New wine series (Cleopatra's Nose) at LCBO...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has today learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, will be unleashing a new line of wines.

 

The Ministry of Remaining Resources*, to which the LCBO reports, will announce later today the Cleopatra's Nose varietal series of Ontario autochthonous wines. These are virtual history wines made in honour of the changing landscape of the great decisions of history. They are supposed to answer the question: what if Cleopatra's nose was shorter? What if Laura Secord tipped over her milking stool and started a fire instead of walking through the forest? What if Sir John A. Macdonald had stopped drinking? What if the Prohibition had never come to Ontario? What if VQA never existed? What if Inniskillin had bought Brights? There are many of these decisive moments and they must be celebrated, said the Minister of Remaining Resources.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Grimsby reports: "The feeling within the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is that more money should be extracted from the populace. It is for their good (health, education and welfare) anyway. Now there's a chance, say the vintners and growers of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to use up all our scraps of experimental hybrid grapes that we've labelled autochthonous (indigenous). We can promote this as Cleopatra's Nose concept of virtual history.

 

"The nay-sayers in the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, don't want to see any historical changes or speculations. They do not believe in "what if". But the populace would like a chance to dream of a better life, and if they could change history, then polls show that they would. Cleopatra's Nose wines will help them dream on, be an opiate so to speak. The ABV alone, 15%, should help them achieve this."

 

More on this story after the announcement…

 

* I owe this phrase to puppetmaster Ronnie Burkett.

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Infused Twinkies Come to Ontario

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has learned today that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is poised to make a serious announcement at a Press Conference tomorrow.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this serious story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next day, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Grimsby tells Fox that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario has purchased the rights from Hostess, the now twice-bankrupt food company, to continue the manufacture of Twinkies.

 

Grimsby goes on: "Our sources tell us that this version of Twinkies will be wine-soaked and available as a POS purchase by the cash register. The LCBO, in collusion with the Wine Council and Drinks Ontario, has forged a relationship with several international and domestic wineries to custom craft a delicious blend of wines. There will be a red wine and a white wine version. The LCBO Lab is working on a sparkling version for ceremonial events such as birthdays and holidays. The domestic sherry version will be available to the usual rubbies."

 

All of this will be announced sometime tomorrow after the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, comes up with a pricing formula. At the presser, there will be a distribution of recipes -- and samples -- for tiramisu, apple charlotte, and trifle. These will later be found at the checkout cashier, minus the samples.

 

And in line with Twinkies' history, the wine-soaked versions will have a permanent shelf life....

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

Cohn: LCBO's pricing policy doesn't add up - thestar.com

I just cannot make up this stuff...It occurs naturally..

 

http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1113015--cohn-lcbo-s-pricing-policy-doesn-t-add-up?bn=1

Ontario's alcohol bottle deposit system expands to South East Asia?

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just under 4,000 people every weeknight, has just learned that forensic accountants have been busy poring over the "recycle" books.

 

There have been loud rumours for some time that many of the bottles returned for their deposit fees have later gone missing. Apparently, the priority model for recycling is first to "reuse", and the rules have been diligently followed.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

The word on the street that has filtered to our reporters is that certain key empty bottles of wine, for example some French chateaux bottles or boutique cult California bottles, seem to have made their way over to South East Asia, principally to the emerging wine countries of Vietnam and Cambodia.

 

Cartons have been seen loaded into containers for shipment to the West Coast and then sent further east by cargo freighters. The suspicion is that these bottles are being re-filled in Asia with native brew and then passed off as Bordeaux or Napa wines – according to whatever the "recycled" label states. There have already been loud rumours that this is what had been happening with used Ontario VQA Icewine bottles.

 

Said a government spokesperson, "All we know is that we got a reasonable request for specific types of recyclable bottles, for which we were being paid a premium. It was another source of revenue-generation for the Good People of Ontario. It was all laid out in the letter of agreement sent to us by a Mr. Cosmo Kramer. As of the end of the year, we were still honouring that letter, and we were still being paid. We'll get a windfall from the Christmas and New Year bottle returns.

 

He went on, "At least they didn't ask for a reciprocal purchase and shelf listing for snake wine."

 

Meanwhile, Foxy Wine News Network is still awaiting the forensic report…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com