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Friday, June 11, 2010

GOSH: Fake Lake to contain stretch water component, reports say.

REAL NEWS: The $1.9 million fake Muskoka lake being built at the Toronto media centre for the G8 and G20 summits is a whole "Experience Canada Alley" – Globe and Mail, June 9/10.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Word has just arrived at GOSH Wine New Services that the new artificial water installation at Toronto's Direct Energy Centre (now christened Fake Lake, although purists insist on Lake Fake) will be filled from surplus stretch water components extracted from surplus CellaredinCanada™ wines.

The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines today officially announced the surplus of wine, which is normally called "Wine Lake" (or, "Lake Wine"). This surplus means that there will be no further need for the stretch water component that is in storage. And indeed, the ACCW is preparing to quietly screen out more water from the existing surplus, thereby creating a VQA-viable residue.

Brett Grimsby, our top investigative wine reporter, has been on the story for some time, and he files this report: the water has been rented to the G8/G20 media circus on the understanding that it will be returned intact for further use in blending. It will NOT be consumed by any of the press, and indeed sharp penalties are in place for deliberately consuming the alcohol-based water.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, has gone on record as saying that in the event that any of the water is swallowed, it must be swallowed by a person 19 years of age and over (with proof of age). Said a spokesperson, "We won't penalize anybody if it is accidentally swallowed, but if they are under the age of 19, then they will go to jail, whether the incident was the result of an accident or not. We have to protect the Good People of Ontario from themselves."

Grimsby goes on to report that should there not be enough water in Fake Lake (Lake Fake), then some surplus white CellaredinCanada™ wine from the recent Winter Olympics will be added to top fill the volume. Sources say that the LCBO is unhappy about this move, but they defer to the Federal Government which has so kindly allowed them to raise the price of wines, beers and spirits in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, under the guise of the Harmonized Sales Tax.

The makers of Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable wine made with no stretch water component has lodged a protest. This has been handled by the Integrated Security Unit in their usual fashion.

Taking a political beating for spending millions on a fake lake, S.Harpy's office insisted it was more, and worth every penny. The project, PMO officials said, will send 3,000 journalists home with a better impression of CellaredinCanada™ wines.

More on this story as it develops…


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