$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ALL THE RUMOURS, MYTHS, & WEIRD WINE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ AND FOOD STORIES YOU CAN HANDLE.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$SS "NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL I GET, I CAN NEVER KEEP UP" (Lily Tomlin)

******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Jean-Charles Boisset and Gina Gallo marry

And -- they celebrated with bottles of Jackson-Triggs Proprietor's Selection Sparkling Chardonnay Brut!!! 
Does this mean that the Boisset-Gallo connection will merge with Constellation? 
Stay tuned for more FauxVoixVinCuisine as this story continues to unfold...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins SPIFFY Award for series on Cellared in Canada wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).


Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news. [SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace…]. It's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.


Tudor won in the Regional Category (the least known sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of "Cellared in Canada" stories. His spoofs in this area totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issue on which the spoofs are based is real.


The "Cellared in Canada" series would have had a higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if CICs were not such a local, immaterial regional issue. Nevertheless, the judges felt it had merit. CIC stories may be found at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com. It is the leading wine satire site on the planet.


In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the Cellared in Canada wine products could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some Cellared in Canada Sparkling Wine.


"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as Little Fat Wino and the Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino has been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."


Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand Cellared in Canada wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".


More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…


Friday, September 18, 2009

GOSH: TIFF succeeds with new Cellared in Canada product labelled, uh, "Tiff"

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning announcement from off the red carpet (and thereby lost to the broadcast media who hadn't a clue), the Toronto International Film Festival proclaimed a glowing success with its latest fundraiser.


That fundraiser was a "Cellared in Canada" wine brand fondly labelled "Tiff" in honour of the both the film festival and the recent acrimonious debate between the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines and the Canadian Cellared in Canada Wine Group – not to mention the growing resentment amongst other Ontario wine players (OVA, VQA, WCO).


One dollar from the sale of every carton of Tiff Cellared In Canada wine goes to support TIFF endeavours. Most of the imported wine used in the blend comes direct from the back lots of Hollywood or from surplus plantings of various celebrities and directors (Coppola, Fess Parker, Smothers, etc.). The wines were cuveed and the assemblage done at not-yet-dead-still-alive Michael Jackson's new King of Pop winery in Sudbury. He had used his influence in garnering the wines from his friends in the Hollywood industry.


Wine and film critics invited to the TIFF parties filled out comment cards, and noted that the red wines served at these functions tasted "unusual", "interesting", "berry palate", "light mouthfeel", "short finish", "typically Canadian", "acceptable", "gradevole" (said one Italian film critic)), "conventional", "correct", "decent", "convenable et quotidien" (said one French film critic), "everyday", "fair", "as expected", "familiar", "keeps to a middle ground", "generic", "crowd pleaser", "matter of fact wine", "honest", and "semplice" (said another Italian film critic).


The white wines were noted as "floral aromas", "no surprise", "innocuous", "legitimate wine", "mild", "modique" (said one French film critic), "natural", "positive", "nice", "quaffable", "proper", "more or less", "manages well-enough", "neat", "normal", "vinous", "no surprise here", "within bounds", "all-purpose", "useful", "obvious", "bien pensant" (according to one French film critic), "passable", "avoids excess", "small-framed", "pleasing", and "sottile" (said one Italian film critic).


Robert Parker Jr. and Jancis Robinson Sn. had been invited to share their comments. Parker called the wines straightforward, but with refinement, while Robinson characterized them as unpretentious and unspoiled, with an unvarying and uniform universal profile. Parker disagreed, saying that the wines were typical, traditional, tolerable, and quite telling in being true to their post-phylloxera roots. Robinson's rebuttal was, as usual, unspecified.


The counter-tasters from the Wine Bloggers of Canada called the wines subtle, propitious, somewhat real, a bit standard, satisfactorily regular, with Franco-Canadians adding "candide", "sodo", and "robuste".


Nevertheless, fine Canadian movies deserve fine Cellared in Canada wines supported by the Hollywood infusion.


More on TIFF and its wines as it happens…



Sunday, September 13, 2009

GOSH: Sillyballs to buy "Cellared in Canada" brand, re-locate to Hamilton.

NEWS ITEM:  Jim Balsillie's bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move them to Southern Ontario appeared to take a hit late Friday when representatives for the biggest creditor in the bankruptcy case said they backed the NHL's offer to take over the club. The process began in early May when Balsillie agreed to buy the franchise out of bankruptcy from Coyotes owner Jerry Moyes and move it to Hamilton, Ont. -- CBC Sports


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning announcement today, billionaire James Sillyballs has proclaimed that he has bought the rights to a "Cellared in Canada" brand from the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines. He will immediately move the brand to Hamilton, increase its Canadian content to 51%, decrease its price, and change the label's typeface to a larger and more readable font to stress "truth in labelling".


In addition, he said at the press conference held in Niagara-on-the-Lake (admittedly, hostile territory, but then he does have the silly balls to do it), "We're going to proudly label this sucker so the Canadian consumer knows its origins. We're labelling it: "51% Ontario grown fruit", and to hell with the legislation prohibiting the use of the word Ontario.


"We're open for business – we'll be buying grapes from all over the province. If we are successful, we can up the percentage content to maybe 60 – 75% Ontario fruit.


"And yes, we're going to be in every market that VQA is. I will personally visit every LCBO, A Crown Corporation, outlet in this have-not province, inspecting the shelf location of my Cellared in Canada (CIC) wine.


"We expect to re-brand the wine to conform to other animal labels. So far our marketing department is wavering between "Phoenix" and "Coyote". Expect an announcement soonest."


When asked to comment, many grape growers were pleased that they will be able to sell their grapes instead of having them die on the vine. "Sillyballs rescued us just in time – we couldn't go through another year of losing money."


At the same time, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, was enthusiastic: "Hey, whatever it takes to sell wine and make money for the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. We'll comply with whatever he offers us."


The Ontario Wine Council, unlike the NHL, immediately invited Sillyballs to apply for membership, while the VQA was not amused. The OVA, through its Little Fat Wino spokesperson, has offered Sillyballs first rights to Freggie™ the all-Ontario fruit and vegetable wine. Sillyballs said that he would consider it. "I love carrots", he remarked.


More on this Cellared in Canada story as it develops…



Saturday, September 5, 2009

GOSH: Cellared in Canada Business Management program collapses

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- Former students of the Canadian College of Haute Cuisine are alleging that they were misled into taking a program that left them unqualified in their field.


Three students who took the Cellared in Canada Business Management program at the CCHC claim it didn't have the ability to confer the industry designations it promised, despite the joint sponsorship of the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines and the Canadian Cellared in Canada Wine Group.


They have launched a class action lawsuit against the CCHC and are seeking $11 million dollars in damages. Their lawyer said a court date has been set for October.


The proposed class-action lawsuit against the CCHC has not been certified by the courts, and the allegations have not been proven in court.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.


When asked for a statement, the students said: "We were told that Cellared in Canada wine products were on the cutting edge of Canadian viniculture, and there would be plenty of entitlement jobs available. Sales were rising exponentially every year, and there were supposed to be scores of opportunities to get into a cushy-cozy management position through entitlement. We weren't actually supposed to make the stuff, just know how the blend was done.


"Then the pomace hit the fan when the Olympic wine scandal broke. Imagine using imported wine to raise money for the Olympics! The public awareness of the fraud of CIC wines made all of us entitlement students redundant. It was all a waste of time and money. Somebody should pay for these jobs that we were entitled to get.


"We're also tired of denials and tweets like NMP or DEGT. The industry should have been looking out for us – two years of our lives were wasted with false entitlement partying."


When asked for a comment, the Canadian College of Haute Cuisine decided to close for the Fall term. The Ontario Wine Council is keeping its options open, and decided to be GFTD.


More on this mis-education entitlement miscue as it develops…