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******************************* WINNER OF THREE MAJOR SPIFFY AWARDS FOR WINE SATIRE !!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Vieux Beaujolais Cougar Wine Will Arrive Nov. 19, 2008

BEAUJOLAIS – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a revealing press conference to be called in just a few hours, Drowsy LaBeef Wines will announce a new Beaujolais in their Fall line-up. To be called Vieux Beaujolais, it will be sold annually on the Wednesday immediately preceding the release of Beaujolais Nouveau. This year, that'll be November 19, 2008…

 

A senior Beaujolais official familiar with these activities, and speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to divulge specific details, commented that when faced with warehoused stock and returned wines, LaBeef developed an idea for a mature Beaujolais for today's lifestyles. At the same time, to enhance sales, the company has pounced on the New World marketing values, and has created a "critter" for the label: a Brazilian cougar, in a three-dimensional motif. Advance press notice from the UK shows some intense excitement.

 

One Brit wine writer was provided an advanced sample, and raved about the wine. She said: "the penetrating initial entry quickly leads to a mouthfilling rush of pleasurable mature gamey – er, Gamay – fruit that explodes with orgasmic intensity at the end. Sustainable finish, aided by a very long length."  

 

Many North American wine writers are doubtful about the value of this wine, and are adopting a wait-and-see attitude. Early sample tastings show that neither the sustainable finish nor the long length travels very well across the ocean. "Pity", said one Canadian writer, who said that otherwise she was looking forward to it. She went on to say that "Nouveau is so young, so premature, so short, so 'over and done with' quickly. It's only worth – what's the word? Early e…ejac…?  No, early expectoration"

 

This country's wine bloggers, who are, by and large, under the age of 30, are drooling at the thought that the Cougars will "arrive in style", to be tasted at bars and parties. They don't mind the short finish or the diminished length. One said: "We're used to it, happens all the time."

 

A special promotion by the LCBO will ensure that its mature status lasts beyond Christmas, unlike the Nouveau. Early marketing indications are that it will outsell Beaujolais Nouveau.

 

More on this story as the Cougars play out…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 
 

Sunday, November 9, 2008

LCBO to go 24/7 in time for Christmas? Rumours fly...

One of my favourite moles in the LCBO Accounting Department is working with a study team to find a way to be accessible to the public 24/7. There's no problem with the website -- it's just with the stuff you pour.
 
One of the major problems is the employee pay for non-standard time: where to get the money? The main idea they are working on is to INCREASE the price of alcohol by 10% -- if you buy it between the hours of midnight and 8 AM. This seems reasonable, and the idea is being selectively leaked to a variety of informants to see how the public reacts.
 
It is hoped that the concept will be ready by December 1, just in time for the annual Christmas splurge.
 
Initially, there will only be four stores in the GTA open 24/7, but if the idea flies, then within a week there will be others in the larger urban districts of Ontario. I understand that they will eventually extend this 24/7 option to The Beer Store by December 20, but will close down the bottle return function during those night hours. To maximize their own revenues, the LCBO will NOT allow winery stores or winery tasting rooms to be open 24/7.
 
In a response from the temperance movement, a spokesperson said: "24/7 should mean, at least to us, that the LCBO is only open 24 hours a week, and then for only 7 months of the year. This is a disgrace...".
 
The Slow Food movement had no comment as their policy is always to wait and see.
 
Wine writers were anticipating that LCBO lab tastings, which may involve almost 200 products, may now begin at 6 AM and close by Noon.
 
Restaurateurs were hopeful that alcoholic beverages may soon be served at breakfast and at early brunches.
 
More on this as it develops, but be prepared for the usual LCBO denials.
 
 
 

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Winery Questions are being raised and asked of the LCBO

Winery issues to be resolved in Ontario?
 
1) why is there an environmental levy charged when a bottle deposit applies?
 
2) why are wineries required to pay taxes on tasting samples?
 
3) why are small wineries audited by Federal Excise Tax when no taxes will be paid?
 
4) why are small wineries audited by LCBO to the last half litre of wine when larger wineries are apparently not?
 
5) why are public funds used to produce the Official Winery Map when only Wine Council members appear on the map?
 
6) why are all 100% Ontario wines not eligible to be sold through licensees (restaurants and hotels) at the same tax rate as VQA wines?
 
7) why are all 100% Ontario wines not eligible for the government rebate on sales through LCBO?
 
8) why can't wineries sell their wines at approved Farmers' Markets as in Quebec, Nova Scotia and New Brunswick?
 
9) by extension, why can't wineries sell their products at various food-oriented consumer shows?
 
 
 

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Canadian Zombie Gene isolated, to be spliced into Canadian grapes

VIAGRA FAILS – (GOSH News Services) – Scientists at Vineland Research Station today announced that they have isolated the Canadian Zombie gene.

 

This DNA product, responsible for so many Canadian somnolent activities, will begin to be available for genetically-modified grapes in an attempt to calm down the hot – the very hot – "Cellared in Canada" wine program.

 

To quote Harley Crusted, owner of the vast Pandemic ("we source grapes from everywhere") Winery: "This is a boon to the Ontario wine industry. With this GM grape, we can not only solve the woes of the Canadian auto industry, but we can further stretch our supplies of the "Cellared in Canada" program. As I understand it, the zombie gene will only be spliced into those grapes that we use for this program. We won't dicker with the VQA grapes – they're our bread and butter and cannot be staked. The zombie has eluded us for many vintages, but at last it is within our grasp!"

 

When asked to explain why the gene was developed, a senior government administrative researcher, who did not want to be named because s/he was a source too familiar with the activities, said:

 

"Well, we thought that the "Cellared in Canada" wine program was setting the country on edge, creating a bit of a buzz and ADD. After all, in certain years, these wines can be 99% by volume from a hot Latin country, and that can lead to all kinds of crazy things. You know how stirred up those revolutionaries can be. The wine appeared to be making people sit up and take notice of their surroundings. We thought it was time to calm things down a little, to placate the people, to return them to responsible citizenship. The Canadian zombie gene, unique to this country, is the appropriate carrier in returning citizens to sensibilities and responsibilities."

 

An accelerated production program with more vineyard workers means that this gene can be spliced in time for the 2009 harvest. Ironically, this will now mean full employment for Canadian zombies…

 

More on this story after Hallowe'en…

 

 
 

Saturday, October 25, 2008

GOSH: Vincor to release high end wines in tetra paks

NIAGARA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning decision reluctantly announced today by Vincor, A Constellation Company, it appears that The Grand Closer Dan will soon be available in tetra paks. The wine, slated to be released in the Classics Catalogue in November, will retail for $65 (Chardonnay) and $70 (Pinot Noir) a 750 mL carton, making it the highest priced carton available anywhere on the planet. The words "blanc" and "rouge" will appear on the appropriate label. The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, dissatisfied with the slowness of the greening of Ontario wineries, has stated that Vincor, A Constellation Company, should make a better corporate Canadian statement about being green.

 

A spokesperson for the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, said: "The sustainable environment of the recycling climate must be a commitment. If Vincor, A Constellation Company, can produce "Cellared in Canada" product in tetra paks, and if their partner Boisset, La Famille Des Grands Vins, can do the same with French PlayBunny, then together they could make a high end wine to kick start the green wine movement in Ontario. We owe it to the good people of Ontario, A Have Not Province."

 

As an added enticement to Vincor, A Constellation Company, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, has allowed declassified Dan to be offered as a rose blend, called Fausse Danielle. It too would be in tetra paks, retailing at about $25 a carton.

 

When asked to comment on why Vincor, A Constellation Company, is doing this green release, another spokesperson for the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, replied: "Because we asked them to. Plain and simple."  Top officials at Vincor, A Constellation Company, remained tip-lipped, and would not speak to the media.

 

More as this story develops…

 
 
 

Saturday, October 18, 2008

GOSH: Investigative wine journalist reveals shocking news about the "Cellared in Canada" program.

GOSH: Investigative wine journalist reveals shocking news about the "Cellared in Canada" program.

 

TORONTO –  Last week's revelation from Health Canada and the LCBO that high levels of melamine were found in "Cellared in Canada" red wines (Lot Number #A100F) sent top wine investigative reporter Moe Mentum off to dig deeper. He asked: what was melamine doing in bulk wine? He found that the same lot number was used by every one of the many wineries in the "Cellared in Canada" program. Apparently, while lot numbers on imported wines are constantly being surveyed, noted, scrutinized, and commented on, nobody had ever thought to cross-check the lot numbers on the "Cellared in Canada" wines.

 

As we all know, "Cellared in Canada" product is allowed to be a minimum of 70% imported wine, but its contents could go as high as 99% imported wines. So long as it has 1% "Canadian content" it can be called "Product of Canada" and not be classified as imported wine.

 

In a stunning discovery, Moe Mentum found that the melamined wine could be traced directly to a night-tanker from China which had slipped into a quay on the West Coast. This quay also serves as the main entry for all bulk wines from abroad. It was this tanker that provided the wine for lot #A100F. Since every "Cellared in Canada" red wine had the same lot number for this tanker, Mr. Mentum did the math, cross-checked all the other lot numbers with other tankers, and concluded that every single red wine in the "Cellared in Canada" program comes from tankers in this quay. In other words, ALL of the "Cellared in Canada" wines are EXACTLY the same, with the same taste profiles. It doesn't matter what the label states: a cabernet is the same as a shiraz is the same as a pinot noir. In a remarkable disclosure, Mr. Mentum found that no wine writer had actually tasted and compared these wines; they were not in a position to alert the public to their commonality. The only difference is the lot numbers which vary from tanker to tanker, and which must appear, by law, on every "Cellared in Canada" package. Thus, lot #A100F (from China) appeared on every red wine package from such re-sellers as Pandemic Winery and Erehwon Winery Estates and other big wineries during the September 3 to September 17 time period. That lot had been the subject of a recall.

 

White wines are apparently treated in the same manner, while roses result from the improper switching of the siphon hoses from red containers to white containers, and vice versa. This has created, unfortunately, variable amounts of rose in the "Cellared in Canada" program. Trying to be helpful in re-connecting to her Canadian roots, Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin wondered: "Can't we build a bridge to that thing, that quay? It would be easier to get there and correct the siphons."

 

If it were not for this accidental discovery of the melamine levels in some of the "Cellared in Canada" wines, then we might never have known that Canada's largest winemakers were fantasizing the labels on their "Cellared in Canada" product. The WCO was shocked to discover that the wines were all the same. A spokesperson said: "I guess the addition of 1% real Canadian wine had no effect on the taste." A member of the Wine Writer's Circle confessed: "By and large, wine writers don't taste the Cellared series. We have our palates and taste buds to protect, so we don't really know what goes on with the Cellared program."

 

The vigilance of the LCBO's testing laboratories has once again saved the day for true Canadian wine drinkers.

 

 
 
 

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ontario Licensed Wine Writers to receive 10% discount for wine purchases in Ontario

From our GOSH Wine News Services --
 
TORONTO -- (GOSH) -- Mitigating its recent hard stance on licensing wine writers, the LCBO today adopted a new policy of allowing licensed wine writers a 10% discount on all wine purchases made in the province of Ontario. This includes both domestic and imported wines, made from any source including non-grape fruit. This discount is viewed as a perk of licensed membership.
 
There are several conditions.
 
Licensed wine writers must present an inventory booklet at POS, and have it checked off into the LCBO's computers. Regulations will allow a pro-rated sale of two bottles a day, one for each member of a couple. Licensed writers will have to prove that they are in some kind of a relationship in order to quality for the discount on the second bottle. And terminations of relationships must be reported at once. On this basis, licensed wine writers will be eligible for the discount on a maximum of either 365 (366 in Leap Years) bottles or 730 (732 in Leap Years) bottles a year.
 
Also, the discount will be reported by the LCBO computers to the Federal government as part of a T5 slip for additional revenue; the licensed writers MUST declare this amount as extra income, and will thus be taxable.
 
The discount, of course, does not apply to the twenty-cent bottle deposit, nor to beers and spirits -- unless the wine writer can prove that, on a proportional basis, he or she also writes about beers and spirits. A separate application must be made in conjunction with the beer writers.
 
A spokesperson for the LCBO said: "The 10% discount actually will come out of the supplier's profit or agency fee, and not from the LCBO. Our computers can shift money around like that. Thus, this discount will not, I emphasize, NOT take away any of the funds or revenue streams that we so proudly give to the Ontario government each year."
 
Developing..stay tuned...
 
 
 

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Slinging Juice

For a less mischievous humour wine blog, check out the sterling
 
 
 
 
 
 

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Wine Review Generator

For a refreshing series of wine tasting notes, try:
 
 
 
 

Saturday, October 4, 2008

GOSH: LCBO Announces Winner of Its Song Contest

This just in from our GOSH news services ---

 

TORONTO – Today, the LCBO has announced the winner of its new participatory contest to find a song or jingle that reflects the LCBO's latest endeavour: reaching out to the community.

 

An unnamed source in the External Relations department at the LCBO confirmed the dismal failure of the province-wide search for a motto that would have been incorporated into the song. Several suggestions had included "Hell No We Won't Go", "Liquor for Life", and "Liquor is Quicker", but the LCBO felt that the tone was unacceptable for the modern lifestyle.

 

"We decided to scrap the motto and open it up to a song or jingle. Rather than go through the expensive advertising and search process, we just sifted through the 14,685 rejects from the Hockey Night in Canada theme song contest. We certainly saved a bundle in costs, and these savings will be passed along to our customers in the form of value added attractions, such as a larger and better Food and Drink magazine."

 

The spokesperson went on: "The rejects seemed to have some bona fide musical ideas, but the winning entry wanted too much money in residuals, being tied to a flat fee for every bottle sold in Ontario. We felt that this mill rate was too high, and that it exceeded even our executives' compensation packages."

 

Apparently, the next idea was to approach pop music critics in order to adapt an existing song. Within ten minutes, the LCBO had its song, and within an hour, they had sealed the deal with the Village People's music publisher.

 

The LCBO's spokesperson said: "It seemed to be a no-brainer. I don't know why we didn't think of it before, but "Y-M-C-A" is perfect. Everybody knows the tune, everybody knows the lyrics, and everybody knows the movements. We just changed a few words around. The song is now known as "L-C-B-O". We initially had some problems with the "B" shape – who hasn't? – but we solved that one by hiring a twelve year old unemployed Chinese gymnast who had been let go from the Olympic team because she was too old. In fact, we had her demonstrate all of the movements for a new DVD of the song that we will be including with the Holiday edition of Food and Drink. It's a shame that we can't use the word "Christmas" any more, but that's life in the 21st century."

 

Typical lyrics read:

 

                  You can drink there, and I'm sure you will find

                  Many ways to have a good time.

 

                  It's fun to drink through the l-c-b-o.

 

                  And just go there, to the l.c.b.o

                  I'm sure they can help you whoa-oh-oh-oh

 

 

 

 
 

Friday, October 3, 2008

Cooking With Balls: World's first testicle recipe book

Cooking With Balls: World's first testicle recipe book
By Alastair Jamieson

A chef is publishing a book of recipes for cooking with testicles.

> Hailed as the world's first recipe collection of its kind, Cooking With
> Balls includes testicle pizza, battered testicles and and barbecued
> testicles with giblets.
>
> Ljubomir Erovic, the chef behind the book, said testicles are rich in
> testosterone and are believed to be a powerful aphrodisiac in China as
> well as his homeland of Serbia.

More at ...
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3121465/Cooking-With-Balls-Worlds-first-testicle-recipe-book.htmlChimo! www.deantudor.com

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Rejected New Zealand wine going cheap

A New Zealand wine rejected by European buyers because of its high metal
content is being sold at knock-down prices in New World and Pak'n Save
supermarkets.

Last year, Martinborough-based Te Kairanga winery had a 4000-case shipment
of its 2006 pinot noir returned after its German buyer discovered the wine's
copper content exceeded European standards.

Copper sulphate or copper citrate is often added to wine to eliminate
sulphurous odours produced during fermentation, but in this instance too
much was added.

More at

http://www.stuff.co.nz/stuff/4708684a13.html

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Saturday, September 27, 2008

GOSH: If re-elected, the Prime Minister promises to rescind the 1928 Importation of Intoxicating Liquors Act

OKANAGAN - (GOSH News Services) -- In a prepared speech before many tourists and wine drinkers in the heart of BC wine country, Prime Minister Bubble Boy Harper today promised that if re-elected, he would rescind the 1928 Importation of Intoxicating Liquors Act (IILA).T he IILA prevents the importation into a province of any "intoxicating" liquor that has not been purchased on behalf of and consigned to the government liquor body of the province. Among other things this means that if, say, a Quebecer visits an Okanagan winery website and wants to order a bottle of wine direct from the winery – he can't. It contradicts the act.

But that will all change once the Conservative government is re-elected. Harpy has promised that there will be ease of access to all Canadian wines from whichever province makes it. The same will happen with beer and spirits and ciders.

With this action, Harpy has won the votes of every citizen in the Okanagan, and every citizen living on both sides of the Quebec-Ontario border (sometimes called the "frontier"). His plan calls for every HOV lane on the frontier to be rebranded as ABC lanes (Alcohol Beverage Carrier) and dedicated to cars travelling betwen Quebec and Ontario in the pursuit of wines (in the case of Quebecers) and beers (in the case of Ontarians). He is now assured of winning the election

But not everybody is happy: winery owners like Harleigh Crank of Erehwon Winery in Niagara fears that he might lose sales because his micro-terroir wines are vine specific and come at a high price."As a micro-terroir winery, we don't stand a chance against the ripe, round, rich, ruby fruitiness of the Okanagan reds. The 1928 Act is the only thing keeping these wines out of Ontario...we're gonna lose our shirts!.Why these BC wines clean up every year in the All Canadian and Canadian Wine Awards competitions."

Harleigh's second cousin (once removed) Harley Crusted, of Pandemic Winery, agrees and goes on to say that "We've just won a hard earned access to The Beer Store, and now we have to be competing with the Post Office. It was bad enough when the LCBO shut us out of Farmers' Markets...It just isn't fair, and if Harpy gets in, I'm gonna have to sell my pooch's diamond necklace."

The Conservative spin doctors acknowledge that votes will be lost in Western Ontario, but they are counting on the high roller wine drinkers to step up and vote for the Harpy team, and vote often. The LCBO is in a quandary over the loss of potential income via the markups they will no longer have. A tight-lipped senior spokesman at the LCBO, when asked about impending layoffs, just shrugged his shoulders, and walked away, saying "No comment" -- or something like that -- out of the side of his mouth.

More on this election promise as it develops...

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

GOSHerald: Ontario wine at The Beer Store

TORONTO – (GOSH News Services) – Today, the Province of Ontario has introduced a Bill to consolidate the have-not portions of the Ontario wine industry.

 

A secret study was done a year ago to resolve access issues unique to the Wine Council of Ontario, the Wine Producers Association, Vintners Quality Alliance, Fruit Wines Ontario, and the newly formed Ontario Viniculture Association. An unnamed American wine business consultant was retained and his recommendations included easier availability to wine beverages.

 

The Province of Ontario has now acted on this. Beginning in December, just in time for the Christmas party period, all the non-listed (at the LCBO) 100% Ontario grape and fruit wines will be available at The Beer Store. Each winery will be allowed one product at each of the hundreds of stores, and the winery can change the product from beer store to beer store to better reflect its inventory position and local community drinking patterns.

 

"What better place to offer consumers a choice of Ontario wines than through The Beer Store?" said Premier Grate McGinty. "We already have a deposit system in place where consumers must bring back their empties to The Beer Store, so they know their way quite well. They'll be able to return bottles and buy new ones at the same outlet."

 

It is anticipated that revenue sharing and mark-ups with The Beer Store will actually lower costs and thus reduce overall retail prices. Harley Crusted, owner-winemaker of Pandemic Estates Winery, said "Wonderful..now I can buy that diamond necklace for my little dog, Princess". Small Chubby Wino of the OVA gleefully rubbed his hands at the news. "Now we got 'em"! he exclaimed. A tight-lipped senior official at the LCBO said, "No comment".
 
More as this topic develops...Your own comments, please?
 
 
 

Sunday, September 21, 2008

GOSHerald Advisory

GRAIN OF SALT ADVISORY: On the advice of my lawyers, the LCBO, the SAQ, the Canadian Library Association, the Canadian Committee to Protect Journalists, the Freedom of Information Act, the Electronic Frontier, Project Censored, Dr. Deacon Fresh, the Wine Writers Circle of Canada, Magazines Canada, Culinary Historians of Ontario, Book and Periodical Council of Canada, and Snopes –

 

I must add a "take it with a grain of salt" note to each and every spoof and lampoon I post about food, wines, beers and spirits in Canada. I regret this action, but obviously my postings cut too close to the bone; they have a ring of truth about them. They are NOT truths; they are lies, fabrications, rumours, fake news, pseudo news, heinous myths with a faux voix. Hence, http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

 

But apparently they are believable enough that some writers have been deceived. For that, I apologize. Herewith are ashes and sackcloths, grovelings, and all that.

 

As always, I do what I can to produce articles which are pleasing in every way. Life, however, mocks my efforts. Sometimes I live to regret the clever turns of phrase that seemed so very right at the time. I apologize for errors, ill-conceived metaphors, mistakes of spelling or pronunciation, opinions that will come back to haunt me in years to come, and solecisms of every description. Like you, I try my damnedest, but it doesn't always work. Still, perhaps next time.

 

Just so you know what is true and what is not, I'm preceding my lampoons with a GOSHerald – "Grain of Salt Herald". E & OE.

 
 
 

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Email Wine Fraud?

Well, it turns out that somebody in the GTA is sending a templated email to all the wine importers, complaining about a bottle of wine he had (off taste? corked?) and wondering if the agency would make good his purchase, such as a free bottle or something. The same sort of email has been circulating to a series of restaurants, complaining about wine or service or food. I hear that free certificates for future visits have been issued.
 
Nice scam..But  it is now in the hands of the Toronto fraud squad..
 
Anybody know what's happening?
 
 
 

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Archaic LCBO upholds the Equally Archaic 1928 Importation of Intoxicating Liquors Act « END THE LCBO

From End the LCBO blog:

"I recently stumbled upon a gem of a Canadian law called the 1928 Importation of Intoxicating Liquors Act (IILA). This is one of those truly silly pieces of legislation enacted in the prohibition era to "save" Canadians from the evil of drink. Somehow it has survived till now.

Basically the IILA prevents the importation into a province of any "intoxicating" liquor that has not been purchased on behalf of and consigned to the government liquor body of the province. Among other things this means that if, say, a Quebecer visits an Ontarian winery website and wants to order a bottle of wine direct from the winery – they can't. It contradicts the good old 1928 Importation of Intoxicating Liquors Act."

More at:
 
 
 
 

Monday, September 15, 2008

Wine to be sold at Farmers Markets in Toronto

This just in from Wine News Service...
 
TORONTO - (WNS) - In a stunning victory for the Farmers Market movement in Ontario, the provincial government has decided to allow wine to be sold at Farmers Markets. There are restrictions, of course, all applied by the LCBO which had apparently fought the issue tooth and nail.
 
First, the wines can only be sold in a closed-off tent no more than three metres by three metres by three metres in size. It has to be located in the northeast corner of every market, for the sake of consistency. Portable potties must also be provided. Only LCBO personnel will be allowed to sell, and there will be no sampling.
 
Second, purchasers are restricted to a maximum of two bottles only, one red and one white.
 
Third, the wines have to be tied-in to the ethnic character of the region. Hence, the wines at Withrow Park on the Danforth must only be Greek wines. The wines at Dufferin Grove park must only be Portuguese wines. The wines at Riverdale Organic Market must only be organic wines.
 
As part of the pilot project, the wines will only be in the city of Toronto, and, in typical LCBO fashion, will only be available this year starting in October, just before the markets shut down for the winter. The Dufferin Grove Market, open all year, is expected to be under heavy pressure for winter sales of Port and Madeira from Portugal.
 
Little Fat Wino, commenting from his home in rainy Eastern Ontario, said: "Once again the fruit wineries in Ontario have been shut out. This business of selling at Farmers Markets was originally OUR idea -- it was stolen from us by the government looking for additional revenue streams."  It was pointed out to him that all Ontario wines, no matter what their origin, were shut out. An unnamed source in the LCBO Research Department responded: "We don't consider Ontario wines and fruit wines to be real wines exhibiting terroir. These Ontario wines can be made anywhere and do not reflect the regional character."
 
More as the story develops...
 
 
 
 

Friday, September 12, 2008

OntarioWineReview.com - Newsletter 0091 - The LCBO . We're Stuck With Them (by Michael Pinkus)

Nobody dislikes the LCBO more than a wine writer, it's not being boastful, it's just a fact.  I feel that those who shop only at the LiCk-BO and don't go to trade events are the lucky ones.  They don't know what they are missing.  They don't get to try some mouth-watering wines that make you covet them immediately.  They know not of the insanely cheap prices our friends south of the border get, the discounts, mail in rebates, 3-for-$10 specials, or heaven forbid, a $2 bottle of wine.  They'll never know that some of the wines you try at these events are only sold through an agent by the case, but many people don't buy by the case, they want 3 or 4 at the most.  "Get in with a friend," you'll be told, "our hands are tied."  And tied they are, by, you guessed it, the protective liquor board, saving our cities and towns from the wilds of alcohol.

It's those who travel outside the country that get the biggest shock of all.  They find out that Mondavi makes a true Bordeaux blend called Vinetta, or that Rosenblum makes about 800 kinds of Zinfandel … and yet their Ontario agent can't get it, never heard of it or won't bring it in.  If you try on your own, well you'll pay close to, if not more than, double what you paid for it outside the country, thus taking all the fun and value out of your little finds and giving you a headache bigger than if you drank the whole bottle yourself in half-an-hour on an empty stomach.  Sure this system we have might work for a case of 2-Buck-Chuck, but "I-can't-believe-it's-only-12-bucks" a wine find gets close to $30 once you get it home where the LCBO puts it's grubby little duties and taxes on it … then it just doesn't seem like such a deal anymore, does it?
 
More at
 
 
 
 
 

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Wine Writer Vilifies VQA wines, causes much concern among colleagues...

A wine writer has inadvertently produced a Freudian slip, says another wine writer colleague who pointed out to me the following paragraph from an article:
 
 VQA stands for vintners' quality alliance. It also stands for wine that was grown in Ontario (BC as well) to very high standards. Vinification is also held to high standards. These wines pass both the "buy local" test and the terroir test. When I buy a VQA wine, I know what I'm getting. It won't be "Cellared in" or "Cellared by" or "Blended and bottled by". Were it allowed on the label, VQA wines might say "Made from grapes we planted ourselves; grew, tended and harvested ourselves; vilified, aged and bottled ourselves at our own winery." The back label might say "This wine expresses the unique qualities found only when these grapes are allowed to grow right here, in this soil."
 
Yes, said another wine colleague, "some should be vilified for sure!"
 
When asked to comment, the original writer blamed it all on spellcheck. Yeah, right.
 
He said: "Where would we be without spell checkers that take our odd, sometimes misspelled words and replaces them with more interesting ones? I think that to be technically correct, the vilification would take place after bottling rather than before."

I like "vilified" better, since sometimes VQA can stand for Very Questionable Assessment....
 
More on this story as it develops.
 
 
 

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Fruit wines of Ontario want a Fair Deal (from Jim Warren)

Sent on the letterhead of the Fruit Wines of Ontario

The Honourable Harinder Takhar,
Minister of Small Business and Consumer Services,
Suite 1306 Whitney Block,
Queen's Park,
99 Wellesley St. W.,
TORONTO, Ontario.
M7A 1W2


Dear Minister Takhar:

The following story is true to life:

A man owned a small winery in Ontario. The Provincial Wage and Hour Ministry
claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent out an agent to
interview him.
"1 need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." demanded the
agent.
"Well," replied the winery owner, "there's my winery hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. He continued:
"The Chef has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300 a week plus
benefits.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night. He
also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the agent. "That
would be me," replied the winemaker.

Though they may not enjoy being called 'half-wits" many small Ontario winery
owners to-day are feeling like the winemaker in the story. They have come
into the industry over the last 15 years, driven by their passion to make
Ontario wine, only to discover that the playing field for wineries in this
province is not level and to face a system that often puts them at a
competitive disadvantage when selling their wines.

Everyone understands that the purpose of policies and
laws relating to Ontario wine since the early 1990's has been both to
encourage the production of quality wine and to address in some measure the
losses faced by the wine industry after the Free Trade and GATT agreements.
Most winery owners thus accept the reality of 'grand-fathered privileges'
enjoyed by established businesses and it is easy to understand and
appreciate government's on-going financial and other support for our VQA
system.

I am writing to you to-day on behalf of the 15 members of Fruit Wines of
Ontario (FWO) and the 45 members of the Ontario Vinicultural Association
(OVA) who do not understand the inappropriate discrimination that other
wineries are facing in this province and who are now contemplating another
harvest of their 1OO% Ontario grown grapes and fruit with serious concerns.

In particular we have been advocating for some time that a change be made in
the policy (described by the AGCO as 'section 3 of the Terms and Conditions
for the on-site fruit winery retail store) that restricts a fruit winery to
making only 20% of its wine from grapes. I have met with Luisa Tomej, Maria
DiFabrizio, and Kathy Clarke to discuss the matter in depth and have written
to the Honourable Ted MeMeekin, but have yet to receive any response. This
will be a serious problem for a small Ontario winery again this Fall - -
already threatened by the AGCO with having their licence revoked - - which
is growing its own grapes that it cannot use to make into wine. There are
many problems related to this 'policy' and I would caution that ignoring a
problem like this is not a solution. It is urgent that a solution be found
before the matter becomes one of embarrassment to all concerned this
vintage.

There are 3 other issues or concerns that I would like to bring to your
attention.

1. Some 3 years ago financial support was offered to VQA wines being sold
in the LCBO by your Ministry. Other producers of quality, 100% Ontario
wines, both fruit and grape, were excluded from this consideration.

2. VQA wines that are direct delivered to a licencee receive a different
financial treatment than other wines, whether 'Cellared in Canada' or
non-VQA fruit and grape wines. The return to the winery for VQA sales is
considerably higher.

No one is questionning the support being given to VQA wines but from the
point of view of many other wineries this is providing an unfair competitive
edge to VQA. All wineries in Ontario pay the same taxes and fees otherwise
and abide by the same regulations. Surely all lOO% Ontario produced wines
should be sold to the LCBO and to licencees under the same rules! In this
way all Ontario quality wine could benefit from an equality of opportunity
which is now lacking and serving as a deterrent to the growth and survival
of many small Ontario businesses.

3. It is also unfortunate that these same wineries are prohibited by the VQA
ACT from even using the word "Ontario" or any form of it as in "Ontario
grown" or "Product of Ontario" on their wine labels even though by law they
must use lOO% Ontario fruit in making their wines. To 'protect' the
credibility of the VQA appellation "VQA Ontario VQA" it is suggested that
other wineries producing fruit wines or non-VQA grape wines might somehow
confuse consumers by using the word 'Ontario' and destroy consumer
confidence in Ontario wines. The VQA has the authority to enforce this
feeling and does send 'inspectors' around to check on the wine labels of
fruit wineries and grape wine producers outside our DVAs.
I believe we are creating an unfortunate situation by denying the logical
use of the word "Ontario" by every winery and it would be better for all
concerned if some serious thought was given to making a change somewhere
along the line.

Our member wineries are asking, through your Ministry, that your government
consider the issues that are making life difficult for them and to implement
significant change that would go a long way to ensuring more equality of
opportunity among our wineries. We believe that for one Ontario winery to
have a financial competitive advantage over another as result of government
initiatives is simply wrong...and I would appreciate having the opportunity
to discuss these concerns with you at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Jim Warren

Executive Director, FWO
President, OVA


Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Thursday, September 4, 2008

"LCBO and the Beer Store ... arcane ..." -- Derek Forward (Netnewsledger)

Monday, 01 September 2008 via Netnewsledger

Thunder Bay, ON -- Are you a beer drinker? Derek Forward might be fighting a
fight that you might want to join. Eight weeks ago, Forward started an
online petition to end the Beer Store monopoly in Ontario. "The LCBO and the
Beer Store, both founded 1927, are arcane institutions that have no place in
today's world. Originally founded out of a puritan belief that all alcohol
consumption was wicked, these two monopolies have controlled the
warehousing, distribution, and retail of alcohol in Ontario ever since,"
according to Forward.

"We believe that in today's world, individuals do not need their consumption
habits to be dictated by government institutions. People should be free to
buy the sorts of alcohol they want, from the outlets they choose, when they
desire. Producers of alcohol including small wineries and craft breweries,
many of whom have been hurt by the policies of the Beer Store and LCBO
monopolies, should be free to sell their product through whatever
distribution system they choose, or to set up outlets of their own. As for
retailing alcohol, this should no longer be the domain of the 2 monopolies
but be a product option for businesses like grocery stores, gas stations,
and convenience stores".

Forward's contention is that The Beer Store, which many people believe is
run by the Ontario Government is actually run by the Molson Coors Brewing
Co. (48%), Belgium-based beer giant InBev (48%), and Japan-based Sapporo.

The problem outlined by Forward in his campaign is that both The Beer Store
and the LCBO in Ontario eliminate choice and are out of touch with today's
consumers.

The cause has been picked up online at Free Our Beer, a website dedicated to
"reforming Ontario's beer retail system, from a craft point of view".

One of the goals of this campaign is to assist local craft breweries in
getting their products in front of consumers.

If you are interested in finding out more visit www.endthelcbo.com.


Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Wine lovers told: don't spend more than £6.99 a bottle - Telegraph UK (by John Bingham)

A group of leading connoisseurs from around the world agreed that £6.99 should be enough to buy what they would consider a "decent" bottle in a British shop.

Above that figure, the differences were more about "individual taste" than quality, they said.

Judges taking part in Decanter magazine's World Wine Awards came up with the price amid fears that customers are regularly paying over the odds in an effort to satisfy the wine snobs.

Their guidance will come as a welcome relief to the nervous dinner party guest eager to impress and will make the task of selecting wine a slightly less

More at --
 
 
 
 
 
 

Friday, August 29, 2008

Access to Ontario Restaurants Needed by Non-VQA Ontario Wineries

LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD

FOR ONTARIO WINERIES

RELEASE # 4, August 2008

 

Please forward this to anyone you think may be interested or contact your choice of news provider.

 

UNFAIR ACCESS TO ONTARIO RESTAURANTS

 

Significant and increasing acreage of 100% Ontario grown wines are not Vintners Quality Alliance certified.  A VQA wine sold to a restaurant receives preferential financial treatment which results in a significantly higher return to the winery.    Non-VQA wines delivered to a restaurant by a winery are treated as a sale to the LCBO.  The difference in the two treatments can amount to more than a third of the total retail value – perhaps $340 on the sale of $1,000 to a restaurant.  This is money "earned" by LCBO even though they do not make the wine, make the sale, deliver the wine or pay any of the costs involved.  Small wineries making 100% Ontario non-VQA wine cannot afford this disadvantage. 

 

VQA in Ontario will not sanction any wine made from anything but grapes or any of the increasingly large acreages of hybrid vines that are now growing in many portions of southern and Central Ontario.  In British Columbia 100% BC grown wines sold directly to a restaurant – VQA or not – are taxed the same.  Are we really that far behind BC?

 

This is obviously discriminatory.  Consumers are asking small wineries why they cannot find their wines in local restaurants.  Ontario wineries need equal tax treatment.  OVA calls upon the Ontario government to allow all 100% Ontario wines and ciders to be sold to licensees under the same rules. 

 

The Ontario Viniculture Association welcomes all interested parties to join with us. 

Ontario Viniculture Association

Jim Warren

http://littlefatwino.com/ova.html

Larry Paterson

President

 

Vice President

paradise@mountaincable.net

 

littlefatwino@trytel.net

 

OVA is an organization which has 45 Winery members as of this information release. 

A minimum of 80% of this membership voted in favour of providing this information.

 

Please communicate your thoughts by emailing any of the following:

 

Liberal Party – Dalton McGuinty dmcguinty.mpp.co@liberal.ola.org

Conservative Party – John Tory john.tory@pc.ola.org

New Democratic Party – Howard Hampton hhampton-co@ndp.on.ca

Green Party admin@gpo.ca

 
 
 

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Woman charged with giving wine to baby

 

Woman charged with giving wine to baby

LOUISVILLE, Ky., Aug. 21 (UPI) -- A Missouri woman at the Kentucky State Fair has been arrested after allegedly giving wine to her infant child.

Kathryn Bowen, 40, was arrested and charged with endangering the welfare of a minor Wednesday after a police officer said he saw the woman's actions. The report alleged Bowen was seen buying wine in Freedom Hall, pouring it into a baby bottle and then giving it to her 11-month-old, WKLY-TV, Louisville, reported Thursday.

Police reports say when confronted Bowen admitted she was feeding wine to the child to help her sleep. The child has been placed in protective custody..

 
Dean Tudor, Ryerson University Journalism Professor Emeritus
Look it up and you'll remember it; screw it up and you'll never forget it.
http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Monday, August 25, 2008

Wine & Spirits Daily: Wine Spectator: Unfairly Duped?

Wine Spectator: Unfairly Duped?

Earlier this week it was revealed that a fake restaurant was awarded Wine Spectator Award of Excellence. Since then, forums, blogs and industry publications have been blowing up with opinions over the issue.

Dr. Vino's wine blog first covered the story on Tuesday with the opening words: "If you decided to get a Wine Spectator Award of Excellence for you restaurant wine list, what would you need? The answer according to Robin Goldstein is $250 and Microsoft Word. Restaurant not actually required."

Goldstein, the author of The Wine Trials, stated on his website that he created a fake restaurant and submitted an application for the award as research for an academic paper. He named the restaurant "Osteria L'Intrepido," which means "Fearless Critic," submitted the application fee ($250), a cover letter, a copy of the restaurant's menu, which he deems "a fun amalgamation of somewhat bumbling nouvelle-Italian recipes," and a wine list. The so-called restaurant claimed to be in Milan.
 
More at
 
 
 
 

Thursday, August 21, 2008

LCBO TO LICENSE WINE WRITERS IN ONTARIO

This just in from WNS (Weird News Service) --
 
TORONTO -- (WNS) --  The Liquor Control Board of Ontario has today announced that
it will begin licensing alcohol beverage writers in Ontario. A spokesman for the LCBO,
who asked to be nameless, said that this would be yet another source of revenue for the
coffers of the Ontario government. "We like to grab a lot of money from the alcohol
beverage industry. It makes us feel good, and it pads our bottom line."
 
Exemptions would be made, of course, for those writers who contribute to the LCBO's
"Food and Drink" magazine. But other publications such as "Toronto Life", "Tidings",
"Vines" , "TAPS" and "Wine Access" would be forced to hire only licensed Ontario
writers or writers from other provinces.  Newspapers and broadcasters will also have to
apply for licensed writer status.
 
Accreditation would be essential, according to the LCBO. There will be no
grandfathering. Each writer would have to pay to take an LCBO online course, which is
several weeks in duration, followed by a comprehensive fault and flaw analysis tasting,
followed by a tasting of Ontario wines (not necessarily VQA and not necessarily grapes).
Beer and spirit writers will have their own nosing programs.
 
Those who succeed in these endeavours will be invited to take the test which is a
necessary prelude to the licensing process.  There will be testing fees and annual levies
assessed for membership. It is also anticipated that the LCBO will receive a 15% royalty
on all alcohol beverage writing fees, but it is unclear whether these funds will come from
the publication or from the writer or, as in the case of wine auctions, from both.
 
All writing about alcohol in Ontario must be submitted to the LCBO's Quality Assurance
Laboratory for controls over the expressions in writing and the actual tasting notes, for a
fee. Any re-submissions, extra proofreading, and heavy copyediting will be assessed a
separate fee, which must be paid by the writer and not the publication.
 
When asked about photographs, the LCBO spokesperson denied their existence. "We get
all our shots from stock libraries". When asked about blogging, the LCBO said that
"Everybody blogs. Nobody has any time to read any of them…we really don't care."
 
SheeLa Pure-Swirling Dervish, currently President of the Wine Writers Circle, has
admitted that the group could be defunct within a year. "All of our full-time members are
in the GTA, with a group in Niagara. We've only a handful of writer-members from
outside the province. If the LCBO is to license writers through accreditation, then that
takes away from us any measure of self-policing and any rationale for continuing
membership of the Ontario writers."  Ms. Dervish left immediately on a wine tour of the
Okanagan Valley in BC.
 
The LCBO has also announced that the licensing program will be administered by Sage
Darby, the head cheese responsible for many such food and wine administrative bodies.
She has refused to comment, saying only "I have my methods".
 
 

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Offensive Wine Labels

Hey, check out these offensive wine labels from the great province of Ontario...
 
http://littlefatwino.com/offensivelabels.html    is now online, linked to Lardy's front page. 
 
 
 

Monday, August 11, 2008

Wine Competitions are One Big Racket from Vinography: A Wine Blog

08.10.2008

Wine Competitions are One Big Racket

If I ever wanted to make a lot of money in the wine industry, I know just
what I'd do. It wouldn't be starting a vineyard, or publishing a book, or
making my own wine, or marketing someone else's. No if I wanted to make a
pile of money, I'd simply organize a big wine competition.

Such competitions and their gold medals are good for one thing and one thing
only: making a pile of money for the people who organize them. I don't
believe the do a bit of good for the wine industry as a whole, no matter how
excited all those gold-medal-winning wineries are.
Now I'm a die-hard capitalist at heart. The folks that run these wine
competitions are doing their best to get along in the world just like
everyone else. I've got nothing against them personally. But I see the
endless parade (more and more are started every year) of wine competitions
as no better than those talent scouting scams you see in the paper, where
overly hopeful parents of young actresses and models-to-be get sucked into
paying "talent fees" for the chance to have their offspring "considered" for
representation by a talent agent that may not even exist, let alone have the
connections needed to turn someone into a star.
In other words: one big racket. Here's an excerpt from one such
competition's literature:

"NEW Competition! Look at the Super Star Pro Wine Buyers Lined Up to Judge
Your Greatest Wines! Get your wines tasted by top U.S. Professional Wine
Buyers from Andronico's Market, Dean and Deluca, IL Forniao Restaurant
Group, Playboy Mansion West.
$75 per entry Early Bird until August 16. SO DON'T WAIT. Enter Now.

More at

http://www.vinography.com/archives/2008/08/wine_competitions_are_one_big.html

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Vincor takes yet another hit: On the Road with the Grape Guy: Report from ... Fiesta Buckhorn - July 19, 2008

Vincor (A Constellation Company) seems to me to be having trouble with its labels. Eagle-eyed Michael Pinkus (Ontario Wine Review's Grape Guy) found a major label swap on the JT lines...According to my records, the score is now Grape Guy 4, Vincor 0... Here's what he said:
" … a BIG FAT boo-hiss-hiss boo (that's the jeer folks) to Jackson-Triggs, who pulled off a double shame-on-them. First, at an Ontario wine event that focuses and showcases Ontario products (wine, food, beer, ingredients, etc) they had the audacity to pour their blends: Esprit and Naked Grape concoctions; but that's only the beginning of their faux pas. The biggest travesty was the bottle of Black Label Jackson-Triggs 2005 Merlot … as many of you are hopefully aware, Jackson-Triggs had always distinguished their off-shore and VQA products with a White Label (blend) and Black Label (VQA – 100% Ontario) … seems they are pulling a fast one to fool the public; the 2005 Merlot Black Label is a non-VQA made from "a higher level and quality New Zealand grapes," according to my server, as if that makes this ruse more palatable. Does this company have no shame, or pride, left?"

Catch more from my man Michael at:
http://ontheroadwithgrapeguy.blogspot.com/2008/08/report-from-fiesta-buckhorn-july-19.html