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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

New wine series (Cleopatra's Nose) at LCBO...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has today learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, will be unleashing a new line of wines.


The Ministry of Remaining Resources*, to which the LCBO reports, will announce later today the Cleopatra's Nose varietal series of Ontario autochthonous wines. These are virtual history wines made in honour of the changing landscape of the great decisions of history. They are supposed to answer the question: what if Cleopatra's nose was shorter? What if Laura Secord tipped over her milking stool and started a fire instead of walking through the forest? What if Sir John A. Macdonald had stopped drinking? What if the Prohibition had never come to Ontario? What if VQA never existed? What if Inniskillin had bought Brights? There are many of these decisive moments and they must be celebrated, said the Minister of Remaining Resources.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


Grimsby reports: "The feeling within the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is that more money should be extracted from the populace. It is for their good (health, education and welfare) anyway. Now there's a chance, say the vintners and growers of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to use up all our scraps of experimental hybrid grapes that we've labelled autochthonous (indigenous). We can promote this as Cleopatra's Nose concept of virtual history.


"The nay-sayers in the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, don't want to see any historical changes or speculations. They do not believe in "what if". But the populace would like a chance to dream of a better life, and if they could change history, then polls show that they would. Cleopatra's Nose wines will help them dream on, be an opiate so to speak. The ABV alone, 15%, should help them achieve this."


More on this story after the announcement…


* I owe this phrase to puppetmaster Ronnie Burkett.

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