$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ ALL THE RUMOURS, MYTHS, & WEIRD WINE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ AND FOOD STORIES YOU CAN HANDLE.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$SS "NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL I GET, I CAN NEVER KEEP UP" (Lily Tomlin)

******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

LCBO to rebrand as ABCO, announcement forthcoming later today

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, enjoyed by just under 4,000 daily TV viewers, has just learned of momentous changes coming to the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.


Apparently, in a brave attempt to reinvent itself, the LCBO will be assuming new branding and new revenue opportunities. A press conference has been called for later today, after the Eastern markets close, at about 5:30 PM DST.


Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.


What our sources suggest is this:


First, the LCBO property at Queens Quay and Lake Shore will not be available for sale. It will remain with Ontario, A Have–Not Province Controlled by The Grate Minority McGinty.


Second, the property will be re-configured as a combination store. Leading the way with dramatic changes are Daniel Libeskind (think ROM) and Jack Diamond (think Four Seasons Centre). Yes, there will be a Crystal, and "maybe" it will be a "Diamond Crystal".


Third, the LCBO will be renamed to closer reflect the intent of the new operating agency: ABCO -- Alcohol, Brothel, and Casino Ontario.


The Ontario, A Have-Not Province, announcement will concern the re-adjustment. The ABCO will be responsible for developing alcohol sales, brothel operations, and casino gambling in Ontario, beginning with the Jumbo Palace at Queens Quay. The Brothel will be constructed as a see-through Crystal so that everyone can look at what is happening through its transparency; the Diamond facility will concern the Casino's gambling activities; and the Alcohol sales will remain in its drab but lucrative lustre. It is expected that traffic will flow from one to another with ease, especially through the Austrian whorehouse motif of Brothel Ontario.


Said Flighty Dwighty, Ontario's Have-Not Minister of Finance (with cabinet responsibility and accountability for the ABCO), "It's not a casino. It's an entertainment destination with take-out. It will likely be unparalleled in the country. These palaces have some of the finest shopping, restaurants, convention facilities, park spaces, open spaces -- imagine an anchor that could create a golden mile on Toronto's waterfront and that's quite possible." (Globe Tuesday April 10/12, pA10).


Sources also say that it will be an all-in-one vice operation under close police control.


On the one hand, the Ontario Government of a Have-Not Province will lose out on the $200 million appraisal of the Queens Quay property. But on the other hand, it won't cost more than one billion dollars to re-design and refurbish the existing buildings and warehouse for a combined alcohol-brothel-casino operation.


Where else could you find three male pleasures under one roof (with take-out), especially when it rains? More on this story as it develops…

No comments: