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Sunday, September 13, 2009

GOSH: Sillyballs to buy "Cellared in Canada" brand, re-locate to Hamilton.

NEWS ITEM:  Jim Balsillie's bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move them to Southern Ontario appeared to take a hit late Friday when representatives for the biggest creditor in the bankruptcy case said they backed the NHL's offer to take over the club. The process began in early May when Balsillie agreed to buy the franchise out of bankruptcy from Coyotes owner Jerry Moyes and move it to Hamilton, Ont. -- CBC Sports


TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning announcement today, billionaire James Sillyballs has proclaimed that he has bought the rights to a "Cellared in Canada" brand from the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines. He will immediately move the brand to Hamilton, increase its Canadian content to 51%, decrease its price, and change the label's typeface to a larger and more readable font to stress "truth in labelling".


In addition, he said at the press conference held in Niagara-on-the-Lake (admittedly, hostile territory, but then he does have the silly balls to do it), "We're going to proudly label this sucker so the Canadian consumer knows its origins. We're labelling it: "51% Ontario grown fruit", and to hell with the legislation prohibiting the use of the word Ontario.


"We're open for business – we'll be buying grapes from all over the province. If we are successful, we can up the percentage content to maybe 60 – 75% Ontario fruit.


"And yes, we're going to be in every market that VQA is. I will personally visit every LCBO, A Crown Corporation, outlet in this have-not province, inspecting the shelf location of my Cellared in Canada (CIC) wine.


"We expect to re-brand the wine to conform to other animal labels. So far our marketing department is wavering between "Phoenix" and "Coyote". Expect an announcement soonest."


When asked to comment, many grape growers were pleased that they will be able to sell their grapes instead of having them die on the vine. "Sillyballs rescued us just in time – we couldn't go through another year of losing money."


At the same time, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, was enthusiastic: "Hey, whatever it takes to sell wine and make money for the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. We'll comply with whatever he offers us."


The Ontario Wine Council, unlike the NHL, immediately invited Sillyballs to apply for membership, while the VQA was not amused. The OVA, through its Little Fat Wino spokesperson, has offered Sillyballs first rights to Freggie™ the all-Ontario fruit and vegetable wine. Sillyballs said that he would consider it. "I love carrots", he remarked.


More on this Cellared in Canada story as it develops…



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