It's April, folks, and Pandemic Winery of the Bruce Trail has announced that it has just bought the California winery CARBON FOOTPRINT WINES, and that these wines will be available in Ontario just in time for Mother's Day. Each wine comes in a two kilo bottle with a four inch cork and original lead capsule.
Owner Ron Washam-Dryem's motto at Carbon Footprint Wines was "A bigger footprint gets us closer to our destination." He believed that climate change is real and unstoppable. And while others saw this as a negative, he saw it as an opportunity. An opportunity to speed up climate change, get this whole thing over with, end the suspense and get right down to extinction. Says Washam-Dryem, "We're not killing the whole planet; Nature will survive, it always does, we're just killing off ourselves, the human race, an entirely worthy goal. Now, when Ontarians open a bottle of Carbon Footprint Wines, they can rest assured that we've done everything possible to not only make the wine delicious and satisfying, but we've also done everything we can to have degraded our natural resources and contribute to greenhouse gases. You have our word."
In order to produce the finest wines possible, grapes need to have the least competition possible. Every insect or weed, every living thing in the vineyard, detracts from the vines. This is simple scientific fact. Carbon Footprint Wines sprays every single available herbicide, pesticide and fungicide over and over again until the only living thing in the vineyard is the grapevine. They make sure to plant on the steepest hillsides for the best soil erosion results, leeching lots of chemicals into local streams and ridding them of annoying piscine pests. Hillside vines make for fabulous Carbon Footprint Zinfandel. The winery recently dynamited their caves and built a gigantic air-conditioned warehouse so it is certain that every bottle of Carbon Footprint Chardonnay will be in perfect condition after its stay in the electricity-guzzling storage facility. Pandemic Winery of the Bruce Trail will continue to maintain this tradition.
Each bottle of the California varietals will sell for $9.95; the first to be available is the Zin Sinfandel 2012, CSPC +66669...
Chimo! www.deantudor.com
