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Saturday, August 28, 2010

GOSH: LCBO to sell itself to Ontarians

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Unbelievable as it may seem, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province is poised to sell itself.


Our top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.


Apparently, the LCBO has plans to sell all of itself to The Good People of Ontario. Rather than issue stocks and bonds, and present Bay Street with an IPO of immense proportions, the LCBO proposes to add $5 to the price of every single item it offers for sale.


The $5 will be equal to one share in the new company, to be known as The Liquor Board Owned by the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province (LBOGPO, pronounced "leeboogeepoo"). Each purchase will buy one share. As proof of purchase, just simply hang on to your bottles.


Of course, you will have to forego the deposit, so the actual purchase price is ten or twenty cents more. That's about the same as brokerage fees, but it does seem to be a new fundraising attempt by the current LCBO.


Initially, dividends will not be paid out. Instead, they will be re-invested into research and more quality findings to protect the Good People of Ontario.


Said a spokesperson from the LCBO: "We hope to issue enough stock at five bucks a throw to make us all appreciated for what we are doing: opening up the LCBO for business and ownership in Ontario for Ontarians, The Good People. Eventually, everybody in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will actually own a piece -- or more -- of the LCBO, and someday we will even begin paying dividends, maybe even cashing in bottle deposits."


Effectively barred from purchasing stock in the new LBOGPO are those who have been punched drunk by the older LCBO system of Green Permit tracking, people under 19, and professionally-paid-wine-writers-who-may-now-through-no-fault-of-their-own-have-a-serious-conflict-of-interest. These groups are planning to launch lawsuits citing discrimination. The issue is especially serious for the writers since they will now be unable to buy product to write about.


The plan is scheduled to take effect whenever The Grate McGinty approves the enabling legislation before the 2011 election. The derelict bottle collectors are expected to have a field day.


In anticipation of the legislation, however, the LCBO will begin charging the extra five dollars immediately, beginning on September First. Expect that $9.95 Pinot Grigio to start selling for $14.95 (plus deposit which you may never get back).


More on this story as it develops on CBC's This Is That…


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