The Mother of All Wine Apps

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH reveals that the world-renowned Wine Writers' Circle of Canada has been developing a new wine app for mobiles.

 

To be called, simply, The Mother Of All Wine Apps (MOAWA), it features drop-down menus galore and a patented winnowing process via a simple question-and-answer processed routine. Suggestions can be saved and printed out.

 

It'll be extremely useful for spur of the moment recommendations, for scanning store shelves, for restaurant suggestions, and for wine snobs.

 

Version 0.9 is in beta, and will cover the following –

 

-detailed information on all the wine basics, including every one of the 17,000-plus wine regions of the world, every single vintage note since the 11^th century for each of these regions, all of the 24,578 grape varieties grown, and terroir microclimate notes (with accompanying Google maps and Google historical maps for every 12-hour period in the history of the earth). There is also a long detailed history (with artwork) of winemaking, beginning with the Sumerians.

 

-detailed travel notes to each one of these 17,000-plus regions, with new regions being added daily. Notes include the usual (accommodations, food, points of interest, local wines)

 

-detailed descriptions of viticulture, including life in the vineyard, the cycle of the grapevine (from grape to basket), organic and biodynamic techniques, with a selection of horns.

 

-detailed descriptions on how to taste and appreciate wine, with material about red, white and rose wines, sparkling wines, dessert wines, fortified wines – even fruit wines! There are literally scores of millions of wine choices by taste and style (when associated with a region or a country or a meal or food choices).

 

-wine and music choices. MOAWA has a database of every single piece of music created since 20,000 BCE, all nicely reconciled with the wine database. There are mood and spirit relationships with the wines and the notes. You are only three touch screens away from millions of wine and music recommendations, custom tailored to your musical preferences and to the preferences of all of your friends via Facebook, MySpace, etc. Make your own "wine ringtones" from any number of eight-bar samples that are created from every single tune ever written.

 

-wine and literature. References are indexed to every single piece of literature, play and cinema, all cross-referenced for your convenience. Wines are listed in context of the prose so that you can begin to spout words at two touches of the screen.

 

-a directory to some 12.5 million wineries on this planet, complete with names and addresses, websites, capacity, grape varieties used, rated-ranking notes, names of top employees and winemakers, full tasting notes on every single commercially available wine (plus any experimental wines), tasting notes on library and earlier vintages, and tax filings. The system also has the capacity to add notes for every single vine growing in the winery's vineyard; this will be offered with MOAWA 2.0! Everything here is cross-referenced and itemized, accessible with only three screen touches!!!

 

-a directory of every single wine store and branch location in the world, with complete names and addresses, websites, labels and wines for sale (plus how much stock for each), rated-ranking notes, names of top employees and wine advisers, and full tasting notes on every single commercially available wine -- exclusively written by that store's staff.

[NB: For proprietary legal reasons, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (LCBO) directory is not available to the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. One member of the WWCC suggested that you could purchase MOAWA through the offshore grey market]

 

-a Google directory (with full analysis) to every single wine collector in the world (minimum range: 800 bottles or $15,000 appraised value), complete with a GPS location finder and a security camera to determine the whereabouts of the owner at every moment of the day.

 

-a directory to every single one of the 42 million hotels, restaurants, bistros and cafés in the world that sell wine, with names, addresses, websites, employees, wine cards, stocks, etc. It is updated every time a bottle of wine is sold or taken from inventory. There is also a sorting capability by selling price, enabling you to see at a glance what the current restaurant price is for the wine plus local taxes and local tips (in either Canadian or US dollars plus Euros if needed). Every single wine card on the planet has been analyzed and cross-referenced to find you the best wine value in terms of what food you want to eat – no matter where you are in the world!

 

-a directory and finding aid for each of the 12,000 wine auction houses in the world. This will enable you to constantly check on the current status of the value of your wine collection. Prices can be sorted by 78 different parameters, including the upper limits that taxation agencies will accept for charitable donations. There is also a subset for every single charity in the world that will issue a tax receipt for a donated bottle of wine. The MOAWA has the ability to run the wine-auction database against the wine store database, your personal cellar database, and against the charity database (with reported wine donation tax receipts) in order to find you the BEST deal for your donated wine, automatically factoring in cost of shipping from your home cellar.

 

-suggested wine and food pairings for every single food, wine, cooking method, spicing component, and the like, that has ever been developed by mankind. You can pick through wines with meals or wines with foods, wines for every occasion in any of the 15,000 religious and government statutory (and non-statutory) holiday calendars of the entire world.

There is also a reverse lookup function via food pairings for your wine. Each food-wine match is rated on how close it comes to Nirvana; a rating of 90 means that it is 90% close, as in Perfection Salad.

 

-there is also a spectacular wine and cheese matching subset that is so involved and detailed that we have no space here to cover it, except to mention that every single molecule of wine and every single molecule of cheese is covered,

 

 

-a word-by-word Boolean index to every single PRINTED wine tasting note in all the major AND the minor books and periodicals ever published as regards wine. We estimate this database to contain titles of some 5,400,260 unique newsletters and magazines (not to mention the frequency of them all) and 400,000 books – guaranteed at least 4,775,000,000 (and counting) notes. This includes Parker Junior who fought the WWCC at every turn. Join us with the "creative writing bot™": write your own wine reviews of wines you have tasted, based on our suggestions for phrases used by other reviewers! A boon to budding wine writers!!

 

-a detailed and comprehensive, cross-referenced word-by-word Boolean index to the 7.5 billion wine blogs on the Internet, and to email versions of wine newsletters – a resource worth the price of the app by itself.

 

-notes on how to build any one of 10,000 different wine cellars from scratch, with at least 1 million different wine recommendations (updated). There are also several scores of cellar management software programs to pick and choose from, including manuals and simulations.

 

-how to keep track of your own wine notes, backed up continuously. This edition allows you to tag and snag a label image for your personal tasting records, in addition to finding wine-food pairing notes for the table.

 

-a social networking feature that lets you post wine notes to Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Yuwie, Ning, MySpace, Google Buzz, Flickr, Orkut, LinkedIn, Ustream and others as necessary. In addition, you'll be able to retrieve any of the 8 billion wine notes posted by others to Facebook, etc., in any sequence of retrieval by 84 different parameters. Also, you'll be able to communicate continuously with your other MOAWA purchaser buddies and complain about deficiencies and bugs in the special MOAWA forum. This will lead nicely to MOAWA 2.0.

 

The DeLuxe version of MOAWA (available for just a few dollars more) will include "Sensurama"™, the technique developed by the WWCC for smelling aromas and bouquets at a distance through your mobile. In addition, there will be full capability for photographing a wine bottle or label, at which point you can receive just about everything ever written on that particular wine within nano-seconds. Be informed!! There is also a translation function that will allow you to recall any text ever written about wine in any of some 25,000 languages and dialects, including Tagalog and Esperanto. An optional pull-out corkscrew is also available for those who are convinced that the corkscrew will not go away.

 

 

AND, of course, there is a continual stream of massive updates every second of the day, with major updates being announced by a gong. For example, every time a bottle of any wine is sold or comes off a bottling line, the winery and wine store databases are updated. Current vintage releases from every winery in the world will be available to you as it happens. Your personal preferences will also be reconciled.

 

 

And the best part of it is this: YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET for the basic flash drive module! That's right – all of this data resides in flash memory inside your mobile device. You pay just once for the basic setup data ($1.99 or $4.99 for the DeLuxe model featuring Sensuroma™, TagALabel™, TranslateWine(TM) and Corkscrew™).

 

Updates, though, will cost you some money – and for these updates you must be connected to the Internet.

 

While The Mother of All Wine Apps is still in beta testing mode, the WWCC plans to offer the service at a flat rate of $1.99 for the basic app (as outlined above), $4.99 for the Deluxe version, and $17 a year for the continual updates.

 

How is all this accomplished? Two words:  CCTV and RFID. Little Fat Wino is watching out for all of us!!

 

The Treasurer of the WWCC has gone on the record as saying that the Circle expects to rake in billions of dollars this year.

 

The WWCC has hired master huckster Dan Aykroyd who has his own winery in Ontario to handle the sales….so, come on down!!!

 

More on this story as the MOAWA passes beta…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING WIND, er, NEWS: High Administrative Changes at the LCBO

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH has learned that the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will change the reporting structure of the LCBO, A Crown Corporation. The Grate McGinty is scheduled to make an announcement later on the afternoon of April 1, but we have advance notice of some of the initial details.

 

Allegedly, the LCBO will now report to the Ministry of Agriculture, since the Crown Corporation deals largely with a food product, particularly a safe, pasteurized food product.

 

Apparently, the new incoming Chair of the LCBO is to be Larry Paterson, of Peterborough, a former top employee of the Crown Corporation. He will be crowned later in the week. There are those who will say that he has been bought by the Ontario government, to be forever silenced.

 

The new CEO who will actually run the LCBO will be Michael Pinkus, currently Head Writer for the Ontario Wine Review. He too has been bought by the Ontario government, to be forever silenced.

 

The restructuring will have only three divisions: Wines, Beers, and Spirits. Dean Tudor, currently running FauxVoixVinCuisine, will head up the wines sector. He is expected to step down as Head Satirist; he has also been bought by the LCBO, to be forever silenced.

 

Readers are cautioned that some of the statements contained in this release may be forward-looking statements, such as expectations, estimates and statements that describe the Ontario (A Have-Not Province) Government's future plans, objectives or goals, including words to the effect that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (LCBO) or management expects a stated condition to exist or occur. Generally, these forward-looking statements can be identified by the use of terminology such as "outlook", "anticipate", "believe", "estimate", "expect", "intend", "should", and similar weasel expressions. Since forward-looking statements address future events and conditions, by their very nature, they involve inherent risks and uncertainties. Actual results in each case could differ from those currently anticipated in such statements by reason of factors such as, but not limited to, changes in general economic and market conditions. The GOSH Wine News Service disclaims any intention or obligation to update or revise publicly any forward-looking statements, whether as a result of new information, future events or results, or otherwise.

 

More on these administrative changes later, but before some will say that we are forever bought out and silenced. Long live Ontario!!

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

RE: GOSH: Fake news in Ontario wine industry? Shurely not...

Sounds like some (public service?) union in a snit

 

Michael Botner

Accounting for Taste

1108 Menu Road

West Kelowna, BC  V1Z 2J5

Canada

Phone: (250) 769-2836

Cell: (250) 862-7122

Fax: (250) 769-2865

Email: michael@michaelonwine.ca

Website: www.michaelonwine.ca

 

 

 

---

From: Dean Tudor, Wine Writer [mailto:dtudor@pathcom.com]
Sent: Tuesday, March 23, 2010 7:30 AM
To: blog2
Subject: GOSH: Fake news in Ontario wine industry? Shurely not...

 

 

REAL NEWS ITEM:  Fake prime-time news report of Russian tanks entering the capital causes panic in Georgia.

Do we have fake news here in Ontario? Certainly “Cellared in Canada” is fake wine. The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (LCBO) is a fake Clown, er Crown, Corporation. The prices of wines in restaurants are fake prices. Some wine writing is fake: it's not hard to be a real wine writer -- you just have to have opinions about wines and find someone to pay you for those opinions. So why not fake news?  Here’s one of the latest  --

WELLINGTON and WELLAND, Ontario -- (GOSH Wine News Services)  --Winemakers in southern Ontario have burned two police cars and vandalized LCBO liquor stores during protests to demand government aid.

Vintners in Ontario's Niagara  and Prince Edward County regions have been protesting plummeting prices for their regional grapes and wines as well as rising fuel costs.

Hundreds of wine and grape growers demonstrated in both Welland and Wellington to demand government emergency measures and financial support as local wine and grape prices continue to fall. Demonstrators were tear gassed by police during clashes in both St. Catharines and Welland. Tasers were in evidence in Prince Edward County’s Wellington area.

Protesters broke windows at the courthouse in the city of Welland. In Prince Edward County near Picton, protesters wielding baseball bats chased police from their vehicles and set the cars on fire. Protesters also damaged four bank buildings here, to protest foreclosures. There are reports of other buildings being torched  throughout the North Shore of Lake Erie.

At several LCBO stores throughout southern Ontario, the winemakers sacked the wine aisles. Two police were slightly injured in the protests Monday and early Tuesday. Over the weekend, frustrated fruit winery workers firebombed several Farmers' Markets in a co-ordinated attack throughout Southern Ontario.

More from our embedded reporter as the story develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Fake news in Ontario wine industry? Shurely not...

 

REAL NEWS ITEM:  Fake prime-time news report of Russian tanks entering the capital causes panic in Georgia.

Do we have fake news here in Ontario? Certainly "Cellared in Canada" is fake wine. The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (LCBO) is a fake Clown, er Crown, Corporation. The prices of wines in restaurants are fake prices. Some wine writing is fake: it's not hard to be a real wine writer -- you just have to have opinions about wines and find someone to pay you for those opinions. So why not fake news?  Here's one of the latest  --

WELLINGTON and WELLAND, Ontario -- (GOSH Wine News Services)  --Winemakers in southern Ontario have burned two police cars and vandalized LCBO liquor stores during protests to demand government aid.

Vintners in Ontario's Niagara  and Prince Edward County regions have been protesting plummeting prices for their regional grapes and wines as well as rising fuel costs.

Hundreds of wine and grape growers demonstrated in both Welland and Wellington to demand government emergency measures and financial support as local wine and grape prices continue to fall. Demonstrators were tear gassed by police during clashes in both St. Catharines and Welland. Tasers were in evidence in Prince Edward County's Wellington area.

Protesters broke windows at the courthouse in the city of Welland. In Prince Edward County near Picton, protesters wielding baseball bats chased police from their vehicles and set the cars on fire. Protesters also damaged four bank buildings here, to protest foreclosures. There are reports of other buildings being torched  throughout the North Shore of Lake Erie.

At several LCBO stores throughout southern Ontario, the winemakers sacked the wine aisles. Two police were slightly injured in the protests Monday and early Tuesday. Over the weekend, frustrated fruit winery workers firebombed several Farmers' Markets in a co-ordinated attack throughout Southern Ontario.

More from our embedded reporter as the story develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Personnel transferred from Cellared in Canada sales to VQA sales

 

REAL NEWS ITEM: Because of the new HST coming in July, both the Ontario and B.C. governments have transferred thousands of tax collectors to the Federal government payroll. While Ontario has offered an average $45,000 severance pay with no seniority, B.C. has offered seniority but no severance pay.

 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning series of decisions today, both the governments of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) and British Columbia (A Have Province) will announce the transfer of all their employees actively working on "Cellared in Canada" wines to the Vintners Quality Alliance (VQA).

 

Thousands of civil servants in Canada, principally at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (A Clown, er, Crown Corporation) dba LCBO, will be moved from flogging "Cellared in Canada" wines to flogging "VQA" wines. This action was taken without any consultation with the VQA nor with the LCBO; the latter is to hold its own fire sale later in the year.

 

In Ontario, these workers will enjoy a severance package of 70% of their annual wages, with a salary reduction of 30% (soon to rise to 40%) based on Cellared in Canada's Ontario wine content. The VQA is supposed to make up the rest of their wages as soon as the stretch water component of "Cellared in Canada" wines can be determined.

 

Out by the Pacific, the position of the British Columbia Liquor Control and Licensing Branch dba BC Liquor Stores has been that a salary reduction of 100% to fit the "Cellared in Canada" wines in B.C. can be augmented by a promise of wages and seniority within the VQA system.

 

Said a VQA spokesperson, "I don't know where we'll get the money to pay ANY salary for these people: do we actually need all of them to sell VQA wines?"

 

The VQA has immediately announced a change in focus and has rebranded itself as the "Vocational Qualifying Authority". One of its revised missions is to create jobs within the wine industry for its new workers. It is expected that many will become winemakers or winemakers' assistants.

 

Schools of winemaking are poised to reap a windfall of applicants. Enquiries at the UBC Wine Research Centre, the BC Wine Institute, Niagara College Teaching Winery, and the CCOVI at Brock University are way up. Even the Amateur Winemakers of Canada are being approached: HeadMan Little Fat Wino was spotted clapping his hands with glee at the thought of renewed tuition monies.

 

These radical changes allegedly have the support of the respective unions, as per their labour contracts.

 

More on this development as it happens….

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

CanWest's Cellared in Canada magazine, contents Winter 2010

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – CanWest today released the table of contents for its upcoming Winter 2010 magazine, "Cellared in Canada Food and Drink Magazine":

 

**Proper Sanitation: how to handle CIC wines BEFORE you wash your hands.

 

**Fashion: How to look lovely in Cellared in Canada screw tops == headware for social functions.

 

**Proper Sanitation: how to handle CIC wines AFTER you wash your hands.

 

**Cellared in Canada: cellared wine or debasement wine?

 

**"This Cellared in Canada Wine Not from Earth" claims space expert.

 

**Cellared in Canada: cellared or bargain basement wine?

 

**Proper Sanitation: how to handle CIC wines INSTEAD of washing your hands.

 

**Cellared in Canada Wines that whine: we rate the noise

 

We cannot wait for the Spring issue...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Olympic Glitch Games -- Let the Fingerpointing begin!!

VANCOOOOOOVER - GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that the VANOC 2010
Olympic Games will tomorrow be officially re-christened "The Glitch Games"
by the International Olympic Committee.

Top investigative reporter Brett Grimsby had been following this story for
days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed
Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the
situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were
not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre
of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been
finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not
have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may
or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific
timeline is not really known.

Leading the way with the Glitches was the spread of negativity, brooding
analysis, and national shuddering. As one journalist put it, there had been
an "unrelenting litany of strident grumbles, moans, complaints, grievances,
criticisms, accusations and whining." He likened it to a pandemic.

Headlines read "A glitch for every Gold at the Vancouver Games". Murphy's
Law had replaced the Olympic Creed.

The Glitches included warm weather, bad weather, no safety on the Olympic
slide, ticket scams, the cancellation of 40,000 standing-room tickets, a
faulty Canadian ice-cleaning machine, not enough coverage in the French
language, street vandals breaking windows, a malfunctioning spigot on the
luge track, liquor stores not closing at 7 PM to prevent
intoxication-related arrests, leprosy on the cruise ship acting as a hotel,
security breaches, the recall of RCMP security, the gaffe over the
imprisonment of the outdoor Olympic Flame, and the scandal/apology over the
"Own the Podium" program.

But funnily enough, the problem with the Own the Podium program (which
financed and trained Canadian athletes so that they could win a LOT of
medals) was that it had only one goal: win a lot of any medals, which they
then failed to do. They DID succeed in winning more GOLD medals than any
other country in Winter Olympics history. The Own the Podium program should
really have read "Own the Gold" program.then it would have made more sense
and would have been successful.

GOSH, though, has also learned that the FINGERPOINTING "blame game" begins
the day after tomorrow. Among the leading candidates is the Association for
Cellared in Canada Wines which began with a jinxed press release in June
2007, highly touting what would turn out to be a "Cellared in Canada" 100%
imported bulk wine (non-VQA) unleashed on the unsuspecting BC general public
as a fundraiser for Olympic athletes. In Ontario, it was 70% imported wine
with an element of stretch water added. There were no Olympic aspirations
here since it was not our best effort at making wine.

According to the wine media in the 2008 and 2009 blogosphere, the hurried
co-branded wine deal with VANOC was not really well-thought-out. It became a
public relations nightmare, and today it is the definitive case that is
being studied in PR schools everywhere. This was the beginning of the
"Glitches".

Cellared in Canada wines are obviously to blame for EVERYTHING that went
wrong at the Olympics -- because the labels featured finger-painted designs.
VANOC's finger-pointing begins with the finger-painted labels of the
Cellared in Canada wines.

More on this story as it unravels.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Mr. and Mrs. Smith to open a wine tasting rehab centre in Niagara

 

"Investigators became suspicious in 2008, after realising that a large amount of Pinot Noir was being exported from the Languedoc-Roussillon."

-- News Report

 

TRAWNA – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that a meeting at top levels of Constellation Brands Inc. (A Constellation Company) and E & J Gallo seems to have produced stunning results in wine tasting in an attempt to defuse a looming scandal.

 

A year-long investigation into passing off Syrah and Merlot wines from Languedoc-Roussillon as local Pinot Noir resulted in jail terms and fines for 12 French winemakers and dealers. All of these wines had been passed off to U.S. buyers for Constellation Brands Inc (A Constellation Company) and E & J Gallo (Gallo had it as part of their Red Bicyclette line, which also, incidentally, had bottles of Merlot and Syrah).

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

What GOSH Wine News Services has learned is this: the top levels of Constellation and Gallo (Jean-Charles Bosseit and Gina Gallon, respectively and also known as "Mr. and Mrs. Smith") have begun a seek and destroy mission designed to ferret out the tasters responsible for the purchased wine.

 

"Obviously," said one source, "the wine had been tasted before its purchase, to check on its decency and consistency with what Pinot Noir should taste like in the South of France. But these tasters screwed up because they were not used to tasting Pinot Noir from a hot climate. They just assumed that such a wine would automatically taste ripe and rich and fruity because of the heat, and that puts the taste into the Merlot-Syrah-Shiraz complex of flavours."

 

But a second source said: "You can quote the English wine writer Harry Waugh, who was once asked if he had ever mistaken a Bordeaux for a red Burgundy. His reply: "Not since lunch." Professional tasters can screw up. I think the French used some reverse osmosis technique -- the French are tricky that way."

 

Said yet another expert source: "Pinot Noir can taste like Merlot and Syrah if you overcrop, introducing some vegetative elements that, in a hot climate wine, can be pleasant enough to evoke a more modest Burgundy."

 

A fourth expert source said: "Maybe they bumped up the final acid a bit to make the wine taste sort-of Pinot Noirish."

 

The website for Red Bicyclette itself says "And, no other wine tastes quite like Red Bicyclette from France - taste for yourself…" Hmmmmmm.

 

Tasting, though, will no longer be a problem for the importers as terminators Mr. and Mrs. Smith give the current tasters who are still on staff a choice: either be fired or be sent off to a rehab tasting school in Canada. GOSH has learned that a huge tasting laboratory is now being built on the site of the Closer Dan winery-that-was-to-be.

 

Mr. and Mrs. Smith will begin tasting classes as soon as possible while both companies go into complete damage control mode. Adjunct instructors will include members of the Wine Writers' Circle of Canada, selected by a tontine, which has not yet been banned in Canada.

 

Said Mr. Smith, in his ebullient French accent: "We'll get to the bottom of this barrel, one way or the other, and our tasters will emerge stronger than ever."

 

Still, there is wonder at how it all started. As one source said, "Anyone who has any idea what Pinot Noir tastes or smells like would not be fooled with Syrah or Merlot, regardless of tricks."

 

Another highly placed source said, "There are those who would know immediately it was not Pinot Noir because they know Pinot Noir, and those who don't have a clue what Pinot Noir is now have the idea that this mislabelled wine is what Pinot Noir is like."

 

And from another source: "What does this say about the American wine consumer and what does this say about the French wine industry's opinion of the American wine consumer? Besides, Pinot Noir is the perfect pairing for a film noir -- this situation has all the filmic elements, with desperate people in despairing situations, slugging through a dense, dark chunky setting."

 

The fact that both Constellation Europe (A Constellation Company) and Gallo have pulled out from this year's London International Wine Fair is entirely co-incidental and is not related to this story at all.

 

The LCBO (Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation) has refused to comment.

 

More on this story after freelance apologist Tiger Woods (who has been employed to make the vinous apology to the American people on behalf of the two companies) speaks on live television tomorrow in prime time…He could make a career out of apologizing for corporations.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Olympic Marauders trash "Cellared in Canada" wines...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) --  In a stunning display of bravado, over 600 dark shirted Olympic rioters descended on all of the government liquor stores in the Vancouver-Whistler area simultaneously.

 

The closely orchestrated, tightly scripted display of vandalism by the balaclava-masked marauders showed great team work and precision worthy of an Olympic Gold Medal.

 

With "Cellared in Canada" inscribed on their shirts, the teams chanted "See Eye Sea" over and over – and then broke into the stores, startling wine and liquor consumers right across the cities.

 

Allegedly, their goal was to grab and smash all "Cellared in Canada" product, which (to British Columbia's everlasting shame) comprises 100% imported wine product.

 

Instead, they apparently just loaded up some skids and took the wines with them to the Olympic Torch waterfront park where they tore down the fence barricades and began quaffing the wines at the torch site as quickly as they could.

 

Said one masked man, "We just wanted to have some fun and get rid of this cheap wine so that the Good Citizens of BC and the Good Tourists of the World won't have to drink them all themselves. We're selfless that way. Besides, it's a pretty good cheap alcoholic hit. Sorry, gotta go and get stoned before the fuzz arrive…"

 

More on the achievements of the Olympic Vigilantes as they happen…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Liberal government encourages wine tastings on TTC.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, the Liberal Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) suddenly announced that the Toronto Transit Commission will be conducting wine tastings, over the strenuous objections of the Liberal Control of Beverages of Ontario (LCBO), A Clown, er, Crown Corporation.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

This is what's supposed to go down as soon as possible: In an attempt to satisfy commuter rider demand for quality service at the TTC * AND * to satisfy an industry demand for recognition after decades of being shut out, the Ontario Government will allow sampling of wines from Fruit Wines of Ontario to TTC patrons who are lined up at custodial-collector booths.

 

The idea is to soften the impacts of fare increases, line-ups and sorry service by having representatives of the Fruit Wines of Ontario provide one or two free samples of fruit wine for enjoyment. Adults will get two samples, to match the fare increase value, while Seniors (who must prove that they are over 19 – and look it) get only one sample, since their increase is only 15 cents a ticket. TTC employees and their relatives are ineligible for these tastings.

 

Said a spokesperson for the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province: "This will throw a bone to both disenfranchised groups (riders and wineries) – as we head into an election in Ontario. Both the public transit riders and the fruit wineries should profit from this exposure. At the same time, our LCBO should loosen up a bit, and bounce around those rubber walls they claim to have."

 

For political expediency, this service is only being offered at TTC subway stops. There will be portable potties available (a concession to the LCBO) and ID carding will be in place, as requested by LCBO inspectors who will do the enforcement on a bill-back basis to the TTC.

 

More on this dramatic story as soon as the Giambrone bone story is done with in the press and we all move on…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO asset sale off the table, to be re-branded.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning about face, the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) has not only taken the sale of  the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (A Crown Corporation) off the table but also has enlarged its scope.

 

Heading into an election next year, the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) has re-branded the LCBO. It is to be known as the LCBO, that is, the "Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario". The expectation is that the Liberal party will receive a higher profile.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

The Grate McGinty is set to announce tomorrow after the markets have closed that the Government of Ontario will begin to nationalize through provincialization the sales of ALL beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

The Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will begin to expropriate all the properties and beverages involved with Starbucks, Second Cup, Tim Horton, Timothy's and other small fry (including some convenience stores), in a massive real estate deal designed to prop up the Ontario (A Have-Not Province) economy.

 

Said a source at the soon-to-be-former LCBO (A Crown Corporation): "We're only doing this for environmental reasons. Our mandate now is to actually consolidate ALL the beverage vessels in Ontario for re-cycling and re-use, centralizing the deposit return structure through one location: the beer stores. That's the rationale behind our M & A.

 

"Soon, you'll be able to return your Timmie cups, lids, water bottles, pop bottles, PC containers, whatever, to your local beer store for a return of the quarter deposit. Oh, didn't I say that we're also putting up the deposit fee to 25 cents? It now applies to every beverage bought in the province. The extra money from forgetful consumers will help pay for body and luggage scans of travellers coming in from outside Ontario, those who would be tempted to bring all their empties with them into this glorious province in order to collect the return deposit. You can thank Seinfeld for that one. We'll nail the suckers. Any other monies accruing will be used to pay down the $24.7 billion deficit."

 

As always, Fruit Wines of Ontario have been shut out of the action. Miffed Mole said that the LCBO still doesn't consider wines made from fruit to be a beverage; therefore, it has been excluded from the distribution/delivery system and will continue to not be a part of the new, enlarged and engorged Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario (A Have-Not Province).

 

More on these developments at the new LCBO as they evolve…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: Ontario reverses Cellared in Canada wine policy, buys out the VQA.

[inspired by the NBC-Leno-Conan brouhaha]

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning announcement to be made later tomorrow, the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) will unleash its latest policy position on the "Cellared in Canada" wine program, the Vintners Quality Alliance program, and the Fruit Wines of Ontario program.

 

GOSH Wine News Services has learned that the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) is moving the "Cellared in Canada" wines to the more prominent location that they once had in the LCBO stores.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Sources say that the Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province) has been unhappy with the performances of both the Cellared in Canada and VQA wine sales. "Our affiliate consumers demanded a better lead-in, a better entry level wine, and current CICs were simply not doing it. So we're moving them back to a more prominent position and getting rid of the stretch water component, replacing that with natural flavours such as MSG. Since we don't have rubber walls, we've asked the VQA to step back and relinquish their shelf space.

 

"Understandably, the VQA is very unhappy about this loss of sales positions, so we've topped up their budget and paid them $45 million to walk away from the LCBO. That money will be also comfort their members and serve as a sort-of severance allowance. As a result of the deal, the VQA wines, though, will not be available for sale anywhere in Ontario until September."

 

Fruit Wines of Ontario are poised to be the beneficiaries of this sudden change of policy. They are gearing up for more production, and they have formed an affiliation with the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines, who are ecstatic about all the new changes. Apparently, studies have shown that this fruit wine category of alcohol beverage appeals mostly to the male demographic of 19 - 49. The LCBO, though, is still uncertain about Freggie™, the 70 percent fruit, 30 per cent vegetable wine.

 

More on this development as it implodes…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Ontario's new "Cellared in Canada" wine program

[based on a comparable story in the Globe and Mail}

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- Ontario's new "Cellared in Canada" wine program could run off the rails, researchers say, if wineries and policy makers don't heed lessons learned at a Toronto-based pilot project on a fruit-vegetable blended wine combination.

 

In a report to be released Friday, beverage experts conclude that the Ministry of Finance's earliest plans for the provincial program contain "design flaws" including insufficient allocations for wages.

 

"This could be a huge barrier to the success of the program," said Brett Grimsby, top wine investigative reporter for GOSH Wine New Services.

 

The report notes that the province's current allocations for wages mean that many experienced winery employees would make about $30,000 a year and would have to take a pay cut in order to start producing stretch water. This could lead to a diminished drinking environment and reduced consumer engagement.

 

"These are core issues because the quality of the program depends on the quality of the staff."

 

The authors of the report have been following the Toronto Freggie™ program, a pilot project that was initiated nine years ago. Its prototype, which is based on a blend of fruit and vegetable wines, integrates locally produced Ontario fruits with locally produced Ontario vegetables in a 70-30 fruit-vegetable wine ratio. It has the full support of Fruit Wines of Ontario and the Ontario Viniculture Association. It does not have the support of the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines.

 

The report also notes the need for year-round extended consumption so that wine drinkers aren't shuffled around during the weekends or holidays, and forced to drink superior VQA wines. Officials at the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, were not available for comment.

 

"Offering extended consumption only during the work week will create enormous challenges particularly for the 77 per cent of Ontario families with both spouses in the paid work force," the report states.

 

As Noam Chomsky said, "Alternatives will shrink and transitions will intensify."

 

More on this drama as it unfolds stage right...

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

LCBO Monopoly

In case you have not seen it,

 

http://www.ottawalife.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=231&catid=67&Itemid=100011

GOSH: Hockey players refuse to pay for "Cellared in Canada" wines

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning display of crass attitude that has not kept up with their salaries, players for the Toronto Maple Leaves hockey club refused to pay their bar bill at Freggie™ Frank`s restaurant.

 

Brett Grimsby of GOSH Wine News Services has learned that the players consumed gallons of Cellared in Canada wine and local Freggie™ after winning a decisive hockey game in overtime. It was their first win in two years. They celebrated by downing wine straight from the TetraPaks.

 

When presented with the bar bill, the players refused to pay, saying that their presence at the restaurant should have ensured an enormous crowd of fans more than willing to eat and drink there. But at one point, the goalie was passing around a Tip Jar to help pay for the food portion of the bill.

 

Mr. Frank, the owner, said that he could not re-sell the opened containers of Cellared in Canada wines for health reasons that go beyond normal safety. "Would you want to swallow stretch water that was really close to a loser's mouth? Eeeeeeew, no."

 

The players' sense of entitlement has flared dramatically ever since the NHL lockout.

 

More on this development as it is revealed…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Ontario quickly declares Prorogue Festivals, GOSH Wine News Services forced back to action early...

FOUR BELLS -- BREAKING NEWS!!!!

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning political development by the Liberal Government of Ontario (A Have-Not Province), the Grate McGinty, pseudo-premier of the province, has suddenly decided to emulate his fan base, the Conservative Party of Canada.

 

McGinty has immediately declared a new "sport" in Ontario: a province-wide "Prorogue" festival, which will continue until after the Winter Olympics in Vancouver-Whistler are over. In some parts of Ontario (A Have-Not Province), this festival may also be locally known as pierogi, perogi, perogy, pirohi, piroghi, pirogi, pirogen, pierogy, pirohy, or pyrohy.

 

Brett Grimsby files this report from the Legislative Assembly:

 

"According to my breaking news sources, the new annual Winter Prorogue Festival will embrace a variety of food dumplings coupled with a variety of Cellared in Canada wines. Foremost, of course, is Freggie™ the 70/30 fruit and vegetable wine mixture that is all the rage north of Bloor Street in Toronto. Freggie™ has the blessing of Fruit Wines of Ontario. Its leading competitor is VeggieFru™, the 70/30 vegetable and fruit wine blend that appears to be taking over south of Bloor Street in Toronto. Either wine appears to be fine with fruit (such as plum) or veggie-inspired (such as cabbage or potato) Prorogues.

 

"But for that meat dumpling, nothing beats a solid Cellared in Canada red wine manufactured from syrah/shiraz grapes and stretch water. Poultry would suggest a merlot Cellared in Canada wine with its advanced complexity. Cheese Prorogues may best be served with Cellared in Canada white wines, although purists encourage staying away from Cellared in Canada white wines. Allegedly, recent tastings show that too much stretch water has been added. Indeed, tests are now being conducted by the Quality Labs at the LCBO to determine just how much water has been added, and where that water is from. We expect that soon the matter will be in front of the courts, according to Miffed Mole."

 

More on this story as it dissolves…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com