BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO, AND FIREARMS --
REPORT #2010-17: AN INVESTIGATION INTO THE WINE INDUSTRY
DEFINITIONS:
Fully automatic - a bottle designed to be emptied at one sitting without
reclosing (also known as "cork-closure")
Semi-automatic - a bottle designed to be reclosed and poured
again (also known as "screw-top")
Assault bottle - a fully automatic high-capacity bottle
(street slang: "jug" or "magnum")
Hand bottle - a small, easily-concealed bottle, flask, or horn
Saturday Night Special - an inexpensive wine with high alcohol
content (such as Mad Dog 20-20)
THE NRA:
Wine devotees have created the NRA (National Riesling Association) to
present a respectable public facade, as well as to peddle influence
(known in the trade as "juice") to government officials. Controlled by
sinister French, Italian, and Californian families and their hirelings,
the NRA
tries to suppress all reasonable efforts to regulate the wine industry.
They operate covert production facilities in such locations as the
light-
tight basements of private wineries, also known as "caves", where public
scrutiny can easily be avoided.
Through the lavish distribution and use of their "juice", many
celebrities
and public officials have been co-opted into NRA participation. The
activities of such fellow-travellers as Wilbur Mills, Dean Martin and
Dudley Moore are well-documented, and need no elaboration here. Orson
Welles, before his untimely death from overindulgence in strenuous NRA
training, dared to suggest that wine consumption was part of a healthy,
quality lifestyle. Senator Ted Kennedy had been known, on numerous
occasions, to engage in pro-wine activities, ultimately leading to
clothing-optional activities. Charlton Heston was another involved
personality.
WINE MILITIAS:
Extremist NRA members join wine militia cells, often referred to as
"tasting groups". Camouflaged in Birkenstocks and Polo shirts, they
engage
in clandestine night-time and weekend maneuvers they innocently call
"horizontals" and "verticals". Militia members have also been observed
purchasing unregistered bottles (usually by the dozen, or "case") from
vendors of dubious repute around the globe, and shipping them illegaly
and
clandestinely across governmental jurisdictions disguised as "olive oil"
or "auto parts". They unabashedly perform these deeds in full view of
their children, who eventually learn to accept this deviant behavior as
normal.
At various times, wine militias have exploited the labor of repressed
people in such countries as Chile, Bulgaria, Slovenia and South Africa
in
order to satiate the palates of their oppressors.
Some well-to-do wine militia members possess extensive arsenals that
they
could not possibly consume themselves. They conceal these arsenals in
vast, underground temperature and humidity-controlled bunkers called
"wine
cellars", to which they repair with other militia members for lengthy
periods of time during which they admire, fondle, sort, and wax poetic
at
interminable length about their "collections". They baldly maintain
these
outsize "collections" are solely for personal "recreational" use.
The most radical militia members practice a frightening survivalist
creed known as "home winemaking". Assaulting governmental authority,
these sociopaths manufacture unsophisticated but powerful wines from
easily-obtained, unregulated ingredients such as Concord grapes
purchased
at the local grocery store or grown on their own private property. Their
goal is to inflict their wines on innocent members of the public; given
the
potential for mayhem this can cause, confrontation with these ultra-
extrmists is to be avoided at all costs. Their products are routinely
condemned even by more mainstream NRA members.
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT DAVIS
This is a primary indoctrination and training center for the NRA.
Unsuspecting youths, ostensibly enrolling to obtain what is
euphemistically
termed a "higher education", quickly absorb the ideology of their elders
and new masters.
From Davis, zombie-like "graduates" spread fifth-column messages across
the
country, encoded in shibboleths with such strange appelations as the
now-
unmasked and discredited "AxR 1 rootstock" cipher and "micropore filter"
dogma. There's a reason why a glassy-winged insect is called
"sharpshooter".
Of particular note, one Doctor Noble (we believe this to be an blatantly
assumed aristocratic pseudonym) has contrived a brightly-colored wheel-
shaped plastic plaything to lure ever-younger children into her minions
through the expedient of likening the unpleasantly alcoholic olfactory
sensations of wine to familiar, everyday smells.
LINKS TO ORGANIZED CRIME AND HATE GROUPS
Wine militias have shadowy links with many other underground
organizations.
Among the most blatant examples:
*Chianti is routinely consumed by the "button men" of Sicilian crime
families, who also engage in extortion, gambling, prostitution, drug-
dealing and assassination. The upper echelons of these same families
are
reported to prefer regular consumption of nebbiolo-based products
over the local primitivos and negro d'amaros.
*The Aryan nation and many skinhead groups are known to drink cheap wine
and other potent alcoholic beverages before engaging in hate crimes.
*Reliable informants have also observed virulently anti-Arab sects using
vast quantities of wine in secret rituals masquerading as religious
ceremonies. Mogen David, which reputedly contains more alcohol per
dollar than any other wine, figures prominently in this subculture.
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PROPOSED LEGISLATION
- Hold vineyards responsible for all crimes and losses caused by
persons consuming the wines they originate
- 5-day waiting period and background check for all wine purchases
- Registration of all hand bottles
- Ban manufacture and importation of assault bottles for civilian use
(Magnums would still be available to law enforcement agencies)
- Ban assault bottle "look-alikes" (such as sparkling cider and near
beer)
- Ban mechanical uncorking devices, which allow fully automatic pouring
and have no legitimate sporting purpose
- Ban Saturday night specials (i.e. Mad Dog 20-20, Thunderbird)
- Ban arsenals of more than 10 bottles
- Design all bottles to dispense no more than 2 oz. per pour; the bottle
would have to be raised to dispense another portion
- State-operated wine armories would store bottles for individuals until
they are ready to consume them. Wine tasters would then surrender
their
drivers licenses until the empty bottle is returned and a satisfactory
blood alcohol check is performed.
WINE SAFETY EDUCATION POINTERS
Always keep wine locked in a wine jail when not in use
Always store corkscrews separately from bottles
Keep your finger off the corkscrew lever until ready to open
Always aim a bottle in a safe direction (applicable to sparkling wines)
Always treat every bottle as loaded
Always treat every wine taster as loaded
SUBVERSIVE SLOGANS ON BUMPER STICKERS SOLD AT WINE EVENTS
Wine doesn't kill people - people kill people
I'd rather be drinking!
Bottle on Board
I have an honor student at the Cape Wine Academy
Driver only carries $50 worth of cabernet
This car stops for all wine sales!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Crime control -- not wine control
Wine tasters do it with their tongues
I'm pro-wine and I vote!
I love my wine, but I fear my government
I'll give up my Dominus when they pry it from my cold, dying hand
Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com
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