$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ALL THE RUMOURS, MYTHS, & WEIRD WINE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ AND FOOD STORIES YOU CAN HANDLE.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$SS "NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL I GET, I CAN NEVER KEEP UP" (Lily Tomlin)

******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2010 SPIFFY Award yet again...


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2010 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

 

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news. [SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace…]. It's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

 

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of CellaredInCanada(TM) and Freggie(TM) stories. His spoofs in this area for 2010 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issue on which the spoofs are based is real.

 

The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) series would have had a higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such a local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issue. Nevertheless, the judges felt the ICB series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet, http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

 

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).

 

"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as (the late) Little Fat Wino and (the still with us) Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino had been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."

 

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

 

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…

 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

GOSH: WikiLeaks comes to Ontario wine industry

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – It has just been confirmed that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has hired the damage control firm of DeNile, Cover, and Exploit Inc.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Apparently, the WikiLeaks scandal has descended as far down as the sale of alcoholic beverages in Ontario. We are not sure what this means, but GOSH has surmised that intense speculation throughout the industry can only mean that such occurrences as secret wine tasting notes, price fixing, intraprovincial trading, and the like are about to be revealed soon.

 

Employees at the Crown Corporation have avoided GOSH's penetrating questions, Booze Ontario has refused to comment, the Winery and Growers' Allianze of Ontario did not return our calls, the Wine Counsel of Ontario hung up on us, and the Very Qualified Assessment board, while inviting us in for a drink, just smiled and refused to talk to us. Fruit Wines Ontario referred GOSH to the Freggie™ CellaredInCanada™ company. Wine Writer groups (real and bloggers) have avoided the issue in their writings. ICB Brands Inc. could not be contacted because they do not yet have a phone.

 

But this we have learned: the emails to be released by WikiLeaks will contain sordid information that could bring down a government. The question is: which government?

 

Apparently, the problem has been exacerbated by the records of people who get no respect in the industry. Said one industry source: "I'm so tired of being dissed."

 

"Name calling" seems to be about half the substance of the leaks.

 

More on this story as it slowly comes out…

 

 
 

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Freggie unleashes second wine this week

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The GOSH Wine News team has learned that Freggie™, the all-fruit and all-vegetable Ontario wine, is poised to release its SECOND top-secret wine in honour of the newly elected Council of the City of Toronto.

 

Last week it was announced that "Gravy Stain" would be forthcoming. Later this week, its new partner will be known as "Pinko".

 

The secret blend embraces raspberry juice, beet juice, and a dollop of Cherry juice. It will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

Freggie™ has advised that the wine must be stocked on the left side of the shelves.

 

More on this story as it evolves…

 

 

 
 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

GOSH: Freggie launches "Gravy Stain" wine to commemorate new Mayor Ford

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) --  Later today at a special dinner in Toronto to celebrate the Coronation Of Robert ("that dirty little coward who shot Mr. Howard") Ford as its pre-apocalyptic Mayor, it will be announced that Freggie ™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable CellaredinCanada™ wine, will unleash the first in a series of special bottlings.

 

To be called "Gravy Stain", the Freggie™ creation will have a leaky top that will ensure a gravy stain whenever some one pours a drink – or, most likely, quaffs right out of the bottle.

 

It will be introduced by Don "Maraschino" Cherry. The stain cannot be removed, unlike political incumbents.

 

Positioned at $6 a litre, the grey-brown wine will also be highly sought after for its cute and inventive label. Said one wine writer, "The winery managed to eliminate that burning, lingering aftertaste."

 

It will be available exclusively as +000666 on the General List at all stores owned and operated by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province.

 

 
 

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Ontario Crown Corporations Orderd to Stop Telling the Truth

Grate McGinty Orders Crown Corporations to Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice; Fallout from Ontario WikiLeaks Mess. As extensively borrowed from Andy Borowitz at www.borowitzreport.com.

[Dedicated to the late, great Larry Paterson aka Little Fat Wino]


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In the first major policy fallout from the Ontario WikiLeaks disclosures, the Grate McGinty has ordered all employees of the Crown Corporations of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

"We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again," the Premier's Office told reporters. "But until
we've got the leaks plugged, it's incumbent on all our Crown employees to put on their lying caps."

The Office noted that since many Crown employees are major political
donors with long careers in the business world, "this shouldn't be a reach for them."

But for those career employees who came up through the ranks, the
Treasury Board will be holding a series of "truth avoidance seminars," led by executives of the Toronto media.

Additionally, the Treasury Board said, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, would install on all employee computers new software called CandorShield™, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version.

 

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, is exempt from the rulings because nothing ever leaks from their containers.

More on this story as untruths generates…

 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

NEWS ALERT: CORRECTION to CLARIFICATION re: CORRECTION Notice on VQA wine prices.

NEWS ALERT -- NEWS ALERT -- NEWS ALERT
 
!!!!!!!!!! -- FOUR BELLS -- FOUR BELLS -- !!!!!!!!!!!!
 
**********************************************
 
GOSH Wine News Services wishes to issue a CORRECTION NOTICE to the CLARIFICATION NOTICE (Nov 21) of CORRECTION NOTICE of Nov 19: re changing VQA wine prices over the next five years.
 
GOSH  had said -- "We  had originally said: "Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed." To CLARIFY -- this has NOT been confirmed. Our egg whites did not clarify this muddled statement from our insider sources. There is every possibility that the numbers were reversed, and that VQA wines COULD increase at the phenomenal rate of 64% over the next five years. What has been confirmed is that the price of VQA wines will NOT increase 5% over the next 46 or 64 years."
 
It turns out that we NO LONGER have any "muddled"  insider sources -- they fled.
 
GOSH Wine News Services wishes to apologize and grovel for any inconvenience that its CLARIFICATION NOTICE to the CORRECTION NOTICE of Nov 19, 2010 had caused. We promise to do better -- until the next time.
 
More on this story as we continue to monitor the situation ...
 
 
 

Sunday, November 21, 2010

CLARIFICATION to CORRECTION re: VQA price hikes

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- CLARIFICATION NOTICE to hold off any potential law suits:
 
-- GOSH Wine News Services wishes to issue a CLARIFICATION to its CORRECTION notice dated  November 19, 2010.
 
We  had originally said: "Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed."
 
To CLARIFY -- this has NOT been confirmed. Our egg whites did not clarify this muddled statement from our insider sources.
 
There is every possibility that the numbers were reversed, and that VQA wines COULD increase at the phenomenal rate of 64% over the next five years. What has been confirmed is that the price of VQA wines will NOT increase 5% over the next 46 or 64 years.
 
GOSH Wine News Services wishes to apologize and grovel for any inconvenience that its CORRECTION notice had caused. We promise to do better -- until the next time.
 
More on this story as we strictly monitor our insider sources...
 
 
 

Friday, November 19, 2010

CORRECTION by GOSH Wine News Services re: VQA Wines and Hydro Rates.

CORRECTION:
 
The item recently issued by GOSH Wine News Services which broke the news that VQA wines would begin selling at a discount of 10% was, in fact, released in error. Our inside sources had confused the word "hydro rates" with "VQA wines".
 
What our sources meant to communicate is that the hydro component of CellaredInCanada(TM) wines would be sold at a 10% discount. The stretch water component of CIC wines (code named "hydro") would be listed on all LCBO cash register receipts for CIC wines, and a value based on the stretch water component would be eligible for a 10% discount.
 
Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed.
 
More on this story as it happens...
 
 
 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

GOSH BREAKING NEWS: Liberals to cut VQA wine prices by 10 per cent.

BREAKING NEWS:  Liberals to cut VQA wine prices by 10 per cent.

 

Ontario Finance Minister Dwight Duncan is set to announce a substantial decrease in VQA wine prices for Ontario consumers Thursday.

 

The Liberal government will cut Ontarians' VQA wine bills by 10 per cent starting on Jan. 1, GOSH Wine News Services has learned.

 

Finance Minister Dwight Duncan, bolstered by a $1 billion reduction in the provincial deficit, is to announce "substantial VQA wine relief" in Thursday's fall economic statement.

 

The new "Ontario VQA Wine Benefit" will be clearly visible on cash register receipts and bills, which should jolt the Liberals' political fortunes with a provincial election set for Oct. 6, 2011.

 

It takes effect in the New Year.

 

Senior officials confided the cash relief is designed to help consumers cope with prices that continue to rise in part due to ambitious winery projects and new LCBO infrastructures.

 

"We want to help out and we want it to be meaningful," said one insider.

 

Other Liberal insiders believe the 10 per cent rebate is "a game changer" as the second-term government focuses more on pocketbook issues in an election year.

 

Speaking to reporters, Conservative leader Tim Hudak belittled the VQA wine relief. "This is another huge backtrack by the McGuinty government," Hudak said.

 

More on this breaking news as it develops…

 

 
 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

GOSH: LCBO changes unopened-bottle return policy, reserves deposit fee?

NEWS ITEM: On Sept. 30, the LCBO changed its unopened-bottle return policy so customers will need a receipt to get a refund or to exchange a bottle. (Toronto Star, Nov. 1, 2010)

---------------------------------------------------

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) - The Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has quietly changed its unopened-bottle return policy so customers will now require a receipt to get a refund or exchange a bottle.

 

As of Sept. 30, the provincially owned monopoly had secretly decreed that retail customers have only 30 days from the date of purchase to get their money back or turn in unwanted products for something else. This policy was just announced November 1, a full thirty-one days since it became official.

 

The announcement blindsided many drinking patrons who regularly park themselves by the Corporation's doors.

 

"I had no idea," said one old-timer. "I thought everybody drank the bottles they bought. We certainly do," he said, gesticulating to his nearby friends who had surrounded a barrel that had a roaring fire.

 

In the event that a customer has lost or misplaced a receipt, the store manager could issue a gift card worth the same amount of the bottle. But it can then only be applied to Ontario VQA wine.

 

Said a spokesperson from the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, "We like to help the local wine industry. What's good for them is also good for us."

 

But it is speculated that those wine drinkers who do not want to consume Ontario VQA wines can barter for a receipt from one of the LCBO old-timers. Apparently, it has been found that LCBO staff never look closely at the receipts.

 

When asked to comment, Tin Whodat?, Conservative leader in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, expressed some conservatism: "Listen, if I have a bottle, I want to take back to the LCBO. I should be allowed to without a receipt — just like it has always been." [note: this is an actual quote from the Conservative leader]

 

At the same time, getting lost in the shuffle is the twenty cent credit for the deposit of the returned bottles. When this was pointed out to LCBO staff, the cashier said that it was just a software glitch, and that the refund would be posted to the buyer's account at a later date.

 

The LCBO is one of the world's largest alcohol retailers. It paid a $1.41 billion "dividend" to the Ontario government last year and an additional $405 million in provincial sales tax and $450 million in federal GST, excise taxes and customs duties.

 
 
 

Saturday, November 6, 2010

GOSH: New iPhone app seen as a perk of Wine Writer membership.

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Wine Writers of Canada group is happy to announce that it has developed a new iPhone application for its members.
 
The app is free, but you must be a member of the group in order to download, install, and access it.
 
It's being seen by many as a major perk of membership.
 
The app, called Wino Function, has been developed with the co-operation of all of players in the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, wine industry.
 
Simply put: your iPhone will beep continuously starting at 20 minutes before the beginning of any wine function in the GTA. Or, if you live in the Canadian hinterland of Lake Erie, Winnipeg, Halifax, or Prince Rupert, the beeps will start 20 minutes before any wine function in your own area or region. The beeps are bilingual, but closely match the harmonics of "How Dry Am I?"
 
By picking up the phone, you will receive a text message itemizing details of the upcoming tasting. Depending on where you are at the time, you may never be late for another tasting again. The beeping stops as you arrive at the tasting.
 
This is considered a boon for those who attend several functions a day, because in addition to the announcement of the next upcoming tasting, there will always be a handy list of excuses for an early departure from a currently happening tasting.

 
 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Slither Man promises wine for vote switchers.

NEWS ITEM: Toronto Life had reported (October, 2010) that mayoral candidate Rob Ford offered their feature writer: "bottles of wine as a gift when I visited him in his office and seemed puzzled that I thought it inappropriate, as a journalist, to accept what might be read as something other than an act of generosity."

_____________________________________________________________________ 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Defeated Trawna mayoral candidate Slither Man, in denial for more than a week, today will call a news conference to announce his plan for election.

 

Sources say that he has brokered a deal with the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province. Using his connections with the ruling Ontario Liberal government, he proposes giving a free beverage of choice Ontario wine to any voter who switches his vote from Ford Pinto to Slither Man. That beverage could be Freggie™, a fruit wine, VQA, or even the ever-popular CellaredinCanada™ wine. This action would also help the ailing Ontario wine industry.

 

It had already been pointed out to Slither Man that municipal votes, unlike provincial votes, are irreversible and cannot be switched. But he is determined to go through with the "new" election.

 

"If you can prove that you switched your vote from Ford Pinto to me, then I can get you a bottle of Ontario wine. All I need is a vote receipt, available from any District Returning Office." said the candidate.

 

Ford Pinto's response will apparently double the stake. "I will offer many bottles of Ontario wine just like I did to that media hack. Whatever he didn't take will be up for grabs. Nobody switches on me, you hear. Nobody."

 

When asked to comment on the stretch water component, both Ford Pinto and Slither Man professed ignorance and both walked away.

 

More on this story as it plays out…

 

 

 
 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Ford Pinto`s Agenda

 
This just in, to GOSH Wine News Services --
 
We have just learned that Ford Pinto`s agenda, on which he has been beaverishly working in preparation for the day when he assumes office, will contain, among other things, the addition of "gravy" to the all-fruit, all-vegetable Freggie(TM) wine. This version of Freggie(TM) will only be available for sale within the City of Toronto as it offends both PETA and vegans, prime targets of Ford Pinto.
 
Freggie (TM) Toronto Subway Train, as it will be known, will be marketed as "Freggie(TM) Train:  the gravy taste drinkers can't wait to finish"
 
The gravy train aspect of Freggie(TM) has been widely rumoured for some time, since it is the leading all-fruit, all-vegetable wine in Ontario and hence susceptible to smear and negative marketing campaigns.
 
More on this story after the announcement of Ford Pinto's agenda...
 

Sunday, October 24, 2010

BATF Report on Wine, via the Internet

From the Internet, decades ago...updated by me.


BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS --

REPORT #2010-17: AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE WINE INDUSTRY


DEFINITIONS:

Fully automatic - a bottle designed to be emptied at one sitting without
reclosing (also known as "cork-closure")

Semi-automatic - a bottle designed to be reclosed and poured
again (also known as "screw-top")

Assault bottle - a fully automatic high-capacity bottle
(street slang: "jug" or "magnum")

Hand bottle - a small, easily-concealed bottle, flask, or horn

Saturday Night Special - an inexpensive wine with high alcohol
content (such as Mad Dog 20-20)

THE NRA:

Wine devotees have created the NRA (National Riesling Association) to
present a respectable public facade, as well as to peddle influence
(known in the trade as "juice") to government officials. Controlled by
sinister French, Italian, and Californian families and their hirelings,
the NRA
tries to suppress all reasonable efforts to regulate the wine industry.
They operate covert production facilities in such locations as the
light-
tight basements of private wineries, also known as "caves", where public
scrutiny can easily be avoided.

Through the lavish distribution and use of their "juice", many
celebrities
and public officials have been co-opted into NRA participation. The
activities of such fellow-travellers as Wilbur Mills, Dean Martin and
Dudley Moore are well-documented, and need no elaboration here. Orson
Welles, before his untimely death from overindulgence in strenuous NRA
training, dared to suggest that wine consumption was part of a healthy,
quality lifestyle. Senator Ted Kennedy had been known, on numerous
occasions, to engage in pro-wine activities, ultimately leading to
clothing-optional activities. Charlton Heston was another involved
personality.

WINE MILITIAS:

Extremist NRA members join wine militia cells, often referred to as
"tasting groups". Camouflaged in Birkenstocks and Polo shirts, they
engage
in clandestine night-time and weekend maneuvers they innocently call
"horizontals" and "verticals". Militia members have also been observed
purchasing unregistered bottles (usually by the dozen, or "case") from
vendors of dubious repute around the globe, and shipping them illegaly
and
clandestinely across governmental jurisdictions disguised as "olive oil"
or "auto parts". They unabashedly perform these deeds in full view of
their children, who eventually learn to accept this deviant behavior as
normal.

At various times, wine militias have exploited the labor of repressed
people in such countries as Chile, Bulgaria, Slovenia and South Africa
in
order to satiate the palates of their oppressors.

Some well-to-do wine militia members possess extensive arsenals that
they
could not possibly consume themselves. They conceal these arsenals in
vast, underground temperature and humidity-controlled bunkers called
"wine
cellars", to which they repair with other militia members for lengthy
periods of time during which they admire, fondle, sort, and wax poetic
at
interminable length about their "collections". They baldly maintain
these
outsize "collections" are solely for personal "recreational" use.

The most radical militia members practice a frightening survivalist
creed known as "home winemaking". Assaulting governmental authority,
these sociopaths manufacture unsophisticated but powerful wines from
easily-obtained, unregulated ingredients such as Concord grapes
purchased
at the local grocery store or grown on their own private property. Their
goal is to inflict their wines on innocent members of the public; given
the
potential for mayhem this can cause, confrontation with these ultra-
extrmists is to be avoided at all costs. Their products are routinely
condemned even by more mainstream NRA members.

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT DAVIS

This is a primary indoctrination and training center for the NRA.
Unsuspecting youths, ostensibly enrolling to obtain what is
euphemistically
termed a "higher education", quickly absorb the ideology of their elders
and new masters.

From Davis, zombie-like "graduates" spread fifth-column messages across
the
country, encoded in shibboleths with such strange appelations as the
now-
unmasked and discredited "AxR 1 rootstock" cipher and "micropore filter"
dogma. There's a reason why a glassy-winged insect is called
"sharpshooter".

Of particular note, one Doctor Noble (we believe this to be an blatantly
assumed aristocratic pseudonym) has contrived a brightly-colored wheel-
shaped plastic plaything to lure ever-younger children into her minions
through the expedient of likening the unpleasantly alcoholic olfactory
sensations of wine to familiar, everyday smells.

LINKS TO ORGANIZED CRIME AND HATE GROUPS

Wine militias have shadowy links with many other underground
organizations.
Among the most blatant examples:

*Chianti is routinely consumed by the "button men" of Sicilian crime
families, who also engage in extortion, gambling, prostitution, drug-
dealing and assassination. The upper echelons of these same families
are
reported to prefer regular consumption of nebbiolo-based products
over the local primitivos and negro d'amaros.

*The Aryan nation and many skinhead groups are known to drink cheap wine
and other potent alcoholic beverages before engaging in hate crimes.

*Reliable informants have also observed virulently anti-Arab sects using
vast quantities of wine in secret rituals masquerading as religious
ceremonies. Mogen David, which reputedly contains more alcohol per
dollar than any other wine, figures prominently in this subculture.

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PROPOSED LEGISLATION

- Hold vineyards responsible for all crimes and losses caused by
persons consuming the wines they originate
- 5-day waiting period and background check for all wine purchases
- Registration of all hand bottles
- Ban manufacture and importation of assault bottles for civilian use
(Magnums would still be available to law enforcement agencies)
- Ban assault bottle "look-alikes" (such as sparkling cider and near
beer)
- Ban mechanical uncorking devices, which allow fully automatic pouring
and have no legitimate sporting purpose
- Ban Saturday night specials (i.e. Mad Dog 20-20, Thunderbird)
- Ban arsenals of more than 10 bottles
- Design all bottles to dispense no more than 2 oz. per pour; the bottle
would have to be raised to dispense another portion
- State-operated wine armories would store bottles for individuals until
they are ready to consume them. Wine tasters would then surrender
their
drivers licenses until the empty bottle is returned and a satisfactory
blood alcohol check is performed.

WINE SAFETY EDUCATION POINTERS

Always keep wine locked in a wine jail when not in use
Always store corkscrews separately from bottles
Keep your finger off the corkscrew lever until ready to open
Always aim a bottle in a safe direction (applicable to sparkling wines)
Always treat every bottle as loaded
Always treat every wine taster as loaded

SUBVERSIVE SLOGANS ON BUMPER STICKERS SOLD AT WINE EVENTS

Wine doesn't kill people - people kill people
I'd rather be drinking!
Bottle on Board
I have an honor student at the Cape Wine Academy
Driver only carries $50 worth of cabernet
This car stops for all wine sales!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Crime control -- not wine control
Wine tasters do it with their tongues
I'm pro-wine and I vote!
I love my wine, but I fear my government
I'll give up my Dominus when they pry it from my cold, dying hand

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Top Ten Wine Predictions for the Upcoming Decade.

NEWS item: The Globe and Mail, in its eager attempt to drum up specious advertising for a specious audience, has replaced lefty columnist Rick Salutin with a continuing stream of doom and gloom predictions for the next decade. (Oct 9, 2010)

 

-------------------------------------------

 

TORONT0 – (GOSH Wine News Services) – On Monday, October 18, 2010, in Prime Time, GOSH Wine Services will unleash its Top Ten Wine Predictions for the upcoming decade, 2011-2020. Full details will be given at the appropriate chronological moment. But Miffed Mole has leaked the top ten:

 

10. In a stunning switch to implement the new P2P relationship in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, the heads of the LCBO and Constellation Brands will switch for a fiscal year. Bob Peter becomes CEO of Constellation Brands, and Rob Sands becomes CEO of the LCBO. The "Rob and Bob Show" continues with brother Richard Sands assuming the lateral-move to Chairman of the Board position with the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province. It is anticipated that there will be no changes whatsoever, now or in the future.

 

9. The Vintners' Quality Alliance (VQA) for Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will re-brand itself as the VOCATIONAL QUALIFYING AUTHORITY (VQA) for licenses to winemakers. All Ontario winemakers must now go back to an Ontario wine school in order to obtain professional credentials.

 

8. Worried over the increase in both wine and bottling prices, Franzia has decided to rename the Charles Shaw brand. The company has apparently decided to use some inferior mediocre wines from the Central Valley rather than seek a price increase. The new name in California will now be Two Buck Upchuck.

 

7. The Wine Bloggers' Circle of Canada (WBCC) will be pleased to announce the arrival of its one millionth member. There are now more people writing about high quality wines (over $8 at the LCBO) than there are actually consuming them.

 

6. GOSH Wine News Services will continue its top wine investigations by employing more data-driven journalism, supported by bottle deposits from friends and other writer groups in order to pay for access to documents through the Freedom Of Information Act at the LCBO, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

5. Realizing that there is a major conflict of interest between regulating and selling beverages in Ontario, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will wisely split up the LCBO into the LCBO and the LCBO. The former LCBO, A Clone, er, Crown Corporation, will regulate the sale of alcohol to the consumer, while the latter LCBO, re-named as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, will become A Clown Corporation, and charged with regulating the sales of all beverages in Ontario (water, alcohol, coffee, soft drinks, apple juice, and more). Each store must hire a Clown to look after the sales.

 

4. There will continue to be no alcoholic beverages sold at Farmers' Markets until after the year 2020. Non-VQA wineries will continue to be prohibited from using the word "Ontario" on their labels. In fact, regulations for non-VQA wines will be further tightened so that there will be no words on the label that relate to identifying where the wine was made. Fruit wineries of Ontario will continue to beat their heads against the walls of the government.

 

3. The Wine Writers' Circle of Canada will set up a wine wiki site, the be-all and end-all of wine knowledge.

 

2. Because of the new Transparency Act in Ontario, the cash register receipt from the LCBO will be unbundled. This paper will reveal the true taxes and fees, mark-ups, laboratory testing costs, shipping, and the like. GOSH Wine News Services predicts that once the public knows about the changes, there will be riots in the streets and SWAT teams will be needed to protect LCBO stores and its employees.

 

And the Number One Wine Prediction for the upcoming 2011-2020 decade? -- drum roll please --

 

Number One:     

 

To the Liberal Government's embarrassment, people will actually start talking about the STRETCH WATER COMPONENT of Ontario wines. On this one issue, they cannot be shut up. Their motto – "Water Forever" – rings from the rooftops and surrounds Bay Street. There is even a Stretch Water Party (SWAP) led by Ms. Euphrasie Cosette who predicts victory on October 6, 2011!!!

 

 
 

Monday, October 11, 2010

GOSH: LCBO-SAQ Liaison to Wholesale Alcohol.

News Item: The SAQ is venturing outside its borders as a wholesaler (Globe and Mail, Oct 5, 2010).

 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Tomorrow the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, will be announcing that it is joining its colleague Societe des Alcools du Quebec in venturing outside its own borders as a wholesaler, carrying hefty pricing power given that it is already a major buyer.

 

An emergency sitting of the penurious Ontario Have-Not Legislature will be called to pass yet another law (readers may remember last week's Transparency Act) in an attempt to generate more revenues for its treasury. The new law will allow the LCBO to compete as a wholesaler on global markets and as a supplier of Ontario alcoholic beverages.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Said an LCBO source, "We're doing this as a 50-50 partnership with our labour union. OPSEU will be doing the initial funding, and we will be doing the initial wholesaling and retailing. We look forward to years of labour peace and quiet at the LCBO, now that we have involved the union as an equal stakeholder."

 

By wholesaling, the LCBO hopes to eliminate the agency system and become a liquor giant like Tesco in the UK or Costco in the US. In essence, it will be buying alcohol for its own retailing. New names for the wholesaler, operating under license to the LCBO, have been suggested to match Tesco, such as Libco.

 

But some wags have suggested that Libco means "Liberal company". The LCBO strongly denies this, and said it just means "Liquor Board Company."

 

As for the Ontario wine business, the LCBO will be the chief supplier of the stretch water component that goes into the CellaredinCanada™ product. Said a spokesperson, "We know where all the taps are, we've got RFID on all of them, and Ontario wineries must only use OUR taps which are metered."

 

The LCBO in the water business? Anything is possible in the beverage alcohol world.

 

More on this story as it taps out…

 
 
 

Saturday, October 2, 2010

GOSH: Transparency Act to apply to Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario

TRAWNA – Gosh Wine News Services has just learned that the Ontario Legislature will begin an immediate emergency sitting to quickly pass the Ontario Transparency Act (colloquially known as the "Glasshouse Bill"). This has resulted from the Review Inquiry into the Office of the Ombudsman. That Inquiry had called for transparency at every level in all of the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, dealings with the public.

Complying with the impending legislation will be the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province.

Said a spokesperson, "The easiest way to do this would be simply to post on the website the overall policies regarding how the mark-ups and taxes are arrived at. Then, we would list the individual components for each and every base FOB price, fee, tax, cartage, mark-up, assorted levels of eco-levies, profit to the agent, HST and the like. This laundry ticket of breakout, so common with energy and communication bills, will be made and posted for every one of the thousands of products that we have in inventory."

Also in the works is a breakout on your cash register bill. The LCB is borrowing Canada Post software in order to modify it and reproduce the section that keeps adding to the bill by listing the various fees and taxes.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

With transparency, CellaredinCanada™ wines will sell for 75 cents a bottle (plus mark-ups, levies, fees, taxes, deposits, etc). The average price for modest Argentine wines will be $1.50, while regular wines will be about $2 a bottle. It is expected that VQA wines will begin at $2.25 a bottle.

Said a reliable source at the LCB: "We'll soon have the cheapest prices for wines in North America. Nobody can beat us. Noooooooo-body!"

 
 

Sunday, September 26, 2010

GOSH: LCBO to match lowest prices in Canada

TORONTO – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) will announce Monday that new legislation from the Ontario Liberal government will enable the Crown Corporation to match the lowest prices on alcoholic beverages offered anywhere in Canada.

 

In doing so, the provincial government will be enabling a most-favoured nation (MFN) clause. MFN clauses require that a province be given the lowest price that is provided to another province or private payers. This means that when a producer such as a winery reduces its price to win a listing in one province it must also reduce its price in the province with MFN clauses.

 

These MFN clauses may be structured or enforced to minimize their potential anti-competitive effects.

 

Said a spokesperson for the LCBO, "We wanted to offer a Good Deal for the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. We've crunched the numbers and we believe that we can still offer value and retain market share and profits. Why should Ontarians pay the current $18.95 for Gray Monk Gewurztraminer when the B.C. customer gets it for $16.99? Starting next month, Ontario will offer it for $16.99. And why should Quebecois get Mondavi Fume Blanc for $16.50 (it's $22.95 in Ontario)? We too will offer it for $16.50. And beers too. Why shouldn't we be offered the same floor price for wines, beers, and spirits that are sold for less money in other provinces? There'll be more to come. Just watch us."

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next hour or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Grimsby said, "The MFN's purpose is to ensure that the Ontario province implements the policy benefits from low prices provided to other provinces such as B.C., Quebec, or Alberta.

 

"The LCBO, as you probably know, has been mandated by McGuinty's people to come up with a soft approach for the impending 2011 election. They're going to bear the brunt of whether McGuinty gets re-elected or not. Certainly, they will be blamed if the Liberal party is not re-elected to power. The threat is an open one: either come up with a way for the LCBO (and thus McGuinty) to be popular with the people or be sold off to private hands. McGuinty will have his way with this one."

 

"Sources, though," admited Grimsby, "should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures."

 

More on this interesting turn of events as it develops…

 

 
 

Sunday, September 19, 2010

GOSH: Ontario couple found guilty of honey laundering

U.S. federal grand jury indicts 11 German and Chinese executives for conspiring to illegally import US$40-million of honey from China – News item, Sept 2, 2010.

 

--------------------------------------

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Sam and Ella Miele have been found guilty of "honey laundering" by importing unregulated honey from China.

 

Brett Grimsby has been covering this story for GOSH Wine News Services ever since he dug up information that the Mieles were using the honey to add botrytis to their white wines.

 

Said Grimsby: "Honey is a tightly controlled substance in Ontario, A Have-Not Province  – it is a necessary product for mead wines. Every speck of honey must be accounted for."

 

The Mieles claim that they were only trying to use the honey to add complexity to their wines. "We meant no harm", said Sam.

 

But false labelling practices coupled with use of unregulated honey loaded with bacteria and antibiotics led to their downfall.

 

"It is good to see law enforcement take seriously the problem of illegal honey imports," said a spokesperson from Agriculture Canada. "Now we also need the FDA to weigh in with a national honey standard to make sure this crackdown on Chinese imports sticks."

 

There was no immediate reaction from the Apple Growers Association of Canada.

 

An angry Ella said, "Our botrytis-affected whites have all been award winners – the All Canadians, the Ontario Wine Awards, and the Canadian Wine Awards. We got Double Gold each time. We made damn good wine with the honey and grapes. We'd still be in this business if we could've used Ontario honey. But there wasn't any! It was all bought up by the big guys, leaving nothing for small businesses like us. We were forced to import from China! They made us do it!!"

 

When asked how he found the story, Grimsby said he just followed the money, er, honey. There was a rumour that the botrytis was not natural, and Grimsby checked it out. One thing led to another, and he scanned manifests for provincial honey allocations and then for imported honey allocations. The road led to Sam and Ella Miele.

 

More on this story after sentencing next Thursday…

 
 
 

Monday, September 13, 2010

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network co-operate

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services – GOSH has now expanded!! In an attempt to be even more relevant than ever before, GOSH has allowed the new Foxy Wine News Network to buy 49% of the GOSH corporation.

This will permit both companies to offer cross-platforms of expertise. The Foxy Wine News Network will have Brett Grimsby as their top investigative wine reporter, digging out the dirt on all things vinous. He'll host the W5 segment (Wine, Wine, Wine, Wine, and more Wine).

The Grape Guy and The Edge will debate serious wine issues of the day. Both are well-known for their voices – but just wait until you see them on the new show, Wine Radio With Pictures.

Another new show: Six of One, Half-a-Dozen of Another – the CellaredinCanada™ game show, with prizes to include a year's supply of wine. Freggie™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine, has already been signed up as a major sponsor.

The Wine Guy and Little Fat Wino will be hosting a weekly series of Bordeaux versus Ontario wine competitions. They promise that this will be a reality show to end all reality shows. It's been tentatively titled B.O.

Politicians will be guests on The Whine and BBQ Show – where our top reporters will grill them and fry them. First up will be The Grate McGinty as he begins the long segue to a 2011 election and oblivion. He'll try to explain government alcohol monopolies -- without snickering.

Fruit wines will finally have their say as James Warren, QC, takes us on a tour of all of the fruit wineries in Canada. There'll be a new fun tour each week. Jim, as we all know, is Canada's answer to Anthony Bourdain.

Also new: The Transparency Show, in which economic and management experts try to break down the secret codes and taxes that are applied to alcohol products across Canada, pointing out variations and why certain wines cost more in Ontario and/or Quebec and/or British Columbia. The CellaredinCanada™ wines will be first up to bat.

More details to be released when the Fall Vintage Television season appears….

 
 

Friday, September 10, 2010

BREAKING NEWS FLASH...Freggie(TM) t'launch noo blends...

 
 
BREAKING NEWS: This hyar jest in, as enny fool kin plainly see... Freggie(TM) has announced thet it will be sellin' a special cuvee jest in time fo' th' Rosh Hashanah period, cuss it all t' tarnation. GOSH Likker Noos Services has cornfirmed thet one of th' two blends t'be made available will be 70% Conco'd grapes wif 30% Jersusalem artichokes (an', of course, due t'VQA legislashun, it is not eligible fo' th' "Made in Ontario, A Have-Not Province" designashun - thet w'dn't be kosher). Howevah, th' makers of Freggie(TM) annicipate greater sales of t'other blend, 70% Jersusalem artichokes wif 30% Conco'd grapes on account o' it is eligible t'state on th' label, "100% Ontario, A Have-Not Province, vegitable an' fruit a six packs". Neifer blend will include th' dreaded an' secretive stretch water component. This hyar launch is specked t'be at th' Bell Lightbox next Thursday, in time fo' th' TIF(TMF's Midnight Madness event...
 
 
 

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

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