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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Canadian Zombie Gene isolated, to be spliced into Canadian grapes

VIAGRA FAILS – (GOSH News Services) – Scientists at Vineland Research Station today announced that they have isolated the Canadian Zombie gene.


This DNA product, responsible for so many Canadian somnolent activities, will begin to be available for genetically-modified grapes in an attempt to calm down the hot – the very hot – "Cellared in Canada" wine program.


To quote Harley Crusted, owner of the vast Pandemic ("we source grapes from everywhere") Winery: "This is a boon to the Ontario wine industry. With this GM grape, we can not only solve the woes of the Canadian auto industry, but we can further stretch our supplies of the "Cellared in Canada" program. As I understand it, the zombie gene will only be spliced into those grapes that we use for this program. We won't dicker with the VQA grapes – they're our bread and butter and cannot be staked. The zombie has eluded us for many vintages, but at last it is within our grasp!"


When asked to explain why the gene was developed, a senior government administrative researcher, who did not want to be named because s/he was a source too familiar with the activities, said:


"Well, we thought that the "Cellared in Canada" wine program was setting the country on edge, creating a bit of a buzz and ADD. After all, in certain years, these wines can be 99% by volume from a hot Latin country, and that can lead to all kinds of crazy things. You know how stirred up those revolutionaries can be. The wine appeared to be making people sit up and take notice of their surroundings. We thought it was time to calm things down a little, to placate the people, to return them to responsible citizenship. The Canadian zombie gene, unique to this country, is the appropriate carrier in returning citizens to sensibilities and responsibilities."


An accelerated production program with more vineyard workers means that this gene can be spliced in time for the 2009 harvest. Ironically, this will now mean full employment for Canadian zombies…


More on this story after Hallowe'en…



Saturday, October 25, 2008

GOSH: Vincor to release high end wines in tetra paks

NIAGARA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning decision reluctantly announced today by Vincor, A Constellation Company, it appears that The Grand Closer Dan will soon be available in tetra paks. The wine, slated to be released in the Classics Catalogue in November, will retail for $65 (Chardonnay) and $70 (Pinot Noir) a 750 mL carton, making it the highest priced carton available anywhere on the planet. The words "blanc" and "rouge" will appear on the appropriate label. The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, dissatisfied with the slowness of the greening of Ontario wineries, has stated that Vincor, A Constellation Company, should make a better corporate Canadian statement about being green.


A spokesperson for the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, said: "The sustainable environment of the recycling climate must be a commitment. If Vincor, A Constellation Company, can produce "Cellared in Canada" product in tetra paks, and if their partner Boisset, La Famille Des Grands Vins, can do the same with French PlayBunny, then together they could make a high end wine to kick start the green wine movement in Ontario. We owe it to the good people of Ontario, A Have Not Province."


As an added enticement to Vincor, A Constellation Company, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, has allowed declassified Dan to be offered as a rose blend, called Fausse Danielle. It too would be in tetra paks, retailing at about $25 a carton.


When asked to comment on why Vincor, A Constellation Company, is doing this green release, another spokesperson for the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, replied: "Because we asked them to. Plain and simple."  Top officials at Vincor, A Constellation Company, remained tip-lipped, and would not speak to the media.


More as this story develops…


Saturday, October 18, 2008

GOSH: Investigative wine journalist reveals shocking news about the "Cellared in Canada" program.

GOSH: Investigative wine journalist reveals shocking news about the "Cellared in Canada" program.


TORONTO –  Last week's revelation from Health Canada and the LCBO that high levels of melamine were found in "Cellared in Canada" red wines (Lot Number #A100F) sent top wine investigative reporter Moe Mentum off to dig deeper. He asked: what was melamine doing in bulk wine? He found that the same lot number was used by every one of the many wineries in the "Cellared in Canada" program. Apparently, while lot numbers on imported wines are constantly being surveyed, noted, scrutinized, and commented on, nobody had ever thought to cross-check the lot numbers on the "Cellared in Canada" wines.


As we all know, "Cellared in Canada" product is allowed to be a minimum of 70% imported wine, but its contents could go as high as 99% imported wines. So long as it has 1% "Canadian content" it can be called "Product of Canada" and not be classified as imported wine.


In a stunning discovery, Moe Mentum found that the melamined wine could be traced directly to a night-tanker from China which had slipped into a quay on the West Coast. This quay also serves as the main entry for all bulk wines from abroad. It was this tanker that provided the wine for lot #A100F. Since every "Cellared in Canada" red wine had the same lot number for this tanker, Mr. Mentum did the math, cross-checked all the other lot numbers with other tankers, and concluded that every single red wine in the "Cellared in Canada" program comes from tankers in this quay. In other words, ALL of the "Cellared in Canada" wines are EXACTLY the same, with the same taste profiles. It doesn't matter what the label states: a cabernet is the same as a shiraz is the same as a pinot noir. In a remarkable disclosure, Mr. Mentum found that no wine writer had actually tasted and compared these wines; they were not in a position to alert the public to their commonality. The only difference is the lot numbers which vary from tanker to tanker, and which must appear, by law, on every "Cellared in Canada" package. Thus, lot #A100F (from China) appeared on every red wine package from such re-sellers as Pandemic Winery and Erehwon Winery Estates and other big wineries during the September 3 to September 17 time period. That lot had been the subject of a recall.


White wines are apparently treated in the same manner, while roses result from the improper switching of the siphon hoses from red containers to white containers, and vice versa. This has created, unfortunately, variable amounts of rose in the "Cellared in Canada" program. Trying to be helpful in re-connecting to her Canadian roots, Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin wondered: "Can't we build a bridge to that thing, that quay? It would be easier to get there and correct the siphons."


If it were not for this accidental discovery of the melamine levels in some of the "Cellared in Canada" wines, then we might never have known that Canada's largest winemakers were fantasizing the labels on their "Cellared in Canada" product. The WCO was shocked to discover that the wines were all the same. A spokesperson said: "I guess the addition of 1% real Canadian wine had no effect on the taste." A member of the Wine Writer's Circle confessed: "By and large, wine writers don't taste the Cellared series. We have our palates and taste buds to protect, so we don't really know what goes on with the Cellared program."


The vigilance of the LCBO's testing laboratories has once again saved the day for true Canadian wine drinkers.



Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ontario Licensed Wine Writers to receive 10% discount for wine purchases in Ontario

From our GOSH Wine News Services --
TORONTO -- (GOSH) -- Mitigating its recent hard stance on licensing wine writers, the LCBO today adopted a new policy of allowing licensed wine writers a 10% discount on all wine purchases made in the province of Ontario. This includes both domestic and imported wines, made from any source including non-grape fruit. This discount is viewed as a perk of licensed membership.
There are several conditions.
Licensed wine writers must present an inventory booklet at POS, and have it checked off into the LCBO's computers. Regulations will allow a pro-rated sale of two bottles a day, one for each member of a couple. Licensed writers will have to prove that they are in some kind of a relationship in order to quality for the discount on the second bottle. And terminations of relationships must be reported at once. On this basis, licensed wine writers will be eligible for the discount on a maximum of either 365 (366 in Leap Years) bottles or 730 (732 in Leap Years) bottles a year.
Also, the discount will be reported by the LCBO computers to the Federal government as part of a T5 slip for additional revenue; the licensed writers MUST declare this amount as extra income, and will thus be taxable.
The discount, of course, does not apply to the twenty-cent bottle deposit, nor to beers and spirits -- unless the wine writer can prove that, on a proportional basis, he or she also writes about beers and spirits. A separate application must be made in conjunction with the beer writers.
A spokesperson for the LCBO said: "The 10% discount actually will come out of the supplier's profit or agency fee, and not from the LCBO. Our computers can shift money around like that. Thus, this discount will not, I emphasize, NOT take away any of the funds or revenue streams that we so proudly give to the Ontario government each year."
Developing..stay tuned...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Slinging Juice

For a less mischievous humour wine blog, check out the sterling

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Wine Review Generator

For a refreshing series of wine tasting notes, try:

Saturday, October 4, 2008

GOSH: LCBO Announces Winner of Its Song Contest

This just in from our GOSH news services ---


TORONTO – Today, the LCBO has announced the winner of its new participatory contest to find a song or jingle that reflects the LCBO's latest endeavour: reaching out to the community.


An unnamed source in the External Relations department at the LCBO confirmed the dismal failure of the province-wide search for a motto that would have been incorporated into the song. Several suggestions had included "Hell No We Won't Go", "Liquor for Life", and "Liquor is Quicker", but the LCBO felt that the tone was unacceptable for the modern lifestyle.


"We decided to scrap the motto and open it up to a song or jingle. Rather than go through the expensive advertising and search process, we just sifted through the 14,685 rejects from the Hockey Night in Canada theme song contest. We certainly saved a bundle in costs, and these savings will be passed along to our customers in the form of value added attractions, such as a larger and better Food and Drink magazine."


The spokesperson went on: "The rejects seemed to have some bona fide musical ideas, but the winning entry wanted too much money in residuals, being tied to a flat fee for every bottle sold in Ontario. We felt that this mill rate was too high, and that it exceeded even our executives' compensation packages."


Apparently, the next idea was to approach pop music critics in order to adapt an existing song. Within ten minutes, the LCBO had its song, and within an hour, they had sealed the deal with the Village People's music publisher.


The LCBO's spokesperson said: "It seemed to be a no-brainer. I don't know why we didn't think of it before, but "Y-M-C-A" is perfect. Everybody knows the tune, everybody knows the lyrics, and everybody knows the movements. We just changed a few words around. The song is now known as "L-C-B-O". We initially had some problems with the "B" shape – who hasn't? – but we solved that one by hiring a twelve year old unemployed Chinese gymnast who had been let go from the Olympic team because she was too old. In fact, we had her demonstrate all of the movements for a new DVD of the song that we will be including with the Holiday edition of Food and Drink. It's a shame that we can't use the word "Christmas" any more, but that's life in the 21st century."


Typical lyrics read:


                  You can drink there, and I'm sure you will find

                  Many ways to have a good time.


                  It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o.


                  And just go there, to the l.c.b.o

                  I'm sure they can help you whoa-oh-oh-oh





Friday, October 3, 2008

Cooking With Balls: World's first testicle recipe book

Cooking With Balls: World's first testicle recipe book
By Alastair Jamieson

A chef is publishing a book of recipes for cooking with testicles.

> Hailed as the world's first recipe collection of its kind, Cooking With
> Balls includes testicle pizza, battered testicles and and barbecued
> testicles with giblets.
> Ljubomir Erovic, the chef behind the book, said testicles are rich in
> testosterone and are believed to be a powerful aphrodisiac in China as
> well as his homeland of Serbia.

More at ...
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3121465/Cooking-With-Balls-Worlds-first-testicle-recipe-book.htmlChimo! www.deantudor.com

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Rejected New Zealand wine going cheap

A New Zealand wine rejected by European buyers because of its high metal
content is being sold at knock-down prices in New World and Pak'n Save

Last year, Martinborough-based Te Kairanga winery had a 4000-case shipment
of its 2006 pinot noir returned after its German buyer discovered the wine's
copper content exceeded European standards.

Copper sulphate or copper citrate is often added to wine to eliminate
sulphurous odours produced during fermentation, but in this instance too
much was added.

More at


Chimo! www.deantudor.com