GOSH: Michael Jackson still alive, invests in Cellared in Canada wines, LCBO to test.

SUDBURY – (GOSH Wine New Services) – In the midst of all the chaos over the death of Michael Jackson (and this includes wills, estates, memorial services, and excessive public grieving), GOSH Wine News Services has learned that it has been all a HOAX.

 

Jackson is alive and well, and living in Sudbury, Ontario, where he can most comfortably do the Moonwalk. "A northern cooler climate agrees with me, and so should the wines," he said.

 

Supporting him in his quest for peace and quiet is Farrah Fawcett, who earlier preceded him to the Nirvana described as Sudbury.

 

Soon to join them both is Darth Grabinsky, convicted of fraud in looting LiveEnt. He will be sentenced to serve several years in the Sudbury area, according to our sources.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his story based on several interviews with sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

All three are getting together to sink millions in the creation of new Cellared in Canada products. Jackson will have his "Moonwalk" label, while Fawcett will concentrate on "Charlie's Winesluts". Darth will bring his marketing expertise to the enterprise and is slated to be the new CRO (Chief Restructuring Officer) as part of his community service. The LCBO will, of course, test the products before they go on sale.

 

Star-struck creditors are sure to line up to sample the new wines provided by both the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) and the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). But they will have to wait until the thousands of wine bloggers have had their way and say.

 

Unfortunately, the two major CIC wine associations are fighting to represent the lucrative wine contracts. The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) is disputing the legality of the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). ACCW claims an exclusive charter for foreign representation, while CICWA claims to represent the rights of foreign offshore products through the DOP program. This matter has been before the courts for years, and may never be resolved in out lifetime.

 

It is believed that if these Cellared in Canada wines take off from their location in Sudbury with successful sales, then VQA wines may not be far behind. GOSH has heard unsubstantiated rumours that Jackson is interested in fruit wineries, who would appear to be gung-ho for a new deal in Ontario.

 

More on this story as it unravels…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: The late Michael Jackson's involvement with Moonwalk Cellared in Canada wine

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Service) – The "Fallout" from the death of the late, lamented Michael Jackson continues. GOSH Wine News Service has just learned that The King of Pop (Junior Division) had invested in a new winery operation in Ontario.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story, and he files his material based on several interviews with sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Apparently, Jackson was impressed by the fine showing made here by the wine celebrities Gretzky, Weir and Aykroyd. He too wanted to be a winemaker and to create his mark on the Canadian landscape. The winery, to be based in Sudbury, was to be known as "Moonwalk", but it was to specialize just in "Cellared in Canada" wines.

 

Jackson had been led to believe that he could physically shelter his money in a wine cellar in Canada, but that to do so, he had to invest in a winery that would ostensibly be above board and offer only "Cellared in Canada" wines. Not knowing what that term meant, Jackson and his handlers stuffed millions of dollars into the operation, along with an equal investment in a TetraPak bottling line.

 

The Jackson Family are crying "foul", which is probably an apt tasting description of the wine known as "Moonwalk". Both red and white wines were to be offered.

 

At the same time, the two major CIC wine associations are fighting to represent the lucrative wine contract. The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) is disputing the legality of the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). ACCW claims an exclusive charter for foreign representation, while CICWA claims to represent the rights of foreign offshore products through the DOP program. This matter has been before the courts for years.

 

But the Jackson handlers never did due diligence. ACCW now claims that it can determine where the foreign content for newly established "Cellared in Canada" wines can come from, while CICWA claims that due to the Jackson US citizenship and state residence, that "Moonwalk" wine must come from California. Sources tell Grimsby that a Solomon court ruling will most likely mean that the 70% red wine component will be ACCW-derived, and can come from anywhere. The 70% white wine component will be CICWA-derived, and must come from California.

 

Legalists, who claim to gain the most from court costs, litigations, and resolutions, predict that this imbroglio will further decay the relationships among the Jackson Family, and lead to an all-out war between ACCW and CICWA in the "Cellared in Canada" wine campaign. Expect price reductions right across Canada, as "Moonwalk" attempts to take on the rest of the "Cellared in Canada" products.

 

Meanwhile, sources are keeping tight-lipped about the development of "Charlie's Winesluts", a new Cellared in Canada wine that was supposed to be backed by the late Farrah Fawcett, but seemed to get lost in the media shuffle-kerfuffle of Michael Jackson's "Moonwalk" Cellared in Canada wine.

 

More on this development as it happens…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Launch of new Cellared In Canada wine for Canada Day

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Servioes) – The GOSH Wine News Services has just learned of the upcoming launch of a new "Cellared in Canada" (CIC) wine product, apparently just in time for Canada Day.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene of the secret-but-large winery for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

What we do know is that in a salute to the Canadian North, the new CIC wine (to be available in both TetraPak and PET bottles) will be known as NUNAVUT.

 

What could be more appropriate than to have a national rollout of a Cellared In Canada wine for July 1, guaranteed to be 30% Canadian? 

 

The marketing campaign, to be on billboards everywhere, is supposed to have a wench winking her eye (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) as in the old days of the revered 1950s Pilsener Ice campaign, and saying "I'll have Nunavut".

 

 More on this story as it unfolds by Canada Day….Stay tuned

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Court Imposes Media Ban on Cellared in Canada Water Content Discussions

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine New Services) – In a stunning blow to wine democracy, an Ontario judge has just imposed a ban on media reporting about talks between the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, asserting that privacy trumps the public's right to know.

 

In a decision that could cripple reporters' efforts to write on behind-the-scene negotiations, the judge said that the press had no right to share a tip obtained from a source who wasn't supposed to leak the information.

 

The ruling by Superior Court Justice Brettan O'Myces backs the ACCW, whose lawyer went to court to prevent the Ontario Wine Review from reporting on the ACCW's out-of-court talks with the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

The Ontario government had allegedly colluded with the ACCW to suppress the details of the constituent parts of the Cellared in Canada wines.

 

At one time, CIC wines were to be 70% Canadian wine in content, with the remainder being a mixture of imported wines and water. Eight years ago, due to Ontario grape crop shortages, the blend became 99% imported wines and/or water, plus 1% Canadian wines and/or water. Then it stabilized, but the legislators, by misreading, managed to reverse the original percentages, and there is now a requirement that CIC wines can be up to 70% imported wines with filling out by Canadian wines, plus some water.

 

The Ontario Wine Review had attempted to find details about the water content, as specified by the RSO Water, er, Wine Content Act.

 

Judge O'Myces had already imposed a publication ban on the major Ontario newspapers. (How else to explain their shocking silence on the matter of adding water to wine, which is known as the Jesus Factor?).

 

In his written judgement, Justice O'Myces wrote that ACCW and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, were trying to reach a deal and both sides wanted the talks to remain confidential.

 

When asked to comment, the lawyer for the Ontario Wine Review, Commie Pinko, said reporting on the negotiations is in the public interest since it involves taxpayer dollars. Once the information is leaked to a reporter, he said, it becomes part of the public dissemination of knowledge, churgling through the Internet. He went on to state that the fault was with the ACCW and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, and not with the journalist who merely reported the leaks. No information was obtained by wiretaps or eavesdropping.

 

"There must be safeguards for reporters to write about non-public events that are in the public interest", he said. He went on to compare the issue of the cover-up of the water content in CIC wines to Watergate and the Pentagon papers.

 

Justice Brett O'Myces said that Pinko could be charged with contempt of court, and he extended the court order to also forbid reporting on the content and even the existence of talks between the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for weeks now, and he filed his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

This debate between freedom of expression and the protection of privacy centres around the answers to the following questions being discussed by Miffed Mole: Just how much water can be added? Is the water to be filtered? Should there be a taste panel called Water Quality Alliance? What scoring parameters should be used? How best can we market this diluted product? How can we justify an LCBO mark-up on water? Can water be taxed separately? Is the water always inspected for E. coli. ? Bottom line: just how much can we get away with and make tons of money?

 

GOSH Wine News Services is not sure how long it will be in operation since we are reporting in the face of a court-dictated media ban. More on this story as it develops, and as we continue to fight for the rights of wine democracy in Ontario, Soon to Be A Have-Water-Have-Not-Wine Province. The truth will never ever be suppressed…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH Shocker: LCBO to be New VANOC sponsor ?

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – With eight months until the Winter Games, VANOC has lacked a full roster of sponsors for the Winter Olympics. A large gap of some $35-million looms as the IOC tries to deliver on its promised roster of 11 global sponsors. It currently has just nine sponsors, but apparently there is a surprise backer waiting in the wings.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for weeks now, and he files his story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Grimsby has all the details on this shocker: the new sponsor is the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Crown Corporation.

 

The LCBO has apparently been mulling over the situation for quite some time. Deeply placed sources say that the LCBO has always wanted to go "National", and that this might be its best chance.

 

One source said, "We do have a lot of inventory to move, and this'll be our golden opportunity. Our prices have consistently been below the BC Liquor Store prices – and they will continue to be low. At the same time, we'll be doing feelgood stuff by supporting the Olympics. Besides, it'll cover us should there be labour difficulties in Ontario."

 

Vincor, A Constellation Company, had no comment on the matter, except to say that its 100% VQA Esprit wine (to be sold at the Olympics) will now just be sourced from BC grapes only, shutting out Ontario grape growers. A spokesperson from the Government of Ontario, A Have Not Province, was not amused by either actions of the LCBO or Vincor. "This is all so petty", one deeply placed source said. "We don't need this grape hassle now that our summertime is fully occupied with the automotive sector and eHealth and. . ."

 

More on this story as it develops. . .

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: An Ontario Government scheme to avert revenue loss caused by pending LCBO strike

TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - BREAKING NEWS just in:

The government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, claims to have come up with
a scheme to avert the loss of income through any LCBO strike or lockout.

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for
weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed
Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the
situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were
not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre
of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been
finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not
have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may
or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific
timeline is not really known.

What is known, says Grimsby, is that a secret protocol is in the process of
being developed between the Treasury Board of Ontario, A Have-Not Province,
and the Ontario Viniculture Association, A Have-Not Wine Association. Says
Grimsby, "The protocol should be mutually advantageous to both parties. My
sources tell me that in event of a strike or lockout by the LCBO, special
enabling legislation and regulations will be passed allowing all OVA members
to sell wines in outlets throughout Ontario. This will mean farmers'
markets, crafts fairs, vegetable and fruit roadside vending booths, anything
under a tent such as circuses, maybe even Dollaramas."

OVA has secretly been advising its members to ramp up bottling lines, to
produce everything they possibly can in advance of any shutdown expected
after June 24, 2009. The Wine Counsel is not amused, and has been advising
its members to also be prepared in its wine store operations for June 24.

Concerns have been raised within the OVA, over the real possibility that
there might NOT be a strike. Questions have been asked about wine bottling
surpluses. The Ontario government, anxious for a continuing revenue stream,
has not really addressed this issue. Miffed Mole thinks that, if there is no
strike, then the government will simply walk away from the OVA wine surplus,
and expect OVA members to absorb the inventory costs. No bailout is
expected.

More on this exciting and exacting story as it unfolds.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

BREAKING NEWS: VANOC to go after "collectible" discontinued Cellared in Canada wines.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – VANOC is continuing its assault against the widespread re-sale of high-in-demand Cellared in Canada wines bearing the Olympic logo.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Grimsby reported: the Olympic officials are not pleased with the re-sale of "collectible" Cellared in Canada wines. They claim, now that the official Esprit VQA label bears the Olympic logo, that all previous non-VQA CIC wines should be trashed. Brights has complied, but of course the winery has no control over the vast re-sale market of quality and collectible wines.

 

Scalping of wines is not unheard of, and the underground economy of Cellared in Canada re-sales is thriving. Said an LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, official: "We wish we could get into some of the action. We knew this would happen as soon as the Olympic VQA wines came on-stream. But there was nothing we could do to prevent it, except our normal technique of delaying deliveries and payments."

 

VANOC feels that the whole scenario is "false, deceptive and misleading" and the re-sellers are "unjustly [enriching]" themselves at VANOC's expense. VANOC would not be eligible for the $1.25 contribution that should come whenever the Esprit CIC is sold and re-sold.

 

Grimsby further reported that all aggrieved parties felt that this scenario was just plain "scalping". Phone calls and emails for comment to Ticketmaster and Tickets Now have not been returned.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

So How Bad is the Wine and Food Economy? (PART TWO)

(PART TWO) -- The hospitality sector in these economic downturn days is in terrible shape. So, how bad is the wine and food economy?

 

It's so bad – that Jim Warren is now president of EIGHT different Ontario and Nova Scotia wineries.

 

It's so bad – that the Ontario Wine Awards now covers only Pelee Island.

 

It's so bad – that wine bloggers pay YOU for visiting their blogs.

 

It's so bad – that all the European wine trade associations will merge into one group called "EU Wines" [pronounce it]

 

It's so bad – that VQA now means "Very Quaffable Assessment".

 

It's so bad – that CIC wines are now known as "Cellared in China" wines.

 

It's so bad – that OVA has laid an egg.

 

It's so bad – that 20Bees has been renamed 12Bees.

 

It's so bad – that Fruit Wines of Ontario is selling its "QC" designation back to the Canadian Bar Association.

 

It's so bad – that the Canadian Wine Awards and the All Canadian Wine Awards have merged and relocated to Quebec.

 

It's so bad – that the LCBO FLOOR price is now the CELLAR price.

 

It's so bad – that the Wine Council of Ontario has renamed itself Wine Council of Niagara.

 

It's so bad – that the Grape Growers of Ontario have taken over the Tender Fruit Association.

 

It's so bad – that emotional grapes don't get crushed anymore, they just quietly drop and rot.

 

It's so bad – that "auto and jewellery" ads are appearing on wine labels.

 

It's so bad – that restaurant buffets now have a time limit of 25 minutes.

 

It's so bad – that Diamond Estates has been re-branded as Silver Farms.

 

It's so bad – that "happy hours" are now "pleasant minutes".

 

It's so bad – that the Martini is now the Martinus (as Wayne and Schuster predicted).

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Dolly McRooney accepts money to create Canadian wine label; instead, creates CIC product.

OTTAWA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning disclosure today, Dolly McRooney teared up when she confessed to a House of Commons sub-committee (also known as the Elephant in the House Inquiry) that she took $225 to help create a Cellared In Canada wine for the Canadian public to consume.

 

She was responding to allegations that she had actually received $300.

 

"I deny that I received more than $225. I've since used that money to help support my needy family."

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for days now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Apparently, Mole says, Dolly was supposed to create a Canadian wine, but was unable to secure the necessary volumes -- apparently it was all tied up in Olympic stocks. The best she could do was 30% Canadian content, with 70% imported wines added, and for that job she claimed $225 on her taxes for her efforts. A fully Canadian wine would be 100%, and that would be the $300 figure. For the innumerate, $225 is about 70% of $300, and that was all she was eligible to obtain for lobbying – if she had been correct all along. The source said that while she was paid $300, she claimed to be entitled to $225, and never did return the balance to the winery. She also lost her bottle deposits.

 

The disputed figures came about because she managed to reverse the proportions of sourced-wines required, a not uncommon mistake. Her accountant, KH Schreibery, guided her in this lobby process and with the mathematical calculations. He has since been recalled to Germany.

 

Dolly McRooney was instrumental in creating the CIC wine label "Nanny's Night Off", meant especially for those economically-depressed workers looking for a little buzz in their lives when they get off work at 11:30 PM each day, er, night, of the week.

 

Dolly McRooney had hotel-lobbied intensely for a supply of Asiatic grape wines, proclaiming that she was serving a market that would consume wines that they were familiar with. The 30% Canadian content reflects both the legal requirements for such a wine to be marketed in Canada, and the going declared pay-rate for economically-depressed workers who end their shifts at 11:30 PM.

 

More on this story as it develops…Stay buzzed..

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Olympic Winter Games to be used to promote Canadian wines, motion passed by House of Commons

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning and rare move, a motion to use the Olympic Games to promote Canadian wines passed unanimously in the House of Commons on Friday.

 

The MPs had responded to last week's lopsided vote by the European Parliament to ban the import of vaunted Canadian Icewines in retaliation for the controversial annual seal hunt.

 

The motion calls for real grape skins from the great 2007 vintage to be part of the official wine labels pasted onto every bottle of Canadian wine. Such skins from the venerated "greatest vintage of the past two centuries" have been kept in cold storage, waiting for just such a moment.

 

The proposal was quickly terminated by the Canadian Olympic Committee (COC) which stated that the Olympics were not to be used as a platform for special causes. Besides, official wines have already been chosen as exclusive to the Games. These are the new Brights series of Esprit VQA to be launched in the new Olympic stores in British Columbia.

 

Said a spokesperson for the Canadian Olympic Committee, "We cannot have competition for our previously announced exclusive wines, even if they were CIC product at one time. Too many people have confused CIC wines with COC games. With the new VQA designation, there could be no confusion. COC bears no resemblance to VQA; VQA bears no resemblance to COC."

 

Rumours persist that CIC wines want to be in on the action, having lost out on the initial COC account. Apparently, they have put in a bid to paste 30% of one grape skin below the bottom line of the back label.

 

When questioned about the Canadian wines, the Canadian Opera Company (COC) said that, unlike the COC, they would be more than willing to accept promotion by the Canadian wine industry. A COC Board member who is familiar with the situation, and who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public, said: "Canadian wines deserve to be praised, and we welcome the opportunity to be a part of any promotion that would enhance the financial situation of the COC. Besides, the entire Canadian wine industry plays out like a tragic opera."

 

While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, the specific timeline is not really known.

 

More on this lyrical story when the fat lady sings…Stay tuned…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

So how bad is the wine economy?

The hospitality sector in these economic downturn days is in terrible shape. So, how bad is the wine economy?

 

It's so bad – that winetasters never spit anymore, they swallow for the extra calories they need to live on…

 

It's so bad – that diners never tip anymore, they just lean.

 

It's so bad – that I just saw Robert Parker quaffing a glass of FuZion.

 

It's so bad – that wine trade and consumer shows will now only offer bread and water as the food component.

 

It's so bad – that OIWSBA, the wine importers association, is now representing Ontario wines.

 

It's so bad – that the LCBO is now closing on both Saturdays and Sundays, to save on overtime.

 

It's so bad – that VQA is now offering a Cellared in Ontario product, at 70% VQA and 30% other Ontario wines.

 

It's so bad – that stone fruit wines are being made from only the stones. They're the pits, but they are drinkable.

 

It's so bad – that Esprit is offering the public $1.25 to buy its wines.

 

It's so bad – that left-handed wine writers have been laid off.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Team Esprit VQA and Team Esprit CIC to meet in Hockey Grudge Match

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Service) – With the "on-again off-again" feeling of OIWSBA-LCBO Hockey Teams playing in support of the Woman's Olympic Hockey Team, it appears that Vincor, A Constellation Company, has taken up the challenge.

 

Vincor, A Constellation Company, has mounted two hockey teams, drawn mostly from their own large staff with support from the Ontario Viniculture Association and the Wine Bloggers Group. Also included in the mix are some LCBO hockey fans and some NHL "alumni" (principally from the Enforcer personnel category). The women hockey players, who had initially signed up for the original hockey series, have bowed out of this killer assignment, preferring to deal with Colio's "Girls Night Out" line of VQA wines.

 

Team Esprit CIC, which favours imported wines, will be coached by Scott "The Hammer" Montgomery, the Southern semi-demi-hemispheric kind of guy. He will be assisted by the Jamaican bobsleigh team which had sought refuge in Calgary.

 

The other team -- Team Esprit VQA, which favours properly regulated Ontario wine -- will be coached by Bruce "The Fugitive" Walker. Walker has had extensive West Coast experience and is well-situated to be a national factor. He is to be ably assisted in the VQA task by Edwin "Dubai" Sokoloff from the legendary Churchill Cellars hit squad.

 

The game will be played outdoors (weather permitting) on Friday May 1, at the High Park Rink. Refreshments will be offered by Gothic Epicures, supported by the industry. Admission is $20 in support of the Woman's Olympic Hockey Team. Spectators are encouraged to drink Vincor, A Constellation Company, products, and to vote for both their fave VQA and CIC tipple. The results of the vote will be announced between the second and third periods.

 

More on this event (including registration and ticket pricing details) at the OIWSBA website…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Vincor fuels Olympic Torch with alcohol from distilled CIC wine

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a brilliant public relations move, the Vincor Jackson-Triggs Esprit ("Wine of the Canadian Winter Olympics 2010") Cellared in Canada (CIC) wine has moved on. The original CIC wine has been replaced by VQA wine, more fitting for the Canadian people since it is a wine actually made in Canada.

 

As a reaction to the media outcry, the Esprit CIC wine label and positioning has become an Esprit VQA wine. But there still remains the vast sea of Esprit CIC which, of course, will not be for sale.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

GOSH Wine News Services has learned that Vincor will be reducing Esprit CIC to ethyl alcohol and, in a move sure to please all Olympians everywhere, using this as fuel for the Olympic Torch. The old burn time was 12 to 15 minutes, but by replacing the hydrocarbon blend of propane and isobutene, the new burn time has been increased to over 30 minutes.

 

Bombardier, the torch designer, drew inspiration from Canada's vast open storage of CIC wines. The smooth, fluid lines of the wines will be perpetuated in the torch, and CIC wines will thus visit places all over Canada via the Olympic Torch. It is guaranteed to never blow out. The tank is pressurized by nitrogen to 150 psi to keep a constant flow going – whatever the temperature is outside the casing.

 

And if the torch bearer should get tired, he or she (must be over 19) can easily quaff a dram or two from the "escape hatch".

 

A Vincor representative said: "This is a win-win situation. The Good People of Canada get to consume copious quantities of great VQA wine, we get to get rid of useless CIC product, and we donate fuel to the Olympic Torch. This is considered to be part of our vinous contribution to the Winter Olympics. In fact, our accountants are busy figuring out the burn rate of our contribution of $1.25 a wine bottle vis-à-vis ethyl alcohol from the scrubbed wines."

 

More on this story, including the effects on Vincor's carbon footprint, as it develops...stay tuned.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Apologies Act Bill 159

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Following on the dramatic passage of the LCBO anti-spoof legislation in Ontario, the Apology Act (Bill 159) seems to have provoked an outpouring of apologies in the wine world amongst persons and corporations.

 

"Apology", according to the new Ontario act, means an expression of sympathy or regret, a statement that one is sorry or any other words or actions indicating contrition or commiseration, whether or not the words or actions admit or imply an admission of fault in connection with the matter to which the words or actions relate.

 

It is not to be used as an excuse – that's a "pardon".

 

Nevertheless, top executives and spokespersons are busy crafting statements of apology, from the larger firms of Vincor, A Constellation Company, through the smaller mid-sized Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Crown Corporation, through the smaller wineries and even to writers and bloggers and other general pests in the wine world.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

But here is what we do know MIGHT be happening soon:

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for price gouging over the years. It won't happen again, say government officials – ever. Until the next time.

 

- Larry Paterson, known as Little Fat Wino, wishes to apologize to Tom Littlefatwino for mis-using his name, even though Paterson had the name under license.

 

- Dean Tudor wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario for not producing enough hard-hitting articles; he will try to be more vehement in the future.

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for reduced product selection over the years. It won't happen again, say government officials. Until the next time.

 

- Michael Pinkus wishes to apologize for his articles on CIC or "Cellared in Canada" wines. As a nationalist, he actually loves Canadian wines. But he thought that CIC meant "Cellared in China".

 

- Vincor, A Constellation Company, wishes to apologize for creating two wines with the same label: the Esprit VQA and the non-VQA Esprit. It won't happen again, say company officials. Until the next time.

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for underpublicizing Ontario wines over the years. It'll never happen again, say government officials. Until the next time.

 

- The Ontario Vinicultural Association wishes to apologize for its existence. Said a spokesperson, "Sadly, we wish we really didn't have to be here. In a more perfect world of great Ontario wines at reasonable cost and availability, there should be no need for our existence."

 

- The Wine Council of Ontario wishes to apologize for "Cellared in Canada" pseudo-wines. Yada, yada, yada...

 

- The Ontario Importers of Wines, Beers and Spirits Association wishes to apologize for its lack of hockey expertise. 

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for lobbying the Grate McGinty government to pass the April Fool anti-spoof legislation. It's a blow against free speech everywhere. It will never happen again. Until next time.

 

 

 

More apologies as they happen…stand by…until next time...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Dean Tudor to Abide by Ontario's April Fool LCBO law

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, April First, 2009, Dean Tudor issued a statement through his lawyers saying that he would abide by the laws of Ontario, and NOT issue a spoof about the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province. He's following the lead of Mike Mandel, who was the first to abide by the threat and to publicly renounce his writings. [Shame on you, Mandel]

 

He said: "There are plenty of other targets out there, so I'll just lay off with the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, to comply with the law. I don't want to go to jail, I don't want to have to drink only Cellared In Canada wines in jail, or pay a fine. I live on a pension. I'm a pretty decent chap. At least my wife thinks so."

 

"Besides, I've just spent a hefty sum as a premium for insuring my nose for $10 million with Lloyd's of London, against a loss of smell. I need to use my nose to dig up dirt, along with my top reporter Brett Grimsby and my collective unnamed sources Miffed Mole."

 

"And -- this is not too widely known -- I am dying from wood poisoning, with too many oak chips in my liver. I am now forced, by my doctors, to taste and drink only wines that were made in stainless steel.

 

"My team will be investigating the stainless steel industry – we hear rumours that there are wood chips floating about. Our sources reveal that there are dramatic differences in textures between German stainless steel and Italian stainless steel. It'll be out in a future story. So I need to take time to recuperate and pay off my investment in the insurance policy.

 

"But I also need to take a cheap shot from time to time: most readers can't accept that we scribes might write something that we don't actually believe in, no matter what the topic. The idea of pulling your leg, having a laugh, being light-hearted or just provocative simply doesn't register with many bureaucrats. For the Grate McGuinty government to pass this April First legislation on behalf of the LCBO, A Crown etc., is shameful. I have no contrition whatsoever. . .

 

 

Memorial arrangements to be made soon. . .stand by for further developments as they happen. . .just watch me. . .

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Statute to Protect the LCBO from April Fool pranks

TRAWNA --  (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, the Legislative Assembly for Ontario, A Have-Not Province, gave third reading to Bill 139, a Bill to Prohibit April Fool's Day Spoofs of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

This will mean that NO ONE person or corporation in Ontario is allowed to spoof, to tease, to poke fun at, to scoff at, to parody, to burlesque, to laugh at, to scorn, to make fun of, to imitate, to ridicule, to caricature, to distort, to takeoff, to mock, to deride, to send up, to put down, to disparage, to knock, to lampoon, to satirize, or otherwise to demean the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, on April 1 of each and every year.

 

Non-compliance with this new Statute, in force as of tomorrow, can result in a fine of up to $500,000 and/or two years less a day in a correctional institution where they only serve Cellared In Canada wines.

 

In a separate announcement made by an overly cheerful spokesperson, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, said that it will not tolerate any silliness from any of the 40 licensed wine writers who would write a column about the LCBO on this particular day, especially since the day of the week this year is Wednesday, which is also the day many newspapers and other media outlets publish their food and drink sections. There and many beverage ads on this day of the week, including those of the LCBO, A Crown etc. Such wine writers can expect to have their licenses lifted.

 

At the same time, the 2,000,000 wine bloggers in Ontario are crying "Foul!" since the legislation will NOT affect the other 8,000,000 wine bloggers in Canada who live outside Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Unfortunately, the Statute has yet to be translated into French, which means that French-language writers may have a field day (jour de champs). Apparently, the translation office of the Ontario government is upset over the pending "blended" sales taxes; they will have to charge more in fees. Blending is no news for Ontarians since they have been forced to endure Cellared in Canada blends for years.

 

When asked to comment, Dean Tudor, well-known raconteur of wine tales, said, "I may have to brush up on my French. I've got some stories about "Cellared in Quebec" products that will need telling. I'll get them translated, if I have to. Meanwhile, April First is coming:  just watch me. . ."

 

More on this development come April First. Stand by, Ontario. . .

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Ontario's Fruit Wineries to Define Ontario's Presence at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Ontario's Tourism Ministry, now in the throes of the agonizing process of seeking proposals to design, develop and manage the have-not province's presence at the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics and Paralympics, has settled on the design logo, sources say.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public…

 

Apparently, the Province of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is finally recognizing its have-not status, and has deliberately chosen a logo and design based on a have-not industry: Ontario's fruit wineries.

 

Shut out and barred from every existing alcohol beverage sales channel, the plucky "have-not" fruit wineries are ecstatic. The Ministry of Tourism, in its request-for-tender documents, has suggested that the BC facility should feature a striking design, showcase made-in-Ontario products and services, and be state-of-the-art and environmentally sustainable. Being at the LEED Platinum Level for fruit wineries certainly would help, and that's a given since most of them certainly have been certified with the QC seal.

 

The Ministry is close to an announcement. They are waiting for the updated redesign of the Fruit Wineries of Ontario logo with its QC certification. One original design was apparently discarded because it promoted the Fruitwines of Upper Canada at Kelowna. President Jim Warren has been busy sketching new ideas, with input from the Ontario Vinicultural Association.

 

Meanwhile, Grimsby has learned that the LCBO and WCO has launched its own "Cellared in China" fruit wine campaign in order to take advantage of the Ministry's call for a logo and design. They believe that the now extra prominence given to fruit wines will bring in a new sense of order to the have-not province, with newly expanding markets. Instead of the Cellared In Canada 70/30 split in imported/domestic grape wine origins, the Cellared in China campaign will be just 100% imported fruit wines from China. The two groups are seizing the marketing opportunities (watch for the new Internet-only media campaign involving YouTube, MySpace, Blogspot, Twitter, Facebook and wine bloggers everywhere) and are poised to take over all the fruit wine thunder in Ontario, to the dismay of the OVA.

 

Since the OVA has nothing to lose in its battle with the "Os" (LCB, GG and WC), it has decided to plead its case to the Provincial Have-Not Cabinet, claiming that since OVA is the ONLY beverage alcohol organization with its name BEGINNING with the word "Ontario", then it is best poised to be the representative in BC. After all, who could be best suited to represent a have-not province than a have-not industry?

 

More on this story as it develops….stay tuned.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Fruit Wines at Farmers Markets

The constant drama, bad judgment, poor choices and self-delusion of the Ontario government's dithering with our wine industry has led to a death spiral and a wine catastrophe of epic proportions in This Have-Not Province.

 

Here's the latest threat --

 

ALL Ontario fruit wineries will NOW be allowed to market their wines at Farmers' Markets this Spring 2009, so long as the wines pass a panel of expert grapewine tasters. The point spread must be at least 13 out of 20.

 

There will be NO limit on how much wine can be sold in this manner, and there will be no restrictions on where the fruit comes from – or even who makes it.

 

According to one source, the larger grape wineries are poised to swoop in with some "Cellared in China" apple wine product. And that is just the beginning...My sources tell me MANGO wine (from Ontario mangoes) is next up -- just perfect for summer around the poolside.

 

Shudder, shudder…more on how this plays out later...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: How Wine Critics Score Wines

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning revelation issued just hours ago, the well-known top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby released his poll findings from his latest sting operation.

 

This time he was looking into how wine writer palate tasting fatigue sets in, and he set up an anonymous snitch line which actually revealed who was doing the whistleblowing.

 

From the section on wine scoring, he learned of many different techniques and systems. Then he began the tedious, rigorous and laborious task of verification, checking each response and source twice to ensure accuracy.

 

So how do the wine writers score wines? Here is his analysis as he reveals the diverse scoring systems –

 

* Wine Advocate (sometimes known as Parker) – uses a dartboard for Old World Wines and a shuffleboard for New World Wines.

 

* Wine Speculator – uses a roulette wheel, regardless of origin of wine.

 

* Wine writers who persist in using a star system – "We follow biodynamic principles. If they can pick by the moon, then we can taste by the moon. We just go out at night and count the stars visible in the urban sky."

 

* Marginal wine writers – "Some of us are on the B team, we cannot take chances, so we just pull a number out of a hat."

 

* Wine bloggers – there was a split here: some leave it up to typos, others let their cats paw the keyboard.

 

* Hangers on – here Brett found a wide range of responses. Using entrapment, he discovered that some scores are politically motivated, others are done with contempt, but more are based on price. One writer even creates his scores on vulgarity. Another tries to see what he can get away with…

 

 

More stories from Brett Grimsby as they develop…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

City of Toronto to get Alcohol Rebate from Ontario Government

In a stunning historical decision to be made tomorrow ( Monday), the City of Toronto acknowledged defeat in its attempt to get one cent back from the Canadian Federal gas tax. This tax has been promised for years. Instead of waiting for a political change in government, the City signed an accord with the Province of Ontario.

 

In exchange for distributing "Food and Drink" magazine to every household in the City of Toronto, the province has given the City one cent back from every bottle of alcohol sold at the LCBO in Toronto stores -- regardless of the bottle size.

 

Unfortunately, the rebate to the City does not include VQA wines nor fruit wines,  but it does include the prolific "Cellared in Canada" wines.

 

The money, said to be in the millions of dollars, will ensure that most alcohol-related problems in Toronto will be taken care of. The bottle rebate will fuel our local economy.

 

My mole (Miffed Mole) in the LCBO Legal Department says that the Board is considering appealing the accord. Apparently, the Board was not consulted in the matter and considers any abrupt changes like this without consultation to be highhanded and arrogant. But as Miffed said, "The pot calls the kettle..."

 

Mayor David Miller was pleased with the accord, saying that it was "acceptable". SheeLa Pure-Swirling Dervish, head of the Wine Writers group, said that this means the end of wine writers in Toronto, its home base. "If EVERYBODY gets that overstuffed publication, then nobody is going to want to pay to read other mags." The editors of Tidings, Vines and Wine Access magazines (actually, the same person edits all three) concurs. His resume has already been posted on my website...

 

More on this as it develops. The Grate McGuinty beams on...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com