$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ALL THE RUMOURS, MYTHS, & WEIRD WINE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ AND FOOD STORIES YOU CAN HANDLE.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$SS "NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL I GET, I CAN NEVER KEEP UP" (Lily Tomlin)

******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2010 SPIFFY Award yet again...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2010 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).


Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news. [SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace…]. It's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.


Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of CellaredInCanada(TM) and Freggie(TM) stories. His spoofs in this area for 2010 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issue on which the spoofs are based is real.


The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) series would have had a higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such a local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issue. Nevertheless, the judges felt the ICB series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet, http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.


In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).


"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as (the late) Little Fat Wino and (the still with us) Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino had been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."


Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".


More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

GOSH: WikiLeaks comes to Ontario wine industry

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – It has just been confirmed that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has hired the damage control firm of DeNile, Cover, and Exploit Inc.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


Apparently, the WikiLeaks scandal has descended as far down as the sale of alcoholic beverages in Ontario. We are not sure what this means, but GOSH has surmised that intense speculation throughout the industry can only mean that such occurrences as secret wine tasting notes, price fixing, intraprovincial trading, and the like are about to be revealed soon.


Employees at the Crown Corporation have avoided GOSH's penetrating questions, Booze Ontario has refused to comment, the Winery and Growers' Allianze of Ontario did not return our calls, the Wine Counsel of Ontario hung up on us, and the Very Qualified Assessment board, while inviting us in for a drink, just smiled and refused to talk to us. Fruit Wines Ontario referred GOSH to the Freggie™ CellaredInCanada™ company. Wine Writer groups (real and bloggers) have avoided the issue in their writings. ICB Brands Inc. could not be contacted because they do not yet have a phone.


But this we have learned: the emails to be released by WikiLeaks will contain sordid information that could bring down a government. The question is: which government?


Apparently, the problem has been exacerbated by the records of people who get no respect in the industry. Said one industry source: "I'm so tired of being dissed."


"Name calling" seems to be about half the substance of the leaks.


More on this story as it slowly comes out…



Saturday, December 11, 2010

Freggie unleashes second wine this week

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The GOSH Wine News team has learned that Freggie™, the all-fruit and all-vegetable Ontario wine, is poised to release its SECOND top-secret wine in honour of the newly elected Council of the City of Toronto.


Last week it was announced that "Gravy Stain" would be forthcoming. Later this week, its new partner will be known as "Pinko".


The secret blend embraces raspberry juice, beet juice, and a dollop of Cherry juice. It will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.


Freggie™ has advised that the wine must be stocked on the left side of the shelves.


More on this story as it evolves…




Tuesday, December 7, 2010

GOSH: Freggie launches "Gravy Stain" wine to commemorate new Mayor Ford

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) --  Later today at a special dinner in Toronto to celebrate the Coronation Of Robert ("that dirty little coward who shot Mr. Howard") Ford as its pre-apocalyptic Mayor, it will be announced that Freggie ™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable CellaredinCanada™ wine, will unleash the first in a series of special bottlings.


To be called "Gravy Stain", the Freggie™ creation will have a leaky top that will ensure a gravy stain whenever some one pours a drink – or, most likely, quaffs right out of the bottle.


It will be introduced by Don "Maraschino" Cherry. The stain cannot be removed, unlike political incumbents.


Positioned at $6 a litre, the grey-brown wine will also be highly sought after for its cute and inventive label. Said one wine writer, "The winery managed to eliminate that burning, lingering aftertaste."


It will be available exclusively as +000666 on the General List at all stores owned and operated by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province.



Thursday, December 2, 2010

Ontario Crown Corporations Orderd to Stop Telling the Truth

Grate McGinty Orders Crown Corporations to Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice; Fallout from Ontario WikiLeaks Mess. As extensively borrowed from Andy Borowitz at www.borowitzreport.com.

[Dedicated to the late, great Larry Paterson aka Little Fat Wino]

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In the first major policy fallout from the Ontario WikiLeaks disclosures, the Grate McGinty has ordered all employees of the Crown Corporations of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

"We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again," the Premier's Office told reporters. "But until
we've got the leaks plugged, it's incumbent on all our Crown employees to put on their lying caps."

The Office noted that since many Crown employees are major political
donors with long careers in the business world, "this shouldn't be a reach for them."

But for those career employees who came up through the ranks, the
Treasury Board will be holding a series of "truth avoidance seminars," led by executives of the Toronto media.

Additionally, the Treasury Board said, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, would install on all employee computers new software called CandorShield™, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version.


The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, is exempt from the rulings because nothing ever leaks from their containers.

More on this story as untruths generates…