NOTICE of Nov 19, 2010 had caused. We promise to do better -- until the next time.

More on this story as we continue to monitor the situation ...

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

CLARIFICATION to CORRECTION re: VQA price hikes

2010-11-21T16:48:00.001-05:00

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- CLARIFICATION NOTICE to hold off any potential law suits:

-- GOSH Wine News Services wishes to issue a CLARIFICATION to its CORRECTION notice dated November 19, 2010.

We had originally said: "Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed."

To CLARIFY -- this has NOT been confirmed. Our egg whites did not clarify this muddled statement from our insider sources.

There is every possibility that the numbers were reversed, and that VQA wines COULD increase at the phenomenal rate of 64% over the next five years. What has been confirmed is that the price of VQA wines will NOT increase 5% over the next 46 or 64 years.

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to apologize and grovel for any inconvenience that its CORRECTION notice had caused. We promise to do better -- until the next time.

More on this story as we strictly monitor our insider sources...

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

CORRECTION by GOSH Wine News Services re: VQA Wines and Hydro Rates.

2010-11-19T18:55:00.001-05:00

CORRECTION:

The item recently issued by GOSH Wine News Services which broke the news that VQA wines would begin selling at a discount of 10% was, in fact, released in error. Our inside sources had confused the word "hydro rates" with "VQA wines".

What our sources meant to communicate is that the hydro component of CellaredInCanada(TM) wines would be sold at a 10% discount. The stretch water component of CIC wines (code named "hydro") would be listed on all LCBO cash register receipts for CIC wines, and a value based on the stretch water component would be eligible for a 10% discount.

Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed.

GOSH BREAKING NEWS: Liberals to cut VQA wine prices by 10 per cent.

2010-11-17T11:23:00.001-05:00

BREAKING NEWS: Liberals to cut VQA wine prices by 10 per cent.

Ontario Finance Minister Dwight Duncan is set to announce a substantial decrease in VQA wine prices for Ontario consumers Thursday.

The Liberal government will cut Ontarians' VQA wine bills by 10 per cent starting on Jan. 1, GOSH Wine News Services has learned.

Finance Minister Dwight Duncan, bolstered by a $1 billion reduction in the provincial deficit, is to announce "substantial VQA wine relief" in Thursday's fall economic statement.

The new "Ontario VQA Wine Benefit" will be clearly visible on cash register receipts and bills, which should jolt the Liberals' political fortunes with a provincial election set for Oct. 6, 2011.

It takes effect in the New Year.

Senior officials confided the cash relief is designed to help consumers cope with prices that continue to rise in part due to ambitious winery projects and new LCBO infrastructures.

"We want to help out and we want it to be meaningful," said one insider.

Other Liberal insiders believe the 10 per cent rebate is "a game changer" as the second-term government focuses more on pocketbook issues in an election year.

Speaking to reporters, Conservative leader Tim Hudak belittled the VQA wine relief. "This is another huge backtrack by the McGuinty government," Hudak said.

More on this breaking news as it develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO changes unopened-bottle return policy, reserves deposit fee?

2010-11-13T18:06:00.001-05:00

NEWS ITEM: On Sept. 30, the LCBO changed its unopened-bottle return policy so customers will need a receipt to get a refund or to exchange a bottle. (Toronto Star, Nov. 1, 2010)

---------------------------------------------------

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) - The Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has quietly changed its unopened-bottle return policy so customers will now require a receipt to get a refund or exchange a bottle.

As of Sept. 30, the provincially owned monopoly had secretly decreed that retail customers have only 30 days from the date of purchase to get their money back or turn in unwanted products for something else. This policy was just announced November 1, a full thirty-one days since it became official.

The announcement blindsided many drinking patrons who regularly park themselves by the Corporation's doors.

"I had no idea," said one old-timer. "I thought everybody drank the bottles they bought. We certainly do," he said, gesticulating to his nearby friends who had surrounded a barrel that had a roaring fire.

In the event that a customer has lost or misplaced a receipt, the store manager could issue a gift card worth the same amount of the bottle. But it can then only be applied to Ontario VQA wine.

Said a spokesperson from the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, "We like to help the local wine industry. What's good for them is also good for us."

But it is speculated that those wine drinkers who do not want to consume Ontario VQA wines can barter for a receipt from one of the LCBO old-timers. Apparently, it has been found that LCBO staff never look closely at the receipts.

When asked to comment, Tin Whodat?, Conservative leader in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, expressed some conservatism: "Listen, if I have a bottle, I want to take back to the LCBO. I should be allowed to without a receipt just like it has always been." [note: this is an actual quote from the Conservative leader]

At the same time, getting lost in the shuffle is the twenty cent credit for the deposit of the returned bottles. When this was pointed out to LCBO staff, the cashier said that it was just a software glitch, and that the refund would be posted to the buyer's account at a later date.

The LCBO is one of the world's largest alcohol retailers. It paid a $1.41 billion "dividend" to the Ontario government last year and an additional $405 million in provincial sales tax and $450 million in federal GST, excise taxes and customs duties.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: New iPhone app seen as a perk of Wine Writer membership.

2010-11-06T19:27:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Wine Writers of Canada group is happy to announce that it has developed a new iPhone application for its members.

The app is free, but you must be a member of the group in order to download, install, and access it.

It's being seen by many as a major perk of membership.

The app, called Wino Function, has been developed with the co-operation of all of players in the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, wine industry.

Simply put: your iPhone will beep continuously starting at 20 minutes before the beginning of any wine function in the GTA. Or, if you live in the Canadian hinterland of Lake Erie, Winnipeg, Halifax, or Prince Rupert, the beeps will start 20 minutes before any wine function in your own area or region. The beeps are bilingual, but closely match the harmonics of "How Dry Am I?"

By picking up the phone, you will receive a text message itemizing details of the upcoming tasting. Depending on where you are at the time, you may never be late for another tasting again. The beeping stops as you arrive at the tasting.

This is considered a boon for those who attend several functions a day, because in addition to the announcement of the next upcoming tasting, there will always be a handy list of excuses for an early departure from a currently happening tasting.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS: Slither Man promises wine for vote switchers.

2010-11-03T10:08:00.001-04:00

NEWS ITEM: Toronto Life had reported (October, 2010) that mayoral candidate Rob Ford offered their feature writer: "bottles of wine as a gift when I visited him in his office and seemed puzzled that I thought it inappropriate, as a journalist, to accept what might be read as something other than an act of generosity."

_____________________________________________________________________

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) Defeated Trawna mayoral candidate Slither Man, in denial for more than a week, today will call a news conference to announce his plan for election.

Sources say that he has brokered a deal with the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province. Using his connections with the ruling Ontario Liberal government, he proposes giving a free beverage of choice Ontario wine to any voter who switches his vote from Ford Pinto to Slither Man. That beverage could be Freggie, a fruit wine, VQA, or even the ever-popular CellaredinCanada wine. This action would also help the ailing Ontario wine industry.

It had already been pointed out to Slither Man that municipal votes, unlike provincial votes, are irreversible and cannot be switched. But he is determined to go through with the "new" election.

"If you can prove that you switched your vote from Ford Pinto to me, then I can get you a bottle of Ontario wine. All I need is a vote receipt, available from any District Returning Office." said the candidate.

Ford Pinto's response will apparently double the stake. "I will offer many bottles of Ontario wine just like I did to that media hack. Whatever he didn't take will be up for grabs. Nobody switches on me, you hear. Nobody."

When asked to comment on the stretch water component, both Ford Pinto and Slither Man professed ignorance and both walked away.

BREAKING NEWS: Ford Pinto`s Agenda

2010-10-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

This just in, to GOSH Wine News Services --

We have just learned that Ford Pinto`s agenda, on which he has been beaverishly working in preparation for the day when he assumes office, will contain, among other things, the addition of "gravy" to the all-fruit, all-vegetable Freggie(TM) wine. This version of Freggie(TM) will only be available for sale within the City of Toronto as it offends both PETA and vegans, prime targets of Ford Pinto.

Freggie (TM) Toronto Subway Train, as it will be known, will be marketed as "Freggie(TM) Train: the gravy taste drinkers can't wait to finish"

The gravy train aspect of Freggie(TM) has been widely rumoured for some time, since it is the leading all-fruit, all-vegetable wine in Ontario and hence susceptible to smear and negative marketing campaigns.

More on this story after the announcement of Ford Pinto's agenda...

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BATF Report on Wine, via the Internet

2010-10-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

From the Internet, decades ago...updated by me.

BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS --

REPORT #2010-17: AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE WINE INDUSTRY

DEFINITIONS:

Fully automatic - a bottle designed to be emptied at one sitting without
reclosing (also known as "cork-closure")

Semi-automatic - a bottle designed to be reclosed and poured
again (also known as "screw-top")

Assault bottle - a fully automatic high-capacity bottle
(street slang: "jug" or "magnum")

Hand bottle - a small, easily-concealed bottle, flask, or horn

Saturday Night Special - an inexpensive wine with high alcohol
content (such as Mad Dog 20-20)

THE NRA:

Wine devotees have created the NRA (National Riesling Association) to
present a respectable public facade, as well as to peddle influence
(known in the trade as "juice") to government officials. Controlled by
sinister French, Italian, and Californian families and their hirelings,
the NRA
tries to suppress all reasonable efforts to regulate the wine industry.
They operate covert production facilities in such locations as the
light-
tight basements of private wineries, also known as "caves", where public
scrutiny can easily be avoided.

Through the lavish distribution and use of their "juice", many
celebrities
and public officials have been co-opted into NRA participation. The
activities of such fellow-travellers as Wilbur Mills, Dean Martin and
Dudley Moore are well-documented, and need no elaboration here. Orson
Welles, before his untimely death from overindulgence in strenuous NRA
training, dared to suggest that wine consumption was part of a healthy,
quality lifestyle. Senator Ted Kennedy had been known, on numerous
occasions, to engage in pro-wine activities, ultimately leading to
clothing-optional activities. Charlton Heston was another involved
personality.

WINE MILITIAS:

Extremist NRA members join wine militia cells, often referred to as
"tasting groups". Camouflaged in Birkenstocks and Polo shirts, they
engage
in clandestine night-time and weekend maneuvers they innocently call
"horizontals" and "verticals". Militia members have also been observed
purchasing unregistered bottles (usually by the dozen, or "case") from
vendors of dubious repute around the globe, and shipping them illegaly
and
clandestinely across governmental jurisdictions disguised as "olive oil"
or "auto parts". They unabashedly perform these deeds in full view of
their children, who eventually learn to accept this deviant behavior as
normal.

At various times, wine militias have exploited the labor of repressed
people in such countries as Chile, Bulgaria, Slovenia and South Africa
in
order to satiate the palates of their oppressors.

Some well-to-do wine militia members possess extensive arsenals that
they
could not possibly consume themselves. They conceal these arsenals in
vast, underground temperature and humidity-controlled bunkers called
"wine
cellars", to which they repair with other militia members for lengthy
periods of time during which they admire, fondle, sort, and wax poetic
at
interminable length about their "collections". They baldly maintain
these
outsize "collections" are solely for personal "recreational" use.

The most radical militia members practice a frightening survivalist
creed known as "home winemaking". Assaulting governmental authority,
these sociopaths manufacture unsophisticated but powerful wines from
easily-obtained, unregulated ingredients such as Concord grapes
purchased
at the local grocery store or grown on their own private property. Their
goal is to inflict their wines on innocent members of the public; given
the
potential for mayhem this can cause, confrontation with these ultra-
extrmists is to be avoided at all costs. Their products are routinely
condemned even by more mainstream NRA members.

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT DAVIS

This is a primary indoctrination and training center for the NRA.
Unsuspecting youths, ostensibly enrolling to obtain what is
euphemistically
termed a "higher education", quickly absorb the ideology of their elders
and new masters.

From Davis, zombie-like "graduates" spread fifth-column messages across
the
country, encoded in shibboleths with such strange appelations as the
now-
unmasked and discredited "AxR 1 rootstock" cipher and "micropore filter"
dogma. There's a reason why a glassy-winged insect is called
"sharpshooter".

Of particular note, one Doctor Noble (we believe this to be an blatantly
assumed aristocratic pseudonym) has contrived a brightly-colored wheel-
shaped plastic plaything to lure ever-younger children into her minions
through the expedient of likening the unpleasantly alcoholic olfactory
sensations of wine to familiar, everyday smells.

LINKS TO ORGANIZED CRIME AND HATE GROUPS

Wine militias have shadowy links with many other underground
organizations.
Among the most blatant examples:

*Chianti is routinely consumed by the "button men" of Sicilian crime
families, who also engage in extortion, gambling, prostitution, drug-
dealing and assassination. The upper echelons of these same families
are
reported to prefer regular consumption of nebbiolo-based products
over the local primitivos and negro d'amaros.

*The Aryan nation and many skinhead groups are known to drink cheap wine
and other potent alcoholic beverages before engaging in hate crimes.

*Reliable informants have also observed virulently anti-Arab sects using
vast quantities of wine in secret rituals masquerading as religious
ceremonies. Mogen David, which reputedly contains more alcohol per
dollar than any other wine, figures prominently in this subculture.

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PROPOSED LEGISLATION

- Hold vineyards responsible for all crimes and losses caused by
persons consuming the wines they originate
- 5-day waiting period and background check for all wine purchases
- Registration of all hand bottles
- Ban manufacture and importation of assault bottles for civilian use
(Magnums would still be available to law enforcement agencies)
- Ban assault bottle "look-alikes" (such as sparkling cider and near
beer)
- Ban mechanical uncorking devices, which allow fully automatic pouring
and have no legitimate sporting purpose
- Ban Saturday night specials (i.e. Mad Dog 20-20, Thunderbird)
- Ban arsenals of more than 10 bottles
- Design all bottles to dispense no more than 2 oz. per pour; the bottle
would have to be raised to dispense another portion
- State-operated wine armories would store bottles for individuals until
they are ready to consume them. Wine tasters would then surrender
their
drivers licenses until the empty bottle is returned and a satisfactory
blood alcohol check is performed.

WINE SAFETY EDUCATION POINTERS

Always keep wine locked in a wine jail when not in use
Always store corkscrews separately from bottles
Keep your finger off the corkscrew lever until ready to open
Always aim a bottle in a safe direction (applicable to sparkling wines)
Always treat every bottle as loaded
Always treat every wine taster as loaded

SUBVERSIVE SLOGANS ON BUMPER STICKERS SOLD AT WINE EVENTS

Wine doesn't kill people - people kill people
I'd rather be drinking!
Bottle on Board
I have an honor student at the Cape Wine Academy
Driver only carries $50 worth of cabernet
This car stops for all wine sales!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Crime control -- not wine control
Wine tasters do it with their tongues
I'm pro-wine and I vote!
I love my wine, but I fear my government
I'll give up my Dominus when they pry it from my cold, dying hand

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Top Ten Wine Predictions for the Upcoming Decade.

2010-10-17T12:53:00.001-04:00

NEWS item: The Globe and Mail, in its eager attempt to drum up specious advertising for a specious audience, has replaced lefty columnist Rick Salutin with a continuing stream of doom and gloom predictions for the next decade. (Oct 9, 2010)

-------------------------------------------

TORONT0 (GOSH Wine News Services) On Monday, October 18, 2010, in Prime Time, GOSH Wine Services will unleash its Top Ten Wine Predictions for the upcoming decade, 2011-2020. Full details will be given at the appropriate chronological moment. But Miffed Mole has leaked the top ten:

10. In a stunning switch to implement the new P2P relationship in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, the heads of the LCBO and Constellation Brands will switch for a fiscal year. Bob Peter becomes CEO of Constellation Brands, and Rob Sands becomes CEO of the LCBO. The "Rob and Bob Show" continues with brother Richard Sands assuming the lateral-move to Chairman of the Board position with the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province. It is anticipated that there will be no changes whatsoever, now or in the future.

9. The Vintners' Quality Alliance (VQA) for Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will re-brand itself as the VOCATIONAL QUALIFYING AUTHORITY (VQA) for licenses to winemakers. All Ontario winemakers must now go back to an Ontario wine school in order to obtain professional credentials.

8. Worried over the increase in both wine and bottling prices, Franzia has decided to rename the Charles Shaw brand. The company has apparently decided to use some inferior mediocre wines from the Central Valley rather than seek a price increase. The new name in California will now be Two Buck Upchuck.

7. The Wine Bloggers' Circle of Canada (WBCC) will be pleased to announce the arrival of its one millionth member. There are now more people writing about high quality wines (over $8 at the LCBO) than there are actually consuming them.

6. GOSH Wine News Services will continue its top wine investigations by employing more data-driven journalism, supported by bottle deposits from friends and other writer groups in order to pay for access to documents through the Freedom Of Information Act at the LCBO, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

5. Realizing that there is a major conflict of interest between regulating and selling beverages in Ontario, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will wisely split up the LCBO into the LCBO and the LCBO. The former LCBO, A Clone, er, Crown Corporation, will regulate the sale of alcohol to the consumer, while the latter LCBO, re-named as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, will become A Clown Corporation, and charged with regulating the sales of all beverages in Ontario (water, alcohol, coffee, soft drinks, apple juice, and more). Each store must hire a Clown to look after the sales.

4. There will continue to be no alcoholic beverages sold at Farmers' Markets until after the year 2020. Non-VQA wineries will continue to be prohibited from using the word "Ontario" on their labels. In fact, regulations for non-VQA wines will be further tightened so that there will be no words on the label that relate to identifying where the wine was made. Fruit wineries of Ontario will continue to beat their heads against the walls of the government.

3. The Wine Writers' Circle of Canada will set up a wine wiki site, the be-all and end-all of wine knowledge.

2. Because of the new Transparency Act in Ontario, the cash register receipt from the LCBO will be unbundled. This paper will reveal the true taxes and fees, mark-ups, laboratory testing costs, shipping, and the like. GOSH Wine News Services predicts that once the public knows about the changes, there will be riots in the streets and SWAT teams will be needed to protect LCBO stores and its employees.

And the Number One Wine Prediction for the upcoming 2011-2020 decade? -- drum roll please --

Number One:

To the Liberal Government's embarrassment, people will actually start talking about the STRETCH WATER COMPONENT of Ontario wines. On this one issue, they cannot be shut up. Their motto "Water Forever" rings from the rooftops and surrounds Bay Street. There is even a Stretch Water Party (SWAP) led by Ms. Euphrasie Cosette who predicts victory on October 6, 2011!!!

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO-SAQ Liaison to Wholesale Alcohol.

2010-10-11T17:48:00.001-04:00

News Item: The SAQ is venturing outside its borders as a wholesaler (Globe and Mail, Oct 5, 2010).

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) Tomorrow the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, will be announcing that it is joining its colleague Societe des Alcools du Quebec in venturing outside its own borders as a wholesaler, carrying hefty pricing power given that it is already a major buyer.

An emergency sitting of the penurious Ontario Have-Not Legislature will be called to pass yet another law (readers may remember last week's Transparency Act) in an attempt to generate more revenues for its treasury. The new law will allow the LCBO to compete as a wholesaler on global markets and as a supplier of Ontario alcoholic beverages.

Said an LCBO source, "We're doing this as a 50-50 partnership with our labour union. OPSEU will be doing the initial funding, and we will be doing the initial wholesaling and retailing. We look forward to years of labour peace and quiet at the LCBO, now that we have involved the union as an equal stakeholder."

By wholesaling, the LCBO hopes to eliminate the agency system and become a liquor giant like Tesco in the UK or Costco in the US. In essence, it will be buying alcohol for its own retailing. New names for the wholesaler, operating under license to the LCBO, have been suggested to match Tesco, such as Libco.

But some wags have suggested that Libco means "Liberal company". The LCBO strongly denies this, and said it just means "Liquor Board Company."

As for the Ontario wine business, the LCBO will be the chief supplier of the stretch water component that goes into the CellaredinCanada product. Said a spokesperson, "We know where all the taps are, we've got RFID on all of them, and Ontario wineries must only use OUR taps which are metered."

The LCBO in the water business? Anything is possible in the beverage alcohol world.

GOSH: Transparency Act to apply to Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario

2010-10-02T19:09:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA Gosh Wine News Services has just learned that the Ontario Legislature will begin an immediate emergency sitting to quickly pass the Ontario Transparency Act (colloquially known as the "Glasshouse Bill"). This has resulted from the Review Inquiry into the Office of the Ombudsman. That Inquiry had called for transparency at every level in all of the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, dealings with the public.

Complying with the impending legislation will be the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province.

Said a spokesperson, "The easiest way to do this would be simply to post on the website the overall policies regarding how the mark-ups and taxes are arrived at. Then, we would list the individual components for each and every base FOB price, fee, tax, cartage, mark-up, assorted levels of eco-levies, profit to the agent, HST and the like. This laundry ticket of breakout, so common with energy and communication bills, will be made and posted for every one of the thousands of products that we have in inventory."

Also in the works is a breakout on your cash register bill. The LCB is borrowing Canada Post software in order to modify it and reproduce the section that keeps adding to the bill by listing the various fees and taxes.

With transparency, CellaredinCanada wines will sell for 75 cents a bottle (plus mark-ups, levies, fees, taxes, deposits, etc). The average price for modest Argentine wines will be $1.50, while regular wines will be about $2 a bottle. It is expected that VQA wines will begin at $2.25 a bottle.

Said a reliable source at the LCB: "We'll soon have the cheapest prices for wines in North America. Nobody can beat us. Noooooooo-body!"

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO to match lowest prices in Canada

2010-09-26T12:57:00.001-04:00

TORONTO (GOSH Wine News Services) The Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) will announce Monday that new legislation from the Ontario Liberal government will enable the Crown Corporation to match the lowest prices on alcoholic beverages offered anywhere in Canada.

In doing so, the provincial government will be enabling a most-favoured nation (MFN) clause. MFN clauses require that a province be given the lowest price that is provided to another province or private payers. This means that when a producer such as a winery reduces its price to win a listing in one province it must also reduce its price in the province with MFN clauses.

These MFN clauses may be structured or enforced to minimize their potential anti-competitive effects.

Said a spokesperson for the LCBO, "We wanted to offer a Good Deal for the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. We've crunched the numbers and we believe that we can still offer value and retain market share and profits. Why should Ontarians pay the current $18.95 for Gray Monk Gewurztraminer when the B.C. customer gets it for $16.99? Starting next month, Ontario will offer it for $16.99. And why should Quebecois get Mondavi Fume Blanc for $16.50 (it's $22.95 in Ontario)? We too will offer it for $16.50. And beers too. Why shouldn't we be offered the same floor price for wines, beers, and spirits that are sold for less money in other provinces? There'll be more to come. Just watch us."

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next hour or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

Grimsby said, "The MFN's purpose is to ensure that the Ontario province implements the policy benefits from low prices provided to other provinces such as B.C., Quebec, or Alberta.

"The LCBO, as you probably know, has been mandated by McGuinty's people to come up with a soft approach for the impending 2011 election. They're going to bear the brunt of whether McGuinty gets re-elected or not. Certainly, they will be blamed if the Liberal party is not re-elected to power. The threat is an open one: either come up with a way for the LCBO (and thus McGuinty) to be popular with the people or be sold off to private hands. McGuinty will have his way with this one."

"Sources, though," admited Grimsby, "should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures."

More on this interesting turn of events as it develops

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Ontario couple found guilty of honey laundering

2010-09-19T19:04:00.001-04:00

U.S. federal grand jury indicts 11 German and Chinese executives for conspiring to illegally import US$40-million of honey from China News item, Sept 2, 2010.

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TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) Sam and Ella Miele have been found guilty of "honey laundering" by importing unregulated honey from China.

Brett Grimsby has been covering this story for GOSH Wine News Services ever since he dug up information that the Mieles were using the honey to add botrytis to their white wines.

Said Grimsby: "Honey is a tightly controlled substance in Ontario, A Have-Not Province it is a necessary product for mead wines. Every speck of honey must be accounted for."

The Mieles claim that they were only trying to use the honey to add complexity to their wines. "We meant no harm", said Sam.

But false labelling practices coupled with use of unregulated honey loaded with bacteria and antibiotics led to their downfall.

"It is good to see law enforcement take seriously the problem of illegal honey imports," said a spokesperson from Agriculture Canada. "Now we also need the FDA to weigh in with a national honey standard to make sure this crackdown on Chinese imports sticks."

There was no immediate reaction from the Apple Growers Association of Canada.

An angry Ella said, "Our botrytis-affected whites have all been award winners the All Canadians, the Ontario Wine Awards, and the Canadian Wine Awards. We got Double Gold each time. We made damn good wine with the honey and grapes. We'd still be in this business if we could've used Ontario honey. But there wasn't any! It was all bought up by the big guys, leaving nothing for small businesses like us. We were forced to import from China! They made us do it!!"

When asked how he found the story, Grimsby said he just followed the money, er, honey. There was a rumour that the botrytis was not natural, and Grimsby checked it out. One thing led to another, and he scanned manifests for provincial honey allocations and then for imported honey allocations. The road led to Sam and Ella Miele.

More on this story after sentencing next Thursday

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network co-operate

2010-09-13T11:26:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services GOSH has now expanded!! In an attempt to be even more relevant than ever before, GOSH has allowed the new Foxy Wine News Network to buy 49% of the GOSH corporation.

This will permit both companies to offer cross-platforms of expertise. The Foxy Wine News Network will have Brett Grimsby as their top investigative wine reporter, digging out the dirt on all things vinous. He'll host the W5 segment (Wine, Wine, Wine, Wine, and more Wine).

The Grape Guy and The Edge will debate serious wine issues of the day. Both are well-known for their voices but just wait until you see them on the new show, Wine Radio With Pictures.

Another new show: Six of One, Half-a-Dozen of Another the CellaredinCanada game show, with prizes to include a year's supply of wine. Freggie, the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine, has already been signed up as a major sponsor.

The Wine Guy and Little Fat Wino will be hosting a weekly series of Bordeaux versus Ontario wine competitions. They promise that this will be a reality show to end all reality shows. It's been tentatively titled B.O.

Politicians will be guests on The Whine and BBQ Show where our top reporters will grill them and fry them. First up will be The Grate McGinty as he begins the long segue to a 2011 election and oblivion. He'll try to explain government alcohol monopolies -- without snickering.

Fruit wines will finally have their say as James Warren, QC, takes us on a tour of all of the fruit wineries in Canada. There'll be a new fun tour each week. Jim, as we all know, is Canada's answer to Anthony Bourdain.

Also new: The Transparency Show, in which economic and management experts try to break down the secret codes and taxes that are applied to alcohol products across Canada, pointing out variations and why certain wines cost more in Ontario and/or Quebec and/or British Columbia. The CellaredinCanada wines will be first up to bat.

More details to be released when the Fall Vintage Television season appears.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS FLASH...Freggie(TM) t'launch noo blends...

2010-09-10T16:25:00.001-04:00

BREAKING NEWS: This hyar jest in, as enny fool kin plainly see... Freggie(TM) has announced thet it will be sellin' a special cuvee jest in time fo' th' Rosh Hashanah period, cuss it all t' tarnation. GOSH Likker Noos Services has cornfirmed thet one of th' two blends t'be made available will be 70% Conco'd grapes wif 30% Jersusalem artichokes (an', of course, due t'VQA legislashun, it is not eligible fo' th' "Made in Ontario, A Have-Not Province" designashun - thet w'dn't be kosher). Howevah, th' makers of Freggie(TM) annicipate greater sales of t'other blend, 70% Jersusalem artichokes wif 30% Conco'd grapes on account o' it is eligible t'state on th' label, "100% Ontario, A Have-Not Province, vegitable an' fruit a six packs". Neifer blend will include th' dreaded an' secretive stretch water component. This hyar launch is specked t'be at th' Bell Lightbox next Thursday, in time fo' th' TIF(TMF's Midnight Madness event...

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

EAKINGBRAY EWSNAY ASHFLAY...Eggiefray(tMay) otay aunchlay ewnay endsblay...

2010-09-08T14:44:00.001-04:00

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Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS FLASH...Freggie(TM) to launch new blends...

2010-09-07T09:49:00.001-04:00

BREAKING NEWS: This just in...

Freggie(TM) has announced that it will be selling a special cuvee just in time for the Rosh Hashanah period. GOSH Wine News Services has confirmed that one of the two blends to be made available will be 70% Concord grapes with 30% Jersusalem artichokes (and, of course, due to VQA legislation, it is not eligible for the "Made in Ontario, A Have-Not Province" designation - that wouldn't be kosher).

However, the makers of Freggie(TM) anticipate greater sales of the other blend, 70% Jersusalem artichokes with 30% Concord grapes because it is eligible to state on the label, "100% Ontario, A Have-Not Province, vegetable and fruit juices".

Neither blend will include the dreaded and secretive stretch water component.

This launch is expected to be at the Bell Lightbox next Thursday, in time for the TIF(TMF's Midnight Madness event...

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Freggie Come Home

2010-09-03T17:50:00.002-04:00

TIF™F is coming to town!! Media invite for Sept 9, 2010, 6 PM Bell Lightbox

2010-09-03T16:43:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Hey, TIF™F is coming to town!!

That's right, the Toronto International Freggie™ Festival is set to begin action next week.

For those who don't know, Freggie™ is the world's largest selling fruit-vegetable blended wine, just about as big as CellaredInCanada™ grape wines.

Freggie™ was developed as an alternative to the international blends. It was deemed commercially viable by Agriculture Canada and is currently sponsored by the government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province -- it uses up Ontario surplus fruit wines and vegetable wines.

Freggie™ comes in three blends: 70% fruit wine with 30% vegetable wine added, or 70% vegetable wine with 30% fruit wine added, and (new this season): a top-rated 50-50 blend for those who cannot decide on a fave.

The art of blending is a deep secret, so the Freggie™ people will not reveal which fruits and which vegetables are used, except to say that there are different ones in all three cuvees. In no way shape or form is there any of that nasty stretch water component that you'll find in the CellaredInCanada™ international blend series. It's guaranteed chlorine-free. And, all their wines are triple-filtered to remove any hints of bedbugs and their eggs.

Professionally-paid tasters have commented on these wines. One said "Throws out spruce, some attractive mint, forward onion tones." Another said, "Dainty kalamata olives, shows opium, hoppy Doritos, and traces of smoked oysters." A third beckoned with: "Drops taco sauce, buttermilk pancakes, and forward pungent green beans." Another opinion, but from a dissenter, went: "Grossly overweight veggies and unripe fruit, kicks you with tobacco." We believe in balanced reports and chacun a son gout.

Our fave review, from the Wine Journal, goes: "Plump frosted pop-tart, modest and spiney, whispers of spice, overcooked currants, strong-willed black cherries, astounding marmalade complexity bound with a carrot-beet-turnip combo. 88 points."

In conjunction with the Toronto International Freggie™ Festival, the major suppliers are planning to launch the 50-50 blend (called Freggie™ 50-50) to the media and elite stars. The official release date is September 9, the opening day of TIF™F. Expected to attend the eleven day festival are Stony Cement, S. "Doris" Day, PM Sharpy, The Grate McGinty, Ford Pinto, Joey Pants, and other clowns from politics. From the reality world of entertainment, you can expect Clint Eastwood, Natalie Portman, Catherine Deneuve, and Bruce Springsteen.

All the entertainers will endorse Freggie™ under the launch tent, for which they will collect a swag bag that contains coupons entitling them to a six-pack of Freggie™ a week for life!

They want you to join them for sampling at the Bell Lightbox, Thursday, September 9, at 6 PM sharp, one hour earlier for the trade/media presentation.

Consider this YOUR personal invitation – be there or be square! And celebrate the new Freggie™ 50-50!!

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO to sell itself to Ontarians

2010-08-28T15:17:00.001-04:00

TRAWNA (GOSH Wine News Services) Unbelievable as it may seem, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province is poised to sell itself.

Our top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

Apparently, the LCBO has plans to sell all of itself to The Good People of Ontario. Rather than issue stocks and bonds, and present Bay Street with an IPO of immense proportions, the LCBO proposes to add $5 to the price of every single item it offers for sale.

The $5 will be equal to one share in the new company, to be known as The Liquor Board Owned by the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province (LBOGPO, pronounced "leeboogeepoo"). Each purchase will buy one share. As proof of purchase, just simply hang on to your bottles.

Of course, you will have to forego the deposit, so the actual purchase price is ten or twenty cents more. That's about the same as brokerage fees, but it does seem to be a new fundraising attempt by the current LCBO.

Initially, dividends will not be paid out. Instead, they will be re-invested into research and more quality findings to protect the Good People of Ontario.

Said a spokesperson from the LCBO: "We hope to issue enough stock at five bucks a throw to make us all appreciated for what we are doing: opening up the LCBO for business and ownership in Ontario for Ontarians, The Good People. Eventually, everybody in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will actually own a piece -- or more -- of the LCBO, and someday we will even begin paying dividends, maybe even cashing in bottle deposits."

Effectively barred from purchasing stock in the new LBOGPO are those who have been punched drunk by the older LCBO system of Green Permit tracking, people under 19, and professionally-paid-wine-writers-who-may-now-through-no-fault-of-their-own-have-a-serious-conflict-of-interest. These groups are planning to launch lawsuits citing discrimination. The issue is especially serious for the writers since they will now be unable to buy product to write about.

The plan is scheduled to take effect whenever The Grate McGinty approves the enabling legislation before the 2011 election. The derelict bottle collectors are expected to have a field day.

In anticipation of the legislation, however, the LCBO will begin charging the extra five dollars immediately, beginning on September First. Expect that $9.95 Pinot Grigio to start selling for $14.95 (plus deposit which you may never get back).

More on this story as it develops on CBC's This Is That

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com