GOSH: Ontario couple found guilty of honey laundering

U.S. federal grand jury indicts 11 German and Chinese executives for conspiring to illegally import US$40-million of honey from China – News item, Sept 2, 2010.

 

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Sam and Ella Miele have been found guilty of "honey laundering" by importing unregulated honey from China.

 

Brett Grimsby has been covering this story for GOSH Wine News Services ever since he dug up information that the Mieles were using the honey to add botrytis to their white wines.

 

Said Grimsby: "Honey is a tightly controlled substance in Ontario, A Have-Not Province  – it is a necessary product for mead wines. Every speck of honey must be accounted for."

 

The Mieles claim that they were only trying to use the honey to add complexity to their wines. "We meant no harm", said Sam.

 

But false labelling practices coupled with use of unregulated honey loaded with bacteria and antibiotics led to their downfall.

 

"It is good to see law enforcement take seriously the problem of illegal honey imports," said a spokesperson from Agriculture Canada. "Now we also need the FDA to weigh in with a national honey standard to make sure this crackdown on Chinese imports sticks."

 

There was no immediate reaction from the Apple Growers Association of Canada.

 

An angry Ella said, "Our botrytis-affected whites have all been award winners – the All Canadians, the Ontario Wine Awards, and the Canadian Wine Awards. We got Double Gold each time. We made damn good wine with the honey and grapes. We'd still be in this business if we could've used Ontario honey. But there wasn't any! It was all bought up by the big guys, leaving nothing for small businesses like us. We were forced to import from China! They made us do it!!"

 

When asked how he found the story, Grimsby said he just followed the money, er, honey. There was a rumour that the botrytis was not natural, and Grimsby checked it out. One thing led to another, and he scanned manifests for provincial honey allocations and then for imported honey allocations. The road led to Sam and Ella Miele.

 

More on this story after sentencing next Thursday…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network co-operate

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services – GOSH has now expanded!! In an attempt to be even more relevant than ever before, GOSH has allowed the new Foxy Wine News Network to buy 49% of the GOSH corporation.

This will permit both companies to offer cross-platforms of expertise. The Foxy Wine News Network will have Brett Grimsby as their top investigative wine reporter, digging out the dirt on all things vinous. He'll host the W5 segment (Wine, Wine, Wine, Wine, and more Wine).

The Grape Guy and The Edge will debate serious wine issues of the day. Both are well-known for their voices – but just wait until you see them on the new show, Wine Radio With Pictures.

Another new show: Six of One, Half-a-Dozen of Another – the CellaredinCanada™ game show, with prizes to include a year's supply of wine. Freggie™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine, has already been signed up as a major sponsor.

The Wine Guy and Little Fat Wino will be hosting a weekly series of Bordeaux versus Ontario wine competitions. They promise that this will be a reality show to end all reality shows. It's been tentatively titled B.O.

Politicians will be guests on The Whine and BBQ Show – where our top reporters will grill them and fry them. First up will be The Grate McGinty as he begins the long segue to a 2011 election and oblivion. He'll try to explain government alcohol monopolies -- without snickering.

Fruit wines will finally have their say as James Warren, QC, takes us on a tour of all of the fruit wineries in Canada. There'll be a new fun tour each week. Jim, as we all know, is Canada's answer to Anthony Bourdain.

Also new: The Transparency Show, in which economic and management experts try to break down the secret codes and taxes that are applied to alcohol products across Canada, pointing out variations and why certain wines cost more in Ontario and/or Quebec and/or British Columbia. The CellaredinCanada™ wines will be first up to bat.

More details to be released when the Fall Vintage Television season appears….

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS FLASH...Freggie(TM) t'launch noo blends...

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: This hyar jest in, as enny fool kin plainly see... Freggie(TM) has announced thet it will be sellin' a special cuvee jest in time fo' th' Rosh Hashanah period, cuss it all t' tarnation. GOSH Likker Noos Services has cornfirmed thet one of th' two blends t'be made available will be 70% Conco'd grapes wif 30% Jersusalem artichokes (an', of course, due t'VQA legislashun, it is not eligible fo' th' "Made in Ontario, A Have-Not Province" designashun - thet w'dn't be kosher). Howevah, th' makers of Freggie(TM) annicipate greater sales of t'other blend, 70% Jersusalem artichokes wif 30% Conco'd grapes on account o' it is eligible t'state on th' label, "100% Ontario, A Have-Not Province, vegitable an' fruit a six packs". Neifer blend will include th' dreaded an' secretive stretch water component. This hyar launch is specked t'be at th' Bell Lightbox next Thursday, in time fo' th' TIF(TMF's Midnight Madness event...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

EAKINGBRAY EWSNAY ASHFLAY...Eggiefray(tMay) otay aunchlay ewnay endsblay...

 

EAKINGBRAY EWSNAY: Isthay ustjay inyay... Eggiefray(tMay) ashay announcedyay atthay ityay illway ebay ellingsay ayay ecialspay uveecay ustjay inyay imetay orfay ethay Oshray Ashanahhay eriodpay. OSHGAY Ineway Ewsnay Ervicessay ashay onfirmedcay atthay oneyay ofyay ethay otway endsblay otay ebay ademay availableyay illway ebay 70% Oncordcay apesgray ithway 30% Ersusalemjay artichokesyay (andyay, ofyay oursecay, ueday otay AVQAY egislationlay, ityay isyay otnay eligibleyay orfay ethay "Ademay inyay Ontarioyay, Ayay Ave-Nothay Ovincepray" esignationday - atthay ouldn'tway ebay osherkay). Oweverhay, ethay akersmay ofyay Eggiefray(tMay) anticipateyay eatergray alessay ofyay ethay otheryay endblay, 70% Ersusalemjay artichokesyay ithway 30% Oncordcay apesgray ecausebay ityay isyay eligibleyay otay atestay onyay ethay abellay, "100% Ontarioyay, Ayay Ave-Nothay Ovincepray, egetablevay andyay uitfray uicesjay". Eithernay endblay illway includeyay ethay eadeddray andyay ecretivesay etchstray aterway omponentcay. Isthay aunchlay isyay expectedyay otay ebay atyay ethay Ellbay Ightboxlay extnay Ursdaythay, inyay imetay orfay ethay IFTAY(tMF'say Idnightmay Adnessmay eventyay...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS FLASH...Freggie(TM) to launch new blends...

 

 

BREAKING NEWS:  This just in...

 

Freggie(TM) has announced that it will be  selling a special cuvee just in time for the Rosh Hashanah period. GOSH Wine News Services has confirmed that one of the two blends to be made available will be 70% Concord grapes with 30% Jersusalem artichokes (and, of course, due to VQA legislation, it is not eligible for the "Made in Ontario, A Have-Not Province" designation - that wouldn't be kosher).

 

However, the makers of Freggie(TM) anticipate greater sales of the other blend, 70% Jersusalem artichokes with 30% Concord grapes because it is eligible to state on the label, "100% Ontario, A Have-Not Province, vegetable and fruit juices".

 

Neither blend will include the dreaded and secretive stretch water component.

 

This launch is expected to be at the Bell Lightbox next Thursday, in time for the TIF(TMF's Midnight Madness event...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Freggie Come Home

 

TIF™F is coming to town!! Media invite for Sept 9, 2010, 6 PM Bell Lightbox

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Hey, TIF™F is coming to town!!

 

That's right, the Toronto International Freggie™ Festival is set to begin action next week.

 

For those who don't know, Freggie™ is the world's largest selling fruit-vegetable blended wine, just about as big as CellaredInCanada™ grape wines.

 

Freggie™ was developed as an alternative to the international blends. It was deemed commercially viable by Agriculture Canada and is currently sponsored by the government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province -- it uses up Ontario surplus fruit wines and vegetable wines.

 

Freggie™ comes in three blends: 70% fruit wine with 30% vegetable wine added, or 70% vegetable wine with 30% fruit wine added, and (new this season): a top-rated 50-50 blend for those who cannot decide on a fave.

 

The art of blending is a deep secret, so the Freggie™ people will not reveal which fruits and which vegetables are used, except to say that there are different ones in all three cuvees. In no way shape or form is there any of that nasty stretch water component that you'll find in the CellaredInCanada™ international blend series. It's guaranteed chlorine-free. And, all their wines are triple-filtered to remove any hints of bedbugs and their eggs.

 

Professionally-paid tasters have commented on these wines. One said "Throws out spruce, some attractive mint, forward onion tones." Another said, "Dainty kalamata olives, shows opium, hoppy Doritos, and traces of smoked oysters." A third beckoned with: "Drops taco sauce, buttermilk pancakes, and forward pungent green beans." Another opinion, but from a dissenter, went: "Grossly overweight veggies and unripe fruit, kicks you with tobacco." We believe in balanced reports and chacun a son gout.

 

Our fave review, from the Wine Journal, goes: "Plump frosted pop-tart, modest and spiney, whispers of spice, overcooked currants, strong-willed black cherries, astounding marmalade complexity bound with a carrot-beet-turnip combo. 88 points."

 

In conjunction with the Toronto International Freggie™ Festival, the major suppliers are planning to launch the 50-50 blend (called Freggie™ 50-50) to the media and elite stars. The official release date is September 9, the opening day of TIF™F. Expected to attend the eleven day festival are Stony Cement, S. "Doris" Day, PM Sharpy, The Grate McGinty, Ford Pinto, Joey Pants, and other clowns from politics. From the reality world of entertainment, you can expect Clint Eastwood, Natalie Portman, Catherine Deneuve, and Bruce Springsteen.

 

All the entertainers will endorse Freggie™ under the launch tent, for which they will collect a swag bag that contains coupons entitling them to a six-pack of Freggie™ a week for life!

 

They want you to join them for sampling at the Bell Lightbox, Thursday, September 9, at 6 PM sharp, one hour earlier for the trade/media presentation.

 

Consider this YOUR personal invitation – be there or be square! And celebrate the new Freggie™ 50-50!!

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO to sell itself to Ontarians

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Unbelievable as it may seem, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province is poised to sell itself.

 

Our top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files this report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Apparently, the LCBO has plans to sell all of itself to The Good People of Ontario. Rather than issue stocks and bonds, and present Bay Street with an IPO of immense proportions, the LCBO proposes to add $5 to the price of every single item it offers for sale.

 

The $5 will be equal to one share in the new company, to be known as The Liquor Board Owned by the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province (LBOGPO, pronounced "leeboogeepoo"). Each purchase will buy one share. As proof of purchase, just simply hang on to your bottles.

 

Of course, you will have to forego the deposit, so the actual purchase price is ten or twenty cents more. That's about the same as brokerage fees, but it does seem to be a new fundraising attempt by the current LCBO.

 

Initially, dividends will not be paid out. Instead, they will be re-invested into research and more quality findings to protect the Good People of Ontario.

 

Said a spokesperson from the LCBO: "We hope to issue enough stock at five bucks a throw to make us all appreciated for what we are doing: opening up the LCBO for business and ownership in Ontario for Ontarians, The Good People. Eventually, everybody in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will actually own a piece -- or more -- of the LCBO, and someday we will even begin paying dividends, maybe even cashing in bottle deposits."

 

Effectively barred from purchasing stock in the new LBOGPO are those who have been punched drunk by the older LCBO system of Green Permit tracking, people under 19, and professionally-paid-wine-writers-who-may-now-through-no-fault-of-their-own-have-a-serious-conflict-of-interest. These groups are planning to launch lawsuits citing discrimination. The issue is especially serious for the writers since they will now be unable to buy product to write about.

 

The plan is scheduled to take effect whenever The Grate McGinty approves the enabling legislation before the 2011 election. The derelict bottle collectors are expected to have a field day.

 

In anticipation of the legislation, however, the LCBO will begin charging the extra five dollars immediately, beginning on September First. Expect that $9.95 Pinot Grigio to start selling for $14.95 (plus deposit which you may never get back).

 

More on this story as it develops on CBC's This Is That…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Welcome to the CellaredinCanadaTM Wine Society!

Welcome to the CellaredinCanada™ Wine Society!

 

11 Years Celebrating Wine -- 30% of the time!

 

The CellaredinCanada™ Wine Society is a non-profit club that explores the CellaredinCanada™ wines of Ontario and those of other regions of the world through informal, educational, diverse and social tastings and special events. Our club caters to everyone 19 years or older. Because we are non-profit and supported by the CellaredinCanada™ wineries, we provide excellent value-for-your-money events. Currently, we have three chapters - Toronto, Ottawa, and London. We would love to set up clubs in other regions.

 

Join the CellaredinCanada™ Wine Society today by clicking here and receive the benefits as described below. Or, see the bottom of this page to sign up to receive our newsletter and event flyers free.

 

MEMBER BENEFITS

 

DISCOUNT BOUTIQUE

 

Click here to take you to a page of companies that are offering discounts to CellaredinCanada™ Wine Society members.

 

WINE TASTINGS

 

Each chapter holds 8 to 10 tasting and special events per year. Each event is built around a theme. A member of the CellaredinCanada™ Wine Society, and one guest, each attend the tasting at the member price which is usually $10 less than the non-member's price.

 

Recent Tastings Include:

 

    * Sipping With the Stars

 

    * The Passionate Art of CIC Wine

 

    * Bus Trip to a CellaredinCanada™ Wine Factory (see write up below)

 

    * A Sparkling Spring Evening

 

    * ZipCode-CellaredinCanada™ Challenge

 

    * Gadgets, Gizmos & Games - Oh My!

 

Each event:

 

    * Usually features 8 or more Ontario CellaredinCanada™ wines or a mixture of CellaredinCanada™ wines and wines from other regions of the world, especially from British Columbia where the blending rules are different. Often, these wines are tasted blindfolded.

    * Includes food - appetizers or a full dinner.

    * Often provides the opportunity to try new wines and wines that are available at the LCBO or winery chain retail stores, but which you wouldn't normally buy.

    * Is led by an industry expert - winemaker, winery owner, wine writer or some non-professional such as a funneler who works on the blending line.

    * Is cost-friendly. Since we are non-profit, we can provide a wide variety of high-quality CellaredinCanada™ wines and food at reasonable prices.

    * In Toronto, is usually held at a downtown restaurant, club or venue close to the TTC.

 

We issue a monthly newsletter ("Just Off The Tanker") that lists all of the special upcoming events that are happening at CIC wineries, restaurants and other local venues. The newsletter has write-ups of past events, Ontario CellaredinCanada™ wine industry news and feature articles.

 

Some impressive questions from our Bus Trip to a CellaredinCanada™ Wine Factory:

1. How does "Cellared in Canada" work? (Answer: You didn't even understand eleventh-grade math, so why are you asking?)

2. What would happen if I went inside the tank? (Answer: You'd drown)

3. How much did it cost?  (Answer: Forty squillion)

4. What does this thing do?  (Answer: Don't touch that)

5. What would happen if you, like, gave a saucer of CellaredinCanada™ wine to a cat?  (Answer: I don't know)

6. If I concentrate really hard, will I ever be able to understand CellaredinCanada™ wines? (Answer: No)

(...with abject apologies to the Ontario Wine Society)

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: The STRETCH water component Media Conference, August 2010

REAL NEWS: From the Content and Labelling of Wine Ontario Regulation 659/00 (O. Reg. 659/00) Section 2, subsection (3) --"If a winery meets or exceeds the minimum requirements set out in subsection (2), (2.1) or (2.2), the winery may add water to the grapes from which the balance of the wine is derived as long as the volume of the balance of the wine as measured on November 30 in the year the wine is manufactured is no more than 902 litres per one tonne of grapes. O. Reg. 659/00, s. 2 (3); O. Reg. 382/03, s. 1 (2); O. Reg. 515/05, s. 1 (2)."

 

This is known as the "stretch water component" in CellaredinCanada™ wines. It does not exist in Freggie™. A lot of water can be added to CellaredinCanada(TM) wines.

 

For some unknown reason, NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Not winery people, not politicians, not reporters…

 

N--O--B--O--D—-Y...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY

 

Until today...Read on:

 

 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- At a Media Conference called for this morning by Ontario's Premier, The Grate McGinty, the following exchange happened. It was recorded by writer Stuart Wade (our apologies for rewriting his masterpiece).

 

A dozen REPORTERS crowded into the cramped space. At the rear of the media horde were several television cameras, with TV lights shining across to illuminate McGinty, Premier of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, who stood behind a microphone-strewn lectern to address the group.

 

Premier Grate McGinty: "We all know that there's a specific piece of information in question here. And with regard to it, let me first state that I know you all would like for me to say what we all think I'm coming before you to say. I would like to make it very clear, however, that I do not intend to say it. In addition, I will neither confirm nor deny it. So now that we all understand each other, are there any questions?"

 

Brett Grimsby of GOSH Wine News Services: "Will you say what we want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "Not exactly as you would have me say it. [pointed to Little Fat Wino] Yes -- over there?"

 

LFW: "Is the thing we all want you to say, in fact, true?"

 

McGinty: "I'm not saying whether it is or it isn't. It would be premature to judge that."

 

Grimsby: "A supplemental: since you're not saying the precise thing we all want you to say, will you say it, but in a slightly different way?"

 

McGinty: "You mean in a way that would have the same meaning as the way you would all want me to say it?"

 

Grimsby: "That is correct."

 

McGinty: "I'm not prepared at this time to do that. [made eye contact with the Ontario Wine Review Head Writer] Yes?"

 

OWRHW: "If you won't say what we all would like you to say, or if you won't say it in a slightly different way, will you at least say one or a couple of parts of what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "If there is a situation where that would become prudent for me to say part or parts of what you all want me to say, I would, yes. But now is not the time."

 

Grimsby: "When will it be time?"

 

McGinty: "I don't know the answer to that. I want to add something at this point, before we continue. There are some people involved behind the scenes with this thing who deserve to be recognized for all their hard work. This thing has been a team effort all the way, and thanks to them, a real win-win situation as well. [pointed to LFW] Yes, go ahead."

 

LFW: "This information that we all want you to disclose -- might one of us be able to trick you into divulging what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "If I am slow-witted at that moment, or if I'm not being too careful in choosing my words right then, and if one of you people displays extremely shrewd questioning skills, then yes, it is possible. Of course, I may even flip-flop as I have done in the past, so don't take me at my word. [eyes shielded from the glare of the lights] Yes -- all the way in the back there...you, Miss."

 

Woman: "I think I know the information we all want you to say but that you aren't saying, and here it is [she says something inaudible about water, maybe she needs a glass of water?]. Isn't that right?"

 

McGinty: [angrily reaching for a glass of water, holding it up] "Do you expect me to answer that? Next question."

 

Grimsby: "When can we expect you to say what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty:  "Relatively soon."

 

LFW: "Can you be more specific?"

 

McGinty: "Well, we are expediting this process so I would imagine sooner than you might think, but I don't want to mislead any of you as to exactly when. The Cabinet is fine tuning the regulations. Yes, you in front…"                        

                                     

GOSH Wine CEO: "I heard some experts giving their opinions about the information we all want you to say. Can you respond to these expert comments?"

 

McGinty: "Well, I can't speculate on others' comments. And, I'm not an expert. [looked up to media who are twittering] I have time for one more question. In the middle there, yes -- you sir?" [pointed to bearded man standing in center of group].

 

Beard: "Does the fact that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, I mean, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, may be up for sale have any effect on this matter of the stretch water component?"

 

Having said the magic words, "stretch water component" – which N-O-B-0-D-Y NOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY wanted to talk about, the beard is quickly Tasered by the OPP and brought down. The media conference immediately dissolves into chaos.

 

More on this interesting development as soon as people talk...Say the secret word, and win a case of Freggie(TM)...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO poised to untax wine sales

NEWS HEADLINE – Stockwell Day cites "alarming" rise in unreported crime in order to justify new prisons.  -- Aug 4, 2010

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services)  -- In a stunning announcement just made by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, the provincial government is poised to untax wine sales in order to justify bolstering the flagging economy.

 

Apparently, all CellaredinCanada™ wines (including Freggie™ the all-fruit all-vegetable wine) will now be available as UnCellaredinCanada™ wines, and eligible for certain untaxed write-offs. The VQA component wines now move over to the UnVQA area – in order for bona fide Ontario wines to get a similar deal. But many LCBO stores already have UnCellaredinCanada™ wines blended in with UnVQA wines on the shelves, so there is nothing unnew here. In the mix are unfruit wines which may appear to be similar in style to grape wines, unless, of course, they are labelled ungrape wines using the UnQC seal.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this unstory for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really unknown.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the LCBO declined. "It would be unwise of me."

Previous to this week, the use of the phrase "un" was restricted only to Untario as an unplace to stand. Now, it seems to have grabbed an untax advantage. Unreported grapevines may justify new wineries (but not unwineries), but only if they are untaxed by the UnClown, er, UnCrown Corporation of an UnHave-Not Province.

Unionville is 10 kilometres north of Toronto. More on this unstory as it unfolds…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

CBC.ca | This Is That | LCBO Restricts Locations & Hours

I'm glad to finally have some competition for the SPIFFY Awards

 

http://www.cbc.ca/thisisthat/blog/2010/08/03/lcbo-restricts-locations-hours/

GOSH: Conservatives announce mandatory census WILL begin in 2011

The federal Conservative government's move to scrap the mandatory long-form census in 2011 is favour of a voluntary one has prompted criticism from a broad range of groups -- News item, July 22, 2010

====================================================================

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine Services) – In a major concession (all right, an election bone) to the people of Canada, the Conservative federal government has apparently decided to do a complete and full census. Later today, Statistics Canada will announce that they will begin to implement a complete and mandatory census of grapes in Canada.

It is expected to commence next June in 2011, but it will have a dry run this fall when the new vintage is ready. Provinces that have few grapevines will hardly notice any activity, while regions like Niagara or Okanagan will be crawling with census takers.

Every grapevine will be independently looked at and itemized as to varietal character. The number of grapes will be counted, as well as the leaves and rootstock. Farmers are being cautioned against pruning as this would tend to diminish the number and quality of the raw statistics.

But according to sources emboldened by the uncovering of the alcohol and eco levy scandal in Ontario, this is just the tip of the iceberg or icewine.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

Apparently, the real intention behind the census of grapes is to deflect all the fallout from the recent problems that have afflicted federal and provincial governments, even municipal governments in Canada. Eco levies in Ontario were the straw that broke the camel's back. Before that we had the flack from the HST and from the cancelling of the human census. There was the mishandling of the Line Bryan affair, the continuing problems with the First Nations (lacrosse, for one), and the general malaise caused by a four year old minority government.

The federal government firmly believes that all of its public relations problems will be solved by a census of grapes. That sort of fits in with their personal belief system: that all of this will go away soon, just give the people something productive to do.

Barrie is located 70 kilometres north of Toronto. More on the grape census as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH CEO Dean Tudor to run for Mayor of Toronto on Wine Whine Wins ticket

 

John Tory is poised to run for Mayor of Toronto – News item

 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – To celebrate the dog days of summer, Dean Tudor – in a careful and well-choreographed announcement – has declared that he will be running for Mayor of Toronto, despite what he has said in the past.

 

"I can simply say – yes, I counted myself out at first, but I reconsidered when I saw that the issues I care about were not being properly addressed by the current line-up of candidates. People have been imploring me to come in with a declaration and my sense of public service commands me to obey."

 

Tudor, founder of GOSH Wine News Services and a major contributor to the Foxy Wine News Network of Canada, said that he would immediately hand over the leadership of GOSH/Foxy to Brett Grimsby, the top investigate wine reporter who broke so many stories with CellaredinCanada™ wines, Freggie™ the all-fruit, all vegetable wine, the G20 wines, and the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

When asked about his platform, Tudor immediately clarified what he said, even before saying it.

 

"Please don't take this out of context, but my running will put me in a conflict of interest position within the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association. So I must take a leave-of-absence from that august group, or face censure.

 

"My higher calling is to the Wine Whine Wins Party of Ontario, a sort-of urban version of the Green Party. He who screams the loudest about Ontario wines usually wins something. The prize this time is the Mayoralty of Toronto. I have the entire support of the wine community; I am one of their own. My platform will be uncorked next week!"

 

Toronto is situated 125 kilometres north of Niagara Falls. Stay tuned for more developments…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Toronto mayoral candidates call for a boycott on Niagara wines.

"Niagara ads poke fun at Toronto, but city not laughing" – Globe and Mail headline, July 21, 2010

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning political decision, the six leading candidates for Mayor of Toronto have decided to call for a boycott of all Niagara Region wines.

Later on Saturday, they will announce that Torontonians should drink Ontario wines only from Prince Edward County (PEC) and Lake Erie North Shore (LENS) -- in retaliation for the urban sprawl slurs that arose from the Niagara Parks Commission's $300,000 ad campaign encouraging Toronto inhabitants to flee the city for the calmer Niagara Region.

Smirked one of the candidates: "Niagara Falls? Don't they have the slogan 'The Town Lower Than Toronto'?

"The Commission", said a parks spokesperson, "will take another look at the ads." The matter will be raised with commission managers. There is a possibility that the region may retaliate by dissing and trashing PEC and LENS wines. This would bring out all of the VQA inspectors and troops.

The mayoral candidates were also shocked to discover that the parks commission is a Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province. Said one, "That says it all: puts them in the same league as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario. No Clown, er, Crown Corporation is worth the paper that its legislative statute is printed on."

Subsequently, the GTA branch of the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association decided to boycott writing about any Niagara wines, including CellaredinCanada™ product and Freggie™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine. "The power of the press will speak," said one wine hack.

More on all the dissing and trashing as this story unfolds…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Liberals kill eco levies, blame GOSH for spreading bad news.

BREAKING NEWS – BREAKING NEWS – BREAKING NEWS --- FIVE BELLS

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning admission of defeat, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has today announced the cancellation of all eco levies. The Minister of the Environment admitted that the plan to add eco levies to the sale of alcohol was "not very well-thought out".

The Ontario government has now blamed the whole matter on GOSH Wine News Services. Up for the high jump are top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby and GOSH founder, Dean Tudor. "But we are just the messengers!" they exclaimed.

The Minister went on to say, "I don't know who leaked this to GOSH Wine News Services, but I'll get them if it's the last thing I do!"

According to reliable sources, the reportage by GOSH Wine News Services on Sunday July 18, 2010, blew the lid off the surreptitious activity of blending and hiding the eco levies within the general HST increases on the sales of bottles of alcoholic beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, was forced to re-calculate all of its prices on Dollarama-bought abacuses because they had a brownout blamed on the blown fuses that occurred when the LCB found out what it had to do – with no overtime compensation.

Held without bail but pleading the example of Lord Konrad Black, both Grimsby and Tudor looked gleeful as they knew they had brought a government to its knees by divulging the fact that the government had placed alcohol into the hazardous waste category, hoping to make a few extra bucks (see previous news story, Sunday July 18 at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com/2010/07/gosh-new-eco-levies-fees-or-taxes-to-be.html).

Little Fat Wino has agreed to start up a legal defence fund, beginning with a dynamic, open-to-the-public tasting of diverse hazardous wastes from both Bordeaux and Ontario. Profits will go to the Wine Writers Defence Fund, now being administered by the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association. There is also some talk of a baked goods sale built around maderized wine.

Once again, the power of the press (and GOSH Wine News Services) has been demonstrated by the brave actions of just a few people. Deeds like these need to be exposed, and GOSH Wine News Services will continue to leak what it can, when it can, and to who it can.

More on this story as it unfolds…we will NOT go away…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: New eco levies: fees or taxes to be applied to alcohol beverages?

With the launch of Stewardship Ontario's new eco fees on thousands of household products – fees that came into effect without the knowledge of most Ontarians on July 1, and which were rolled out on the same day as the unpopular Harmonized Sales Tax – Stewardship Ontario is at the centre of a public battle. – News story

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TRAWNA – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that the Liberal government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in its desperate grab for more money to pay down debts and to continue to offer sub-par services, is about to declare alcohol a hazardous product, and thus subject to the new "eco fees".

Apparently, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, have been completely blind-sided by this announcement.

Said a reliable source, "We know alcohol is hazardous, but to impose extra fees on its use is ridiculous. Doesn't the government know that people will simply stop buying LCB products and move on to moonshine?" Disappointment was keenly felt in his quavering voice…

It will have consumers raging, and politicians, no matter their party, will be slinging mud. Stewardship Ontario, charged with the responsibility to police the eco levies on hazardous products, will apply to the LCB to jack up their prices.

The big question is: are the eco levies a fee or are they a tax? If they are a fee, then the LCB can mark-up the product and collect extra money through this new mark-up. If they are a tax, then the extra money will be added on at the end, presumably before HST. And the Liberal government will then be guilty of raising new taxes – which is what they have always promised not to do.

Under the present pricing policy of the LCB, fees are marked up but taxes are not. Fees will cause the price of alcohol to rise dramatically, while taxes will be just a moderate increase. The quandary will land either the LCB or the Liberal government in hot water with the public. The oddsmakers are calling for a "fee", which may raise the price of alcohol by as much as $6.66 a bottle.

Brett Grimsby, our top investigative wine reporter, has further learned that Stewardship Ontario -- a government-created, government regulated non-profit mandated with limiting hazardous waste -- will be releasing a statement after the close of business today. "We've listened to consumers, and we have heard them loud and clear. We've started taking steps to ensure that people have a better understanding of our programs and the ways they are funded. We are advising the government that they cannot charge eco fees in excess of Stewardship Ontario's guidelines."

The Progressive Conservatives have loudly denounced the alcohol fees as a tax grab approved by the Liberal government of A Have-Not Province.

Apparently, public relations firms are lining up to bid for damage control contracts…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: CellaredinCanada(TM) wines to be gold standard in taste tests.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – There's a stunning new development in the wine world: apparently, selected Ontario CellaredinCanada™ wines will be chosen as the benchmark wines for all blind international competitions involving a test component. This will apply to all Master of Wine and Master Sommelier tastings, as well as WSET runoffs and diploma levels.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

CellaredinCanada™ wines are known for their complexity and lack of somewhereness. Indeed, they are "nowhereness" wines completely devoid of terroir. But certain elements can be picked out by the Supertasters, and these are the palates being eagerly sought by the MW and MS testing/tasting panels.

Apparently, the ability to spot a Hungarian merlot or a Chilean cabernet within the mounds of flavours in a CellaredinCanada™ wine will be the determining factor in any final MW/MS test. Some tasters, the Elite, may even be able to pick out the hybrids used in the Ontario component.

In case of ties, the MW/MS wannabe must be able to pull out the stretch water component, and figure out how much it is by volume.

The Ontario CellaredinCanada(TM) wine will be the new gold standard in wine tasting and palate testing.

Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable wine, has no stretch water component. It exhibits great fruit and veggie character. But unfortunately, it also has no grapes in it. So it is ineligible. The company is appealing the ruling.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, has decided not to comment so long as the full taxes on the Ontario part of the CellaredinCanada™ product have been paid.

More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

"Damages" to set up production in Toronto, feature Ontario sales distribution

HOLLYWOOD – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In breaking news today, top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has learned that the American television cable company FX, in partnership with Sony Pictures, has extended the lifespan of the reality law TV show, "Damages" (starring Glenn Close and Rose Byrne).

The TV production will come back for a Fourth Season with the story arc proposed by Line Bryan, the noted Canadian politician-turned-lobbyist. "We need some television production up here," said Bryan, "and what better way than to set the whole plot in Canada, right here in Ontario, A Have-Not Province."

Co-funding will be arranged by Line Bryan and supplied by the Ontario wine industry; it is expected to cost millions of dollars. Concessions were made by all government levels. But it will be shown on the Foxy Wine News Network when it comes onstream later in the year.

Patty Hewes (played by Close) will be leading a class action law suit against the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, a Clown, er, Crown Corporation, that would effectively broker the sale of the LCBO into private hands. "The good people of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, should not be deprived of their daily government-produced toddy, but it should be available at a cheaper price" says Bryan who was speaking from experience. "I know how governments work, and how easy it is to fool politicians. Been there, done that, wrote the book."

The 13 scripts in the arc will be based on both real and imagined court cases as they cover the Cellared in Canada series of wrangles, the intra-provincial barriers to free trade in wine, the VQA regulations, access to consumers by Ontario wineries [with product placement], the mark-up policies, farmers' markets as wine outlets, the environmental issues, the fruit wine issues, labelling requirements, the government monopoly, the HST affair, and so forth.

But usually the arcs have twists in them, so don't be surprised if suddenly the LCBO is sold without Patty knowing about it, and sides become switched. Expect the head of the LCBO to collude with Hewes – or not.

According to Line Bryan, there's enough material here for several years worth of stories.

More on this idea as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com