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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

GOSH/FOXY Wine News: Red-Light District Approved by Ontario Government, LCBO HQ moves.

City Councillor Mammoliti sees Toronto Islands as top choice for a red-light district. – Toronto Star, March 23, 2011.



TORONTO – (GOSH Wine News Services/FOXY Wine News Network North) – In a stunning announcement to be made later today, Premier Grate McGinty of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will endorse Councillor Mammoliti's concept for a series of clubs and brothels on the Toronto Islands.


"We welcome this as a terrific fund-raising activity for the multiple benefits of government subsidization to the good people of Toronto. This should help them manage their $750-million shortfall in the 2012 budget – and get us off the hook before the October election."


At the same time, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er Clone, er Crown Corporation, will be moving its antiquated headquarters away from Lake Shore Boulevard to the newly created tenderloin district. Said a spokesperson, "The need for a new building, coupled with a need to be closer to the prime source of income, makes it incumbent that we go where the traffic is. We will be even better situated to remain completely insular."


"Our new HQ," said another spokesperson, "will have state-of-the art furnishings and reception areas, as well as 2012-style cubicles for staff. Every bit of the gravy inherent in new government buildings will be missing from this one."


Visitors to the new headquarters will be provided with a customized skiff (named "Tender Loin") that will ferry agents, staff, copious red wine for the loins, and media between the mainland and the red-wine-red-light district. It will stop when required at the floating casino in the harbour.


More on this story as it evolves…



Saturday, March 12, 2011

GOSH: Mayor Ford Pinto to privatize some Toronto LCBO stores

Ford to privatize Toronto Community Housing Corp.? "Absolutely" – headline in Toronto Star, March 3, 2011.



TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services) has just learned that Mayor Ford Pinto has been working on a plan to privatize LCBO stores within the boundaries of the City of Toronto.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


The plan is apparently a simple one, even for Mayor Pinto. Toronto needs revenue and Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has just turned down a request for more funds.


"Here's what we're gonna do because I say so: we're gonna privatize all the retail stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province – but only EAST of Yonge Street. It'll be a perfect fit with our waste management program which will only run WEST of Yonge Street. Got that? Nobody will even notice the difference in the sale of booze, but the city of Toronto will reap immense sources of revenue. After all, I'm 300 pounds of fun!"


When questioned why EAST of Yonge, Brother Doug the Elder added: "It makes perfect sense. All of the spending is here. Store 10 at Scrivener Square, Store 217 at Queen's Quay, Store 355 at Bayview Village – they all offer between 1701 and 2000 Vintages products plus In-Store Discoveries. They're EAST of Yonge. There's nothing comparable in the west end. There's not a single store west of Yonge offering more than 1700 Vintages products. I looked it up; it's a public document in every bi-weekly Vintages catalogue."


"We've done the math," Mayor Pinto said. "We are prepared. The heavy drinking is EAST of Yonge. That's where we're gonna go. Contracts will be let out to the private sector to run the stores at a slight profit with markups moving to the city coffers."


Added Brother Doug the Elder, "Hey – my brother Pinto now has a 72 percent approval rating – he can do whatever he wants! Grate McGinty is at 16 percent. He has to heel to our commands, so far as Toronto is concerned."


Enabling legislation declaring the Toronto stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, an "essential service" is expected by the end of March.


More on this story about Ford Pinto Nation as it happens…