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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dean Tudor to Abide by Ontario's April Fool LCBO law

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, April First, 2009, Dean Tudor issued a statement through his lawyers saying that he would abide by the laws of Ontario, and NOT issue a spoof about the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province. He's following the lead of Mike Mandel, who was the first to abide by the threat and to publicly renounce his writings. [Shame on you, Mandel]


He said: "There are plenty of other targets out there, so I'll just lay off with the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, to comply with the law. I don't want to go to jail, I don't want to have to drink only Cellared In Canada wines in jail, or pay a fine. I live on a pension. I'm a pretty decent chap. At least my wife thinks so."


"Besides, I've just spent a hefty sum as a premium for insuring my nose for $10 million with Lloyd's of London, against a loss of smell. I need to use my nose to dig up dirt, along with my top reporter Brett Grimsby and my collective unnamed sources Miffed Mole."


"And -- this is not too widely known -- I am dying from wood poisoning, with too many oak chips in my liver. I am now forced, by my doctors, to taste and drink only wines that were made in stainless steel.


"My team will be investigating the stainless steel industry – we hear rumours that there are wood chips floating about. Our sources reveal that there are dramatic differences in textures between German stainless steel and Italian stainless steel. It'll be out in a future story. So I need to take time to recuperate and pay off my investment in the insurance policy.


"But I also need to take a cheap shot from time to time: most readers can't accept that we scribes might write something that we don't actually believe in, no matter what the topic. The idea of pulling your leg, having a laugh, being light-hearted or just provocative simply doesn't register with many bureaucrats. For the Grate McGuinty government to pass this April First legislation on behalf of the LCBO, A Crown etc., is shameful. I have no contrition whatsoever. . .



Memorial arrangements to be made soon. . .stand by for further developments as they happen. . .just watch me. . .



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