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Thursday, July 29, 2010

GOSH CEO Dean Tudor to run for Mayor of Toronto on Wine Whine Wins ticket


John Tory is poised to run for Mayor of Toronto – News item



TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – To celebrate the dog days of summer, Dean Tudor – in a careful and well-choreographed announcement – has declared that he will be running for Mayor of Toronto, despite what he has said in the past.


"I can simply say – yes, I counted myself out at first, but I reconsidered when I saw that the issues I care about were not being properly addressed by the current line-up of candidates. People have been imploring me to come in with a declaration and my sense of public service commands me to obey."


Tudor, founder of GOSH Wine News Services and a major contributor to the Foxy Wine News Network of Canada, said that he would immediately hand over the leadership of GOSH/Foxy to Brett Grimsby, the top investigate wine reporter who broke so many stories with CellaredinCanada™ wines, Freggie™ the all-fruit, all vegetable wine, the G20 wines, and the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.


When asked about his platform, Tudor immediately clarified what he said, even before saying it.


"Please don't take this out of context, but my running will put me in a conflict of interest position within the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association. So I must take a leave-of-absence from that august group, or face censure.


"My higher calling is to the Wine Whine Wins Party of Ontario, a sort-of urban version of the Green Party. He who screams the loudest about Ontario wines usually wins something. The prize this time is the Mayoralty of Toronto. I have the entire support of the wine community; I am one of their own. My platform will be uncorked next week!"


Toronto is situated 125 kilometres north of Niagara Falls. Stay tuned for more developments…


Friday, July 23, 2010

Toronto mayoral candidates call for a boycott on Niagara wines.

"Niagara ads poke fun at Toronto, but city not laughing" – Globe and Mail headline, July 21, 2010


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning political decision, the six leading candidates for Mayor of Toronto have decided to call for a boycott of all Niagara Region wines.

Later on Saturday, they will announce that Torontonians should drink Ontario wines only from Prince Edward County (PEC) and Lake Erie North Shore (LENS) -- in retaliation for the urban sprawl slurs that arose from the Niagara Parks Commission's $300,000 ad campaign encouraging Toronto inhabitants to flee the city for the calmer Niagara Region.

Smirked one of the candidates: "Niagara Falls? Don't they have the slogan 'The Town Lower Than Toronto'?

"The Commission", said a parks spokesperson, "will take another look at the ads." The matter will be raised with commission managers. There is a possibility that the region may retaliate by dissing and trashing PEC and LENS wines. This would bring out all of the VQA inspectors and troops.

The mayoral candidates were also shocked to discover that the parks commission is a Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province. Said one, "That says it all: puts them in the same league as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario. No Clown, er, Crown Corporation is worth the paper that its legislative statute is printed on."

Subsequently, the GTA branch of the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association decided to boycott writing about any Niagara wines, including CellaredinCanada™ product and Freggie™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine. "The power of the press will speak," said one wine hack.

More on all the dissing and trashing as this story unfolds…


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Liberals kill eco levies, blame GOSH for spreading bad news.



TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning admission of defeat, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has today announced the cancellation of all eco levies. The Minister of the Environment admitted that the plan to add eco levies to the sale of alcohol was "not very well-thought out".

The Ontario government has now blamed the whole matter on GOSH Wine News Services. Up for the high jump are top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby and GOSH founder, Dean Tudor. "But we are just the messengers!" they exclaimed.

The Minister went on to say, "I don't know who leaked this to GOSH Wine News Services, but I'll get them if it's the last thing I do!"

According to reliable sources, the reportage by GOSH Wine News Services on Sunday July 18, 2010, blew the lid off the surreptitious activity of blending and hiding the eco levies within the general HST increases on the sales of bottles of alcoholic beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, was forced to re-calculate all of its prices on Dollarama-bought abacuses because they had a brownout blamed on the blown fuses that occurred when the LCB found out what it had to do – with no overtime compensation.

Held without bail but pleading the example of Lord Konrad Black, both Grimsby and Tudor looked gleeful as they knew they had brought a government to its knees by divulging the fact that the government had placed alcohol into the hazardous waste category, hoping to make a few extra bucks (see previous news story, Sunday July 18 at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com/2010/07/gosh-new-eco-levies-fees-or-taxes-to-be.html).

Little Fat Wino has agreed to start up a legal defence fund, beginning with a dynamic, open-to-the-public tasting of diverse hazardous wastes from both Bordeaux and Ontario. Profits will go to the Wine Writers Defence Fund, now being administered by the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association. There is also some talk of a baked goods sale built around maderized wine.

Once again, the power of the press (and GOSH Wine News Services) has been demonstrated by the brave actions of just a few people. Deeds like these need to be exposed, and GOSH Wine News Services will continue to leak what it can, when it can, and to who it can.

More on this story as it unfolds…we will NOT go away…


Sunday, July 18, 2010

GOSH: New eco levies: fees or taxes to be applied to alcohol beverages?

With the launch of Stewardship Ontario's new eco fees on thousands of household products – fees that came into effect without the knowledge of most Ontarians on July 1, and which were rolled out on the same day as the unpopular Harmonized Sales Tax – Stewardship Ontario is at the centre of a public battle. – News story


TRAWNA – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that the Liberal government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in its desperate grab for more money to pay down debts and to continue to offer sub-par services, is about to declare alcohol a hazardous product, and thus subject to the new "eco fees".

Apparently, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, have been completely blind-sided by this announcement.

Said a reliable source, "We know alcohol is hazardous, but to impose extra fees on its use is ridiculous. Doesn't the government know that people will simply stop buying LCB products and move on to moonshine?" Disappointment was keenly felt in his quavering voice…

It will have consumers raging, and politicians, no matter their party, will be slinging mud. Stewardship Ontario, charged with the responsibility to police the eco levies on hazardous products, will apply to the LCB to jack up their prices.

The big question is: are the eco levies a fee or are they a tax? If they are a fee, then the LCB can mark-up the product and collect extra money through this new mark-up. If they are a tax, then the extra money will be added on at the end, presumably before HST. And the Liberal government will then be guilty of raising new taxes – which is what they have always promised not to do.

Under the present pricing policy of the LCB, fees are marked up but taxes are not. Fees will cause the price of alcohol to rise dramatically, while taxes will be just a moderate increase. The quandary will land either the LCB or the Liberal government in hot water with the public. The oddsmakers are calling for a "fee", which may raise the price of alcohol by as much as $6.66 a bottle.

Brett Grimsby, our top investigative wine reporter, has further learned that Stewardship Ontario -- a government-created, government regulated non-profit mandated with limiting hazardous waste -- will be releasing a statement after the close of business today. "We've listened to consumers, and we have heard them loud and clear. We've started taking steps to ensure that people have a better understanding of our programs and the ways they are funded. We are advising the government that they cannot charge eco fees in excess of Stewardship Ontario's guidelines."

The Progressive Conservatives have loudly denounced the alcohol fees as a tax grab approved by the Liberal government of A Have-Not Province.

Apparently, public relations firms are lining up to bid for damage control contracts…


Monday, July 12, 2010

GOSH: CellaredinCanada(TM) wines to be gold standard in taste tests.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – There's a stunning new development in the wine world: apparently, selected Ontario CellaredinCanada™ wines will be chosen as the benchmark wines for all blind international competitions involving a test component. This will apply to all Master of Wine and Master Sommelier tastings, as well as WSET runoffs and diploma levels.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

CellaredinCanada™ wines are known for their complexity and lack of somewhereness. Indeed, they are "nowhereness" wines completely devoid of terroir. But certain elements can be picked out by the Supertasters, and these are the palates being eagerly sought by the MW and MS testing/tasting panels.

Apparently, the ability to spot a Hungarian merlot or a Chilean cabernet within the mounds of flavours in a CellaredinCanada™ wine will be the determining factor in any final MW/MS test. Some tasters, the Elite, may even be able to pick out the hybrids used in the Ontario component.

In case of ties, the MW/MS wannabe must be able to pull out the stretch water component, and figure out how much it is by volume.

The Ontario CellaredinCanada(TM) wine will be the new gold standard in wine tasting and palate testing.

Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable wine, has no stretch water component. It exhibits great fruit and veggie character. But unfortunately, it also has no grapes in it. So it is ineligible. The company is appealing the ruling.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, has decided not to comment so long as the full taxes on the Ontario part of the CellaredinCanada™ product have been paid.

More on this story as it develops…


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"Damages" to set up production in Toronto, feature Ontario sales distribution

HOLLYWOOD – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In breaking news today, top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has learned that the American television cable company FX, in partnership with Sony Pictures, has extended the lifespan of the reality law TV show, "Damages" (starring Glenn Close and Rose Byrne).

The TV production will come back for a Fourth Season with the story arc proposed by Line Bryan, the noted Canadian politician-turned-lobbyist. "We need some television production up here," said Bryan, "and what better way than to set the whole plot in Canada, right here in Ontario, A Have-Not Province."

Co-funding will be arranged by Line Bryan and supplied by the Ontario wine industry; it is expected to cost millions of dollars. Concessions were made by all government levels. But it will be shown on the Foxy Wine News Network when it comes onstream later in the year.

Patty Hewes (played by Close) will be leading a class action law suit against the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, a Clown, er, Crown Corporation, that would effectively broker the sale of the LCBO into private hands. "The good people of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, should not be deprived of their daily government-produced toddy, but it should be available at a cheaper price" says Bryan who was speaking from experience. "I know how governments work, and how easy it is to fool politicians. Been there, done that, wrote the book."

The 13 scripts in the arc will be based on both real and imagined court cases as they cover the Cellared in Canada series of wrangles, the intra-provincial barriers to free trade in wine, the VQA regulations, access to consumers by Ontario wineries [with product placement], the mark-up policies, farmers' markets as wine outlets, the environmental issues, the fruit wine issues, labelling requirements, the government monopoly, the HST affair, and so forth.

But usually the arcs have twists in them, so don't be surprised if suddenly the LCBO is sold without Patty knowing about it, and sides become switched. Expect the head of the LCBO to collude with Hewes – or not.

According to Line Bryan, there's enough material here for several years worth of stories.

More on this idea as it develops…