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Thursday, December 10, 2009

GOSH: Tiger Woods Press Conference to Announce New Wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH has just learned that today, Friday, at 5 PM, after the markets close, Tiger Woods will be holding a Press Conference. This will be his first public address since his "accident".


Brett Grimsby has been following this latest development, and he files this story:


Apparently, in an attempt to shore up his legal defence funds for payoffs, Tiger Woods will be joining his other golf celebrity friends in opening a winery bearing his name. Unfortunately, with the short lead time, he cannot wait for his vines to mature nor contract out the production of wines to his specifications. The best he is able to do is to cobble together a "Cellared in Canada" selection, using existing blends and cuvees from what is available in Canada.


His new wine, which he will be endorsing along with an embroidered patch he'll wear on his golf shirts, will fit into the critter mode and be labelled "Cheetah in the Rough", with pix of the Queen of Sheba riding the critter full tilt. The words "Cellared in Canada" will be renamed (with the grovelling approval of the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines) "Laid in Canada".


The wines, from his holding corporation Transgressions Inc., are expected to be a full range of reds, suitable for laying down, while the whites will be for immediate consumption. The rose series will also be branded, "Maid in Canada". There could be up to eleven of these new wines, but definitely six. The numbers change as new sources come forward.


Initially, all of the "Laid in Canada" wines will be offered only to Casinos, and there will be professional seminars to show the cocktail waitresses how to get properly laid in Canada -- it'll all be in the pour.


Some of the blend in the "Laid in Canada" series will be an energy drink to replace the stretch water component (which, as readers will note from a previous posting, resulted in the fall of the Liberal government in Ontario, A Have-Not Province). And so once again, Ontario fruit wines have been shafted out of any revenue-generating products.


More on this interesting new development as it unfolds…



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