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Sunday, March 18, 2012

Deal with Grabinsky and Ontario Government over Ontario Alcohol

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – There's been a recent development in the perceived takeover of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.


The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that a deal has been negotiated with Darth Grabinsky, who is currently serving time for a range of wrong-doings. According to high-ranking officials, the Minority Have-Not Government of Ontario has bargained with the convicted Grabinsky, giving the former entrepreneur one week to take over the LCBO and to fix it in exchange for a major reduction to his sentence, in essence setting him free.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


After determining that the current flak about contrived wholesale prices could not be resolved by conventional means, Ontario wine agents confronted Grabinsky and proposed a mutually beneficial arrangement that will make him (in conjunction with the Ontario legal system) a free man if he can safely get in and get out and turn around the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.


Said Miffed Mole: "Basically, he's agreed to the mission. There's a strong chance that he'll go rogue once he realizes it is all but hopeless, so we've implanted a tracking device in his body. We're also prepared with backup. Mayor SchadenFord of Toronto has agreed to come in with us on this: he wants "subways not LRTs (Licensed Restrictions on Tipples)", so this is perfect timing. Since he is now in danger of being dismissed as Mayor, we have his utter co-operation for a potentially hefty buyout – he won't go rogue, so we won't have to dig through his body to plant a device."


Byzantine expert Grabinsky is expected to sort his way through a maze of complex multiple-source spending, revenue-sharing, and tax credit advantages to juggle the substantial costs of the wholesale system.


The Foxy Wine News Network, which, like every news organization, doesn't know anything about economics beyond arithmetic and paycheques, will be hiring outside consultants to advise its news presentations.


More on this story as it unfolds tomorrow…


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