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Friday, October 30, 2009

GOSH: Prince Charles to endorse new "Cellared in Canada" wine

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that Prince Charles will be endorsing a new "Cellared in Canada" wine.


Prince Charles has been advised by his wine consultant, Jancis Robinson, MW, to push for changes to the "Cellared in Canada" wine industry. He is prepared to wade in on behalf of wine drinkers everywhere. So far, he has managed to convince the Ontario Wine Council to no longer lobby for Cellared in Canada wines.


A source at the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (AFCICW) tells GOSH that Prince Charles had specifically requested a blended wine at the "British Riserva" level to be named after his wife, Camilla. When told that the name would not fly in Canada (and to enhance Quebec sales), he compromised on the name, by titling it "Camille". There will be both a red and a white wine, with a rose coming next summer. Pricing for the latter will be based on the non-lobby grape price.


The wine, to be the Official Wine of the November 2 – November 12 Royal Tour will be launched at the Royal Winter Fair in Toronto. In return for the name and the reserve blend, the TetraPak uses the words "By appointment to HRH The Prince of Wales, provisioner of Cellared in Canada Proprietor's Reserve wine." To be discussed are the colour, size and placement of the font used on the label.


This unique blend, according to Miffed Mole, comprises not only English wine from the Lake District surplus but also crystal clear water from North Wales. The Ontario wine component can only come from those wineries who employ people named Charles.


How much water from Wales still needs to be determined, but it would certainly not come over in cobalt blue bottles. In fact, to reduce the carbon footprint, it may arrive here as dehydrated water, to be reconstituted in Hanover, Ontario. The stretch water content is sure to be hotly debated, said Brett Grimsby, our top investigative wine reporter. "Water doesn't come cheap; there must be limits" was his comment.


Both Prince Charles and Camilla are said to be thrilled to be a part of the Canadian reserve winescape, and both hope that their red and white wines become available as part of the Olympics Fine Wine Reserve Collection. The LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, is said to be on board for this one, and promises not to test the stretch water component so stringently, and also not to question the nature of the British Reserve.


More on the availability of this "fine reserve wine" as it happens…


Chimo!  www.deantudor.com


Thursday, October 22, 2009

GOSH: CanWest to produce "Cellared in Canada: wine and food" magazine

REAL NEWS ITEM: Gourmet magazine, published since 1941, has been shut down by Conde Nast. Falling ad revenue has been blamed.



TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, beleaguered CanWest has announced its foray into the tough sell world of magazines. Never one to back away from a good American opportunity, the Asper family has purchased the Canadian subscriber list from recently closed Gourmet magazine.


Said a spokesperson: "We see this as a great opportunity to launch a food and drink magazine for Canadians. Apparently, through our due diligence, we find that there is not a single food and drink magazine published in Canada. We'd like to be the first."


Word on the street is that the new magazine will be titled, "Cellared in Canada: wine and food". Miffed Mole tells us that CanWest is enchanted with the idea of pairing real Canadian wine with real Canadian food.


The magazine will be monthly – it will mix recipes with wine and food pairings, plus engage its readers with some hard hitting political articles centered on Canadian food and wine.


Initial article storyboards have these working titles –


**Wines the government doesn't want you to know about!


**Cellared in Canada management theory: how to fool ALL of the people ALL of the time.


**Boeuf Bourguignon: can it be better with 21 cent a litre red wine?


**Haunted Wines [just in time for Hallowe'en]


**Editorial: The federal Minister responsible for Cellared in Canada wines MUST resign over his inactions regarding the Winter Olympics wine scandal.


**Has Esprit wine lost its spirit?


**Location, Location, Location: exactly where do most Cellared in Canada wines come from?


**Is there really a "Cellar" in Cellared in Canada wine? Or is it just a parking space?


**Cooking with Freggie™, the CIC fruit-vegetable wine.


**China: the wine giant looms in the background of any discussion with Cellared in Canada wine futures.


**Christmas: leftover frozen Thanksgiving Turkey recipes work well with Cellared in Canada wines.


The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines and the Cellared in Canada Wine Group have already announced they will purchase many pages of advertising. The Big Three producers of Cellared in Canada wines will also participate.


CanWest has gone on the record for writer fees: "We feel that we can offer freelance wine writers and bloggers upwards of almost one penny a word, which is at the top end of many such writer fee scales."


When asked to comment, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, said: "No food and drink magazines in Canada? That's news to us. Where has CanWest been?"




More on this magazine launch as it happens…


Saturday, October 17, 2009

GOSH NEWSFLASH: Michael Jackson apologizes to Paul Anka for Cellared in Canada blend

4 STAR NEWSFLASH -- GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that Michael Jackson, now living in Sudbury and heavily involved with the Cellared in Canada wine industry, plans to call a press conference for today at 6 PM, to apologize to music giant Paul Anka.
According to Brett Grimsby our top investigative wine reporter, Jackson was allegedly caught appropriating Anka's secret bland blend recipe in the creation of Jackson's Cellared in Canada wine, "Moonwalk".
Said Anka from Los Angeles: "I haven't lived in Canada for decades, but I still consider myself "Canadian", and I contributed a bland blend of wines to the Cellared in Canada galaxy of special blends. My good friend Michael, who seems to be happy living in Sudbury. should be acknowledging my contribution to the CIC blending process."
Announced royalties will be split 50-50, but only on the domestic content. If "Moonwalk" uses any American wine, all the royalties for the 70% portion would accrue to Anka. Other offshore wines' royalties will be split according to how long each musician has toured in that country.
For the innumerate, the final royalty breakdown will comprise 50-50 on domestic wine, a sliding scale on the international component, and nothing on the stretch water value.
Either way, the end user gets a more musical "Cellared in Canada" blend, with the TetraPaks playable as nose-flutes.
When asked to comment on the probable sales value of the new "Moonwalk" Cellared in Canada wine campaign, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, declined to say more than: "Not our problem".
More on this breaking story as it develops...

Friday, October 9, 2009

GOSH: Cellared in Canada wines to get new bottles and labels. to include stretch water.

NEWS ITEM: The Wine Council has formed the Industry Working Group on Label Clarity to develop industry-led improvements to the labeling of blended wines. Our Board gave this committee a strict timeline for response - it has been mandated to report back by December 31, 2009 in order to ensure attention to this important review and to demonstrate that  we are serious about implementing improvements on a timely basis. -- Wine Council of Ontario email to Brett Grimsby.




TRAWNA  -- (GOSH Wine News Services) --  With the sky visibly falling down, Chic Little, CEO and CRO of the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) proclaimed today at a hurriedly called Press Conference:


"We're changing…we can do it…with your help we can be the wine that Canadians love to enjoy."


Stung by all the bad press revolving around the revelations that "Cellared in Canada" wines can be misleading and that labels are untruthful, Little has lashed out at the critics by promoting change.


"Whatever you have heard about Cellared in Canada wines, forget about it…we're on a new playing field. And this time it is on the level. We're tired of the media that disseminates only disparaging remarks and slanderous disinformation through out-of-context misquoting. We are now in full damage control mode!"


As readers should know by now, Cellared in Canada wines in British Columbia can be 100% imported wines. They have been represented by the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). In Ontario, there is a legislated ratio whereby the wines must be at least 30% domestic, and the balance can be stretch water (up to a prescribed limit) and offshore wines. These wines are represented by the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines.


Said Little: "We're working on developing a new bottle for the Ontario market. It will be a standard PET bottle for recycling, screw capped, and transparent. The labels will be clear to see. The words "Cellared in Canada" will be half-inch in height. There will be percentages listed, so consumers can tell right away which brand has the highest amount of Ontario wine or the lowest amount of stretch water, The standardized capsules will have a CIC logo."


Little went on: "But the best part about the bottle is its performance, which is why we are calling it the Puisse CafĂ© bottle. Each transparent bottle will have one-way slots to contain 70% or so of international wine, followed by a slot for the stretch water, followed by a third slot for the minimum 30% domestic wine. This way you can see the layers, the differences in colours, and yet be able to enjoy the full strength of the wine. If you are having a party, just pour the whole bottle into a decanter – there's no fuss or muss. If you feel like a little something from off-shore, just drink the top 70%. If you're thirsty, then stretch water is your next bet. If you want a domestic wine (and who doesn't?: they all meet strict CIC standards which are based on the QC and VQA standards), then just pour off the cheap 21 cent-a-litre offshore stuff, and the water, and then drink away -- but it's best with food."


Samples were provided at the press conference, and the media were busy pouring wine to see the effect of the slots and the change in the bottles. CIC food (burgers, fries, pizzas, wings, ribs) was served…look for an association between CIC wines and McDonald's real soon.


The LCBO immediately announced that while they would be collecting the 20 cent deposit on each bottle, they will not be returning the whole sum to the consumer who returns the bottle.  Said a spokesperson, "We don't pay out returnable deposits on stretch water."


Other plans for re-vamping Cellared in Canada wines include a sub-script on the label which states "Partially Parked in Canada" and a contest to engage the locavores in buying "local" wines.


Oh, and did you not know that bit about the stretch water? 


More on this developing story as it happens…



Saturday, October 3, 2009

GOSH: Export support for Fregggie(TM) added to AgriMarketing Program

REAL NEWS: "(Marketwire - Sept. 25, 2009) - The Government of Canada is investing $318,100 to help Canada's grape and wine producers increase international markets for their top quality products."


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning departure from the norm, the Federal Minister of Agriculture today announced that Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable "Cellared in Canada" wine, has been added to the list of VQA wines eligible to receive assistance through the AgriMarketing Program under the Growing Forward framework.


Freggie™ expects to get a decent portion of the $318,100 pie, given that it is the wine of choice amongst eHealth employees (both current and former).


Said Agri-Food Canada, "Our Government understands the importance of assisting our producers and processors to build on their success and increase global exports of world-class Canadian wines."


Freggie™ was developed as an alternative to the "Cellared in Canada" grape wine that has lately been in disgrace. It was to be an original blend of 70% Ontario fruit wine and 30% Ontario vegetable wine. Its main purpose was to eat up surpluses of produce.


Lately, though, producers of the newly invasive kudzu plant have been pressuring the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to add kudzu to the mix. If this happens, then the proportion of fruits to vegetables will change. Sources say that fruit will come out on top at 51%, with vegetables forming the rest of the mix. The status of the addition of Ontario water is still unclear, but would certainly go a long way to reducing the turgidity caused by fibrous vegetables.


A spokesperson for the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, said, "We welcome any new alcoholic product so long as it passes the Quality Assurance Laboratory tests and is promoted responsibly. Despite the past failures of the LCBO's storage policies (we did indeed NOT have rubber walls as our former Chairman said), we are now open for business. A new source of latex has been found, and we can now offer any and all products made in Canada."


The AgriMarketing program, with an $88 million budget over four years, is assisting producers and processors to increase exports of Canada's safe, high-quality world-class products around the world. The program provides funding to develop and implement long-term international strategies and to undertake activities such as international market development, brand-building and industry-to-industry trade advocacy. Launched on April 7, 2009, the AgriMarketing program is part of the Trade and Market Development Program under Growing Forward.


It's a pity that Freggie™ (and other touted Canadian wines) will get only the pittance of $318,100 out of $88 million.


More on this story after top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby finds out why $100 was added to the original announced figure of $318K…