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Monday, December 21, 2009

GOSH: Little Fat Wino Inc. to market Cellared in Canada wines.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning new development today, Little Fat Wino Inc. is allegedly buying all the marketing rights to "Cellared in Canada" wines from the Big Seven members of the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACICW).


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.


Grimsby reveals: Apparently, Little Fat Wino Inc. is poised to sweep down on the impending fire sale (or firewater sale, as some would say) of LCBO asses. The Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has mandated that Ontario-owned asses should be covered and then be sold in order to help pay down the massive $24.7 billion debt that Ontario, A Have-Not Province, enjoys. The asses sale does not cover fruit wineries, who are otherwise known as stubborn mules. This is all part of the Liberal Party's "Cover Your Ass" campaign.


Secretly, Little Fat Wino Inc. has been storing up bottle deposits from friendly citizens all across the province, including a few well-known wine writers who get several scores of product samples. LFW Inc. apparently now has enough money to buy some asses from the LCBO. More details on covering asses can be found at www.littlefatwino.com.


LFW Inc. will use these asses as "mobile stores", conveying Cellared in Canada product to the Ontario masses (another form of asses, not related to the Masseys). LFW Inc. hopes to avoid real estate fees, land transfer taxes, property taxes, utility bills, and refurbishing costs by simply saddling up the CIC product to the asses, and marketing them to the huddled masses on the streets and trailer parks of Ontario.


This conveyance will result in the addition of "sweaty saddles" to the flavour profiles of red CIC wines. Unfortunately, because of limited space, fruit wines will not be carried by the asses – not even the ever-popular Freggie ™.


More on this asinine development as it happens…



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