Validation of LCBO key to a successful future?

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, in conjunction with GOSH Wine News Services, has just learned that the LCBO, also known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is treating the recent re-election of Grate McGinty as the validation of its existence.

 

Sources close to the LCBO and to McGinty have been saying that the Corporation (formerly known as "the Board") is now going to start taking a stronger presence and employ press muscle in its search for more money to "give" to the province.

 

One of the first things it will do is lean on those wine critics who diss the Corporation's selection of wines and rate its wine inventories below 88. The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.

 

Said our source: "Every one of our wines is a winner. If it were not so, I would have told you. We have many rooms in our selling areas where we prepare fine wines for the masses. Why bother to speculate with a silly point system?"

 

The Corporation would continue to acknowledge single bottle faults and the like in wines, but in general, they are prepared to stonewall those critics who give low marks to the wines sold at the LCBO.

 

"They're taking money out of our pockets! Every low-rated review is a loss of sales and a loss of income to the coffers of this Great Province. The critics need to get on board during this time of economic recovery," said the Corporation.

 

The source continued, "We have ways to make them come around. We've also got some other ideas to discourage awarding low numbers. Just watch us."

 

More on this unhappy event and squashing of press privilege as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS -- RIM Blackberry to buy LCBO

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Breaking News from GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network –

 

GOSH has just learned that Jim Sillieballs, half-owner of RIM Blackberry, has decided to buy the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

It will no longer be controlled by The Grate McGinty. Instead, Sillieballs intends to move the LCBO (lock, stock and barrel, so to speak) to Waterloo, Ontario.

 

Word on the street is that Sillieballs paid over 10 billion dollars for the LCBO, in a deal which would see all inventory, warehousing and administrative offices be consolidated within the city of Waterloo.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

There is a loud rumour that Sillieballs' application for a brand of rye (to be called RIM Shots) was turned down because it was too blatantly branded to an existing product. In a fit of pique, he simply bought the LCBO as a deal condoned by The Grate McGinty, who claims that Ontario still retains the taxing structure and profits.

 

Apparently, the city of Waterloo has been on board for some time, and is delighted with the new industry and employment numbers. They expect several thousand employees to transfer to the city.

 

More on this story as it unfolds…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

On this Day in Wine History...

ON THIS DAY IN WINE HISTORY IN THE ALTERNATE BUT PARALLEL UNIVERSE --

 

A fill-in feature from GOSH Wine News Services..

 

On this day in 1927, the LCBO was founded on a bed of limestone, to encourage local grape production. But it was such a cash cow that the government abandoned its wine roots and ploughed the beer and spirit dollars into a make-work bureaucracy during the Great Depression.

 

On this day in 1999, the first animal-critter label was created. Significantly, it was a snake-in-the-grass and its contents were reviewed by prominent members of the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association as tasting like snake oil.

 

On this day in 1978, the first 100-point scale was used by Robert Parker, Jr. It was immediately stolen by many (but not all) publications around the world, although it was criticized as "inept" by those inept publications which had postponed their usage of points until later, jumping on the bandwagon after the horse had left the stable. For his efforts, Parker rates a 92, but he is maturing and in decline.

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS FLASH: The Onion to "align" with Foxy Wine News Network

NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!

 

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with the Canadian version of The Onion newspaper.

 

Originally, The Onion had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that The Onion had prior exclusive rights to satire and sarcasm in Canada. They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that The Onion is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, The Onion has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.

 

From November 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all Canadian vinous happenings for The Onion, and The Onion will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.

 

In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.

 

Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

LCBO to deconstruct under Whodat

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that Tom Whodat, the leader of the Official Opposition in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will seek to deconstruct the LCBO after he wins the election, by renaming it the "Limitless Conservation of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat".

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Policy advisors have suggested that international wine purchases will be de-emphasized while Ontario wines will greatly expand within the rubber walls of the new LCBO, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat.

 

But Ontario producers have already suggested that they may not have enough grape product for sale, and that the Ontario Government may have to dip into its copious stocks of fruit wines, which, until this moment, seem to have been neglected.

 

Other advisors have suggested that a good Scotch and soda is just the ticket for Ontario voters, and have put their money on brown spirits rather than wines.

 

More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com