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Sunday, April 24, 2011

GOSH: Geneticists to splice new genes into Canadian grapes.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network was stunned to learn earlier today that Frankenwines are on their way to Canada.


No, not wines from Franken Haut-Rhin in Germany. Frankenwines, as in Frankenstein…


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


The top secret scientific enclave in the wine world, centered at the Canadian Wine Research Institute in Saskatchewan, has apparently been hard at work developing new genes for splicing into grapes, to make the grape more wine-worthy.


They've managed to create a grape with the Canadian zombie gene, the one that makes you return to the store to buy much more of the same wine.


From Steven Harper's DNA (which is apparently freely available for cloning purposes from the Conservative Party of Canada) the engineers have spliced in the cold gene to automatically create Icewine grapes, no matter what global warming climate change is doing. They have also combined the Canadian zombie gene with the Harper gene to create a demand for more Icewine among Canadians.


But the triumph may be with the geneticists who have now spliced in the oak gene to red wine grapes. This will save wineries about $1500 a barrel, barrels that they will no longer need to purchase, and allow them to reduce prices.


All new genetically-modified wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.


More on this story as it develops…


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