GOSH: The STRETCH water component Media Conference, August 2010

REAL NEWS: From the Content and Labelling of Wine Ontario Regulation 659/00 (O. Reg. 659/00) Section 2, subsection (3) --"If a winery meets or exceeds the minimum requirements set out in subsection (2), (2.1) or (2.2), the winery may add water to the grapes from which the balance of the wine is derived as long as the volume of the balance of the wine as measured on November 30 in the year the wine is manufactured is no more than 902 litres per one tonne of grapes. O. Reg. 659/00, s. 2 (3); O. Reg. 382/03, s. 1 (2); O. Reg. 515/05, s. 1 (2)."

 

This is known as the "stretch water component" in CellaredinCanada™ wines. It does not exist in Freggie™. A lot of water can be added to CellaredinCanada(TM) wines.

 

For some unknown reason, NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Not winery people, not politicians, not reporters…

 

N--O--B--O--D—-Y...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY

 

Until today...Read on:

 

 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- At a Media Conference called for this morning by Ontario's Premier, The Grate McGinty, the following exchange happened. It was recorded by writer Stuart Wade (our apologies for rewriting his masterpiece).

 

A dozen REPORTERS crowded into the cramped space. At the rear of the media horde were several television cameras, with TV lights shining across to illuminate McGinty, Premier of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, who stood behind a microphone-strewn lectern to address the group.

 

Premier Grate McGinty: "We all know that there's a specific piece of information in question here. And with regard to it, let me first state that I know you all would like for me to say what we all think I'm coming before you to say. I would like to make it very clear, however, that I do not intend to say it. In addition, I will neither confirm nor deny it. So now that we all understand each other, are there any questions?"

 

Brett Grimsby of GOSH Wine News Services: "Will you say what we want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "Not exactly as you would have me say it. [pointed to Little Fat Wino] Yes -- over there?"

 

LFW: "Is the thing we all want you to say, in fact, true?"

 

McGinty: "I'm not saying whether it is or it isn't. It would be premature to judge that."

 

Grimsby: "A supplemental: since you're not saying the precise thing we all want you to say, will you say it, but in a slightly different way?"

 

McGinty: "You mean in a way that would have the same meaning as the way you would all want me to say it?"

 

Grimsby: "That is correct."

 

McGinty: "I'm not prepared at this time to do that. [made eye contact with the Ontario Wine Review Head Writer] Yes?"

 

OWRHW: "If you won't say what we all would like you to say, or if you won't say it in a slightly different way, will you at least say one or a couple of parts of what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "If there is a situation where that would become prudent for me to say part or parts of what you all want me to say, I would, yes. But now is not the time."

 

Grimsby: "When will it be time?"

 

McGinty: "I don't know the answer to that. I want to add something at this point, before we continue. There are some people involved behind the scenes with this thing who deserve to be recognized for all their hard work. This thing has been a team effort all the way, and thanks to them, a real win-win situation as well. [pointed to LFW] Yes, go ahead."

 

LFW: "This information that we all want you to disclose -- might one of us be able to trick you into divulging what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "If I am slow-witted at that moment, or if I'm not being too careful in choosing my words right then, and if one of you people displays extremely shrewd questioning skills, then yes, it is possible. Of course, I may even flip-flop as I have done in the past, so don't take me at my word. [eyes shielded from the glare of the lights] Yes -- all the way in the back there...you, Miss."

 

Woman: "I think I know the information we all want you to say but that you aren't saying, and here it is [she says something inaudible about water, maybe she needs a glass of water?]. Isn't that right?"

 

McGinty: [angrily reaching for a glass of water, holding it up] "Do you expect me to answer that? Next question."

 

Grimsby: "When can we expect you to say what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty:  "Relatively soon."

 

LFW: "Can you be more specific?"

 

McGinty: "Well, we are expediting this process so I would imagine sooner than you might think, but I don't want to mislead any of you as to exactly when. The Cabinet is fine tuning the regulations. Yes, you in front…"                        

                                     

GOSH Wine CEO: "I heard some experts giving their opinions about the information we all want you to say. Can you respond to these expert comments?"

 

McGinty: "Well, I can't speculate on others' comments. And, I'm not an expert. [looked up to media who are twittering] I have time for one more question. In the middle there, yes -- you sir?" [pointed to bearded man standing in center of group].

 

Beard: "Does the fact that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, I mean, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, may be up for sale have any effect on this matter of the stretch water component?"

 

Having said the magic words, "stretch water component" – which N-O-B-0-D-Y NOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY wanted to talk about, the beard is quickly Tasered by the OPP and brought down. The media conference immediately dissolves into chaos.

 

More on this interesting development as soon as people talk...Say the secret word, and win a case of Freggie(TM)...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com