Ford to privatize Toronto Community Housing Corp.? "Absolutely" – headline in Toronto Star, March 3, 2011.
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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services) has just learned that Mayor Ford Pinto has been working on a plan to privatize LCBO stores within the boundaries of the City of Toronto.
Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.
The plan is apparently a simple one, even for Mayor Pinto. Toronto needs revenue and Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has just turned down a request for more funds.
"Here's what we're gonna do because I say so: we're gonna privatize all the retail stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province – but only EAST of Yonge Street. It'll be a perfect fit with our waste management program which will only run WEST of Yonge Street. Got that? Nobody will even notice the difference in the sale of booze, but the city of Toronto will reap immense sources of revenue. After all, I'm 300 pounds of fun!"
When questioned why EAST of Yonge, Brother Doug the Elder added: "It makes perfect sense. All of the spending is here. Store 10 at Scrivener Square, Store 217 at Queen's Quay, Store 355 at Bayview Village – they all offer between 1701 and 2000 Vintages products plus In-Store Discoveries. They're EAST of Yonge. There's nothing comparable in the west end. There's not a single store west of Yonge offering more than 1700 Vintages products. I looked it up; it's a public document in every bi-weekly Vintages catalogue."
"We've done the math," Mayor Pinto said. "We are prepared. The heavy drinking is EAST of Yonge. That's where we're gonna go. Contracts will be let out to the private sector to run the stores at a slight profit with markups moving to the city coffers."
Added Brother Doug the Elder, "Hey – my brother Pinto now has a 72 percent approval rating – he can do whatever he wants! Grate McGinty is at 16 percent. He has to heel to our commands, so far as Toronto is concerned."
Enabling legislation declaring the Toronto stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, an "essential service" is expected by the end of March.
More on this story about Ford Pinto Nation as it happens…
