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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$SS "NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL I GET, I CAN NEVER KEEP UP" (Lily Tomlin)

******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Master of Wine Writing Course -- from an Ontario agent's POV

 From an Ontario agent who sent this in...

 Master of Wine Writing for agents:


-how to recycle conference kit bags by donating them to auctions

-how to rewrite English as a second language descriptions on the back labels of wines

-how to ask wineries to send golf shirts and kitsch to give to the media

-how to describe wine to a woman in sexually provocative terms while gazing sincerely into her eyes without cracking a smile

-how to describe wine to a man in such a way that by the end of it he feels like his stock portfolio just increased

-how to disarm a persistent wine geek with heretofor unknown techniques in the vineyard that differentiate this wine from all others

-how to sidestep requests for helping people craft their entire month's journey to Tuscany (level two teaches how to avoid seeing the pictures upon their return)

-how to segregate media into different time slots at tastings so that clan fighting does not ensue

-how to display pens, notepads and other collectibles to attract media at a booth

-how to defer answering questions to the winemaker at trade shows so that the agent can find people who want to buy wine instead of pontificate about it

-how to fawn over the LCBO Head Office while stroking private buyers under the table

-how to keep the more obscure biodynamic rituals hushed for the purposes of driving people mad with curiosity

-how to buy your winery neighbours' grapes and make more wine in good vintages under your own label

-how to sell your winery neighbours the majority of your crop in poor harvests to bottle under their label

-how to source inexpensive branded novelty items to give to the media

-how to justify the 500 mile rule on distant sales tours

-how to give excess wine glasses to media and charity

-how to leverage allowing media to bring their dates to wine functions into good PR

-how to determine the exact point at which a wine should stay in the cellar or get donated to auction for the maximum charitable donation deduction


The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.




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