GOSH: The STRETCH water component Media Conference, August 2010

REAL NEWS: From the Content and Labelling of Wine Ontario Regulation 659/00 (O. Reg. 659/00) Section 2, subsection (3) --"If a winery meets or exceeds the minimum requirements set out in subsection (2), (2.1) or (2.2), the winery may add water to the grapes from which the balance of the wine is derived as long as the volume of the balance of the wine as measured on November 30 in the year the wine is manufactured is no more than 902 litres per one tonne of grapes. O. Reg. 659/00, s. 2 (3); O. Reg. 382/03, s. 1 (2); O. Reg. 515/05, s. 1 (2)."

 

This is known as the "stretch water component" in CellaredinCanada™ wines. It does not exist in Freggie™. A lot of water can be added to CellaredinCanada(TM) wines.

 

For some unknown reason, NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT. Not winery people, not politicians, not reporters…

 

N--O--B--O--D—-Y...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY

 

Until today...Read on:

 

 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- At a Media Conference called for this morning by Ontario's Premier, The Grate McGinty, the following exchange happened. It was recorded by writer Stuart Wade (our apologies for rewriting his masterpiece).

 

A dozen REPORTERS crowded into the cramped space. At the rear of the media horde were several television cameras, with TV lights shining across to illuminate McGinty, Premier of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, who stood behind a microphone-strewn lectern to address the group.

 

Premier Grate McGinty: "We all know that there's a specific piece of information in question here. And with regard to it, let me first state that I know you all would like for me to say what we all think I'm coming before you to say. I would like to make it very clear, however, that I do not intend to say it. In addition, I will neither confirm nor deny it. So now that we all understand each other, are there any questions?"

 

Brett Grimsby of GOSH Wine News Services: "Will you say what we want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "Not exactly as you would have me say it. [pointed to Little Fat Wino] Yes -- over there?"

 

LFW: "Is the thing we all want you to say, in fact, true?"

 

McGinty: "I'm not saying whether it is or it isn't. It would be premature to judge that."

 

Grimsby: "A supplemental: since you're not saying the precise thing we all want you to say, will you say it, but in a slightly different way?"

 

McGinty: "You mean in a way that would have the same meaning as the way you would all want me to say it?"

 

Grimsby: "That is correct."

 

McGinty: "I'm not prepared at this time to do that. [made eye contact with the Ontario Wine Review Head Writer] Yes?"

 

OWRHW: "If you won't say what we all would like you to say, or if you won't say it in a slightly different way, will you at least say one or a couple of parts of what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "If there is a situation where that would become prudent for me to say part or parts of what you all want me to say, I would, yes. But now is not the time."

 

Grimsby: "When will it be time?"

 

McGinty: "I don't know the answer to that. I want to add something at this point, before we continue. There are some people involved behind the scenes with this thing who deserve to be recognized for all their hard work. This thing has been a team effort all the way, and thanks to them, a real win-win situation as well. [pointed to LFW] Yes, go ahead."

 

LFW: "This information that we all want you to disclose -- might one of us be able to trick you into divulging what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty: "If I am slow-witted at that moment, or if I'm not being too careful in choosing my words right then, and if one of you people displays extremely shrewd questioning skills, then yes, it is possible. Of course, I may even flip-flop as I have done in the past, so don't take me at my word. [eyes shielded from the glare of the lights] Yes -- all the way in the back there...you, Miss."

 

Woman: "I think I know the information we all want you to say but that you aren't saying, and here it is [she says something inaudible about water, maybe she needs a glass of water?]. Isn't that right?"

 

McGinty: [angrily reaching for a glass of water, holding it up] "Do you expect me to answer that? Next question."

 

Grimsby: "When can we expect you to say what we all want you to say?"

 

McGinty:  "Relatively soon."

 

LFW: "Can you be more specific?"

 

McGinty: "Well, we are expediting this process so I would imagine sooner than you might think, but I don't want to mislead any of you as to exactly when. The Cabinet is fine tuning the regulations. Yes, you in front…"                        

                                     

GOSH Wine CEO: "I heard some experts giving their opinions about the information we all want you to say. Can you respond to these expert comments?"

 

McGinty: "Well, I can't speculate on others' comments. And, I'm not an expert. [looked up to media who are twittering] I have time for one more question. In the middle there, yes -- you sir?" [pointed to bearded man standing in center of group].

 

Beard: "Does the fact that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, I mean, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, may be up for sale have any effect on this matter of the stretch water component?"

 

Having said the magic words, "stretch water component" – which N-O-B-0-D-Y NOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY wanted to talk about, the beard is quickly Tasered by the OPP and brought down. The media conference immediately dissolves into chaos.

 

More on this interesting development as soon as people talk...Say the secret word, and win a case of Freggie(TM)...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO poised to untax wine sales

NEWS HEADLINE – Stockwell Day cites "alarming" rise in unreported crime in order to justify new prisons.  -- Aug 4, 2010

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services)  -- In a stunning announcement just made by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, the provincial government is poised to untax wine sales in order to justify bolstering the flagging economy.

 

Apparently, all CellaredinCanada™ wines (including Freggie™ the all-fruit all-vegetable wine) will now be available as UnCellaredinCanada™ wines, and eligible for certain untaxed write-offs. The VQA component wines now move over to the UnVQA area – in order for bona fide Ontario wines to get a similar deal. But many LCBO stores already have UnCellaredinCanada™ wines blended in with UnVQA wines on the shelves, so there is nothing unnew here. In the mix are unfruit wines which may appear to be similar in style to grape wines, unless, of course, they are labelled ungrape wines using the UnQC seal.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this unstory for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really unknown.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the LCBO declined. "It would be unwise of me."

Previous to this week, the use of the phrase "un" was restricted only to Untario as an unplace to stand. Now, it seems to have grabbed an untax advantage. Unreported grapevines may justify new wineries (but not unwineries), but only if they are untaxed by the UnClown, er, UnCrown Corporation of an UnHave-Not Province.

Unionville is 10 kilometres north of Toronto. More on this unstory as it unfolds…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

CBC.ca | This Is That | LCBO Restricts Locations & Hours

I'm glad to finally have some competition for the SPIFFY Awards

 

http://www.cbc.ca/thisisthat/blog/2010/08/03/lcbo-restricts-locations-hours/

GOSH: Conservatives announce mandatory census WILL begin in 2011

The federal Conservative government's move to scrap the mandatory long-form census in 2011 is favour of a voluntary one has prompted criticism from a broad range of groups -- News item, July 22, 2010

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine Services) – In a major concession (all right, an election bone) to the people of Canada, the Conservative federal government has apparently decided to do a complete and full census. Later today, Statistics Canada will announce that they will begin to implement a complete and mandatory census of grapes in Canada.

It is expected to commence next June in 2011, but it will have a dry run this fall when the new vintage is ready. Provinces that have few grapevines will hardly notice any activity, while regions like Niagara or Okanagan will be crawling with census takers.

Every grapevine will be independently looked at and itemized as to varietal character. The number of grapes will be counted, as well as the leaves and rootstock. Farmers are being cautioned against pruning as this would tend to diminish the number and quality of the raw statistics.

But according to sources emboldened by the uncovering of the alcohol and eco levy scandal in Ontario, this is just the tip of the iceberg or icewine.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

Apparently, the real intention behind the census of grapes is to deflect all the fallout from the recent problems that have afflicted federal and provincial governments, even municipal governments in Canada. Eco levies in Ontario were the straw that broke the camel's back. Before that we had the flack from the HST and from the cancelling of the human census. There was the mishandling of the Line Bryan affair, the continuing problems with the First Nations (lacrosse, for one), and the general malaise caused by a four year old minority government.

The federal government firmly believes that all of its public relations problems will be solved by a census of grapes. That sort of fits in with their personal belief system: that all of this will go away soon, just give the people something productive to do.

Barrie is located 70 kilometres north of Toronto. More on the grape census as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH CEO Dean Tudor to run for Mayor of Toronto on Wine Whine Wins ticket

 

John Tory is poised to run for Mayor of Toronto – News item

 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – To celebrate the dog days of summer, Dean Tudor – in a careful and well-choreographed announcement – has declared that he will be running for Mayor of Toronto, despite what he has said in the past.

 

"I can simply say – yes, I counted myself out at first, but I reconsidered when I saw that the issues I care about were not being properly addressed by the current line-up of candidates. People have been imploring me to come in with a declaration and my sense of public service commands me to obey."

 

Tudor, founder of GOSH Wine News Services and a major contributor to the Foxy Wine News Network of Canada, said that he would immediately hand over the leadership of GOSH/Foxy to Brett Grimsby, the top investigate wine reporter who broke so many stories with CellaredinCanada™ wines, Freggie™ the all-fruit, all vegetable wine, the G20 wines, and the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

When asked about his platform, Tudor immediately clarified what he said, even before saying it.

 

"Please don't take this out of context, but my running will put me in a conflict of interest position within the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association. So I must take a leave-of-absence from that august group, or face censure.

 

"My higher calling is to the Wine Whine Wins Party of Ontario, a sort-of urban version of the Green Party. He who screams the loudest about Ontario wines usually wins something. The prize this time is the Mayoralty of Toronto. I have the entire support of the wine community; I am one of their own. My platform will be uncorked next week!"

 

Toronto is situated 125 kilometres north of Niagara Falls. Stay tuned for more developments…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Toronto mayoral candidates call for a boycott on Niagara wines.

"Niagara ads poke fun at Toronto, but city not laughing" – Globe and Mail headline, July 21, 2010

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning political decision, the six leading candidates for Mayor of Toronto have decided to call for a boycott of all Niagara Region wines.

Later on Saturday, they will announce that Torontonians should drink Ontario wines only from Prince Edward County (PEC) and Lake Erie North Shore (LENS) -- in retaliation for the urban sprawl slurs that arose from the Niagara Parks Commission's $300,000 ad campaign encouraging Toronto inhabitants to flee the city for the calmer Niagara Region.

Smirked one of the candidates: "Niagara Falls? Don't they have the slogan 'The Town Lower Than Toronto'?

"The Commission", said a parks spokesperson, "will take another look at the ads." The matter will be raised with commission managers. There is a possibility that the region may retaliate by dissing and trashing PEC and LENS wines. This would bring out all of the VQA inspectors and troops.

The mayoral candidates were also shocked to discover that the parks commission is a Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province. Said one, "That says it all: puts them in the same league as the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario. No Clown, er, Crown Corporation is worth the paper that its legislative statute is printed on."

Subsequently, the GTA branch of the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association decided to boycott writing about any Niagara wines, including CellaredinCanada™ product and Freggie™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine. "The power of the press will speak," said one wine hack.

More on all the dissing and trashing as this story unfolds…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Liberals kill eco levies, blame GOSH for spreading bad news.

BREAKING NEWS – BREAKING NEWS – BREAKING NEWS --- FIVE BELLS

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning admission of defeat, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has today announced the cancellation of all eco levies. The Minister of the Environment admitted that the plan to add eco levies to the sale of alcohol was "not very well-thought out".

The Ontario government has now blamed the whole matter on GOSH Wine News Services. Up for the high jump are top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby and GOSH founder, Dean Tudor. "But we are just the messengers!" they exclaimed.

The Minister went on to say, "I don't know who leaked this to GOSH Wine News Services, but I'll get them if it's the last thing I do!"

According to reliable sources, the reportage by GOSH Wine News Services on Sunday July 18, 2010, blew the lid off the surreptitious activity of blending and hiding the eco levies within the general HST increases on the sales of bottles of alcoholic beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, was forced to re-calculate all of its prices on Dollarama-bought abacuses because they had a brownout blamed on the blown fuses that occurred when the LCB found out what it had to do – with no overtime compensation.

Held without bail but pleading the example of Lord Konrad Black, both Grimsby and Tudor looked gleeful as they knew they had brought a government to its knees by divulging the fact that the government had placed alcohol into the hazardous waste category, hoping to make a few extra bucks (see previous news story, Sunday July 18 at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com/2010/07/gosh-new-eco-levies-fees-or-taxes-to-be.html).

Little Fat Wino has agreed to start up a legal defence fund, beginning with a dynamic, open-to-the-public tasting of diverse hazardous wastes from both Bordeaux and Ontario. Profits will go to the Wine Writers Defence Fund, now being administered by the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association. There is also some talk of a baked goods sale built around maderized wine.

Once again, the power of the press (and GOSH Wine News Services) has been demonstrated by the brave actions of just a few people. Deeds like these need to be exposed, and GOSH Wine News Services will continue to leak what it can, when it can, and to who it can.

More on this story as it unfolds…we will NOT go away…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: New eco levies: fees or taxes to be applied to alcohol beverages?

With the launch of Stewardship Ontario's new eco fees on thousands of household products – fees that came into effect without the knowledge of most Ontarians on July 1, and which were rolled out on the same day as the unpopular Harmonized Sales Tax – Stewardship Ontario is at the centre of a public battle. – News story

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TRAWNA – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that the Liberal government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in its desperate grab for more money to pay down debts and to continue to offer sub-par services, is about to declare alcohol a hazardous product, and thus subject to the new "eco fees".

Apparently, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, have been completely blind-sided by this announcement.

Said a reliable source, "We know alcohol is hazardous, but to impose extra fees on its use is ridiculous. Doesn't the government know that people will simply stop buying LCB products and move on to moonshine?" Disappointment was keenly felt in his quavering voice…

It will have consumers raging, and politicians, no matter their party, will be slinging mud. Stewardship Ontario, charged with the responsibility to police the eco levies on hazardous products, will apply to the LCB to jack up their prices.

The big question is: are the eco levies a fee or are they a tax? If they are a fee, then the LCB can mark-up the product and collect extra money through this new mark-up. If they are a tax, then the extra money will be added on at the end, presumably before HST. And the Liberal government will then be guilty of raising new taxes – which is what they have always promised not to do.

Under the present pricing policy of the LCB, fees are marked up but taxes are not. Fees will cause the price of alcohol to rise dramatically, while taxes will be just a moderate increase. The quandary will land either the LCB or the Liberal government in hot water with the public. The oddsmakers are calling for a "fee", which may raise the price of alcohol by as much as $6.66 a bottle.

Brett Grimsby, our top investigative wine reporter, has further learned that Stewardship Ontario -- a government-created, government regulated non-profit mandated with limiting hazardous waste -- will be releasing a statement after the close of business today. "We've listened to consumers, and we have heard them loud and clear. We've started taking steps to ensure that people have a better understanding of our programs and the ways they are funded. We are advising the government that they cannot charge eco fees in excess of Stewardship Ontario's guidelines."

The Progressive Conservatives have loudly denounced the alcohol fees as a tax grab approved by the Liberal government of A Have-Not Province.

Apparently, public relations firms are lining up to bid for damage control contracts…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: CellaredinCanada(TM) wines to be gold standard in taste tests.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – There's a stunning new development in the wine world: apparently, selected Ontario CellaredinCanada™ wines will be chosen as the benchmark wines for all blind international competitions involving a test component. This will apply to all Master of Wine and Master Sommelier tastings, as well as WSET runoffs and diploma levels.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

CellaredinCanada™ wines are known for their complexity and lack of somewhereness. Indeed, they are "nowhereness" wines completely devoid of terroir. But certain elements can be picked out by the Supertasters, and these are the palates being eagerly sought by the MW and MS testing/tasting panels.

Apparently, the ability to spot a Hungarian merlot or a Chilean cabernet within the mounds of flavours in a CellaredinCanada™ wine will be the determining factor in any final MW/MS test. Some tasters, the Elite, may even be able to pick out the hybrids used in the Ontario component.

In case of ties, the MW/MS wannabe must be able to pull out the stretch water component, and figure out how much it is by volume.

The Ontario CellaredinCanada(TM) wine will be the new gold standard in wine tasting and palate testing.

Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable wine, has no stretch water component. It exhibits great fruit and veggie character. But unfortunately, it also has no grapes in it. So it is ineligible. The company is appealing the ruling.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, has decided not to comment so long as the full taxes on the Ontario part of the CellaredinCanada™ product have been paid.

More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

"Damages" to set up production in Toronto, feature Ontario sales distribution

HOLLYWOOD – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In breaking news today, top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has learned that the American television cable company FX, in partnership with Sony Pictures, has extended the lifespan of the reality law TV show, "Damages" (starring Glenn Close and Rose Byrne).

The TV production will come back for a Fourth Season with the story arc proposed by Line Bryan, the noted Canadian politician-turned-lobbyist. "We need some television production up here," said Bryan, "and what better way than to set the whole plot in Canada, right here in Ontario, A Have-Not Province."

Co-funding will be arranged by Line Bryan and supplied by the Ontario wine industry; it is expected to cost millions of dollars. Concessions were made by all government levels. But it will be shown on the Foxy Wine News Network when it comes onstream later in the year.

Patty Hewes (played by Close) will be leading a class action law suit against the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, a Clown, er, Crown Corporation, that would effectively broker the sale of the LCBO into private hands. "The good people of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, should not be deprived of their daily government-produced toddy, but it should be available at a cheaper price" says Bryan who was speaking from experience. "I know how governments work, and how easy it is to fool politicians. Been there, done that, wrote the book."

The 13 scripts in the arc will be based on both real and imagined court cases as they cover the Cellared in Canada series of wrangles, the intra-provincial barriers to free trade in wine, the VQA regulations, access to consumers by Ontario wineries [with product placement], the mark-up policies, farmers' markets as wine outlets, the environmental issues, the fruit wine issues, labelling requirements, the government monopoly, the HST affair, and so forth.

But usually the arcs have twists in them, so don't be surprised if suddenly the LCBO is sold without Patty knowing about it, and sides become switched. Expect the head of the LCBO to collude with Hewes – or not.

According to Line Bryan, there's enough material here for several years worth of stories.

More on this idea as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Happy Canada Day

The staff and management of FauxVoixVinCuisine want to wish you and yours the very best for the holiday season tomorrow...

 

Have a really great CellaredInCanada(TM) Day!!!

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Distinctly Canadian...

 

In the advertising insert of the LCBO promoting Canadian alcohol products (Sat. June 26, Globe, Star) for the Canada Day weekend, there is a series of "Distinctly Canadian..." wines.

 

One such wine is Sandhill Estate Vineyard Chardonnay VQA Okanagan, which comes from four vineyards. It is described thus: "And while the result is a blend bursting with aromas of tropical fruit, the crisp flavour is so distinctive it could only be Canadian."

 

Would anybody want to hazard a guess as to what constitutes a Canadian flavour?

And why it should be the same across Canada, and not just part of BC terroir - where the wine comes from? What was the PR writer thinking about?

 

Obvious candidates:  apple, pear, peach.

 

Less obvious:  sour, disagreeable, apologetic, whiney, modest, unassuming, self-effacing, not American, forgiving, mosaic, appreciative.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO stores to reuse G20 fences for its wines

Real News: Ontario has secretly passed an unprecedented regulation that empowers police to arrest anyone within five metres of the G20 security zone fence who refuses to identify themselves or agree to a police search. The regulation was made under Ontario's Public Works Protection Act and was not debated in the Legislature.

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) --  Apparently, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, a Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, is so entranced with the surplus G20 perimeter fence and the Ontario Public Works Protection Act "five-metre" regulation that they are considering adopting both for all of its stores.

Essentially, the government agency is analyzing the success of keeping CellaredinCanada™ wines away from bona fide VQA Canadian wines. They are toying with the idea of using both the fence and the five-metre rule.

Said a spokesperson, "We can get the perimeter fence at a discount because basically it is a "used" or "pre-owned" product. It makes sense to reuse instead of recycling. It can be easily installed in every one of our stores."

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, a Have-Not Province, may have determined that this is the best way to keep CellaredinCanada™ wines separate from VQA wines as the public and media keep insisting.

Architectural plans have been leaked to GOSH. The fence will go up around the VQA wine area, and the five-metre rule will apply to keeping out CellaredinCanada™ wines from that area. Some sources say that Freggie™ (the fruit-vegetable table wine with no stretch water component) will not be included in this marshalling of the VQA wines, while others say that both QC fruit wines and Freggie™ will be considered "VQA" for this purpose alone.

The plans further reveal that for smaller stores, exterior walls may have to be replaced by Andy Brandt rubber walls. The job will be turned over to the specialist Black Bloc Construction Company; in common with other large Clown, er, Crown Corporations, the deal will be untendered.

Critics are already twittering. One loud comment was "How do we now buy VQA wines?" Another spokesperson for the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario responded, "They don't sell anyway, so who cares?"

Canada Day celebrations continue with the wines of the FIFA World Cup Quarter Finals countries…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

Ethics

GOSH: Cellared in Canada Wines to be served at G20

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning display of generosity today, the Federal Government, through pressure from PM S.Harpy, will announce that Canada is supplying the G20 attendees and all of their staffs with a full supply of the best CellaredInCanada™ wines.

Said Line Bryan, the PR flack for the Association of Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW), "It only makes sense that we distribute this wine for the conference. We have a special Cuvee, called PLANET EARTH, which meets all government regulations. The Cuvee will have 30% Ontario wine, plus a blend of wines from every single G20 country that produces wine. The stretch water component will come from South Korea, Indonesia and Saudi Arabia, who make no wine (at least, no legal wine). This will be a true global wine, unlike that other stuff they served at the Olympics."

Word on the street seems to indicate that there will be a white, a red and a rose. A sparkler will be poured at the opening banquet.

Not to be left out, the Canadian Cellared in Canada Wine Group (CCICWG) will be sending cases of Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable wine, to the Integrated Security Unit for their enjoyment after they leave their shifts.

Also in the mix, members of the Canadian Protestors Alliance (CPA) will be receiving gift packs of assorted QC and VQA wines from the Ontario Vinicultural Association. Each pack has a time lock to ensure that they won't be opened until Monday June 28.

There was no comment from the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province. They were ensconced within the boarded-up Pink Palace, and will not come out until after the HST brouhaha dies down, sometime in 2011.

More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Canada Post and HST

The HST is being applied to a new range of services, all of which are itemized on the BC and Ontario government websites. Newspapers copy these lists and present them to the public (e.g., here's what's going up in price, here's other changes, etc.).

 

BUT -- neither BC nor Ontario sites, nor the Canada Post site, nor the papers and magazines mention at all the fact that Canada Post rates will now be HST and going up 8% (the old PST) in Ontario.

 

To me, this is a huge chunk of change for Ontarians. We're already at 54 cents plus GST. Another 8% (a nickel? six cents?) will just drive more people away from the post office.

 

But it is NOT the money gained by Canada Post that makes me to write this note; it is the lack of information that this particular change is coming.

 

Not a single media outlet has commented on the post office and HST -- except the one in Medicine Hat last month (May 13) , and even that was just obliquely.

 

http://www.medicinehatnews.com/story/hst-postage-unfair-albertans

 

Is there a coverup of HST data that the public should know about?

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Wine News Network to be on Cable

REAL NEWS: The official announcement of what has been unofficially termed "Fox News North" is coming on Tuesday – report in the Globe,

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TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Service) – After reports last week that the Association for CellaredinCanada™ Wines was poised to launch an all-wine 24-hours news channel aimed at Canadian wine lovers, the association said that they will "make an announcement in regard to new investment in Canadian wine media" in Toronto on Thursday morning, just before the Ontario Wine Awards luncheon and show.

GOSH's top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

What is known is this: the Association for CellaredinCanada™ Wines has apparently partnered with the Canadian Wine Hacks and Flacks Association in presenting complete public access to information about CellaredinCanada™ wines. The Hacks and Flacks group will be appearing nightly as pundits on the news network, squabbling about wines in general, and about CellaredinCanada™ wines in particular.

The Association is expected to invest roughly $100-million in the project over five years. It will be headed by the leaders of the Winery and Grower Allianz of Ontario. Provision will be made for those sister companies pioneering CellaredinCanada™ delivery in British Columbia and other provinces. It will be a truly national news service.

Media hires will be announced next week once their new wine Code of Ethics and Conflict-of-Interest rules are in place. They are expected to be media heavyweights in the wine world, and competition will be fierce for the positions. Disgruntled hacks and flacks who do not get full-time paid jobs will be invited to join the evening fray. The fray is expected to have a series of panels tasting and arguing about wines such as VQA, CellaredinCanada™, low-cost imports, and even Freggie™, the all-fruit and vegetable wine.

GOSH has learned, alas, that fruit wines in Canada have been shut out once again. But they may make en entrance through the "right of response" rebuttal, as approved and guaranteed by the CRTC.

GOSH has also learned that the name of the channel will be "Foxy Wine News Network", based in Concord, ON…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

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Posted By Dean Tudor to FauxVoix VinCuisine at 6/16/2010 01:22:00 PM

GOSH: Fake Lake to contain stretch water component, reports say.

REAL NEWS: The $1.9 million fake Muskoka lake being built at the Toronto media centre for the G8 and G20 summits is a whole "Experience Canada Alley" – Globe and Mail, June 9/10.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Word has just arrived at GOSH Wine New Services that the new artificial water installation at Toronto's Direct Energy Centre (now christened Fake Lake, although purists insist on Lake Fake) will be filled from surplus stretch water components extracted from surplus CellaredinCanada™ wines.

The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines today officially announced the surplus of wine, which is normally called "Wine Lake" (or, "Lake Wine"). This surplus means that there will be no further need for the stretch water component that is in storage. And indeed, the ACCW is preparing to quietly screen out more water from the existing surplus, thereby creating a VQA-viable residue.

Brett Grimsby, our top investigative wine reporter, has been on the story for some time, and he files this report: the water has been rented to the G8/G20 media circus on the understanding that it will be returned intact for further use in blending. It will NOT be consumed by any of the press, and indeed sharp penalties are in place for deliberately consuming the alcohol-based water.

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, has gone on record as saying that in the event that any of the water is swallowed, it must be swallowed by a person 19 years of age and over (with proof of age). Said a spokesperson, "We won't penalize anybody if it is accidentally swallowed, but if they are under the age of 19, then they will go to jail, whether the incident was the result of an accident or not. We have to protect the Good People of Ontario from themselves."

Grimsby goes on to report that should there not be enough water in Fake Lake (Lake Fake), then some surplus white CellaredinCanada™ wine from the recent Winter Olympics will be added to top fill the volume. Sources say that the LCBO is unhappy about this move, but they defer to the Federal Government which has so kindly allowed them to raise the price of wines, beers and spirits in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, under the guise of the Harmonized Sales Tax.

The makers of Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable wine made with no stretch water component has lodged a protest. This has been handled by the Integrated Security Unit in their usual fashion.

Taking a political beating for spending millions on a fake lake, S.Harpy's office insisted it was more, and worth every penny. The project, PMO officials said, will send 3,000 journalists home with a better impression of CellaredinCanada™ wines.

More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

LCBO Monopoly and Wine Writing in Ontario

Which prominent wine writer (who writes extensively about Ontario wines) has been noticeably absent in the Ontario tasting note sections used by the Vintages catalogues since the publication of the following article? Is there a connection?

 

http://www.ottawalife.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=67&Itemid=100011

Massive Spy Operation Uncovered, CellaredinCanada(TM) wines involved.

REAL: NEWS: The detailed research and investigations carried out by
Canada-based authors of the report 'Shadows in the Cloud' have pointed to a
spy network command and control system that used free web-hosting services
and social networking sites like Twitter, Facebook, and Google. These
accounts were manipulated by a "core" of servers based in Chengdu in China.

TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - GOSH Wine News Services has just
learned that there is a spy operation within closely guarded Canadian wine
computer servers.

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story
for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with
Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the
situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were
not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre
of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been
finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not
have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may
or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific
timeline is not really known.

Grimsby has uncovered the existence of a "Shadow Network". Canadian
researchers have found a vast online espionage based in China that used
email and Twitter to extract highly sensitive wine information from Canadian
computers.

Stolen documents recovered in a year-long investigation show the hackers
have breached the servers of dozens of computer wine networks, taking
everything
from top-secret files on wine recipes with and without a stretch water
component to confidential inventory sorting, including shrinkage from winery
to warehouse, and warehouse to store.

Grimsby's findings have exposed one of the biggest online spy rings ever
cracked.

Apparently, the network of botnets are being controlled remotely and made to
report to China.

Allegedly, the Chinese government is preparing a master formula for new
CellaredinCanada(TM) wines to take over from the front-leading and
best-selling
Freggie(TM) (the popular fruit-vegetable wine).

But Grimsby speculates: "Why anybody would want to expend time and energy on
such a lost cause as CellaredinCanada(TM) is beyond me.There's an enormous
wine
lake out there, with wines selling at under 20 cents a litre on the re-sale
market. Unless the Chinese government has something else up its sleeve.Maybe
they want to re-do Icewine? Maybe take over VQA? Maybe have Chinese
restaurants sell only CellaredinCanada(TM) wines? Maybe they want to do
their own wines!"

For the moment, the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines has refused to
comment, as did the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er,
Crown Corporation in A Have-Not Province.

As Grimsby has noted, "We'll just have to wait and see how it all plays
out."

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com