CLARIFICATION: Michael Jackson and Cellared in Canada wines.

POINT OF CLARIFICATION:

 

 

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to make it absolutely clear that the Michael Jackson now living in Sudbury (and written about in this blog on July 3 and July 8) and promoting his Cellared in Canada "Moonwalk" wines through the Association of Cellared in Canada Wines is the King of Pop (Junior Division) -- and is in no way the same person (or even related to) the Michael Jackson who has written about the barley products of beer and scotch, and who unfortunately died two years ago.

 

Also: the Michael Jackson aka King of Pop (Junior Division) now living in Sudbury is not related to the Michael Jackson of the All-Ontario Fruit Winery located in Wingham, Ontario.

 

Nor to Michael Jackson, the consumer at the Local Pub and Grill who merely consumes the stuff and pays for all of the Ontario Government debts with his purchases.

 

Nor to Michael Jackson the vineyard owner in Perth, Ontario.

 

Nor to Michael Jackson, the Product Consultant employed by the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Indeed, Michael Jackson aka King of Pop (Junior Division) and CEO of "Moonwalk" wines is now related to nobody…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: New fruit and vegetable wines for Ontario, LCBO shut out.

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a surprise announcement today, the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has mandated that a new wine be created to aid the fruit and vegetable farmers of Ontario. Fruit wineries have been conscripted to ferment and bottle the must.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for weeks now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

The wine, to be known as Freggie™, is a blend of 70% fruit wines and 30% vegetable wines, all to come from 100% Ontario growth. Our sources tell us that the product will be launched in 250mL, 500mL and lL TetraPaks. Apparently, it is to be sold only at farmers' markets in Ontario, year round, with a limited alcohol content of 10%.

 

Official representation has come from the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines, who have also determined that the old slogans and advertisements for the 1950s Canadian Freshie™ beverage mix have fallen into the public domain. They can now be reused, with the word "Freggie™".

 

Not to be outdone, the upstart Canadian Cellared in Canada Wine Group has come up with its own wine, to be known as V-8/F-4™, a collection of eight vegetable wines plus four fruit wines in a 70% vegetable wine and 30% fruit wine spread, reversing the percentages used in Freggie™. Their marketing slogan involves the phrase "Root Cellared in Canada Wines".

 

When asked to comment, Jim Warren (still busy chairing seven Ontario wineries plus one in Nova Scotia) who is Executive Director for Life of the Fruit Wines of Ontario, said: "While we regret not being to sell our fruit-only wines at farmers' markets in Ontario, we are happy to be making and bottling the wines. We have underused capacity at every fruit winery, and this will make for gainful employment. As a former Latin teacher, I wish them well and suggest a motto: Nunquam spuemus."

 

Sources at the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, said that management was disappointed that they were left out of the process. "We have so much to offer Freggie™ and V-8/F-4™ through our distribution channels that the wines would not normally be sold at. Not everyone can get to a farmers' market in Ontario. But I guess that they were unhappy with how we reacted to the Cellared in Canada wine, "Charlie's Winesluts."

 

Initial pre-orders from vegan restaurants have been encouraging.

 

More on this story as it develops.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO to announce wine policy change for summer; red wine no longer to be offered.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a dramatic breakthrough in the cash crunch category of heavy inventory, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has made a decision to alleviate fiscal problems of long standing.

 

As it now develops, the LCBO will no longer be selling red wines during the summer period.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

"We have a whole shipload of wines in our warehouses," said spokesperson Miffed Mole.  "And quite frankly, we can make more money by offering this space as storage for some of Toronto's garbage. Certainly, it cannot smell any worse than the Cellared in Canada area here."

 

The plan is to sell only white wines, bubblies, and rose wines until Labour Day, and then honour the adage "Nothing white after Labour Day". By September 7, these wines should all sell out, reducing bloated inventory, and then the LCBO will once again be offering red wines, which are, of course, the preferred colour for fall, winter and spring.

 

Mole said: "Everybody with a wine diploma knows reds are the ultimate cool climate wines, so why not sell them In Ontario just at that cooler time of year?"

 

Consignment wines will not be affected, and may be the only summer source of red wines, along with Ontario winery stores. Unfortunately, true to form, fruit wines were never ever a factor.

 

Reactions from consumer focus groups were apparently enthusiastic since white wines and roses are demonstrably less expensive than red wines. Said one respondent: "I'm all in favour of cheaper wine. Bring it on!"

 

A press conference is being called for this Thursday, at LCBO HQ. More on this story then, as it develops…

 

www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Michael Jackson still alive, invests in Cellared in Canada wines, LCBO to test.

SUDBURY – (GOSH Wine New Services) – In the midst of all the chaos over the death of Michael Jackson (and this includes wills, estates, memorial services, and excessive public grieving), GOSH Wine News Services has learned that it has been all a HOAX.

 

Jackson is alive and well, and living in Sudbury, Ontario, where he can most comfortably do the Moonwalk. "A northern cooler climate agrees with me, and so should the wines," he said.

 

Supporting him in his quest for peace and quiet is Farrah Fawcett, who earlier preceded him to the Nirvana described as Sudbury.

 

Soon to join them both is Darth Grabinsky, convicted of fraud in looting LiveEnt. He will be sentenced to serve several years in the Sudbury area, according to our sources.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his story based on several interviews with sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

All three are getting together to sink millions in the creation of new Cellared in Canada products. Jackson will have his "Moonwalk" label, while Fawcett will concentrate on "Charlie's Winesluts". Darth will bring his marketing expertise to the enterprise and is slated to be the new CRO (Chief Restructuring Officer) as part of his community service. The LCBO will, of course, test the products before they go on sale.

 

Star-struck creditors are sure to line up to sample the new wines provided by both the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) and the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). But they will have to wait until the thousands of wine bloggers have had their way and say.

 

Unfortunately, the two major CIC wine associations are fighting to represent the lucrative wine contracts. The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) is disputing the legality of the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). ACCW claims an exclusive charter for foreign representation, while CICWA claims to represent the rights of foreign offshore products through the DOP program. This matter has been before the courts for years, and may never be resolved in out lifetime.

 

It is believed that if these Cellared in Canada wines take off from their location in Sudbury with successful sales, then VQA wines may not be far behind. GOSH has heard unsubstantiated rumours that Jackson is interested in fruit wineries, who would appear to be gung-ho for a new deal in Ontario.

 

More on this story as it unravels…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: The late Michael Jackson's involvement with Moonwalk Cellared in Canada wine

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Service) – The "Fallout" from the death of the late, lamented Michael Jackson continues. GOSH Wine News Service has just learned that The King of Pop (Junior Division) had invested in a new winery operation in Ontario.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story, and he files his material based on several interviews with sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Apparently, Jackson was impressed by the fine showing made here by the wine celebrities Gretzky, Weir and Aykroyd. He too wanted to be a winemaker and to create his mark on the Canadian landscape. The winery, to be based in Sudbury, was to be known as "Moonwalk", but it was to specialize just in "Cellared in Canada" wines.

 

Jackson had been led to believe that he could physically shelter his money in a wine cellar in Canada, but that to do so, he had to invest in a winery that would ostensibly be above board and offer only "Cellared in Canada" wines. Not knowing what that term meant, Jackson and his handlers stuffed millions of dollars into the operation, along with an equal investment in a TetraPak bottling line.

 

The Jackson Family are crying "foul", which is probably an apt tasting description of the wine known as "Moonwalk". Both red and white wines were to be offered.

 

At the same time, the two major CIC wine associations are fighting to represent the lucrative wine contract. The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) is disputing the legality of the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). ACCW claims an exclusive charter for foreign representation, while CICWA claims to represent the rights of foreign offshore products through the DOP program. This matter has been before the courts for years.

 

But the Jackson handlers never did due diligence. ACCW now claims that it can determine where the foreign content for newly established "Cellared in Canada" wines can come from, while CICWA claims that due to the Jackson US citizenship and state residence, that "Moonwalk" wine must come from California. Sources tell Grimsby that a Solomon court ruling will most likely mean that the 70% red wine component will be ACCW-derived, and can come from anywhere. The 70% white wine component will be CICWA-derived, and must come from California.

 

Legalists, who claim to gain the most from court costs, litigations, and resolutions, predict that this imbroglio will further decay the relationships among the Jackson Family, and lead to an all-out war between ACCW and CICWA in the "Cellared in Canada" wine campaign. Expect price reductions right across Canada, as "Moonwalk" attempts to take on the rest of the "Cellared in Canada" products.

 

Meanwhile, sources are keeping tight-lipped about the development of "Charlie's Winesluts", a new Cellared in Canada wine that was supposed to be backed by the late Farrah Fawcett, but seemed to get lost in the media shuffle-kerfuffle of Michael Jackson's "Moonwalk" Cellared in Canada wine.

 

More on this development as it happens…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com