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Sunday, October 17, 2010

Top Ten Wine Predictions for the Upcoming Decade.

NEWS item: The Globe and Mail, in its eager attempt to drum up specious advertising for a specious audience, has replaced lefty columnist Rick Salutin with a continuing stream of doom and gloom predictions for the next decade. (Oct 9, 2010)




TORONT0 – (GOSH Wine News Services) – On Monday, October 18, 2010, in Prime Time, GOSH Wine Services will unleash its Top Ten Wine Predictions for the upcoming decade, 2011-2020. Full details will be given at the appropriate chronological moment. But Miffed Mole has leaked the top ten:


10. In a stunning switch to implement the new P2P relationship in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, the heads of the LCBO and Constellation Brands will switch for a fiscal year. Bob Peter becomes CEO of Constellation Brands, and Rob Sands becomes CEO of the LCBO. The "Rob and Bob Show" continues with brother Richard Sands assuming the lateral-move to Chairman of the Board position with the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province. It is anticipated that there will be no changes whatsoever, now or in the future.


9. The Vintners' Quality Alliance (VQA) for Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will re-brand itself as the VOCATIONAL QUALIFYING AUTHORITY (VQA) for licenses to winemakers. All Ontario winemakers must now go back to an Ontario wine school in order to obtain professional credentials.


8. Worried over the increase in both wine and bottling prices, Franzia has decided to rename the Charles Shaw brand. The company has apparently decided to use some inferior mediocre wines from the Central Valley rather than seek a price increase. The new name in California will now be Two Buck Upchuck.


7. The Wine Bloggers' Circle of Canada (WBCC) will be pleased to announce the arrival of its one millionth member. There are now more people writing about high quality wines (over $8 at the LCBO) than there are actually consuming them.


6. GOSH Wine News Services will continue its top wine investigations by employing more data-driven journalism, supported by bottle deposits from friends and other writer groups in order to pay for access to documents through the Freedom Of Information Act at the LCBO, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.


5. Realizing that there is a major conflict of interest between regulating and selling beverages in Ontario, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will wisely split up the LCBO into the LCBO and the LCBO. The former LCBO, A Clone, er, Crown Corporation, will regulate the sale of alcohol to the consumer, while the latter LCBO, re-named as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, will become A Clown Corporation, and charged with regulating the sales of all beverages in Ontario (water, alcohol, coffee, soft drinks, apple juice, and more). Each store must hire a Clown to look after the sales.


4. There will continue to be no alcoholic beverages sold at Farmers' Markets until after the year 2020. Non-VQA wineries will continue to be prohibited from using the word "Ontario" on their labels. In fact, regulations for non-VQA wines will be further tightened so that there will be no words on the label that relate to identifying where the wine was made. Fruit wineries of Ontario will continue to beat their heads against the walls of the government.


3. The Wine Writers' Circle of Canada will set up a wine wiki site, the be-all and end-all of wine knowledge.


2. Because of the new Transparency Act in Ontario, the cash register receipt from the LCBO will be unbundled. This paper will reveal the true taxes and fees, mark-ups, laboratory testing costs, shipping, and the like. GOSH Wine News Services predicts that once the public knows about the changes, there will be riots in the streets and SWAT teams will be needed to protect LCBO stores and its employees.


And the Number One Wine Prediction for the upcoming 2011-2020 decade? -- drum roll please --


Number One:     


To the Liberal Government's embarrassment, people will actually start talking about the STRETCH WATER COMPONENT of Ontario wines. On this one issue, they cannot be shut up. Their motto – "Water Forever" – rings from the rooftops and surrounds Bay Street. There is even a Stretch Water Party (SWAP) led by Ms. Euphrasie Cosette who predicts victory on October 6, 2011!!!



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