VIAGRA FAILS – (GOSH News Services) – Scientists at Vineland Research Station today announced that they have isolated the Canadian Zombie gene.
This DNA product, responsible for so many Canadian somnolent activities, will begin to be available for genetically-modified grapes in an attempt to calm down the hot – the very hot – "Cellared in Canada" wine program.
To quote Harley Crusted, owner of the vast Pandemic ("we source grapes from everywhere") Winery: "This is a boon to the Ontario wine industry. With this GM grape, we can not only solve the woes of the Canadian auto industry, but we can further stretch our supplies of the "Cellared in Canada" program. As I understand it, the zombie gene will only be spliced into those grapes that we use for this program. We won't dicker with the VQA grapes – they're our bread and butter and cannot be staked. The zombie has eluded us for many vintages, but at last it is within our grasp!"
When asked to explain why the gene was developed, a senior government administrative researcher, who did not want to be named because s/he was a source too familiar with the activities, said:
"Well, we thought that the "Cellared in Canada" wine program was setting the country on edge, creating a bit of a buzz and ADD. After all, in certain years, these wines can be 99% by volume from a hot Latin country, and that can lead to all kinds of crazy things. You know how stirred up those revolutionaries can be. The wine appeared to be making people sit up and take notice of their surroundings. We thought it was time to calm things down a little, to placate the people, to return them to responsible citizenship. The Canadian zombie gene, unique to this country, is the appropriate carrier in returning citizens to sensibilities and responsibilities."
An accelerated production program with more vineyard workers means that this gene can be spliced in time for the 2009 harvest. Ironically, this will now mean full employment for Canadian zombies…
More on this story after Hallowe'en…
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