So how bad is the wine economy?

The hospitality sector in these economic downturn days is in terrible shape. So, how bad is the wine economy?

 

It's so bad – that winetasters never spit anymore, they swallow for the extra calories they need to live on…

 

It's so bad – that diners never tip anymore, they just lean.

 

It's so bad – that I just saw Robert Parker quaffing a glass of FuZion.

 

It's so bad – that wine trade and consumer shows will now only offer bread and water as the food component.

 

It's so bad – that OIWSBA, the wine importers association, is now representing Ontario wines.

 

It's so bad – that the LCBO is now closing on both Saturdays and Sundays, to save on overtime.

 

It's so bad – that VQA is now offering a Cellared in Ontario product, at 70% VQA and 30% other Ontario wines.

 

It's so bad – that stone fruit wines are being made from only the stones. They're the pits, but they are drinkable.

 

It's so bad – that Esprit is offering the public $1.25 to buy its wines.

 

It's so bad – that left-handed wine writers have been laid off.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Team Esprit VQA and Team Esprit CIC to meet in Hockey Grudge Match

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Service) – With the "on-again off-again" feeling of OIWSBA-LCBO Hockey Teams playing in support of the Woman's Olympic Hockey Team, it appears that Vincor, A Constellation Company, has taken up the challenge.

 

Vincor, A Constellation Company, has mounted two hockey teams, drawn mostly from their own large staff with support from the Ontario Viniculture Association and the Wine Bloggers Group. Also included in the mix are some LCBO hockey fans and some NHL "alumni" (principally from the Enforcer personnel category). The women hockey players, who had initially signed up for the original hockey series, have bowed out of this killer assignment, preferring to deal with Colio's "Girls Night Out" line of VQA wines.

 

Team Esprit CIC, which favours imported wines, will be coached by Scott "The Hammer" Montgomery, the Southern semi-demi-hemispheric kind of guy. He will be assisted by the Jamaican bobsleigh team which had sought refuge in Calgary.

 

The other team -- Team Esprit VQA, which favours properly regulated Ontario wine -- will be coached by Bruce "The Fugitive" Walker. Walker has had extensive West Coast experience and is well-situated to be a national factor. He is to be ably assisted in the VQA task by Edwin "Dubai" Sokoloff from the legendary Churchill Cellars hit squad.

 

The game will be played outdoors (weather permitting) on Friday May 1, at the High Park Rink. Refreshments will be offered by Gothic Epicures, supported by the industry. Admission is $20 in support of the Woman's Olympic Hockey Team. Spectators are encouraged to drink Vincor, A Constellation Company, products, and to vote for both their fave VQA and CIC tipple. The results of the vote will be announced between the second and third periods.

 

More on this event (including registration and ticket pricing details) at the OIWSBA website…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Vincor fuels Olympic Torch with alcohol from distilled CIC wine

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a brilliant public relations move, the Vincor Jackson-Triggs Esprit ("Wine of the Canadian Winter Olympics 2010") Cellared in Canada (CIC) wine has moved on. The original CIC wine has been replaced by VQA wine, more fitting for the Canadian people since it is a wine actually made in Canada.

 

As a reaction to the media outcry, the Esprit CIC wine label and positioning has become an Esprit VQA wine. But there still remains the vast sea of Esprit CIC which, of course, will not be for sale.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

GOSH Wine News Services has learned that Vincor will be reducing Esprit CIC to ethyl alcohol and, in a move sure to please all Olympians everywhere, using this as fuel for the Olympic Torch. The old burn time was 12 to 15 minutes, but by replacing the hydrocarbon blend of propane and isobutene, the new burn time has been increased to over 30 minutes.

 

Bombardier, the torch designer, drew inspiration from Canada's vast open storage of CIC wines. The smooth, fluid lines of the wines will be perpetuated in the torch, and CIC wines will thus visit places all over Canada via the Olympic Torch. It is guaranteed to never blow out. The tank is pressurized by nitrogen to 150 psi to keep a constant flow going – whatever the temperature is outside the casing.

 

And if the torch bearer should get tired, he or she (must be over 19) can easily quaff a dram or two from the "escape hatch".

 

A Vincor representative said: "This is a win-win situation. The Good People of Canada get to consume copious quantities of great VQA wine, we get to get rid of useless CIC product, and we donate fuel to the Olympic Torch. This is considered to be part of our vinous contribution to the Winter Olympics. In fact, our accountants are busy figuring out the burn rate of our contribution of $1.25 a wine bottle vis-à-vis ethyl alcohol from the scrubbed wines."

 

More on this story, including the effects on Vincor's carbon footprint, as it develops...stay tuned.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Apologies Act Bill 159

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Following on the dramatic passage of the LCBO anti-spoof legislation in Ontario, the Apology Act (Bill 159) seems to have provoked an outpouring of apologies in the wine world amongst persons and corporations.

 

"Apology", according to the new Ontario act, means an expression of sympathy or regret, a statement that one is sorry or any other words or actions indicating contrition or commiseration, whether or not the words or actions admit or imply an admission of fault in connection with the matter to which the words or actions relate.

 

It is not to be used as an excuse – that's a "pardon".

 

Nevertheless, top executives and spokespersons are busy crafting statements of apology, from the larger firms of Vincor, A Constellation Company, through the smaller mid-sized Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Crown Corporation, through the smaller wineries and even to writers and bloggers and other general pests in the wine world.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

But here is what we do know MIGHT be happening soon:

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for price gouging over the years. It won't happen again, say government officials – ever. Until the next time.

 

- Larry Paterson, known as Little Fat Wino, wishes to apologize to Tom Littlefatwino for mis-using his name, even though Paterson had the name under license.

 

- Dean Tudor wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario for not producing enough hard-hitting articles; he will try to be more vehement in the future.

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for reduced product selection over the years. It won't happen again, say government officials. Until the next time.

 

- Michael Pinkus wishes to apologize for his articles on CIC or "Cellared in Canada" wines. As a nationalist, he actually loves Canadian wines. But he thought that CIC meant "Cellared in China".

 

- Vincor, A Constellation Company, wishes to apologize for creating two wines with the same label: the Esprit VQA and the non-VQA Esprit. It won't happen again, say company officials. Until the next time.

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for underpublicizing Ontario wines over the years. It'll never happen again, say government officials. Until the next time.

 

- The Ontario Vinicultural Association wishes to apologize for its existence. Said a spokesperson, "Sadly, we wish we really didn't have to be here. In a more perfect world of great Ontario wines at reasonable cost and availability, there should be no need for our existence."

 

- The Wine Council of Ontario wishes to apologize for "Cellared in Canada" pseudo-wines. Yada, yada, yada...

 

- The Ontario Importers of Wines, Beers and Spirits Association wishes to apologize for its lack of hockey expertise. 

 

- The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, wishes to apologize to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, for lobbying the Grate McGinty government to pass the April Fool anti-spoof legislation. It's a blow against free speech everywhere. It will never happen again. Until next time.

 

 

 

More apologies as they happen…stand by…until next time...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Dean Tudor to Abide by Ontario's April Fool LCBO law

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, April First, 2009, Dean Tudor issued a statement through his lawyers saying that he would abide by the laws of Ontario, and NOT issue a spoof about the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province. He's following the lead of Mike Mandel, who was the first to abide by the threat and to publicly renounce his writings. [Shame on you, Mandel]

 

He said: "There are plenty of other targets out there, so I'll just lay off with the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, to comply with the law. I don't want to go to jail, I don't want to have to drink only Cellared In Canada wines in jail, or pay a fine. I live on a pension. I'm a pretty decent chap. At least my wife thinks so."

 

"Besides, I've just spent a hefty sum as a premium for insuring my nose for $10 million with Lloyd's of London, against a loss of smell. I need to use my nose to dig up dirt, along with my top reporter Brett Grimsby and my collective unnamed sources Miffed Mole."

 

"And -- this is not too widely known -- I am dying from wood poisoning, with too many oak chips in my liver. I am now forced, by my doctors, to taste and drink only wines that were made in stainless steel.

 

"My team will be investigating the stainless steel industry – we hear rumours that there are wood chips floating about. Our sources reveal that there are dramatic differences in textures between German stainless steel and Italian stainless steel. It'll be out in a future story. So I need to take time to recuperate and pay off my investment in the insurance policy.

 

"But I also need to take a cheap shot from time to time: most readers can't accept that we scribes might write something that we don't actually believe in, no matter what the topic. The idea of pulling your leg, having a laugh, being light-hearted or just provocative simply doesn't register with many bureaucrats. For the Grate McGuinty government to pass this April First legislation on behalf of the LCBO, A Crown etc., is shameful. I have no contrition whatsoever. . .

 

 

Memorial arrangements to be made soon. . .stand by for further developments as they happen. . .just watch me. . .

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com