Statute to Protect the LCBO from April Fool pranks

TRAWNA --  (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, the Legislative Assembly for Ontario, A Have-Not Province, gave third reading to Bill 139, a Bill to Prohibit April Fool's Day Spoofs of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

This will mean that NO ONE person or corporation in Ontario is allowed to spoof, to tease, to poke fun at, to scoff at, to parody, to burlesque, to laugh at, to scorn, to make fun of, to imitate, to ridicule, to caricature, to distort, to takeoff, to mock, to deride, to send up, to put down, to disparage, to knock, to lampoon, to satirize, or otherwise to demean the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, on April 1 of each and every year.

 

Non-compliance with this new Statute, in force as of tomorrow, can result in a fine of up to $500,000 and/or two years less a day in a correctional institution where they only serve Cellared In Canada wines.

 

In a separate announcement made by an overly cheerful spokesperson, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, said that it will not tolerate any silliness from any of the 40 licensed wine writers who would write a column about the LCBO on this particular day, especially since the day of the week this year is Wednesday, which is also the day many newspapers and other media outlets publish their food and drink sections. There and many beverage ads on this day of the week, including those of the LCBO, A Crown etc. Such wine writers can expect to have their licenses lifted.

 

At the same time, the 2,000,000 wine bloggers in Ontario are crying "Foul!" since the legislation will NOT affect the other 8,000,000 wine bloggers in Canada who live outside Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Unfortunately, the Statute has yet to be translated into French, which means that French-language writers may have a field day (jour de champs). Apparently, the translation office of the Ontario government is upset over the pending "blended" sales taxes; they will have to charge more in fees. Blending is no news for Ontarians since they have been forced to endure Cellared in Canada blends for years.

 

When asked to comment, Dean Tudor, well-known raconteur of wine tales, said, "I may have to brush up on my French. I've got some stories about "Cellared in Quebec" products that will need telling. I'll get them translated, if I have to. Meanwhile, April First is coming:  just watch me. . ."

 

More on this development come April First. Stand by, Ontario. . .

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Ontario's Fruit Wineries to Define Ontario's Presence at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Ontario's Tourism Ministry, now in the throes of the agonizing process of seeking proposals to design, develop and manage the have-not province's presence at the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics and Paralympics, has settled on the design logo, sources say.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public…

 

Apparently, the Province of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is finally recognizing its have-not status, and has deliberately chosen a logo and design based on a have-not industry: Ontario's fruit wineries.

 

Shut out and barred from every existing alcohol beverage sales channel, the plucky "have-not" fruit wineries are ecstatic. The Ministry of Tourism, in its request-for-tender documents, has suggested that the BC facility should feature a striking design, showcase made-in-Ontario products and services, and be state-of-the-art and environmentally sustainable. Being at the LEED Platinum Level for fruit wineries certainly would help, and that's a given since most of them certainly have been certified with the QC seal.

 

The Ministry is close to an announcement. They are waiting for the updated redesign of the Fruit Wineries of Ontario logo with its QC certification. One original design was apparently discarded because it promoted the Fruitwines of Upper Canada at Kelowna. President Jim Warren has been busy sketching new ideas, with input from the Ontario Vinicultural Association.

 

Meanwhile, Grimsby has learned that the LCBO and WCO has launched its own "Cellared in China" fruit wine campaign in order to take advantage of the Ministry's call for a logo and design. They believe that the now extra prominence given to fruit wines will bring in a new sense of order to the have-not province, with newly expanding markets. Instead of the Cellared In Canada 70/30 split in imported/domestic grape wine origins, the Cellared in China campaign will be just 100% imported fruit wines from China. The two groups are seizing the marketing opportunities (watch for the new Internet-only media campaign involving YouTube, MySpace, Blogspot, Twitter, Facebook and wine bloggers everywhere) and are poised to take over all the fruit wine thunder in Ontario, to the dismay of the OVA.

 

Since the OVA has nothing to lose in its battle with the "Os" (LCB, GG and WC), it has decided to plead its case to the Provincial Have-Not Cabinet, claiming that since OVA is the ONLY beverage alcohol organization with its name BEGINNING with the word "Ontario", then it is best poised to be the representative in BC. After all, who could be best suited to represent a have-not province than a have-not industry?

 

More on this story as it develops….stay tuned.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Fruit Wines at Farmers Markets

The constant drama, bad judgment, poor choices and self-delusion of the Ontario government's dithering with our wine industry has led to a death spiral and a wine catastrophe of epic proportions in This Have-Not Province.

 

Here's the latest threat --

 

ALL Ontario fruit wineries will NOW be allowed to market their wines at Farmers' Markets this Spring 2009, so long as the wines pass a panel of expert grapewine tasters. The point spread must be at least 13 out of 20.

 

There will be NO limit on how much wine can be sold in this manner, and there will be no restrictions on where the fruit comes from – or even who makes it.

 

According to one source, the larger grape wineries are poised to swoop in with some "Cellared in China" apple wine product. And that is just the beginning...My sources tell me MANGO wine (from Ontario mangoes) is next up -- just perfect for summer around the poolside.

 

Shudder, shudder…more on how this plays out later...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: How Wine Critics Score Wines

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning revelation issued just hours ago, the well-known top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby released his poll findings from his latest sting operation.

 

This time he was looking into how wine writer palate tasting fatigue sets in, and he set up an anonymous snitch line which actually revealed who was doing the whistleblowing.

 

From the section on wine scoring, he learned of many different techniques and systems. Then he began the tedious, rigorous and laborious task of verification, checking each response and source twice to ensure accuracy.

 

So how do the wine writers score wines? Here is his analysis as he reveals the diverse scoring systems –

 

* Wine Advocate (sometimes known as Parker) – uses a dartboard for Old World Wines and a shuffleboard for New World Wines.

 

* Wine Speculator – uses a roulette wheel, regardless of origin of wine.

 

* Wine writers who persist in using a star system – "We follow biodynamic principles. If they can pick by the moon, then we can taste by the moon. We just go out at night and count the stars visible in the urban sky."

 

* Marginal wine writers – "Some of us are on the B team, we cannot take chances, so we just pull a number out of a hat."

 

* Wine bloggers – there was a split here: some leave it up to typos, others let their cats paw the keyboard.

 

* Hangers on – here Brett found a wide range of responses. Using entrapment, he discovered that some scores are politically motivated, others are done with contempt, but more are based on price. One writer even creates his scores on vulgarity. Another tries to see what he can get away with…

 

 

More stories from Brett Grimsby as they develop…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

City of Toronto to get Alcohol Rebate from Ontario Government

In a stunning historical decision to be made tomorrow ( Monday), the City of Toronto acknowledged defeat in its attempt to get one cent back from the Canadian Federal gas tax. This tax has been promised for years. Instead of waiting for a political change in government, the City signed an accord with the Province of Ontario.

 

In exchange for distributing "Food and Drink" magazine to every household in the City of Toronto, the province has given the City one cent back from every bottle of alcohol sold at the LCBO in Toronto stores -- regardless of the bottle size.

 

Unfortunately, the rebate to the City does not include VQA wines nor fruit wines,  but it does include the prolific "Cellared in Canada" wines.

 

The money, said to be in the millions of dollars, will ensure that most alcohol-related problems in Toronto will be taken care of. The bottle rebate will fuel our local economy.

 

My mole (Miffed Mole) in the LCBO Legal Department says that the Board is considering appealing the accord. Apparently, the Board was not consulted in the matter and considers any abrupt changes like this without consultation to be highhanded and arrogant. But as Miffed said, "The pot calls the kettle..."

 

Mayor David Miller was pleased with the accord, saying that it was "acceptable". SheeLa Pure-Swirling Dervish, head of the Wine Writers group, said that this means the end of wine writers in Toronto, its home base. "If EVERYBODY gets that overstuffed publication, then nobody is going to want to pay to read other mags." The editors of Tidings, Vines and Wine Access magazines (actually, the same person edits all three) concurs. His resume has already been posted on my website...

 

More on this as it develops. The Grate McGuinty beams on...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com