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Sunday, October 23, 2011

BREAKING NEWS -- RIM Blackberry to buy LCBO

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Breaking News from GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network –


GOSH has just learned that Jim Sillieballs, half-owner of RIM Blackberry, has decided to buy the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.


It will no longer be controlled by The Grate McGinty. Instead, Sillieballs intends to move the LCBO (lock, stock and barrel, so to speak) to Waterloo, Ontario.


Word on the street is that Sillieballs paid over 10 billion dollars for the LCBO, in a deal which would see all inventory, warehousing and administrative offices be consolidated within the city of Waterloo.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


There is a loud rumour that Sillieballs' application for a brand of rye (to be called RIM Shots) was turned down because it was too blatantly branded to an existing product. In a fit of pique, he simply bought the LCBO as a deal condoned by The Grate McGinty, who claims that Ontario still retains the taxing structure and profits.


Apparently, the city of Waterloo has been on board for some time, and is delighted with the new industry and employment numbers. They expect several thousand employees to transfer to the city.


More on this story as it unfolds…

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