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Thursday, February 4, 2010

GOSH: LCBO asset sale off the table, to be re-branded.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning about face, the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) has not only taken the sale of  the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (A Crown Corporation) off the table but also has enlarged its scope.


Heading into an election next year, the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) has re-branded the LCBO. It is to be known as the LCBO, that is, the "Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario". The expectation is that the Liberal party will receive a higher profile.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.


The Grate McGinty is set to announce tomorrow after the markets have closed that the Government of Ontario will begin to nationalize through provincialization the sales of ALL beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province.


The Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will begin to expropriate all the properties and beverages involved with Starbucks, Second Cup, Tim Horton, Timothy's and other small fry (including some convenience stores), in a massive real estate deal designed to prop up the Ontario (A Have-Not Province) economy.


Said a source at the soon-to-be-former LCBO (A Crown Corporation): "We're only doing this for environmental reasons. Our mandate now is to actually consolidate ALL the beverage vessels in Ontario for re-cycling and re-use, centralizing the deposit return structure through one location: the beer stores. That's the rationale behind our M & A.


"Soon, you'll be able to return your Timmie cups, lids, water bottles, pop bottles, PC containers, whatever, to your local beer store for a return of the quarter deposit. Oh, didn't I say that we're also putting up the deposit fee to 25 cents? It now applies to every beverage bought in the province. The extra money from forgetful consumers will help pay for body and luggage scans of travellers coming in from outside Ontario, those who would be tempted to bring all their empties with them into this glorious province in order to collect the return deposit. You can thank Seinfeld for that one. We'll nail the suckers. Any other monies accruing will be used to pay down the $24.7 billion deficit."


As always, Fruit Wines of Ontario have been shut out of the action. Miffed Mole said that the LCBO still doesn't consider wines made from fruit to be a beverage; therefore, it has been excluded from the distribution/delivery system and will continue to not be a part of the new, enlarged and engorged Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).


More on these developments at the new LCBO as they evolve…


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