Black Friday slams LCBO; sales result in mayhem...

Unabashedly borrowed from The Borowitz Report...

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine New Services) – The first-ever Black Friday liquor sale in Ontario has resulted in shambles.
 
In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, customers throughout Ontario visited the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty and jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes maiming each other to buy cheap wine and spirits.

"We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the
mend," said Prof. Andy Borowitz, chair of the Economics department at
the University of Toronto. "When people resort to homicide to buy
a sangiovese, that is very, very good news indeed."

Prof. Borowitz  said he was "impressed" by the lengths to which some  liquor customers were going to grab coveted sale items: "They're using tactics we usually associate with the Trawna police forces".

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Prof. Borowitz  advised Ontarians not to enter a liquor store unarmed.

"If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you'd better have a weapon," he said. "Fortunately, liquor stores are offering several great doorbusters on full bottles that are on sale just inside the entrance. Just pick one up…"

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty and other retailers' decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early on Thursday carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: "Now, Canadians will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier."

All in all, Prof. Borowitz said that the increased violence and mayhem at  liquor retail outlets across the province was a testament to the greatness of the  Canadian consumer....

More on this story as it plays out on Cyber Monday…Be prepared for the heaviest Internet frenzy ever as hackers and consumers square off against each other with e-weapons of doom…
 
Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Rogue Vineyards found in Niagara

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, proud home to over 4,000 viewers each working weeknight (more on unemployed weeknights), has learned that the Niagara Peninsula is using Google Earth to find rogue grape vineyards that don't have the proper permits.

 

Many of these vineyards are hidden away under the shelter of orchards. The town of Beamsville, for example, has used the satellite image service to find about 200 vineyards whose owners never filled out the required paperwork.

 

Such vineyards are extremely valuable; indeed, more valuable than the orchard canopies that they lurk under.

 

Violators were told to get the proper permits. So far about $65,000 in fees and penalties have been collected.

 

Agricultural inspectors said such vineyards were a taxing concern. Without the required inspections there was no way to know whether the vineyards were up to clonal standards.

 

"Consumers must be protected from scam grape varieties" said one inspector. "A Chardonnay musque must be a Chardonnay grape, not a Muscat. With hidden vineyards, any clonal selection can be suspect."

 

But some privacy advocates, such as those at Foxy Wine News Network and the GOSH Wine News Services, say the use of Google Earth to find scofflaw vineyards reeks of Big Brother and the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on these rogue vineyards as the situation develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2011 SPIFFY Award; now has a lock on it...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

 

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news.

 

SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace; it's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

 

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of Foxy Wine News Network and Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association stories about the former CellaredInCanada wines. His spoofs in this area for 2011 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the spoofs are based are real. Coverage had been given to the LCBO now selling wine in Ontario in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master of Wine Writing designation and courses, and the purchase of the LCBO by RIM.

 

The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) wine sub-series (incorporating SomewhereElse) and the Foxy Wine News Network series would have had higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issues. Nevertheless, the judges felt the two series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

 

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products and the Foxy Wine News Network could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).

 

"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as (the late) Little Fat Wino and (the still with us) Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino had been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."

 

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

 

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

PIIGS Fundraiser in Ontario

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, adored by over 4,000 watchers nightly in prime time, today learned that the WGAO, WCO, VQA, and the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association have come together to hold a fundraiser for the PIIGS countries in their time of need.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Essentially, the fundraiser (which has still to be approved by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Under the Thumb of The Grate McGinty) is in support of the poorer wineries and winemakers in those EU countries who are suffering within the Eurozone.

 

And the WGAO-WCO-VQA-CWHAFA consortium are also part of the enormous pressure being brought to bear on the LCBO to pay the PIIGS countries in a timely fashion for the wines that were imported to Ontario.

 

Details on the fundraiser are few, but it is believed to incorporate a baked goods sale, a silent auction of rare wines from non-PIIGS countries, a tent with a BBQ and 40 chefs promoting their tapas, and wines poured by Fruit Wineries of Ontario.

 

In view of the upcoming "European Autumn", a riff on the Arab Spring, the fundraiser needs to be done sooner rather than later, but organizers fear that government red tape may slow down the event.

 

Expediency is the order of the day, for any delay brings the PIIGS wineries closer to fiscal disasters, with the resultant drop in prices that can only injure local wine sales in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).

 

More on this impending disaster as it happens…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com