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******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Master of Wine Writing Course -- from an Ontario agent's POV

 From an Ontario agent who sent this in...

 Master of Wine Writing for agents:


-how to recycle conference kit bags by donating them to auctions

-how to rewrite English as a second language descriptions on the back labels of wines

-how to ask wineries to send golf shirts and kitsch to give to the media

-how to describe wine to a woman in sexually provocative terms while gazing sincerely into her eyes without cracking a smile

-how to describe wine to a man in such a way that by the end of it he feels like his stock portfolio just increased

-how to disarm a persistent wine geek with heretofor unknown techniques in the vineyard that differentiate this wine from all others

-how to sidestep requests for helping people craft their entire month's journey to Tuscany (level two teaches how to avoid seeing the pictures upon their return)

-how to segregate media into different time slots at tastings so that clan fighting does not ensue

-how to display pens, notepads and other collectibles to attract media at a booth

-how to defer answering questions to the winemaker at trade shows so that the agent can find people who want to buy wine instead of pontificate about it

-how to fawn over the LCBO Head Office while stroking private buyers under the table

-how to keep the more obscure biodynamic rituals hushed for the purposes of driving people mad with curiosity

-how to buy your winery neighbours' grapes and make more wine in good vintages under your own label

-how to sell your winery neighbours the majority of your crop in poor harvests to bottle under their label

-how to source inexpensive branded novelty items to give to the media

-how to justify the 500 mile rule on distant sales tours

-how to give excess wine glasses to media and charity

-how to leverage allowing media to bring their dates to wine functions into good PR

-how to determine the exact point at which a wine should stay in the cellar or get donated to auction for the maximum charitable donation deduction


The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.




Master of Wine Writing Course syllabus announced

TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association has just announced the course content for its entry level Master of Wine Writing course, MWW I: So You Want to Be  a Wine Writer….


MWW I topics will include:


– how to get a kit bag with the name of a vinous conference;

- how to write a short paragraph extolling the virtues of a wine;

- how to ask for a golf shirt and/or jacket from a winery;

- how to make things up and/or get the facts wrong;

- how to ask for a Familiarization (FAM) Tour Trip;

- how to get out of a commitment to write up a media function or trip;

- how to come to grips with the basic but boring elements of grammar;

- how to score pens, paperclips, and notepads;

- how to pretend ignorance;

- how to diss and respect the LCBO in the same sentence;

- how to get free wine glasses for life;

- hoe to make yourself indispensable;

- how to trade a badly-sized media Tee-Shirt for one that fits;

- how to ask questions at wine functions;

- how to get a free lunch everyday;

- how to recognize a wine pariah;

- how to move up in the pecking order (does not apply to the A Team);

- how to get a travel bag emblazoned with the name of a wine region;

- how to bring dates to wine functions and wine trade dinners;

- how to use a camera for "pretend" pictures;

- how to beg for wine samples and alternate bottles;

- how to get away with using cologne at wine functions;


The introductory course, being entry level, is usually taught by guest lecturers, with selected readings and a final examination.