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******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Ford Pinto`s Agenda

This just in, to GOSH Wine News Services --
We have just learned that Ford Pinto`s agenda, on which he has been beaverishly working in preparation for the day when he assumes office, will contain, among other things, the addition of "gravy" to the all-fruit, all-vegetable Freggie(TM) wine. This version of Freggie(TM) will only be available for sale within the City of Toronto as it offends both PETA and vegans, prime targets of Ford Pinto.
Freggie (TM) Toronto Subway Train, as it will be known, will be marketed as "Freggie(TM) Train:  the gravy taste drinkers can't wait to finish"
The gravy train aspect of Freggie(TM) has been widely rumoured for some time, since it is the leading all-fruit, all-vegetable wine in Ontario and hence susceptible to smear and negative marketing campaigns.
More on this story after the announcement of Ford Pinto's agenda...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

BATF Report on Wine, via the Internet

From the Internet, decades ago...updated by me.




Fully automatic - a bottle designed to be emptied at one sitting without
reclosing (also known as "cork-closure")

Semi-automatic - a bottle designed to be reclosed and poured
again (also known as "screw-top")

Assault bottle - a fully automatic high-capacity bottle
(street slang: "jug" or "magnum")

Hand bottle - a small, easily-concealed bottle, flask, or horn

Saturday Night Special - an inexpensive wine with high alcohol
content (such as Mad Dog 20-20)


Wine devotees have created the NRA (National Riesling Association) to
present a respectable public facade, as well as to peddle influence
(known in the trade as "juice") to government officials. Controlled by
sinister French, Italian, and Californian families and their hirelings,
the NRA
tries to suppress all reasonable efforts to regulate the wine industry.
They operate covert production facilities in such locations as the
tight basements of private wineries, also known as "caves", where public
scrutiny can easily be avoided.

Through the lavish distribution and use of their "juice", many
and public officials have been co-opted into NRA participation. The
activities of such fellow-travellers as Wilbur Mills, Dean Martin and
Dudley Moore are well-documented, and need no elaboration here. Orson
Welles, before his untimely death from overindulgence in strenuous NRA
training, dared to suggest that wine consumption was part of a healthy,
quality lifestyle. Senator Ted Kennedy had been known, on numerous
occasions, to engage in pro-wine activities, ultimately leading to
clothing-optional activities. Charlton Heston was another involved


Extremist NRA members join wine militia cells, often referred to as
"tasting groups". Camouflaged in Birkenstocks and Polo shirts, they
in clandestine night-time and weekend maneuvers they innocently call
"horizontals" and "verticals". Militia members have also been observed
purchasing unregistered bottles (usually by the dozen, or "case") from
vendors of dubious repute around the globe, and shipping them illegaly
clandestinely across governmental jurisdictions disguised as "olive oil"
or "auto parts". They unabashedly perform these deeds in full view of
their children, who eventually learn to accept this deviant behavior as

At various times, wine militias have exploited the labor of repressed
people in such countries as Chile, Bulgaria, Slovenia and South Africa
order to satiate the palates of their oppressors.

Some well-to-do wine militia members possess extensive arsenals that
could not possibly consume themselves. They conceal these arsenals in
vast, underground temperature and humidity-controlled bunkers called
cellars", to which they repair with other militia members for lengthy
periods of time during which they admire, fondle, sort, and wax poetic
interminable length about their "collections". They baldly maintain
outsize "collections" are solely for personal "recreational" use.

The most radical militia members practice a frightening survivalist
creed known as "home winemaking". Assaulting governmental authority,
these sociopaths manufacture unsophisticated but powerful wines from
easily-obtained, unregulated ingredients such as Concord grapes
at the local grocery store or grown on their own private property. Their
goal is to inflict their wines on innocent members of the public; given
potential for mayhem this can cause, confrontation with these ultra-
extrmists is to be avoided at all costs. Their products are routinely
condemned even by more mainstream NRA members.


This is a primary indoctrination and training center for the NRA.
Unsuspecting youths, ostensibly enrolling to obtain what is
termed a "higher education", quickly absorb the ideology of their elders
and new masters.

From Davis, zombie-like "graduates" spread fifth-column messages across
country, encoded in shibboleths with such strange appelations as the
unmasked and discredited "AxR 1 rootstock" cipher and "micropore filter"
dogma. There's a reason why a glassy-winged insect is called

Of particular note, one Doctor Noble (we believe this to be an blatantly
assumed aristocratic pseudonym) has contrived a brightly-colored wheel-
shaped plastic plaything to lure ever-younger children into her minions
through the expedient of likening the unpleasantly alcoholic olfactory
sensations of wine to familiar, everyday smells.


Wine militias have shadowy links with many other underground
Among the most blatant examples:

*Chianti is routinely consumed by the "button men" of Sicilian crime
families, who also engage in extortion, gambling, prostitution, drug-
dealing and assassination. The upper echelons of these same families
reported to prefer regular consumption of nebbiolo-based products
over the local primitivos and negro d'amaros.

*The Aryan nation and many skinhead groups are known to drink cheap wine
and other potent alcoholic beverages before engaging in hate crimes.

*Reliable informants have also observed virulently anti-Arab sects using
vast quantities of wine in secret rituals masquerading as religious
ceremonies. Mogen David, which reputedly contains more alcohol per
dollar than any other wine, figures prominently in this subculture.


- Hold vineyards responsible for all crimes and losses caused by
persons consuming the wines they originate
- 5-day waiting period and background check for all wine purchases
- Registration of all hand bottles
- Ban manufacture and importation of assault bottles for civilian use
(Magnums would still be available to law enforcement agencies)
- Ban assault bottle "look-alikes" (such as sparkling cider and near
- Ban mechanical uncorking devices, which allow fully automatic pouring
and have no legitimate sporting purpose
- Ban Saturday night specials (i.e. Mad Dog 20-20, Thunderbird)
- Ban arsenals of more than 10 bottles
- Design all bottles to dispense no more than 2 oz. per pour; the bottle
would have to be raised to dispense another portion
- State-operated wine armories would store bottles for individuals until
they are ready to consume them. Wine tasters would then surrender
drivers licenses until the empty bottle is returned and a satisfactory
blood alcohol check is performed.


Always keep wine locked in a wine jail when not in use
Always store corkscrews separately from bottles
Keep your finger off the corkscrew lever until ready to open
Always aim a bottle in a safe direction (applicable to sparkling wines)
Always treat every bottle as loaded
Always treat every wine taster as loaded


Wine doesn't kill people - people kill people
I'd rather be drinking!
Bottle on Board
I have an honor student at the Cape Wine Academy
Driver only carries $50 worth of cabernet
This car stops for all wine sales!
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
Crime control -- not wine control
Wine tasters do it with their tongues
I'm pro-wine and I vote!
I love my wine, but I fear my government
I'll give up my Dominus when they pry it from my cold, dying hand

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Top Ten Wine Predictions for the Upcoming Decade.

NEWS item: The Globe and Mail, in its eager attempt to drum up specious advertising for a specious audience, has replaced lefty columnist Rick Salutin with a continuing stream of doom and gloom predictions for the next decade. (Oct 9, 2010)




TORONT0 – (GOSH Wine News Services) – On Monday, October 18, 2010, in Prime Time, GOSH Wine Services will unleash its Top Ten Wine Predictions for the upcoming decade, 2011-2020. Full details will be given at the appropriate chronological moment. But Miffed Mole has leaked the top ten:


10. In a stunning switch to implement the new P2P relationship in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, the heads of the LCBO and Constellation Brands will switch for a fiscal year. Bob Peter becomes CEO of Constellation Brands, and Rob Sands becomes CEO of the LCBO. The "Rob and Bob Show" continues with brother Richard Sands assuming the lateral-move to Chairman of the Board position with the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province. It is anticipated that there will be no changes whatsoever, now or in the future.


9. The Vintners' Quality Alliance (VQA) for Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will re-brand itself as the VOCATIONAL QUALIFYING AUTHORITY (VQA) for licenses to winemakers. All Ontario winemakers must now go back to an Ontario wine school in order to obtain professional credentials.


8. Worried over the increase in both wine and bottling prices, Franzia has decided to rename the Charles Shaw brand. The company has apparently decided to use some inferior mediocre wines from the Central Valley rather than seek a price increase. The new name in California will now be Two Buck Upchuck.


7. The Wine Bloggers' Circle of Canada (WBCC) will be pleased to announce the arrival of its one millionth member. There are now more people writing about high quality wines (over $8 at the LCBO) than there are actually consuming them.


6. GOSH Wine News Services will continue its top wine investigations by employing more data-driven journalism, supported by bottle deposits from friends and other writer groups in order to pay for access to documents through the Freedom Of Information Act at the LCBO, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.


5. Realizing that there is a major conflict of interest between regulating and selling beverages in Ontario, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will wisely split up the LCBO into the LCBO and the LCBO. The former LCBO, A Clone, er, Crown Corporation, will regulate the sale of alcohol to the consumer, while the latter LCBO, re-named as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, will become A Clown Corporation, and charged with regulating the sales of all beverages in Ontario (water, alcohol, coffee, soft drinks, apple juice, and more). Each store must hire a Clown to look after the sales.


4. There will continue to be no alcoholic beverages sold at Farmers' Markets until after the year 2020. Non-VQA wineries will continue to be prohibited from using the word "Ontario" on their labels. In fact, regulations for non-VQA wines will be further tightened so that there will be no words on the label that relate to identifying where the wine was made. Fruit wineries of Ontario will continue to beat their heads against the walls of the government.


3. The Wine Writers' Circle of Canada will set up a wine wiki site, the be-all and end-all of wine knowledge.


2. Because of the new Transparency Act in Ontario, the cash register receipt from the LCBO will be unbundled. This paper will reveal the true taxes and fees, mark-ups, laboratory testing costs, shipping, and the like. GOSH Wine News Services predicts that once the public knows about the changes, there will be riots in the streets and SWAT teams will be needed to protect LCBO stores and its employees.


And the Number One Wine Prediction for the upcoming 2011-2020 decade? -- drum roll please --


Number One:     


To the Liberal Government's embarrassment, people will actually start talking about the STRETCH WATER COMPONENT of Ontario wines. On this one issue, they cannot be shut up. Their motto – "Water Forever" – rings from the rooftops and surrounds Bay Street. There is even a Stretch Water Party (SWAP) led by Ms. Euphrasie Cosette who predicts victory on October 6, 2011!!!



Monday, October 11, 2010

GOSH: LCBO-SAQ Liaison to Wholesale Alcohol.

News Item: The SAQ is venturing outside its borders as a wholesaler (Globe and Mail, Oct 5, 2010).



TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Tomorrow the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, will be announcing that it is joining its colleague Societe des Alcools du Quebec in venturing outside its own borders as a wholesaler, carrying hefty pricing power given that it is already a major buyer.


An emergency sitting of the penurious Ontario Have-Not Legislature will be called to pass yet another law (readers may remember last week's Transparency Act) in an attempt to generate more revenues for its treasury. The new law will allow the LCBO to compete as a wholesaler on global markets and as a supplier of Ontario alcoholic beverages.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.


Said an LCBO source, "We're doing this as a 50-50 partnership with our labour union. OPSEU will be doing the initial funding, and we will be doing the initial wholesaling and retailing. We look forward to years of labour peace and quiet at the LCBO, now that we have involved the union as an equal stakeholder."


By wholesaling, the LCBO hopes to eliminate the agency system and become a liquor giant like Tesco in the UK or Costco in the US. In essence, it will be buying alcohol for its own retailing. New names for the wholesaler, operating under license to the LCBO, have been suggested to match Tesco, such as Libco.


But some wags have suggested that Libco means "Liberal company". The LCBO strongly denies this, and said it just means "Liquor Board Company."


As for the Ontario wine business, the LCBO will be the chief supplier of the stretch water component that goes into the CellaredinCanada™ product. Said a spokesperson, "We know where all the taps are, we've got RFID on all of them, and Ontario wineries must only use OUR taps which are metered."


The LCBO in the water business? Anything is possible in the beverage alcohol world.


More on this story as it taps out…


Saturday, October 2, 2010

GOSH: Transparency Act to apply to Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario

TRAWNA – Gosh Wine News Services has just learned that the Ontario Legislature will begin an immediate emergency sitting to quickly pass the Ontario Transparency Act (colloquially known as the "Glasshouse Bill"). This has resulted from the Review Inquiry into the Office of the Ombudsman. That Inquiry had called for transparency at every level in all of the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, dealings with the public.

Complying with the impending legislation will be the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province.

Said a spokesperson, "The easiest way to do this would be simply to post on the website the overall policies regarding how the mark-ups and taxes are arrived at. Then, we would list the individual components for each and every base FOB price, fee, tax, cartage, mark-up, assorted levels of eco-levies, profit to the agent, HST and the like. This laundry ticket of breakout, so common with energy and communication bills, will be made and posted for every one of the thousands of products that we have in inventory."

Also in the works is a breakout on your cash register bill. The LCB is borrowing Canada Post software in order to modify it and reproduce the section that keeps adding to the bill by listing the various fees and taxes.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

With transparency, CellaredinCanada™ wines will sell for 75 cents a bottle (plus mark-ups, levies, fees, taxes, deposits, etc). The average price for modest Argentine wines will be $1.50, while regular wines will be about $2 a bottle. It is expected that VQA wines will begin at $2.25 a bottle.

Said a reliable source at the LCB: "We'll soon have the cheapest prices for wines in North America. Nobody can beat us. Noooooooo-body!"