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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

GOSH: Mr. and Mrs. Smith to open a wine tasting rehab centre in Niagara

 

"Investigators became suspicious in 2008, after realising that a large amount of Pinot Noir was being exported from the Languedoc-Roussillon."

-- News Report

 

TRAWNA – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that a meeting at top levels of Constellation Brands Inc. (A Constellation Company) and E & J Gallo seems to have produced stunning results in wine tasting in an attempt to defuse a looming scandal.

 

A year-long investigation into passing off Syrah and Merlot wines from Languedoc-Roussillon as local Pinot Noir resulted in jail terms and fines for 12 French winemakers and dealers. All of these wines had been passed off to U.S. buyers for Constellation Brands Inc (A Constellation Company) and E & J Gallo (Gallo had it as part of their Red Bicyclette line, which also, incidentally, had bottles of Merlot and Syrah).

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

What GOSH Wine News Services has learned is this: the top levels of Constellation and Gallo (Jean-Charles Bosseit and Gina Gallon, respectively and also known as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith") have begun a seek and destroy mission designed to ferret out the tasters responsible for the purchased wine.

 

"Obviously," said one source, "the wine had been tasted before its purchase, to check on its decency and consistency with what Pinot Noir should taste like in the South of France. But these tasters screwed up because they were not used to tasting Pinot Noir from a hot climate. They just assumed that such a wine would automatically taste ripe and rich and fruity because of the heat, and that puts the taste into the Merlot-Syrah-Shiraz complex of flavours."

 

But a second source said: "You can quote the English wine writer Harry Waugh, who was once asked if he had ever mistaken a Bordeaux for a red Burgundy. His reply: "Not since lunch." Professional tasters can screw up. I think the French used some reverse osmosis technique -- the French are tricky that way."

 

Said yet another expert source: "Pinot Noir can taste like Merlot and Syrah if you overcrop, introducing some vegetative elements that, in a hot climate wine, can be pleasant enough to evoke a more modest Burgundy."

 

A fourth expert source said: "Maybe they bumped up the final acid a bit to make the wine taste sort-of Pinot Noirish."

 

The website for Red Bicyclette itself says "And, no other wine tastes quite like Red Bicyclette from France - taste for yourself…" Hmmmmmm.

 

Tasting, though, will no longer be a problem for the importers as terminators Mr. and Mrs. Smith give the current tasters who are still on staff a choice: either be fired or be sent off to a rehab tasting school in Canada. GOSH has learned that a huge tasting laboratory is now being built on the site of the Closer Dan winery-that-was-to-be.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Smith will begin tasting classes as soon as possible while both companies go into complete damage control mode. Adjunct instructors will include members of the Wine Writers' Circle of Canada, selected by a tontine, which has not yet been banned in Canada.

 

Said Mr. Smith, in his ebullient French accent: "We'll get to the bottom of this barrel, one way or the other, and our tasters will emerge stronger than ever."

 

Still, there is wonder at how it all started. As one source said, "Anyone who has any idea what Pinot Noir tastes or smells like would not be fooled with Syrah or Merlot, regardless of tricks."

 

Another highly placed source said, "There are those who would know immediately it was not Pinot Noir because they know Pinot Noir, and those who don't have a clue what Pinot Noir is now have the idea that this mislabelled wine is what Pinot Noir is like."

 

And from another source: "What does this say about the American wine consumer and what does this say about the French wine industry's opinion of the American wine consumer? Besides, Pinot Noir is the perfect pairing for a film noir -- this situation has all the filmic elements, with desperate people in despairing situations, slugging through a dense, dark chunky setting."

 

The fact that both Constellation Europe (A Constellation Company) and Gallo have pulled out from this year's London International Wine Fair is entirely co-incidental and is not related to this story at all.

 

The LCBO (Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation) has refused to comment.

 

More on this story after freelance apologist Tiger Woods (who has been employed to make the vinous apology to the American people on behalf of the two companies) speaks on live television tomorrow in prime time…He could make a career out of apologizing for corporations.

 

Thursday, February 18, 2010

GOSH: Olympic Marauders trash "Cellared in Canada" wines...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) --  In a stunning display of bravado, over 600 dark shirted Olympic rioters descended on all of the government liquor stores in the Vancouver-Whistler area simultaneously.

 

The closely orchestrated, tightly scripted display of vandalism by the balaclava-masked marauders showed great team work and precision worthy of an Olympic Gold Medal.

 

With "Cellared in Canada" inscribed on their shirts, the teams chanted "See Eye Sea" over and over – and then broke into the stores, startling wine and liquor consumers right across the cities.

 

Allegedly, their goal was to grab and smash all "Cellared in Canada" product, which (to British Columbia's everlasting shame) comprises 100% imported wine product.

 

Instead, they apparently just loaded up some skids and took the wines with them to the Olympic Torch waterfront park where they tore down the fence barricades and began quaffing the wines at the torch site as quickly as they could.

 

Said one masked man, "We just wanted to have some fun and get rid of this cheap wine so that the Good Citizens of BC and the Good Tourists of the World won't have to drink them all themselves. We're selfless that way. Besides, it's a pretty good cheap alcoholic hit. Sorry, gotta go and get stoned before the fuzz arrive…"

 

More on the achievements of the Olympic Vigilantes as they happen…

 

 
 

Thursday, February 11, 2010

GOSH: Liberal government encourages wine tastings on TTC.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, the Liberal Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) suddenly announced that the Toronto Transit Commission will be conducting wine tastings, over the strenuous objections of the Liberal Control of Beverages of Ontario (LCBO), A Clown, er, Crown Corporation.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

This is what's supposed to go down as soon as possible: In an attempt to satisfy commuter rider demand for quality service at the TTC * AND * to satisfy an industry demand for recognition after decades of being shut out, the Ontario Government will allow sampling of wines from Fruit Wines of Ontario to TTC patrons who are lined up at custodial-collector booths.

 

The idea is to soften the impacts of fare increases, line-ups and sorry service by having representatives of the Fruit Wines of Ontario provide one or two free samples of fruit wine for enjoyment. Adults will get two samples, to match the fare increase value, while Seniors (who must prove that they are over 19 – and look it) get only one sample, since their increase is only 15 cents a ticket. TTC employees and their relatives are ineligible for these tastings.

 

Said a spokesperson for the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province: "This will throw a bone to both disenfranchised groups (riders and wineries) – as we head into an election in Ontario. Both the public transit riders and the fruit wineries should profit from this exposure. At the same time, our LCBO should loosen up a bit, and bounce around those rubber walls they claim to have."

 

For political expediency, this service is only being offered at TTC subway stops. There will be portable potties available (a concession to the LCBO) and ID carding will be in place, as requested by LCBO inspectors who will do the enforcement on a bill-back basis to the TTC.

 

More on this dramatic story as soon as the Giambrone bone story is done with in the press and we all move on…

 

 

 
 

Thursday, February 4, 2010

GOSH: LCBO asset sale off the table, to be re-branded.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning about face, the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) has not only taken the sale of  the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (A Crown Corporation) off the table but also has enlarged its scope.

 

Heading into an election next year, the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) has re-branded the LCBO. It is to be known as the LCBO, that is, the "Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario". The expectation is that the Liberal party will receive a higher profile.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

The Grate McGinty is set to announce tomorrow after the markets have closed that the Government of Ontario will begin to nationalize through provincialization the sales of ALL beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

The Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will begin to expropriate all the properties and beverages involved with Starbucks, Second Cup, Tim Horton, Timothy's and other small fry (including some convenience stores), in a massive real estate deal designed to prop up the Ontario (A Have-Not Province) economy.

 

Said a source at the soon-to-be-former LCBO (A Crown Corporation): "We're only doing this for environmental reasons. Our mandate now is to actually consolidate ALL the beverage vessels in Ontario for re-cycling and re-use, centralizing the deposit return structure through one location: the beer stores. That's the rationale behind our M & A.

 

"Soon, you'll be able to return your Timmie cups, lids, water bottles, pop bottles, PC containers, whatever, to your local beer store for a return of the quarter deposit. Oh, didn't I say that we're also putting up the deposit fee to 25 cents? It now applies to every beverage bought in the province. The extra money from forgetful consumers will help pay for body and luggage scans of travellers coming in from outside Ontario, those who would be tempted to bring all their empties with them into this glorious province in order to collect the return deposit. You can thank Seinfeld for that one. We'll nail the suckers. Any other monies accruing will be used to pay down the $24.7 billion deficit."

 

As always, Fruit Wines of Ontario have been shut out of the action. Miffed Mole said that the LCBO still doesn't consider wines made from fruit to be a beverage; therefore, it has been excluded from the distribution/delivery system and will continue to not be a part of the new, enlarged and engorged Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).

 

More on these developments at the new LCBO as they evolve…