Statute to Protect the LCBO from April Fool pranks

TRAWNA --  (GOSH Wine News Services) – Today, the Legislative Assembly for Ontario, A Have-Not Province, gave third reading to Bill 139, a Bill to Prohibit April Fool's Day Spoofs of the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

This will mean that NO ONE person or corporation in Ontario is allowed to spoof, to tease, to poke fun at, to scoff at, to parody, to burlesque, to laugh at, to scorn, to make fun of, to imitate, to ridicule, to caricature, to distort, to takeoff, to mock, to deride, to send up, to put down, to disparage, to knock, to lampoon, to satirize, or otherwise to demean the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, on April 1 of each and every year.

 

Non-compliance with this new Statute, in force as of tomorrow, can result in a fine of up to $500,000 and/or two years less a day in a correctional institution where they only serve Cellared In Canada wines.

 

In a separate announcement made by an overly cheerful spokesperson, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, said that it will not tolerate any silliness from any of the 40 licensed wine writers who would write a column about the LCBO on this particular day, especially since the day of the week this year is Wednesday, which is also the day many newspapers and other media outlets publish their food and drink sections. There and many beverage ads on this day of the week, including those of the LCBO, A Crown etc. Such wine writers can expect to have their licenses lifted.

 

At the same time, the 2,000,000 wine bloggers in Ontario are crying "Foul!" since the legislation will NOT affect the other 8,000,000 wine bloggers in Canada who live outside Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Unfortunately, the Statute has yet to be translated into French, which means that French-language writers may have a field day (jour de champs). Apparently, the translation office of the Ontario government is upset over the pending "blended" sales taxes; they will have to charge more in fees. Blending is no news for Ontarians since they have been forced to endure Cellared in Canada blends for years.

 

When asked to comment, Dean Tudor, well-known raconteur of wine tales, said, "I may have to brush up on my French. I've got some stories about "Cellared in Quebec" products that will need telling. I'll get them translated, if I have to. Meanwhile, April First is coming:  just watch me. . ."

 

More on this development come April First. Stand by, Ontario. . .

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Ontario's Fruit Wineries to Define Ontario's Presence at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Ontario's Tourism Ministry, now in the throes of the agonizing process of seeking proposals to design, develop and manage the have-not province's presence at the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics and Paralympics, has settled on the design logo, sources say.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public…

 

Apparently, the Province of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is finally recognizing its have-not status, and has deliberately chosen a logo and design based on a have-not industry: Ontario's fruit wineries.

 

Shut out and barred from every existing alcohol beverage sales channel, the plucky "have-not" fruit wineries are ecstatic. The Ministry of Tourism, in its request-for-tender documents, has suggested that the BC facility should feature a striking design, showcase made-in-Ontario products and services, and be state-of-the-art and environmentally sustainable. Being at the LEED Platinum Level for fruit wineries certainly would help, and that's a given since most of them certainly have been certified with the QC seal.

 

The Ministry is close to an announcement. They are waiting for the updated redesign of the Fruit Wineries of Ontario logo with its QC certification. One original design was apparently discarded because it promoted the Fruitwines of Upper Canada at Kelowna. President Jim Warren has been busy sketching new ideas, with input from the Ontario Vinicultural Association.

 

Meanwhile, Grimsby has learned that the LCBO and WCO has launched its own "Cellared in China" fruit wine campaign in order to take advantage of the Ministry's call for a logo and design. They believe that the now extra prominence given to fruit wines will bring in a new sense of order to the have-not province, with newly expanding markets. Instead of the Cellared In Canada 70/30 split in imported/domestic grape wine origins, the Cellared in China campaign will be just 100% imported fruit wines from China. The two groups are seizing the marketing opportunities (watch for the new Internet-only media campaign involving YouTube, MySpace, Blogspot, Twitter, Facebook and wine bloggers everywhere) and are poised to take over all the fruit wine thunder in Ontario, to the dismay of the OVA.

 

Since the OVA has nothing to lose in its battle with the "Os" (LCB, GG and WC), it has decided to plead its case to the Provincial Have-Not Cabinet, claiming that since OVA is the ONLY beverage alcohol organization with its name BEGINNING with the word "Ontario", then it is best poised to be the representative in BC. After all, who could be best suited to represent a have-not province than a have-not industry?

 

More on this story as it develops….stay tuned.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Fruit Wines at Farmers Markets

The constant drama, bad judgment, poor choices and self-delusion of the Ontario government's dithering with our wine industry has led to a death spiral and a wine catastrophe of epic proportions in This Have-Not Province.

 

Here's the latest threat --

 

ALL Ontario fruit wineries will NOW be allowed to market their wines at Farmers' Markets this Spring 2009, so long as the wines pass a panel of expert grapewine tasters. The point spread must be at least 13 out of 20.

 

There will be NO limit on how much wine can be sold in this manner, and there will be no restrictions on where the fruit comes from – or even who makes it.

 

According to one source, the larger grape wineries are poised to swoop in with some "Cellared in China" apple wine product. And that is just the beginning...My sources tell me MANGO wine (from Ontario mangoes) is next up -- just perfect for summer around the poolside.

 

Shudder, shudder…more on how this plays out later...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: How Wine Critics Score Wines

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning revelation issued just hours ago, the well-known top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby released his poll findings from his latest sting operation.

 

This time he was looking into how wine writer palate tasting fatigue sets in, and he set up an anonymous snitch line which actually revealed who was doing the whistleblowing.

 

From the section on wine scoring, he learned of many different techniques and systems. Then he began the tedious, rigorous and laborious task of verification, checking each response and source twice to ensure accuracy.

 

So how do the wine writers score wines? Here is his analysis as he reveals the diverse scoring systems –

 

* Wine Advocate (sometimes known as Parker) – uses a dartboard for Old World Wines and a shuffleboard for New World Wines.

 

* Wine Speculator – uses a roulette wheel, regardless of origin of wine.

 

* Wine writers who persist in using a star system – "We follow biodynamic principles. If they can pick by the moon, then we can taste by the moon. We just go out at night and count the stars visible in the urban sky."

 

* Marginal wine writers – "Some of us are on the B team, we cannot take chances, so we just pull a number out of a hat."

 

* Wine bloggers – there was a split here: some leave it up to typos, others let their cats paw the keyboard.

 

* Hangers on – here Brett found a wide range of responses. Using entrapment, he discovered that some scores are politically motivated, others are done with contempt, but more are based on price. One writer even creates his scores on vulgarity. Another tries to see what he can get away with…

 

 

More stories from Brett Grimsby as they develop…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

City of Toronto to get Alcohol Rebate from Ontario Government

In a stunning historical decision to be made tomorrow ( Monday), the City of Toronto acknowledged defeat in its attempt to get one cent back from the Canadian Federal gas tax. This tax has been promised for years. Instead of waiting for a political change in government, the City signed an accord with the Province of Ontario.

 

In exchange for distributing "Food and Drink" magazine to every household in the City of Toronto, the province has given the City one cent back from every bottle of alcohol sold at the LCBO in Toronto stores -- regardless of the bottle size.

 

Unfortunately, the rebate to the City does not include VQA wines nor fruit wines,  but it does include the prolific "Cellared in Canada" wines.

 

The money, said to be in the millions of dollars, will ensure that most alcohol-related problems in Toronto will be taken care of. The bottle rebate will fuel our local economy.

 

My mole (Miffed Mole) in the LCBO Legal Department says that the Board is considering appealing the accord. Apparently, the Board was not consulted in the matter and considers any abrupt changes like this without consultation to be highhanded and arrogant. But as Miffed said, "The pot calls the kettle..."

 

Mayor David Miller was pleased with the accord, saying that it was "acceptable". SheeLa Pure-Swirling Dervish, head of the Wine Writers group, said that this means the end of wine writers in Toronto, its home base. "If EVERYBODY gets that overstuffed publication, then nobody is going to want to pay to read other mags." The editors of Tidings, Vines and Wine Access magazines (actually, the same person edits all three) concurs. His resume has already been posted on my website...

 

More on this as it develops. The Grate McGuinty beams on...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Shakespeare Wrote a play called Esprit

 

Just this past and last week Shakespearean scholars in the UK discovered a first draft of HAMLET…

 

The hero was originally named ESPRIT, and he said (at one point):

 

 

 

Vee Queue, Eh, or not Vee Queue, Eh - that is the question:

    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

    The slings and arrows of outrageous wineries

    Or to take arms against a sea of rotting grapes,

    And by opposing end them. To die- to sleep-

    No more; and by a sleep to say we end

    The wine wars, and the thousand natural shocks

    That palate is heir to. 'Tis a consummation 

    Devoutly to be wish'd. To die- to sleep.

    To pass out- perchance to dream: ay, there's the vino!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

COMMENTARY: Same LCBO Vintages wines taste different at home --

 

COMMENTARY: The wines we writers taste at the Vintages media tasting do NOT taste like the same wines you taste at home…

 

Twice a month, the GTA wine writers troop down to Toronto's Vintages tasting lab to pre-sample an upcoming release. We could taste 120 or so products. These would be sparklers, still wines, fortified and sweet wines, spirits, and assorted other beverages. Not beer.

 

This usually means about 100 white and red table wines, the bulk of your purchases from Vintages.

 

Studies show that MOST of your wine purchases are for consumption that weekend of the release, that is, wines can be bought on the Friday night before the Saturday release (especially in the larger stores such as Queens Quay, Summerhill, Bayview Village, and Royal York), or on Saturday or Sunday – for immediate drinking. Nothing wrong with that.

 

BUT you should know that the LCBO pops the corks on the media wines by 9 AM on the media tasting day, and the white wines come out of the fridge at that time too. MOST wine writers drift in around 11AM, a few even at 1 PM – AND THE WINES HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO THE AIR FOR TWO OR MORE HOURS already. This aeration can kill a fresh and fruity wine, can play havoc with a chilled white that is almost at room temperature, can flatten a sparkling wine, and can enhance a big red wine.

 

REMEMBER, each open bottle is hoisted by a wine writer and some LCBO people and tilted before being poured. Each bottle has been aerated by a dozen people before that PM wine writer gets there – and each bottle has thus been compromised.

 

As additional studies show, the wines you taste at home have probably been opened only 10 minutes before you actually consume them. And you will probably finish that bottle within half an hour if you have company. That wine will taste different than the wine we taste, simply because we taste a wine that has been exposed to oxygen far longer than normal…That big heavy red that we enthuse over is only good because it has been aerated longer than yours. If you were to give your bottle more aeration time, then it too will approximate what we taste in the lab. This will mean double decanting your red wines.

 

Your white wines of course, will need to be chilled, unlike the Vintages lab wines which have been out of the fridge for a couple of hours. But then – those are the only white wines we get to taste, and some have lost their fragrance and their fragility.

 

Only one wine writer – the guy at the Toronto Star – tastes the wines at 9 AM; his opinion may be more valid than other wine writers in terms of the wine that you are actually drinking that night, should you just pop the corks and not bother to decant.

 

ALSO: you may wish to consider the issue of palate fatigue. Studies have shown that wine judges face palate fatigue; they ought not to taste more than 100 wines a day. Yet wine writers at Vintages regularly taste 100 wines in a few hours! There is no way that good judgement can be made on many red wines as these are tasted after writers taste the many white wines. Most writers go through the bottles as put out by the LCBO, light white wines to heavy red wines. By the time they are halfway through the reds, their palates are compromised. Of course we constantly spit out the wines, but alcohol enters our body through the skin in the mouth. That is why some writers no longer taste all the wines, preferring to taste only half or fewer. This will also mean that they might miss a scoop or two on some interesting wines that may be forgotten in the rush.

 

Beware the writers who taste ALL the wines and write notes on all of them. They do not probably taste "fresh" bottles. They get to the heavy reds at 2 PM, five hours after the bottles are open, and this length of time favours the taste profile of the red wine. If you want to taste along with those writers, then you must be prepared to open and decant your bottles ahead of time – five hours or so. Nothing else will suffice…

 

REMEMBER that GTA wine writers taste warmer white wines that have been opened a while (and this diminishes the wine's character) and red wines that have been exposed to oxygen for quite some time (and this plumps up the wine's character, except for the fresh and fruity reds).

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

International Response to Wine Economy Downturn

In other International Alcohol Beverage Economic Downturn (IABED) news, it has been widely reported ---

 

--- that TGIF has been replaced by BYOB.

 

--- that Robert Parker has collapsed his 100-point scheme, and has reverted to the UC Davis scoring of 20 points. Decimals will be introduced (they were there all along anyway). The magic "make or break" number will now be 18 points.

 

--- that the "Vintages Assessment" use of three stars as the high score has been vindicated, as other users of four and five star ratings collapse their numbers to three, to mesh with "Parker points".

 

--- that the Euro wine industry has forced grape clones to merge.

 

--- that trade commissions have cancelled wine junket fam tours for wine media.

 

--- that wine judging, in light of the proven palate fatigue, has been downgraded to "wine opinions".

 

--- that the INAO is preparing legislation to commit Euro countries to producing wine only in half-litre (500mL) containers. This will have the immediate effect of lowering prices everywhere in the world except at the LCBO, Still A Crown Corporation.

 

--- that the Organization of Wine-Exporting Countries (OWEC), New World Division, immediately responded by introducing the magnum (1.5L) as the preferred standard of wine bottles. "This should encourage wine sales exported from hard pressed countries south of the Equator", said a spokesperson.

 

Much more on these leads and items as they are uncovered by Twitter....stay tuned.

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO responds to economic downturn-crisis-turmoil -- report

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, will soon be releasing its long-awaited report on how it is going to present itself to the good people of the fiscally-wracked Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public:

 

Just how bad is the wine economy in Ontario? No matter what you call it (economic downturn, scaleback, turmoil, crisis, meltdown, et al) it is serious. Under discussion, but still to be approved by the LCBO, are the following measures:

 

1) Bottle your own wine returns to the LCBO as "Cellared in Canada" product, but this time you get to pick the blend yourself.

 

2) Mark-ups at the LCBO are to be based on distance travelled to the store where purchased; this will allow for price variation.

 

3) The LCBO will impose heavy penalties on heavy glass wine bottles. For one thing, they will be placed on the bottom shelves and employees have been instructed NOT to help customers lift them. For another, the deposit rises to 25 cents. Wineries will be allowed to ship and sell wines according to a maximum weight factor, and heavy bottles will eat into the weight allocated to the volume of the wines.

 

4) The idea of using ONLY twist tops for wines on the General List is back on the table (it never really left).

 

5) The first "Cellared in Canada" wine will be available at Vintages in tetra pak, and in the Classics Catalogue in PET bottles.

 

6) The LCBO's Aeroplan miles have been re-cast as Old Yeller Greyhound klicks.

 

7) In line with the edict on plastic bags in the City of Toronto, the LCBO will now charge a nickel for its paper bags, which will also have paid-for private advertising on them.

 

8) The LCBO will be re-branded as LCBGTA, leaving the Windsor area customers to go to Detroit. Said a spokesman for the new LCBGTA, "The Ottawa people can all go to Hull". Based on sales, all of this seems logical. The good people of Ontario living north of Barrie only drink beer, and they can continue to go to The Beer Store.

 

9) Effective immediately, the "Food" part of "Food & Drink" magazine will be dropped. There will be no more recipes unless they involve alcoholic beverages.

 

10) "Shelf talkers" will become "shelf mumblers".

 

11) There will be no more separate Vintages catalogues – all product will be released irregularly on an "as if" basis and will merge with the In-Store Disappearance program.

 

More on this story as it develops...If anybody has any comments on how to improve the wine economy of Ontario, then send them in and I will pass them on to Miffed Mole...

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Ontario Wine Review: Deceptive to the Cor (by Michael Pinkus)

Ontario Wine Review: Deceptive to the Cor

This past fall (2008) it was quietly announced that Jackson-Triggs (Vincor)
would be selling their "Esprit" Olympic wine in the newly created "Olympic
retail stores" in British Columbia. This raised a red flag just last week,
when a colleague of mine found the announcement during a routine web search.
He wondered if the wines available in these stores (2 red / 2 white) were to
be the VQA or Cellared in Canada Esprit wines. As many of you know back in
May 2008 (Newsletter #82) I called Vincor out on the carpet for putting the
inferior non-VQA wines into the official Olympic Esprit wines. My comments
caused quite some controversy for Vincor and made them into "damage-control
(aka. spin mode). They told us that a VQA wine was indeed on the horizon,
and published an explanation on their website as to why they went the
non-VQA route. Let's focus on the question at hand: will the wines in the
Official Olympic Stores be real Canadian VQA wines, will Vincor honor their
pledge of providing 100% VQA wine during the Olympics and for all Olympic
events? Additional fuel was added to this controversial fire as Vincor
ramped up their advertising for this product. One such ad appeared on the
back cover of the latest issue of the LCBO's popular Food & Drink magazine,
touting Esprit (non-VQA) as the Olympic wine. It would seem that Vincor
just might be up to some trickery again and it was time to find out. ...

More by investigative reporter Pinkus at...http://ontariowinereview.com

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

To Esprit or not to Esprit, That is the Question...

Sign on a bus in Toronto:

 

"There is probably no VQA Esprit. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life".

 

I also saw "There is probably no VQA in Esprit. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO puts limits on electricity consumed by wine writers

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, today announced severe limits on the availability of electricity to members of the wine press.

 

Wine writers line up in droves every Friday at the LCBO Sensory Tasting Lab to recharge their laptops for the weekend. Some of them even use their laptops to write wine notes.

 

Apparently, the massive downloading of kilowatts interferes with the toasters, electric kettles, and microwave ovens in use by LCBO staff on those Fridays, from 11:30 AM to 2:30 PM.

 

Several severe brownouts -- and occasionally blown fuses -- have resulted from the unique combination of laptops and office lunch preparations.

 

Said an LCBO, A Crown Corporation, spokesperson: "Until we get our $4 million grant from Infrastructure Ontario to re-wire this building, I'm afraid we're going to have to ban the re-juicing of laptops between the hours of 11:30 and 2:30 each day. The good people of Ontario cannot afford to keep paying for free use of electricity by the wine press. Do you know how much juice costs these days?"

 

Wine writers will be instructed to either pull out the plug within that time period or go to lunch. One hooked-up wine writer said, "I'd like to go to lunch, but where do you eat around here? The Star cafeteria?"

 

Apparently, there is enough money in Infrastructure Ontario to support a lunchroom at the LCBO, A Crown Corporation. But its implementation may be delayed until the proper liquor license has been obtained from the AGCO, Also A Crown Corporation. Said one writer, "This isn't over yet…not by a long shot."

 

More on this story as it develops – stay tuned.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Niagara-on-the-Lake winery can't put Niagara-on-the-Lake on labels

Saturday, December 13, 2008   St, Catharines Standard

Niagara-on-the-Lake winery can't put Niagara-on-the-Lake on labels

Posted By MONIQUE BEECH, STANDARD STAFF

Protected terms under the 1999 Vintners Quality Alliance Act.

Wineries that are not VQA approved are prohibited from using the following terms:

Vintners Quality Alliance.

VQA.

Ontario.

Pelee Island.

Niagara Peninsula.

Niagara-on-the-Lake.

Niagara River.

Niagara Lakeshore.

Four Mile Creek.

St. David's Bench.

Niagara Escarpment.

Lincoln Lakeshore.

Creek Shores.

Beamsville Bench.

Twenty Mile Bench.

Short Hills Bench.

Vinemount Ridge.

Lake Erie North Shore.

Prince Edward County.

Estate Bottled.

Vineyard.

Meritage.

Icewine.

Botrytized.

Botrytis Affected.

B.A.

Totally Botrytized.

Totally Botrytis Affected.

T.B.A.

Late Harvest Wine.

Select Late Harvest Wine.

Special Select Late Harvest Wine.

Vin du Curé.

Blanc de Noirs.

Icewine Dosage.

Dosage of Icewine.

Sparkling Icewine.

Sunnybrook Farm Estates Winery owner Gerald Goertz uses only Ontario grown fruits to make his popular wines.

But under provincial government rules, Goertz can't put "Ontario" on his black currant or Thirty-seven terms including such words as Niagara-on-the-Lake — where his winery is located — and Niagara Peninsula are off limits, too.

Only wineries producing grape vino that meets Vintners Quality Alliance of Ontario rules can use the provincially regulated terms.

More at: http://www.realontariowine.ca/?q=oct0108scsnotl

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Vincor Comes to the Rescue of the City of Vanoc

Vincor Comes to the Rescue of the City of Vanoc

VANOC – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning announcement to be made shortly at a hurriedly convened press conference, the City of Vanoc appears to have a solution to its Owe-lympic shortfalls and shortcomings. The City of Vanoc has entered discussions that would see it borrow an estimated $800-million to consolidate funding around the problematic Owe-lympic athletes village.

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been announced to the public --

Vincor, A Constellation Company, has decided to increase its donation to the City of Vanoc for the 2010 Owe-lympics.

In addition to the proceeds from its Esprit CIC/POC wine sales, Vincor, A Constellation Company, has taken on the distribution of China Red tetra pak wines to be delivered to Dollerama stores across the nation. In the meantime, Vincor, A Constellation Company, has been developing a white wine counterpart with the co-operation of the Ontario Viniculture Association, presumably comprising unsold wines remaining from Farmers' Market sales. It is to be known as Sheet White.

The partial proceeds from the sales of both of these wines will help pay down the Owe-lympic village debt, so that the good people of Canada, A Have Country, will not be on the hook for added expenditures. The venture has the blessings of the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, government.

The press conference will kick off with a baked goods sale in aid of the relief of the City of Vanoc and the athletes village, soon to be downgraded to athletes hamlet.

More on this story as it unfolds on the Left Coast…

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

GOSH: GTA Dollar Stores to Offer Wines in Tetra Paks

TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) -- According to top investigative wine
reporter Brett Grimsby, the Ministry of Trade and Economic Development will
soon announce a new PPP co-operation for the Greater Toronto Area.

In conjunction with Dollerama stores, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, will
lease the rights to sell modestly-priced wine at the larger, more urbane
Dollerama locations. The source for the wines will be China, with a 1%
addition of Canadian grape wine.

Grimsby interviewed sources who are familiar with the situation, and who
spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to
divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and
while the matter under consideration had not yet been announced to the
public.

Wine will be available in only in the 187mL tetra paks. This means no
deposit will be payable (and thus no refunds) and the price structure will
fit inside the "dollar" mandate of these non-premium markets.

In a statement from the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, the LCBO
quality assurance labs, concerned about the possibility of foreign additives
such as melamine, will be conducting regularly unscheduled testing.

The rollout is scheduled for just before the Chinese New Year. Initially,
only one wine will be available: China Red.

More on this story as it develops.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

LCBO to authorize new warning labels on wine bottles (many sourced from J.K.Macanas via the Internet)

WARNINGS ON WINE LABELS IN ONTARIO TO CHANGE --

 

 

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- According to my sources at the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, new warning labels are being considered for attaching to wine botttles. These warnings apply ONLY to wine beverages, and have not yet had Ministry approval.

 

But watch for them....

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine is totally based on Parker Numbers. Do not consume if the wine is rated under 85 points.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may make you think you are shouting when you are not.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may make you read "Food & Drink" magazine.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may cause you to think you can sing.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four AM.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may only occur when the Lot Number is the same as the CSPC Number.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may lead you to think people are laughing at you.

 

Also under consideration are site-specific, terroir-driven "warnings" for Ontario wines --

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine depends on whether the label says "Cellared in Canada" or not.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine may lead you to wonder why the name "Ontario" should not appear on non-VQA Ontario wine bottles.

 

* WARNING: The consumption of this wine is based on the premise that Fruit Wines of Ontario will be available at farmers' markets.

 

 

More as this story develops...Stay tuned

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Faux Voix Wine Investigations Unit Finishes a Very Exciting -- and Exacting -- Year in 2008

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- GOSH folks, we're here to celebrate!  Welcome to 2009 ..The Faux Voix VinCuisine Wine Investigations Unit has finished a very exciting -- and exacting -- year in 2008.

 

We've broken more stories than any other wine source on the Internet..

 

We've dealt with many sources who have spoken to us off the record because they are familiar with the situations, and spoke to us on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while being very close to the centre of discussions. And besides, they lost their dark glasses and didn't want to be shot at.

 

We have collectively called them all Miffed Mole.

 

Top reporters who have worked for us included Moe Mentum and Brett Grimsby. Moe, I'm afraid, may no longer be with us...

 

A Superior Court judge yesterday ordered GOSH Wine News reporter Moe Mentum to cease reporting on negotiations between the LCBO and the industry. The judge had issued the publication ban even though neither the LCBO nor the industry had requested it. An industry spokesperson said: "We love Moe..he's got the real goods from his unnamed sources." The LCBO simply referred to Moe as a bothersome gnat, but did not want to take away his right to free speech. The judge apparently believed that Mentum's reporting had a chilling effect on any discussions.

 

Meanwhile, Mentum and Grimsby helped to break the following stories, all of which are still on the Faux Voix VinCuisine blog site at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com. If you missed any, check them out:

 

-The LCBO knows the location of every bottle of alcoholic beverage in Ontario

 

-The New Coalition is to take on the LCBO

 

-Constellation Brands buys Peller Estates for its wine stores, promises to take on the LCBO for wine sales.

 

-LCBO motto contest

 

-Repatriation of Vincor

 

-Niagara Frontier catches on fire with disgruntled  grape growers.

 

-Wine Writers Circle welcomes geezers with its Vieilles Vignes membership category.

 

-Hidden study reveals that corks are dead at LCBO, to be replaced by twist tops.

 

-Melamine found in "Cellared in Canada" wines imported from China.

 

-LCBO to license wine writers in Ontario

 

-LCBO song contest produces a variant of "Y-M-C-A"

 

-Federal Conservative Party campaign promise to rescind 1928 Importation of Intoxicating Beverages Act

 

-Ontario wine now available at The Beer Store

 

-Vieux Beaujolais Cougar wine will arrive November 19, 2008

 

-LCBO to go 24/7 in time for Christmas

 

-Canadian zombie gene isolated, to be spliced into Canadian grapes.

 

-Vincor to release high end wines in tetra paks

 

-Wines to be sold at Farmers' Markets in Toronto

 

-Ontario licensed wine writers to receive 10% discount for wine purchases.

 

 

Look for more exciting – and exacting – stories in 2009!! That's a promise. We're working on a dozen or more, filing our FOI requests, mining our Miffed Moles. Guaranteed to create a special PNG status…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

LCBO wants Tudor to work over the Holiday Season

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The LCBO today chastised Dean Tudor for taking two weeks off at Christmas and New Year's.

 

Said a spokesperson for the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, "He can't do that! We need him to keep us honest, to bounce ideas off of for the future possibilities of life in Ontario. We're 24/7 via the Internet, we're only shut down on Christmas Day and the legal holidays…Why can't he?"

 

In response, Tudor asserts: "I need time to be with my family and to rest my palate – I've been exposed to over 3,000 wines this year, and I need time off."

 

In an email message received from the LCBO, the Board said: "That's not enough…Look how active we are, how much we do. Why does he need all that time away? He's the lifeblood of criticism of our policies…We desperately need an adversary at this time of year, especially when the economy is tanking."

 

Tudor replied: "I need more time to work through and develop my thoughts on the critical issues facing the consumption of alcoholic beverages in Ontario. I need to re-charge my batteries before going up against the alphabet soup of LCBO-VQA-WCO-OVA-WPA. I'm not supposed to say this, but the industry has asked me to come up with a bailout plan, to take advantage of the $30 billion that the Harper Regime will bribe us with…"

 

More on this development as it occurs, and watch if Tudor goes from BFF to PNG (and how long it takes to change)…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

LCBO knows the location of every bottle of alcoholic beverage in Ontario

QUEENS PARK – (GOSH Wine News Services) --  The Provincial Auditor today confirmed that the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, knows the location of every single bottle of alcoholic beverage in Ontario, from the time it enters the province to the time it leaves. And this includes all the bottling lines within the province.

 

The Auditor also confirmed that the LCBO super software can track liquid levels in the bottle and the absolute rate of depletion. In addition, the empty bottles continue to be tracked through the recycling process.

 

The Privacy Act, though, prohibits the LCBO from knowing "who" is holding the bottle.

 

How the public found about the bottle tracking is a story in itself.

 

Ontarians were stunned last month when it was revealed that the super LCBO software crashed when the TSX crashed. When the LCBO computers rebooted, administrators were shocked to discover that there were over 120 SKUS of pre-phylloxera Bordeaux wines in the Durham warehouse. This represented several thousands of cases of wines, all in wooden boxes and smelly straw.

 

According to the Ontario Archives, these wines were purchased by the Ontario Government in 1880, and kept in relatively good condition over the past 130 years. Investigative wine reporter Moe Mentum dug out all of this data, and became involved with the major tracking story when he discovered that the computer systems were busy synthesizing the pre-phylloxera material using special tracking formulae. He turned his data over to the Provincial Auditor for further analysis, and this led directly to the major story.

 

Unfortunately, because of this fall's economic downturn, nobody is able to afford the re-discovered wines. And Mr. Mentum found out that apparently the Accounting Department at the LCBO did not factor in any storage fees. This precluded any possibility of the LCBO making money on the products and showing a profit for the good people of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

More on this story of economic woes as it develops…stand by for special LCBO wine auctions in 2009…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

New Coalition to Take on LCBO; announcmeent expected Monday Dec 8

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – At a stunning announcement to be made at a Press Conference called for Monday December 8 at noon in front of the Queen's Park Legislative Assembly building, the Wine Council of Ontario, the Ontario Viniculture Association, the Wine Producers' Association, The Beer Store, the newly formed Churchill Cellars Stores (with the just merged Vineyard Estates stores and The Wine Rack stores), plus the Colio Estates stores and all the farmgate tasting-room stores of all the fruit and grape wineries of Ontario will promulgate their COALITION (Committee for Alternative Liquor in Toronto, in Ontario, and into the North) to wrest control of sales from the Liquor Control Board of Ontario.

 

The groups had earlier approached the GMG (Grate McGinty) to propose alternative distribution systems for the dissemination of alcoholic beverages in Ontario. And to their great surprise, he agreed. "The time has come," he said, "for the private sector to propose alternative ways of doing business. This PPP (public-private-partnerships) is an ideal situation. The numbers crunch. The good people of Ontario will see the price of alcohol come down, and the revenues to the provincial coffers will increase."

 

The immediate question was what to do with the LCBO, A Crown Corporation within the province of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. It was suggested by a source -- who was familiar with the announcement and the meeting with the GMG but who also wishes to retain anonymity because he was involved with the necessary activities that led up to the announcement -- that the larger stores could be turned into shopping malls and condos, which would allow them to continue to show a slight but none-the-less appreciated  profit for the public coffers.

 

The smaller LCBO stores would continue to be boutique operations, offering Vintages Products, which represent some 8% of the total operation of the former LCBO and 92% of the headaches. The LCBO is unfortunately mired down in many programs of Vintages delivery, and this has contributed to the COALITION's grab for power. The LCBO would retain such programs as Internet Sales, Vintages, Vintages Online, Classics Catalogue, Classics Online, Vintages Essentials, Vintages Insider's Direct Sales, Vintages Holiday Sales, Vintages Holiday Fizz Sale, Vintages Special Air Miles Promotion Sales, Monthly Vintages Air Miles Promotion Sales, InStore Discoveries, Vintages Limited Time Offers, Classics Limited Time Offers, Rapid Release Program, Go-to-Market Program, Craft Winery Program, plus the various Delist Opportunities, InStore Disappearances, and coin operated washrooms. The Vintages Auctions Program will be re-evaluated in light of the economic downturns; many safe items such as Australian cask wines and imported tetrapaks did not even make their opening bids.

 

A response is anticipated from the LCBO after the head office staff return from their policy sessions.

 

At the Press Conference, the Federal Government is also expected to announce that Santa Claus has been exempted from the 1928 Act that prohibits carrying alcohol across provincial boundaries.

 

Pierogies, the new buzzword in food products, will be served. More on this and other stories as they relate to the COALITION's power struggles with the LCBO when they develop…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Constellation Brands buys Peller; merges wine store oprations...

 

 

VIAGARA FAILS – (GOSH Wine News Services) – At a stunning Press Conference to be made tomorrow jointly at Viagara Fails, ON and Niagara Falls, NY, Constellation Brands, A Constellation Company, will announce the purchase of Andrew Peller Ltd by Vincor Canada, A Constellation Company.

 

A senior official familiar with the two companies, and speaking on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to divulge specific details, commented on this announcement. He said that their only motive was to get the Vineyards Estate Wines stores and boutiques in Ontario. "With these stores, we can now be a tower of strength and compete wine sales with the LCBO, A Crown Corporation."

 

Apparently, the existing wine properties will be sold off by public auction, said the source, although a deal with Diamond Estates, Not A Constellation Company, is also in the works. Distribution rights to all of the Peller wines would remain with Vincor, A Constellation Company. Liquors and beers are not affected by this new development; they will continue to be sold through the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, and The Beer Store, Not A Crown Corporation.

 

There are 165 Wine Rack stores in the Vincor, A Constellation Company, portfolio. With Vineyards Estate Wines, there will be about 250, at a critical mass to take on the LCBO's 600 stores.

 

The strategy is to merge the Wine Rack and Vineyard Estates stores and rename them after the existing wine agency, Churchill Cellars Ltd. Constellation Brands apparently has the numbers and clout, say the retail marketing experts, to put up larger numbers in the table wine business than the LCBO, A Crown Corporation.

 

"With their combined agency and winery skills, the retail stores of Churchill Cellars Ltd. should be able to offer all the Vincor, Peller, imported Australian, American – and other international wines - that Constellation Brands own or otherwise distribute throughout the world. These products can be vended through the CCL stores, at a lower price than the LCBO is currently asking", says the source familiar with the ins and outs of the international liquor retail and wholesale business.

 

At the same time, Churchill Cellars Ltd. will continue to sell their wines to licensees and private customers. It will become a multi-faceted company engaging both the public and the private sector. Ontario, A Have-Not Province, Premier Grate McGinty welcomes this new development in the PPP [public-private partnership] spectrum. He said: "With the economy tanking these days, we need to look at new developments through innovative thinking. Enough revenue can be generated from this PPP to more than offset any losses at the LCBO. It also answers those critics who lament a lack of private ownership in the alcohol beverage business in Ontario, A Have-Not Province."

 

Neither the Wine Council of Ontario nor the Ontario Viniculture Association had any printable comments to make.

 

The LCBO, A Crown Corporation, has not responded to any emails on this matter, although an anonymous source in their accounting department has said that they have been well aware of the Peller purchase for some time. Everybody in the accounts section had worked 24/7 all week long on restating and resolving the dollar and mark-up numbers. A press conference is expected later this week.

 

More on this story as it develops…You betcha…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Christmas Wine Sales: reports from the field

I'm hearing reports from some wine agents that "Consignment" product sales to licensees are dropping, and that expensive wine sales are down. There are  even requests being made of some restaurants to pay their invoices as they order, so the agent won't be stuck with the bills after the restaurant inevitably closes or declares bankruptcy in January or February of 2009...

 

Distressing. Unstable economic conditions are causing havoc throughout the wine world, with top cru wines selling for half their September values.

 

Does anybody have hard figures from the recent Vintages auction? I saw a display advert in the Globe announcing a SECOND auction of presumably unsold product: Dec 6 and 7 are the dates. Will they sell?

 

Two recent art auctions crashed. Sotheby's Canada-Ritchies only had 60 % of its lots sold, and sold 66% by value. The Joyner Waddington sale of Nov 25 was less than half the sale of November 2007; they said 36% of their lots went unsold.

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Letter from Steve Kocsis of Mountain Road Winery, VQA Ontario re: rotting grapes in Ontario

Letter from Steve Kocsis of Mountain Road Winery, VQA Ontario:

Dear Kathy, Bill and Debbie,

As thousands of tons of Ontario grapes are thrown to the ground
to rot the Government of Ontario throws a bone for starving dog grape
growers and farm based wineries to fight over. The bone is barely enough to
feed a few, but hundreds will snarl and bite fighting to get a mouthful.

The cowardice of the GGO to confront the government on the real
issue of market access for 100% Ontario wine is to be expected from a
chained dog that heels to the jerk of its owner, the Government of Ontario.
Sit, beg, roll over, here is another bone for you to gnaw on but the meat
goes somewhere else.

The WCO is similarly chained to the Government of Ontario in
their pact to protect the current monopoly (Triopoly) of the LCBO, Vincor
and Andre's. They have three chains around their neck if you count the
Cellared in Canada giants' veto power at WCO. Their mandate is to market
imported and blended wines under the halo effect of VQA wines and the happy
faces of Ontario grape growers slowly starving to death but too proud to
show it on their faces.

The all time award for hypocrisy goes to the Government of
Ontario for pillaging the grape and wine industry wearing the hood of the
Green Belt to make it seem benign, greenwashing the economic bloodbath
taking place in wine country. Farmers and farm wineries are going into debt
review and bankruptcy and fire sale mode but no one dares speak the truth at
the peril of losing the work of a lifetime or perhaps the work of multiple
generations of lifetimes.

The government's cowardice to face the LCBO unions is
monumental. Their self-serving greed to build and maintain an overpaid and
under worked bureaucracy only mirrors the total lack of integrity that has
become the corporate culture of both the LCBO and Government of Ontario.

Ontario grapes rotting on the ground while the shelves are
filled with imported and imported/blended wines; shame on us all for not
taking to the streets with pick axes and WD-40 ing up the guillotines.

There is a solution, however, that is obvious.

Why not let the government create a monopoly to retail cars to
the public, making sure that only foreign cars are displayed on the car lot.
After all, cars are the most dangerous product on the market, they kill
thousands a year. Only the Car Control Board of Ontario (CCBO) is qualified
to sell this dangerous product to the public. Once they have pigged out at
this new trough, perhaps the right of Canadian farmers to take their product
to market guaranteed by the British North America Act could be reinstated.

All I want to do is grow grapes, make wine, take it to market
and make a living from the land. The only roadblock is the LCBO and the
Government of Ontario and their co-opted industry associations purportedly
representing our interests.

Steve Kocsis

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

Newspaper Wine Writing in Toronto

Apparently, the lineage allocated to wine writing in the Toronto newspaper world has shrunk dramatically over the past four months.

 

* The writer at the Globe and Mail seems to be making only cameo appearances.

* The writer at Metro has apparently moved to Metro online.

* The writer at the Star has had his Vintages coverage cut back.

* The writer at the Sun doesn`t seem to be in every week, and writes a smaller column than before,

* The writer at the National Post used to cover six wines or so, and lately has been cut back to three wines.

* The writer at Now is less featured, and while there are still three items being covered, there is less display space available.

* The Wine Ladies at 24 Hours now only answer just one question.

 

If I was a conspiracy theorist, I`d say the same fellow was writing all of the wine articles for all of the six newspaper outlets -- there are so few words being published that one wine writer can handle them all!

 

Any thoughts I can post, send them in...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com