GOSH/Foxy announces another successful year

TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - The GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy
Wine News Network completes yet another stunning and successful year in
promoting the alcohol business in Ontario, in co-operation with the Liberal
Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of
A Have-Not Province Run by The Grate McGinty. Our shareholders are extremely
happy.

What did we accomplish this year? In yet another stunning upset, GOSH Wine
News Services had swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards for bold
and beautiful false and fake news

Breaking stories appeared on the Foxy Wine News Network and the Canadian
Wine Hacks and Flacks Association -- stories about the former
CellaredInCanada wines, for example. Our spoofs and parodies for 2011
totalled about 50, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most
penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the
spoofs are based are real.

Top investigative journalism led to coverage of the LCBO now selling
wine at their Ontario stores in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine
scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master
of Wine Writing designation and MWW courses, and the purchase of the LCBO by
RIM.

More recently, GOSH and Foxy uncovered the Robert M. Parker Jr.
Retirement and Farewell Tour, the LCBO being slammed by Black Friday sales,
finding rogue vineyards in Niagara, the PIIGS Bake Sale and Fundraiser in
Ontario, and announcing the signing of the provinvial auditor as a freelance
writer for GOSH.

All stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet
http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an
empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and
Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in
Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

PS: Don't forget the Christmas and Holiday shows at Foxy Wine News
Network -- "Snag It, Bag It, and Tag It" (guide to cheap Christmas wines),
"Mulled Wine Escapades", "LCBO Eggnog Special Competition", "Durham
Warehouse Christmas Show" (live), and "Bubbles, Not-the-Charmat Express
Hour".

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Robert M. Parker Jr. to retire to Farewell Tour

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, leader to just under 4,000 devoted watchers each weeknight, has just learned that Robert M. Parker, Jr., plans to leave the safety of his Monkton, Maryland, estate for an extensive bout of travel around the world, a sort of Farewell Tour.

 

Parker issued this statement: "Now that I'd got a stable of writers polishing wine notes for The Wine Advocate, plus control over my books, I can coast and do what I've always wanted to do – attend wine trade shows, go to fantastic media dinners, travel on familiarization media tours, get paid to write complimentary wine reviews, and other assorted benefits."

 

Parker noted that he will be 65 in 2012, and will just love his retirement. "My health is fabulous," he said, "I've never been better."

 

Then he unleashed a bombshell: "2012 is also the Thirtieth Anniversary of the fabulous 1982 Bordeaux vintage, the one I put on the map and thus have slain all the other wine critics. I can now reveal that it was deliberate. It was because of my extra-terrestrial superpowers"

 

"So, in 2012, after the Tour, I'll bid Earth a final farewell. I will embark on a long voyage back to my planet of origin. By that time, my work here will be done. You know, it is ironic that I'm an alien, but I have been on Earth legally all this time – just check with my accountant. No fences for me."

 

More on this astounding tale as the Farewell Tour proceeds…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

New FauxVoixVinCuisine writer tells all about wholesale-retail wine pricing

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 viewers on a nightly basis, is proud to announce its latest wine writer: government auditor Jim MacCarter. Truth is stranger than fiction: You simply cannot write this kind of parody/spoof…

 

He files this story from Queens Park--

 

"Recently I tabled my annual report with the Ontario Legislature, which (with the consent of the Grate McGinty) runs the Have-Not Province of Ontario. One of my highlights was noting that the alcohol wholesale pricing structure meant that wine, spirits, and beer cost more than necessary and that the monopoly makes lower profits than it could.

 

"In effect, I'm taking the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, to task for purchasing policies and pricing structures that mean booze is too expensive yet revenues are not maximized.

 

"A Wal-Mart would certainly go back to their supplier and say: 'Would you sell it to us cheaper?' We think a lot of suppliers would sell it to us cheaper, basically to get that shelf listing. The provincial monopoly is one of the biggest alcohol retailers in the world.

 

"Nobody else has that buying clout. The purchasing differs from private-sector retailers, which try to find the lowest wholesale prices. Instead, the Board focuses on the retail price it wants to charge for a product. Suppliers then work backwards and, at the Board's request, will raise or lower the wholesale cost of the product to fit within the company's price structure."

 

Apparently, The Grate McGinty's Finance Minister agrees. The Treasurer added that the Board's pricing polices are "counter-intuitive."

 

Stay on board for this one, folks -- it's compelling…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network announces Christmas Holiday shows

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by just over 4,000 viewers on a weeknight (fewer on the weekend), today announced its Christmas Holiday television line-up.

 

On Monday, December 12, at 9 PM (after the kiddies have gone to bed) enjoy "Snag It, Bag It and Tag It" – a guide to every cheap wine offered by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. It's a two hour show, with about an hour for red wines and an hour for whites and roses. It is the same sort of deal as offered by the Board's "Brood & Think" magazine, that is, the entire shot is paid for by underachieving wine agents who must make ends meet in this age of The Scrooge. Repeats endlessly after every midnight during the rest of December, until noon the next day.

 

On Tuesday, December 13, at 9 PM, enjoy "Mulled Wine Escapades", the adventures of a would-be Santa who decided to arrive EARLY on December 23 and cause havoc with the dispensing of toys and favours. He becomes the victim of accepting too much mulled wine and has chills and spills on his sleigh route, led by a really red-nosed Rudolph with clove-nutmeg-cinnamon breath. Again, not one for the kiddies. Repeats every Tuesday until Christmas.

 

On Wednesday, December 14, again at 9 PM, watch the "LCBO EggNog Special" – store managers decide to compete against each other in the creation of their own locally flavoured eggnog concoctions. Watch out for the Greek neighbourhood versions. Recipes furnished upon request, provided suitable ID and passport photo is submitted. Repeats every Wednesday. This show will be broadcast LIVE: you must be of drinking age in order to enter the studio.

 

On Thursday, December 15, at 8 PM (note: one hour earlier than the other shows) – "The Durham Warehouse at Christmas". Watch how fork lift operators compete with each other in the stacking of thousands of cases of wines, beers, and spirits. This is one the kids will enjoy since it is always fun to see cartons get smashed in attempts to stack SKUs. Repeats every night at 8 PM until they get it right.

 

On Friday, December 16, at 9 PM, we'll have "The Consignment Warehouse Christmas Show" where the wine agents go virtual and decide to sell their wines in time for Christmas. Competition is fierce, but will the ladies' teams win again this year as they strive for a Three-Peat? Find out, but after the kids go to bed. Again, this reality show will be LIVE, but repeated endlessly on Foxy Wine News Network.

 

Then, on Saturday, December 17, at 11 PM, in the beginning of the run up to Christmas and New Year's, Foxy Wine News Network will have "Bubbles", a reality show which will be selling Champagnes with sex appeal. Details are being kept under wraps, but will be revealed as we draw closer to the time of the show. All we can say is this is where Bubbles meets Brandy, and the fur will be flying. Repeats on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve at 11 PM, and then it fizzles out.

 

On Sunday, December 18, at noon – equal time will be given on the "Charmat Express Hour" to those loser non-Champagne sparkling wines.

 

Foxy hopes you enjoy all these shows. Keep informed.

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Black Friday slams LCBO; sales result in mayhem...

Unabashedly borrowed from The Borowitz Report...

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine New Services) – The first-ever Black Friday liquor sale in Ontario has resulted in shambles.
 
In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, customers throughout Ontario visited the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty and jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes maiming each other to buy cheap wine and spirits.

"We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the
mend," said Prof. Andy Borowitz, chair of the Economics department at
the University of Toronto. "When people resort to homicide to buy
a sangiovese, that is very, very good news indeed."

Prof. Borowitz  said he was "impressed" by the lengths to which some  liquor customers were going to grab coveted sale items: "They're using tactics we usually associate with the Trawna police forces".

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Prof. Borowitz  advised Ontarians not to enter a liquor store unarmed.

"If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you'd better have a weapon," he said. "Fortunately, liquor stores are offering several great doorbusters on full bottles that are on sale just inside the entrance. Just pick one up…"

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty and other retailers' decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early on Thursday carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: "Now, Canadians will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier."

All in all, Prof. Borowitz said that the increased violence and mayhem at  liquor retail outlets across the province was a testament to the greatness of the  Canadian consumer....

More on this story as it plays out on Cyber Monday…Be prepared for the heaviest Internet frenzy ever as hackers and consumers square off against each other with e-weapons of doom…
 
Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Rogue Vineyards found in Niagara

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, proud home to over 4,000 viewers each working weeknight (more on unemployed weeknights), has learned that the Niagara Peninsula is using Google Earth to find rogue grape vineyards that don't have the proper permits.

 

Many of these vineyards are hidden away under the shelter of orchards. The town of Beamsville, for example, has used the satellite image service to find about 200 vineyards whose owners never filled out the required paperwork.

 

Such vineyards are extremely valuable; indeed, more valuable than the orchard canopies that they lurk under.

 

Violators were told to get the proper permits. So far about $65,000 in fees and penalties have been collected.

 

Agricultural inspectors said such vineyards were a taxing concern. Without the required inspections there was no way to know whether the vineyards were up to clonal standards.

 

"Consumers must be protected from scam grape varieties" said one inspector. "A Chardonnay musque must be a Chardonnay grape, not a Muscat. With hidden vineyards, any clonal selection can be suspect."

 

But some privacy advocates, such as those at Foxy Wine News Network and the GOSH Wine News Services, say the use of Google Earth to find scofflaw vineyards reeks of Big Brother and the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on these rogue vineyards as the situation develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2011 SPIFFY Award; now has a lock on it...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2011 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

 

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news.

 

SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace; it's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

 

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of Foxy Wine News Network and Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association stories about the former CellaredInCanada wines. His spoofs in this area for 2011 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issues on which the spoofs are based are real. Coverage had been given to the LCBO now selling wine in Ontario in Euros, Robert Parker changing his wine scoring system, exclusive sales of wine in Ontario via Twitter, the Master of Wine Writing designation and courses, and the purchase of the LCBO by RIM.

 

The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) wine sub-series (incorporating SomewhereElse) and the Foxy Wine News Network series would have had higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issues. Nevertheless, the judges felt the two series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

 

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products and the Foxy Wine News Network could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).

 

"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as (the late) Little Fat Wino and (the still with us) Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino had been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."

 

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures Writing, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

 

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

PIIGS Fundraiser in Ontario

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, adored by over 4,000 watchers nightly in prime time, today learned that the WGAO, WCO, VQA, and the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association have come together to hold a fundraiser for the PIIGS countries in their time of need.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Essentially, the fundraiser (which has still to be approved by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Under the Thumb of The Grate McGinty) is in support of the poorer wineries and winemakers in those EU countries who are suffering within the Eurozone.

 

And the WGAO-WCO-VQA-CWHAFA consortium are also part of the enormous pressure being brought to bear on the LCBO to pay the PIIGS countries in a timely fashion for the wines that were imported to Ontario.

 

Details on the fundraiser are few, but it is believed to incorporate a baked goods sale, a silent auction of rare wines from non-PIIGS countries, a tent with a BBQ and 40 chefs promoting their tapas, and wines poured by Fruit Wineries of Ontario.

 

In view of the upcoming "European Autumn", a riff on the Arab Spring, the fundraiser needs to be done sooner rather than later, but organizers fear that government red tape may slow down the event.

 

Expediency is the order of the day, for any delay brings the PIIGS wineries closer to fiscal disasters, with the resultant drop in prices that can only injure local wine sales in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).

 

More on this impending disaster as it happens…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Validation of LCBO key to a successful future?

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, in conjunction with GOSH Wine News Services, has just learned that the LCBO, also known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, is treating the recent re-election of Grate McGinty as the validation of its existence.

 

Sources close to the LCBO and to McGinty have been saying that the Corporation (formerly known as "the Board") is now going to start taking a stronger presence and employ press muscle in its search for more money to "give" to the province.

 

One of the first things it will do is lean on those wine critics who diss the Corporation's selection of wines and rate its wine inventories below 88. The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association is shocked and appalled at this turn of events.

 

Said our source: "Every one of our wines is a winner. If it were not so, I would have told you. We have many rooms in our selling areas where we prepare fine wines for the masses. Why bother to speculate with a silly point system?"

 

The Corporation would continue to acknowledge single bottle faults and the like in wines, but in general, they are prepared to stonewall those critics who give low marks to the wines sold at the LCBO.

 

"They're taking money out of our pockets! Every low-rated review is a loss of sales and a loss of income to the coffers of this Great Province. The critics need to get on board during this time of economic recovery," said the Corporation.

 

The source continued, "We have ways to make them come around. We've also got some other ideas to discourage awarding low numbers. Just watch us."

 

More on this unhappy event and squashing of press privilege as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS -- RIM Blackberry to buy LCBO

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Breaking News from GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network –

 

GOSH has just learned that Jim Sillieballs, half-owner of RIM Blackberry, has decided to buy the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

It will no longer be controlled by The Grate McGinty. Instead, Sillieballs intends to move the LCBO (lock, stock and barrel, so to speak) to Waterloo, Ontario.

 

Word on the street is that Sillieballs paid over 10 billion dollars for the LCBO, in a deal which would see all inventory, warehousing and administrative offices be consolidated within the city of Waterloo.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

There is a loud rumour that Sillieballs' application for a brand of rye (to be called RIM Shots) was turned down because it was too blatantly branded to an existing product. In a fit of pique, he simply bought the LCBO as a deal condoned by The Grate McGinty, who claims that Ontario still retains the taxing structure and profits.

 

Apparently, the city of Waterloo has been on board for some time, and is delighted with the new industry and employment numbers. They expect several thousand employees to transfer to the city.

 

More on this story as it unfolds…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

On this Day in Wine History...

ON THIS DAY IN WINE HISTORY IN THE ALTERNATE BUT PARALLEL UNIVERSE --

 

A fill-in feature from GOSH Wine News Services..

 

On this day in 1927, the LCBO was founded on a bed of limestone, to encourage local grape production. But it was such a cash cow that the government abandoned its wine roots and ploughed the beer and spirit dollars into a make-work bureaucracy during the Great Depression.

 

On this day in 1999, the first animal-critter label was created. Significantly, it was a snake-in-the-grass and its contents were reviewed by prominent members of the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association as tasting like snake oil.

 

On this day in 1978, the first 100-point scale was used by Robert Parker, Jr. It was immediately stolen by many (but not all) publications around the world, although it was criticized as "inept" by those inept publications which had postponed their usage of points until later, jumping on the bandwagon after the horse had left the stable. For his efforts, Parker rates a 92, but he is maturing and in decline.

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS FLASH: The Onion to "align" with Foxy Wine News Network

NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!

 

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with the Canadian version of The Onion newspaper.

 

Originally, The Onion had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that The Onion had prior exclusive rights to satire and sarcasm in Canada. They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that The Onion is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, The Onion has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.

 

From November 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all Canadian vinous happenings for The Onion, and The Onion will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.

 

In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.

 

Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

LCBO to deconstruct under Whodat

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that Tom Whodat, the leader of the Official Opposition in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will seek to deconstruct the LCBO after he wins the election, by renaming it the "Limitless Conservation of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat".

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Policy advisors have suggested that international wine purchases will be de-emphasized while Ontario wines will greatly expand within the rubber walls of the new LCBO, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province Controlled by Whodat.

 

But Ontario producers have already suggested that they may not have enough grape product for sale, and that the Ontario Government may have to dip into its copious stocks of fruit wines, which, until this moment, seem to have been neglected.

 

Other advisors have suggested that a good Scotch and soda is just the ticket for Ontario voters, and have put their money on brown spirits rather than wines.

 

More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network shut out at recent Emmys & Geminis

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network is bitterly disappointed that it did not win any Emmy or Gemini Awards this season.

 

When reminded that the Network is relatively new with no product before the closing date, the CEO said: "That shouldn't matter. We put our hearts and souls into our work. We worked really hard and we deserved the Awards based on the work that we did. After all, don't school kids get marks for just working hard, no matter whether they are right or wrong?"

 

He went on, "We broke many stories…on the new red-light district in Toronto for drinking, the fact that Canadian blended wines were going to drop terroir, the WikiLeaks booze material release, the fabrication of the VQA system in 1992, and the concept of SomewhereElse wines."

 

"Plus, of course, the development of the LCBO buying and selling wines only in Euros. What more could the Emmy Academy of Television Arts want?"

 

When reminded that programs must be NOMINATED first before they can get an Award, the CEO said, "Oh, right. Maybe next year."

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Wine Dirty Talk?

Source: floating around the Internet off and on for years, with updates.

 

For wine writers, it is NOT dirty talk to say --

 

1. "Spit or swallow?"

2. "Stick your nose all the way in"

3. "She's needs to open up a bit"

4. "I've had a '69 with my sister"

5. "My God! Check out the legs on that Blue Nun!"

6. "I keep Sherry on the rack in my cellar"

7. "I find the Italians flacid and the French hard"

8. "There are too many whites in this room"

9. "He needs to practice the swirl"

10. "She caught me sneaking Helen Turley into the house"

11. "We're going to be doing it vertically"

12. "You have to pull it out slowly, otherwise it'll shoot all over the place!"

13. "Have you tasted Mike Weir?"

14. "I'm smelling leather right now"

15. "Me and the guys did a 10 year old Tawny, it was sweet"

16. "Mind if I check out your screwpull?"

17. "Ladies, any of you enjoying my Beaune?"

18. "Wow that really swelled up, can you stick it back in?"

19. "Let it glide across your tongue"

20. "I'm sorry Madame but your Pouilly-Fuisse is awfully dry"

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Master of Wine Writing Course -- from an Ontario agent's POV

 From an Ontario agent who sent this in...

 

 Master of Wine Writing for agents:

 

-how to recycle conference kit bags by donating them to auctions

-how to rewrite English as a second language descriptions on the back labels of wines

-how to ask wineries to send golf shirts and kitsch to give to the media

-how to describe wine to a woman in sexually provocative terms while gazing sincerely into her eyes without cracking a smile

-how to describe wine to a man in such a way that by the end of it he feels like his stock portfolio just increased

-how to disarm a persistent wine geek with heretofor unknown techniques in the vineyard that differentiate this wine from all others

-how to sidestep requests for helping people craft their entire month's journey to Tuscany (level two teaches how to avoid seeing the pictures upon their return)

-how to segregate media into different time slots at tastings so that clan fighting does not ensue

-how to display pens, notepads and other collectibles to attract media at a booth

-how to defer answering questions to the winemaker at trade shows so that the agent can find people who want to buy wine instead of pontificate about it

-how to fawn over the LCBO Head Office while stroking private buyers under the table

-how to keep the more obscure biodynamic rituals hushed for the purposes of driving people mad with curiosity

-how to buy your winery neighbours' grapes and make more wine in good vintages under your own label

-how to sell your winery neighbours the majority of your crop in poor harvests to bottle under their label

-how to source inexpensive branded novelty items to give to the media

-how to justify the 500 mile rule on distant sales tours

-how to give excess wine glasses to media and charity

-how to leverage allowing media to bring their dates to wine functions into good PR

-how to determine the exact point at which a wine should stay in the cellar or get donated to auction for the maximum charitable donation deduction

 

The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Master of Wine Writing Course syllabus announced

TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association has just announced the course content for its entry level Master of Wine Writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be  a Wine Writer….

 

MWW I topics will include:

 

– how to get a kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;

- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;

- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;

- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;

- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;

- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;

- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;

- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;

- how to pretend ignorance;

- how to diss and respect the LCBO in the same sentence;

- how to get free wine glasses for life;

- hoe to make yourself indispensable;

- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;

- how to ask questions at wine functions;

- how to get a free lunch everyday;

- how to recognize a wine pariah;

- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);

- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;

- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;

- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;

- how to beg for wine samples and alternate bottles;

- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;

 

The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Can Wine Hacks and Flacks Association to offer MWW designation

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by up to 5,000 viewers every night, is pleased to offer, in conjunction with the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association, the beginning of a new online-television education relationship.

 

Beginning in Fall 2011, CWHFA (pronounced Kwee-Fah) will be offering through Foxy Wine News Network some new Master of Wine Writing courses leading to the M.W.W. degree (Master of Wine Writing). Kwee-Fah's Registrar said that these courses would not be similar to, nor lead to a Master of Wine or a Master Sommelier designation.

 

"Indeed", he said, "the MWW will be sitting over the MW and the MS. For one thing, it is one letter longer. For another, the MWW is concerned with writing about the same material that the MW and MS comprises, so the MWW has a more integrative construction of base materials.

 

"The MWW is a communication degree posited above the MW and the MS in interpretation. We will expound and expand on MW/MS materials and we will explain and demystify wine terms and concepts. The MWW will be able to fashion a credible, readable account of wines and wine tasting without resorting to a "sweaty saddles" or "kerosene" or "petrol" type of terminology. We'll lose such phrases as "Heavy-weight almost focused dessert wine. Whispers of cedar, structured blueberry and scant plum. Drink now through 2012."

 

"We'll also be looking into the type of hard-hitting investigative journalism-type stories that GOSH seems to find every day of the week – why aren't the big boy wine writers picking up these stories? Because there are actually TOO many stories..."

 

"We hope to have some of these investigative experiences fashioned in writing and on television before the October 6 election, so we can see what the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty is really up to."

 

The Registrar of Kwee-Fah said: "We'll address this investigative issue when the time comes: it'll make a good textbook case for our students to write-up. Just watch us. We'll be everywhere."

 

Syllabi will go online September 1, while registration opens August 1 at the Foxy Wine News Network's website. More details will be posted later…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

LCBO to generate new revenue strategy ahead of Oct 6 election

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by almost 5,000 happy wine drinkers every prime time hour, has just learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty, has decided on yet another revenue-generation strategy to justify its existence and to bring in new dollars to the Liberal Government coffers.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Fresh intel suggests that the "still-to-be-verified-by-hacked-voicemail-messages" strategy will supposedly involve such things as:

 

-selling ANY wine made in the world in the Ontario marketplace, so long as it passes the stringent lab analysis for health safety. The fee for this could rise to $5,000 per analysis per shipment.

 

-increasing the number of Vintages offerings, both in wines and in frequency, to accommodate the new selling rules. What is now a bi-weekly release of some 120 wines will soon become a weekly release of some 1200 wines, followed by a DAILY release in 2012, probably offering 500 new wines each day. Importers will be expected to clear and sell out their wines within 14 days, to create space for newer incoming labels. Said a spokesperson, "This should appease those scores of thousands of wine lovers who have been begging for new wines."

 

-requesting that wine writers either pay a Friday Casual Day donation to the LCBO or wear a suit, with white shirt and tie. Ladies must wear cocktail dresses. Newer rules, to accommodate tasting 2500 new wines a week in 2012, will be promulgated later, and may involve overnight stays which will be billed to the wine writer.

 

-selling advertising on the brown liquor and wine bags.

 

-charging wine writers $10 for every day they taste and record wine notes on their laptops in the LCBO sensory labs. The LCBO has never charged for electricity before, but recent building brown-outs have been attributed to media charging their batteries with free electricity. Said a spokesperson, "This bit of gravy has been at taxpayer expense and it must stop."

 

-audio broadcasting of wine commercials in LCBO stores;

 

-initiating Drive-Through Liquor Stores in heavily urbanized areas.

 

The strategy will be implemented after the Civic Holiday weekend, and should generate several millions of Liberal dollars ahead of the October 6 election.

 

More on this story as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Apology from Foxy Wine News Network re: stretch water

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine New Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, now enjoyed by over 5,000 nightly viewers, wishes to issue the following apology which was broadcasted in prime time:

 

"For the past two years, Dean Tudor, ace investigative reporter for GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network, had commented that the stretch water component of International and Canadian Blended wines was not a joke, that it was for real. We've read lots of your emails about your laughter, folks, but we've re-iterated over and over again that STRETCH WATER IS NOT A JOKE, THAT IT IS FOR REAL, and the Canadian public is paying big bucks in taxes on simple tap water.

 

"Tudor has said it, over and over: STRETCH WATER IS REALITY, it is not a joke.

 

"Well, guess what, folks, IT ACTUALLY IS A JOKE -- that's right, Stretch Water (no relation to Stretch Cunningham) is a one-trick pony joke that has been perpetrated on the Canadian public.

 

"Dean Tudor wishes to apologize for insisting that stretch water is real. He defers to the judgment of the email writers and hacked voicemail messages, and he apologizes for his mistake. To not do so would be irresponsible. If he were to continue to make such mistakes and misstatements, and not correct them, especially if each and every one of those statements happened to go in one very particular direction on the political spectrum, that would undermine the very integrity and credibility that he works so hard to pretend to care about."

 

"Dean Tudor also apologizes for directly stealing this apology from another satirist. It was not intended to be a factual statement."

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News: Parker to Change his wine scoring systrem.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services – The Foxy Wine News Network, viewed by almost 4,000 people during the recent Stanley Cup games, today has learned that Robert M. Parker Jr., the Dean of Wine Writers, the guy who started measuring and evaluating wines in terms of school performance report cards, will be changing his scoring scheme beginning with wines tasted in August 2011.

 

Said Parker (no relation to the creator of the Spenser mystery novels), "It is about time I changed. I've come under so much flak from others over my ParkerNumbers™. Besides I wanted to leave a legacy for Buddy, my bulldog."

 

In essence, Parker is shifting from an arithmetical scale to a common logarithmic scale, much like the decibel. "I've called it the Buddy scale", said Parker.  "The common logarithm has a base 10. It is indicated by log₁₀(x). On calculators it is usually 'log'. So it is perfectly adaptable to the computer society."

 

The Buddy, then, is based on the common logarithm of ratios — -10 times the logarithm of a power ratio. As Parker explains, "The signal-to-noise ratio describing the amount of unwanted noise in relation to a (meaningful) signal is measured in decibels and in Buddies. In a similar vein, the peak signal-to-noise ratio is commonly used to assess the quality, in this case, of wine."

 

Parker continued, "My 94 Buddy point wine is ten times better than my 93 Buddy point wine, and my 95 Buddy point wine is 100 times better than my 93 Buddy point wine. That's how it goes. It will give me more scope to refine my judgement with those wines that closely approach perfection upwards to 100 points. But like Zeno's Paradox, I may never reach 100 points again."

 

Initial responses have been fast, furious, and to some extent chaotic. Nobody knew that this was coming. The International Wine and Food Society abandoned its seven point scale in favour of the modified Richter log scale. The University of California at Davis immediately re-vamped its 20-point scale as a natural log. The Wine Speculator, though, stuck with its 100-point scale, saying, "There's nothing we can quickly do: the points are arrived at by committee. It would take years to change our glacial approach."

 

The Wine Writers' Circle of Canada commented, "We have no control over our members. They can use whatever numbers or letters they want. We got one guy who rates all the wines as either Tops, Dandy, So-So, Punk or Lousy. We have another who rates all wines in terms of whether they should be served to mothers-in-law. What can I say?"

 

More on this story as it rolls along…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO items "on sale" move exclusively to Twitter!

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The LCBO today announced that it had joined the Twitterverse.

 

Beginning tomorrow at 10 AM, the LCBO will promulgate its usual special sales and deep discounts only through Twitter. These sales, indicated by the CSPC, will be for TEN minutes only, and must be completed by return Tweets pointing to pre-registered credit card data to ensure payment. Customers must, of course, have a Twitter account in order to take advantage of the sales.

 

Customers will then have 24 hours to pick up their purchases from a central location. Should the consumer already be in a store when the Tweet arrives, he can pick up the sale item then and there. Apparently, there is no limit on quantities purchased this way.

 

Initially, sales will be for $1 off a bottle, peaking at $2.50 off during the slowest selling time of the day. So there will be hourly variations, adding a bit of thrill to the proceedings. Some may even call this "gambling" or "rolling the dice". 

 

As the system gets rolling, there will be special discounts and news alerts, plus the chance of pre-ordering Vintages products. There is also speculation that home delivery may be available, but only to the Twits.

 

"We're giving people what they requested -- virtual instant access to reduced prices. Eventually, the sales of all delisted products will also move over to Twitter, giving those Twits a leg up on purchases," said a spokesperson.

 

More as this story evolves…

 

 Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network joins with "Thiis Is That"

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 nightly viewers, is now pleased to announce a mutual P2P partnership with the CBC Radio show, "This Is That".

 

Effective July 1, immediately after "This Is That" returns for a second season, Foxy Wine News Network will be responsible for supplying wine spoofs and parodies to the radio show.

 

This cross-association between "This Is That" and the Foxy Wine News Network should in no way impinge on the veracity and non-commercial nature of the public broadcaster, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

 

On the other hand, Foxy Wine News Network's status will be increased immeasurably.

 

More on this story as the situation evolves…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO to buy and sell alcohol only in Euros

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network today has learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty is poised for a major reconsideration and reconstruction of its currency policy.

 

The LCBO stated: "In addition to currency fluctuations, many factors go into pricing alcohol: freight costs, projected demand and what the competition is doing are some of the other considerations".

 

If prices on American or European products don't drop, it's not necessarily the LCBO who's benefiting, the spokesperson added. Roughly 90 per cent of the products on the LCBO General List are from suppliers who price their products in Canadian dollars when they are issuing quotes to the LCBO, she said. That means any benefit from a rising Canadian dollar would go towards wineries, breweries and distilleries, if the shelf price doesn't budge.

 

"It's really up to the supplier in most cases if they want to pass on the savings," she said. "We certainly pass them along when we can. We're not hanging on to the extra money."

 

In the high-end Vintages and Classics ranges, more suppliers tend to price their products in their local currency. Everything from bourbon to bottles of Burgundy and Bordeaux could be coming down in price.

 

In order to ensure that this happens to all alcohol (including the General List), the LCBO will now be buying and selling wine only in Euros, the preferred currency of the Western World. This will roll out individual controls such as protection for the wines of Portugal and Greece -- both countries are in serious financial quagmires and need bailing out -- as does Irish beer and spirits.

 

The United States, facing default on its loans, may do better in the alcohol business if it converts US dollars to Euros when selling to the LCBO.

 

For its part, the LCBO will re-jig their local cash registers and offer the consumer a bill in Euros, which can then be charged or debited through a Euro account or a dollar account (with the bank mark-up fees).

 

Said the LCBO: "Then it would be out of our hands, and up to the banks to decide what to charge their clients. We're only interested in selling alcohol."

 

Cash sales would have to be in Euros, and ATMs will be put into every store. The cash register receipt will clearly show all applicable taxes and freight charges, mark-ups, customs fees, and the like – in Euros. This will make a level playing field, on which the LCBO both buys and sells alcohol in Euros.

 

As with all alcohol matters, Ontario and BC wineries are exempt from selling and buying in Euros.

 

More on this remarkable story as it progresses…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

BREAKING NEWS FLASH: Winefox.ca to "align" with Foxy News Network.

NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!

 

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with Winefox.ca.

 

Originally, Winefox.ca had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that Winefox.ca had prior exclusive rights to the words "fox" and "wine". They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that Winefox.ca is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).

 

So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, Winefox.ca has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.

 

From July 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all happenings at Winefox.ca, and Winefox.ca will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.

 

In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.

 

Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Canadian blended wines to drop terroir

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the Canadian Blended Wines Association (CBWA), an alliance of wineries dedicated to the production of 100% Canadian-blended wines, will announce its new blending philosophy at a press conference called for this afternoon.

 

On the table are a variety of wines that once had the name of Meritage or Conundrum, or simply Big Red or White or some other fantasy name. These wines are expected to be re-branded by the consortium, with an emphasis on a complete lack of terroir. The idea is to produce red and white wines from 100% Canadian grapes that will show no influence of microclimates, soils, winemaking techniques, oaking, etc. – nothing whatsoever.

 

"We will defy anybody learning where these wines are from. We will name the grape varieties, according to law, but not the percentages used. We will name the vintage but not the location," said a spokesperson. Apparently, some of the wines used may also be from out-of-province, reminiscent of the old Unity label from Vincor, A Constellation Company.

 

"We strongly believe in the future, and the future suggests that wines will sell better if they have no terroir. Besides, it is easier to get them across the border without the word terroir on them," continued the spokesperson.

 

Of particular value to the CBWA is the fact that many of these wines can be vended to tasting competitions run by the Master Sommeliers or Masters of Wines.

 

"They'll be hard to guess at, and could prove to be a tiebreaker of a wine in the taste game. Could anybody name these grapes and location? We think not."

 

All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com