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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

LCBO to change its name, direction, and consumer data...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by just under 4,000 viewers every night, is proud to present a new investigative journalism show: The LCBO Today…Premiering Fridays at 9PM. Here's a sneak look at out first story …


In a move designed to regain control of its place in the Ontario government system, The Grate McGinty has decided to rebrand the LCBO. Formerly known as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty, it will now be known as the Losing Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Loosely Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.


Why the subtle change? Said a spokesperson, "It was time for a change. We got tired of being hammered all the time by the Foxy Wine News Network, and decided to re-brand in order to get out from under their sharp eyes."


McGinty has hinted that other changes were afoot. The Crown Corp has quietly changed its Sugar Codes, in effect for well over 50 years, to be more urbane so consumers will not have to dodge the question of whether they like their wines sweet or dry. Said one consumer, "I usually like my red wines with upfront jammy fruit, and I got tired of seeing a Sugar Code of 2 or more. Now, it is just labelled "Dry" because there is enough finishing acid to compensate."


The Losing Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Loosely Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty appears to have gone even further: the alcoholic content of wines on its website catalogue disappeared overnight, causing great concern among consumers used to bragging about drinking high alcohol non-Amarone wines at the 15 to 16 per cent level.


Said one consumer, "It's a macho thing: not only do I drink it, I tell other consumers in a game of one-up-man-ship, I was there first. I did it, I drank it."


Is the LCBO indeed "losing control"? Stay tuned for the four part series, beginning Friday, April 27, 2012 at 9 PM DST, on the Foxy Wine News Network….


Dean Tudor, Ryerson University Journalism Professor Emeritus
Treasurer, Wine Writers' Circle of Canada
Look it up and you'll remember it; screw it up and you'll never forget it.
Creator of Canada's award-winning wine satire site at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

LCBO to rebrand as ABCO, announcement forthcoming later today

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by just under 4,000 daily TV viewers, has just learned of momentous changes coming to the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.


Apparently, in a brave attempt to reinvent itself, the LCBO will be assuming new branding and new revenue opportunities. A press conference has been called for later today, after the Eastern markets close, at about 5:30 PM DST.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


What our sources suggest is this:


First, the LCBO property at Queens Quay and Lake Shore will not be available for sale. It will remain with Ontario, A Have–Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.


Second, the property will be re-configured as a combination store. Leading the way with dramatic changes are Daniel Libeskind (think ROM) and Jack Diamond (think Four Seasons Centre). Yes, there will be a Crystal, and "maybe" it will be a "Diamond Crystal".


Third, the LCBO will be renamed to closer reflect the intent of the new operating agency: ABCO -- Alcohol, Brothel, and Casino Ontario.


The Ontario, A Have-Not Province, announcement will concern the re-adjustment. The ABCO will be responsible for developing alcohol sales, brothel operations, and casino gambling in Ontario, beginning with the Jumbo Palace at Queens Quay. The Brothel will be constructed as a see-through Crystal so that everyone can look at what is happening through its transparency; the Diamond facility will concern the Casino's gambling activities; and the Alcohol sales will remain in its drab but lucrative lustre. It is expected that traffic will flow from one to another with ease, especially through the Austrian whorehouse motif of Brothel Ontario.


Said Flighty Dwighty, Ontario's Have-Not Minister of Finance (with cabinet responsibility and accountability for the ABCO), "It's not a casino. It's an entertainment destination with take-out. It will likely be unparalleled in the country. These palaces have some of the finest shopping, restaurants, convention facilities, park spaces, open spaces -- imagine an anchor that could create a golden mile on Toronto's waterfront and that's quite possible." (Globe Tuesday April 10/12, pA10).


Sources also say that it will be an all-in-one vice operation under close police control.


On the one hand, the Ontario Government of a Have-Not Province will lose out on the $200 million appraisal of the Queens Quay property. But on the other hand, it won't cost more than one billion dollars to re-design and refurbish the existing buildings and warehouse for a combined alcohol-brothel-casino operation.


Where else could you find three male pleasures under one roof (with take-out), especially when it rains? More on this story as it develops…

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April job offer at LCBO

TODAY is April 1, 2012 – also known as April Fool's Day, 2012. To me, it is the most sacred day of the year as it is the one day that I am TOTALLY serious…the rest of the year is a joke, fodder for FauxVoixVinCuisine.


Accordingly, I'd like to announce that I'll soon be getting a new job: Toronto Marketing Manager at the LCBO. They were "looking for a smart, creative and likeable superstar to join our marketing team. As a Marketing Manager, you will lead the strategic and creative development of in-store promotions and multi-media advertising designed to promote LCBO products, generate increased store traffic and sales, and deliver an engaging customer experience."


They like me for my "Superb verbal and written communication skills to effectively manage staff, direct agencies, designers, photographers and copy writers, and to deliver briefings and presentations." As well as my "Strong creative eye and the ability to produce beautifully designed and compelling communication pieces."


But first, I need to "Develop strategic marketing plans based on research and analysis, consumer insights, and trends that deliver measurable sales results and customer engagement."


With my contacts Brett Grimsby and Miffed Mole, I can "Plan, create and implement highly engaging promotions that highlight LCBO as a world-class retailer of beverage alcohol products, a destination for entertaining inspiration and a friendly and approachable source for product knowledge." I can also "Plan, develop and execute in-store POP, merchandising, brochures, free-standing inserts, ROP, radio, out-of-home, TV, and digital communications."


Once I start this job, I'll honourably resign as Treasurer and Member of the Wine Writers' Circle of Canada (conflict-of-interest by-laws), but, of course, after I transfer the several hundred thousand dollars in the Treasurer's account over to my offshore interests…


So:  there will be plenty of gravy available for my fellow WWCC cohorts and colleagues. I'll be calling on you to help supply me with ideas and copy, for which I will pay and for which you will receive credit. I'm looking forward to it all. And you know what? There's probably an app for this job…I'm just sayin'…