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******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Foxy Wine News Network joins with "Thiis Is That"

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by over 4,000 nightly viewers, is now pleased to announce a mutual P2P partnership with the CBC Radio show, "This Is That".


Effective July 1, immediately after "This Is That" returns for a second season, Foxy Wine News Network will be responsible for supplying wine spoofs and parodies to the radio show.


This cross-association between "This Is That" and the Foxy Wine News Network should in no way impinge on the veracity and non-commercial nature of the public broadcaster, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.


On the other hand, Foxy Wine News Network's status will be increased immeasurably.


More on this story as the situation evolves…



Tuesday, June 21, 2011

GOSH: LCBO to buy and sell alcohol only in Euros

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network today has learned that the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty is poised for a major reconsideration and reconstruction of its currency policy.


The LCBO stated: "In addition to currency fluctuations, many factors go into pricing alcohol: freight costs, projected demand and what the competition is doing are some of the other considerations".


If prices on American or European products don't drop, it's not necessarily the LCBO who's benefiting, the spokesperson added. Roughly 90 per cent of the products on the LCBO General List are from suppliers who price their products in Canadian dollars when they are issuing quotes to the LCBO, she said. That means any benefit from a rising Canadian dollar would go towards wineries, breweries and distilleries, if the shelf price doesn't budge.


"It's really up to the supplier in most cases if they want to pass on the savings," she said. "We certainly pass them along when we can. We're not hanging on to the extra money."


In the high-end Vintages and Classics ranges, more suppliers tend to price their products in their local currency. Everything from bourbon to bottles of Burgundy and Bordeaux could be coming down in price.


In order to ensure that this happens to all alcohol (including the General List), the LCBO will now be buying and selling wine only in Euros, the preferred currency of the Western World. This will roll out individual controls such as protection for the wines of Portugal and Greece -- both countries are in serious financial quagmires and need bailing out -- as does Irish beer and spirits.


The United States, facing default on its loans, may do better in the alcohol business if it converts US dollars to Euros when selling to the LCBO.


For its part, the LCBO will re-jig their local cash registers and offer the consumer a bill in Euros, which can then be charged or debited through a Euro account or a dollar account (with the bank mark-up fees).


Said the LCBO: "Then it would be out of our hands, and up to the banks to decide what to charge their clients. We're only interested in selling alcohol."


Cash sales would have to be in Euros, and ATMs will be put into every store. The cash register receipt will clearly show all applicable taxes and freight charges, mark-ups, customs fees, and the like – in Euros. This will make a level playing field, on which the LCBO both buys and sells alcohol in Euros.


As with all alcohol matters, Ontario and BC wineries are exempt from selling and buying in Euros.


More on this remarkable story as it progresses…

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

BREAKING NEWS FLASH: Winefox.ca to "align" with Foxy News Network.

NEWSFLASH  -- BREAKING NEWS as it happens !!!!!
TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Foxy Wine News Network(TM), enjoyed on television by over 4,000 Canadians every night, has joined forces with Winefox.ca.
Originally, Winefox.ca had filed a "cease-and-desist" letter with Foxy Wine News Network(TM), believing that Winefox.ca had prior exclusive rights to the words "fox" and "wine". They refused to believe in the existence of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
But that was before due diligence showed that Foxy Wine News Network(TM)  is a viable subsidiary of GOSH Wine New Services. Both legal teams have spent some time in coming up with a solution. It turns out that Winefox.ca is interested in some of the assets of the Foxy Wine News Network(TM).
So: instead of suing Foxy Wine News Network(TM) for $1,000,000, Winefox.ca has bought into the Foxy Wine News Network(TM), taking a minority interest with a silent partner position for that same amount of money.
From July 1 on, the Foxy Wine News Network(TM) will report on all happenings at Winefox.ca, and Winefox.ca will share in the profits made from 4,000 sets of television eyeballs.
In the future, there will be other forms of partnerships such as buying wineries, importing wines, selling wine accessories, and other commercial applications.
Foxy Wine News Network(TM), a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services, will be reporting on all of these as they happen....

Saturday, June 11, 2011

GOSH: Canadian blended wines to drop terroir

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the Canadian Blended Wines Association (CBWA), an alliance of wineries dedicated to the production of 100% Canadian-blended wines, will announce its new blending philosophy at a press conference called for this afternoon.


On the table are a variety of wines that once had the name of Meritage or Conundrum, or simply Big Red or White or some other fantasy name. These wines are expected to be re-branded by the consortium, with an emphasis on a complete lack of terroir. The idea is to produce red and white wines from 100% Canadian grapes that will show no influence of microclimates, soils, winemaking techniques, oaking, etc. – nothing whatsoever.


"We will defy anybody learning where these wines are from. We will name the grape varieties, according to law, but not the percentages used. We will name the vintage but not the location," said a spokesperson. Apparently, some of the wines used may also be from out-of-province, reminiscent of the old Unity label from Vincor, A Constellation Company.


"We strongly believe in the future, and the future suggests that wines will sell better if they have no terroir. Besides, it is easier to get them across the border without the word terroir on them," continued the spokesperson.


Of particular value to the CBWA is the fact that many of these wines can be vended to tasting competitions run by the Master Sommeliers or Masters of Wines.


"They'll be hard to guess at, and could prove to be a tiebreaker of a wine in the taste game. Could anybody name these grapes and location? We think not."


All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.


More on this story as it develops…



Sunday, June 5, 2011

GOSH: Foxy Wine News Network releases relevant WikiLeaks material

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, watched by up to 1,000 viewers in that most highly prized 24 to 54 demographic, has just received the latest batch of WikiLeaks which concerns Ontario.


Buried within the trash of reports and emails was a gem of government concerns about the Good People of Ontario. Here's a verbatim excerpt from last year, with blocked names of individuals:



Committee Chair: "I know, but if you're the minister and you were getting 1,000 complaints a day of whatever nature about the [BLOCKED] Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate [BLOCKED], you would have told them, 'Hey, there's something going on here, people aren't happy'?"

Minister: "I can't speak for past ministers. They have to speak for themselves. But all I can tell you is, that it stands to reason that if you have a complaint about the tactics of a government agency the last place you're going to complain about that is to the government agency. You're going to complain to your duly elected local [BLOCKED}."

Committee Chair: "But then why aren't people tabling all those complaints? Because we don't have them."

Minister: "I got a letter in my question period book from an [BLOCKED} who complained to the minister about that very topic. So to say they don't exist is not true."

Committee Chair: "But they're not in the hundreds, they're not in the thousands..."

Minister: "I can't quantify. Even if there's one complaint, if it's a legitimate complaint, even if there's one complaint from a [BLOCKED] about the tactics used by a government agency we have to consider that complaint a valid question about public policy."

Committee Chair: "Sure, but we don't change public policy for one person do we?"

Minister: "Why not? If they're right."

Committee Chair: "We change public policy for one person?"

Minister: "If they're right."


More on the reaction to this particular WikiLeak as it happens…