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Saturday, October 4, 2008

GOSH: LCBO Announces Winner of Its Song Contest

This just in from our GOSH news services ---


TORONTO – Today, the LCBO has announced the winner of its new participatory contest to find a song or jingle that reflects the LCBO's latest endeavour: reaching out to the community.


An unnamed source in the External Relations department at the LCBO confirmed the dismal failure of the province-wide search for a motto that would have been incorporated into the song. Several suggestions had included "Hell No We Won't Go", "Liquor for Life", and "Liquor is Quicker", but the LCBO felt that the tone was unacceptable for the modern lifestyle.


"We decided to scrap the motto and open it up to a song or jingle. Rather than go through the expensive advertising and search process, we just sifted through the 14,685 rejects from the Hockey Night in Canada theme song contest. We certainly saved a bundle in costs, and these savings will be passed along to our customers in the form of value added attractions, such as a larger and better Food and Drink magazine."


The spokesperson went on: "The rejects seemed to have some bona fide musical ideas, but the winning entry wanted too much money in residuals, being tied to a flat fee for every bottle sold in Ontario. We felt that this mill rate was too high, and that it exceeded even our executives' compensation packages."


Apparently, the next idea was to approach pop music critics in order to adapt an existing song. Within ten minutes, the LCBO had its song, and within an hour, they had sealed the deal with the Village People's music publisher.


The LCBO's spokesperson said: "It seemed to be a no-brainer. I don't know why we didn't think of it before, but "Y-M-C-A" is perfect. Everybody knows the tune, everybody knows the lyrics, and everybody knows the movements. We just changed a few words around. The song is now known as "L-C-B-O". We initially had some problems with the "B" shape – who hasn't? – but we solved that one by hiring a twelve year old unemployed Chinese gymnast who had been let go from the Olympic team because she was too old. In fact, we had her demonstrate all of the movements for a new DVD of the song that we will be including with the Holiday edition of Food and Drink. It's a shame that we can't use the word "Christmas" any more, but that's life in the 21st century."


Typical lyrics read:


                  You can drink there, and I'm sure you will find

                  Many ways to have a good time.


                  It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o.


                  And just go there, to the l.c.b.o

                  I'm sure they can help you whoa-oh-oh-oh





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