The Beer Store raises majority age needed for return of bottles

TRAWNA –(GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, proudly watched by almost 4,000 people nationwide, was stunned today to learn about The Beer Store's problems with LCBO bottle returns.

 

In the Annual Report filed by the Ministry of Bottle Returns, Foxy Wine News Network read that the top-heavy bureaucratic management layering has created well over a dozen positions that "sunshine" salary legislation shows make over $100,000 a year each.

 

In addition, The Beer Store, running at a loss. was forced to promulgate and enforce new rules for bottle returns: Since you must be 19 or over (and prove it) to BUY bottles of alcoholic beverages and pay deposits, then you must be 19 or over to RETURN the bottles for the deposit money.

 

This has the concurrence of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty.

 

Apparently, sources tell us, The Beer Store has taken back vast quantities of empty bottles of gourmet olive oil and vinegars for deposit. They look too much like wine bottles. "It's been the young kids that do this, looking for a quick buck," said one source.

 

Another said that harried The Beer Store employees do not take the time to properly read labels. They miss the Nutritional Data listed on each bottle, a tip-off that the bottle is not an alcoholic beverage container and thus has had no deposit paid on it.

 

A third source reported that the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is losing millions of dollars each day. This money is needed to cover both the salaries of the layered management at the MBR and the mandatory training programs in "label reading" authorizewd for the Turks and Caicos Islands' seminar centres.

 

Foxy Wine News Network finds it hard to believe that that many bottles of olive oil and vinegars are sold each day in the province. There is some talk about the Seinfeld-Kramer Trucking Company bringing in empty bottles from Quebec and Manitoba.

 

More on this story as we develop the necessary research skills to investigate sales of olive oils and vinegars in Canada…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: ICBM launch of new Cellared in Canada wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network has just learned that the newly-formed International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs), an alliance devoted to the reformed CellaredInCanada™ program, will be launching two new series of wines.

 

The first series will be a critter series. "We did the due diligence thing," said a spokesperson the ICBM, "but found to our dismay that all of the best critter names were taken. Nevertheless, we are forging ahead with new red and white wines from off-shore and in-shore content, reflecting the character of the original countries, whether Chile, Argentina, Italy or Canada."

 

When asked what we can expect from the new names, the ICBM said, "We can still use critter names such as Scapegoat, Polecat, Cougar, Snake in the Grass, and Nag. All of these are under consideration."

 

The other series of wines, expected to appeal to a younger crowd by virtue of their low-alcohol content of some ten percent, will embrace the names of social media. There'll be a red wine label headed OMG, another dedicated to LOL, a third to RTFM, another to ROTFL, and even one labelled BFF. One can just imagine the ad campaign for BFF: hey, where's the beef?

 

The social media wines will be heavily advertised on Facebook, Twitter, My Space, LinkedIn, Blogger, Blogspot, and other sites for social writings. There will be no print or broadcast advertising, except for the critter wines.

 

At one time the ICBM was seriously interested in buying Freggie™ the all-fruit, all-vegetable wine, but research showed that the wine was 100% domestic and hence ineligible for funding as an ICB by Ontario, A Have-Not Province. The hostile takeover was quietly dropped.

 

All wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network to detail SomewhereElse wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, which launched last month to a stunning audience of 4,000 nationwide (almost 1,000 in the most-prized demographic group!), has just learned that the International and Canadian Blends Moguls (ICBMs) have created yet another line of wines.

 

To be named SomewhereElse™, the line will comprise some "100% homegrown fruit" (the word "homegrown" has not yet been defined) and be available for sale only in the wine stores operated by the ICBMs, which have all been re-branded as "Incoming Stores".

 

It is to be hoped that trading on the name "SomewhereNess" will direct a sales flow to the wine stores. Directors of SomwehereNess were not available for comment.

 

SomewhereElse™ will be up against Freggie™ the 100% homegrown fruit AND vegetable wine. A spokesperson for the ICBMs saw no conflict with Freggie™ since the latter's fruit is non-grape in form.

 

The new wine war between SomewhereElse™ and Freggie™ will be one of water rights for the stretch water component. Such territorial aggression will give new meaning to the ICBM's use of the word "Incoming" to describe their new offerings at their re-branded stores.

 

The Fruit Wineries of Ontario, who have a vested interest in Freggie™, are incensed over the matter, and they promise to launch a terroir-driven series of fruit wines emphasizing farms and orchards. Fruit varietals will be matched against soil samples; the process is expected to take several years.

 

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Ruled by The Grate McGinty has already suggested that they want nothing to do with the quarrels. Said a spokesperson, "This is all an internal matter, it has nothing to do with us. But of course they do need to resolve it".

 

More on this story as it develops…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

FW: GOSH: VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992

Dean,

Were these documents found in the Bin Laden compound by the Americans...they have been trying to copy the VQA for years and refused to pay Canada a royalty.

signed;  DZ with nothing better to do after spending the day hoeing and tying vines in my organic Riesling vineyard

---

From: dtudor@pathcom.com
To: dtudor2.fauxvoixvincuisine@blogger.com
Subject: GOSH: VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992
Date: Sun, 8 May 2011 13:50:49 -0400

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (with up to 4,000 viewers nationally) has just learned, to its astonishment, that a group of "leading Ontario winemakers" will be announcing this week at the SomewhereNess consumer show that the whole VQA system within Ontario viticulture was "entirely fabricated" between 1992 and 1994 by a team of winery project managers working "non-stop" to forge the relevant evidence.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Foxy Wine News, sifting through the documentation, has been pretty impressed with the evidence. They have been overwhelmed with names, dates, figures…

 

"We just started making things up," a spokesman explained. "Icewine, Meritage, vinifera such as Cabernet Franc (Cabernet what? Think about it), terroirs, the Bench system (St. David's? Welsh. Beamsville? Fred C. Dobbs), stretch water, hybrids such as Baco Noir or Vidal, Lake Erie North Shore (really? OMG), all the different legislation and Byzantine regulations, everything. Our biggest coup was sucking in the British Columbia government to copy our scheme. Nova Scotia was smarter: they did their due diligence."

 

Icewine, for example, was actually the work of a winery intern, a second year student at Brock University named Dwayne.

 

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty said, "That's the first I've heard of this. Our shelves are brimming with VQA products: it's real. You can see the logo on the bottles. How can they just make this up?"

 

The consortium of "leading Ontario winemakers", when notified of this response, simply stated: "Pretty tricky, huh?"

 

More on this startling development as it breaks wide open…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: VQA systrem a fabrication, entirely made up in 1992

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (with up to 4,000 viewers nationally) has just learned, to its astonishment, that a group of "leading Ontario winemakers" will be announcing this week at the SomewhereNess consumer show that the whole VQA system within Ontario viticulture was "entirely fabricated" between 1992 and 1994 by a team of winery project managers working "non-stop" to forge the relevant evidence.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Foxy Wine News, sifting through the documentation, has been pretty impressed with the evidence. They have been overwhelmed with names, dates, figures…

 

"We just started making things up," a spokesman explained. "Icewine, Meritage, vinifera such as Cabernet Franc (Cabernet what? Think about it), terroirs, the Bench system (St. David's? Welsh. Beamsville? Fred C. Dobbs), stretch water, hybrids such as Baco Noir or Vidal, Lake Erie North Shore (really? OMG), all the different legislation and Byzantine regulations, everything. Our biggest coup was sucking in the British Columbia government to copy our scheme. Nova Scotia was smarter: they did their due diligence."

 

Icewine, for example, was actually the work of a winery intern, a second year student at Brock University named Dwayne.

 

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty said, "That's the first I've heard of this. Our shelves are brimming with VQA products: it's real. You can see the logo on the bottles. How can they just make this up?"

 

The consortium of "leading Ontario winemakers", when notified of this response, simply stated: "Pretty tricky, huh?"

 

More on this startling development as it breaks wide open…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

Foxy Wine News Network creates two new wine shows.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network, viewed by up to 4,000 responsible people nationally, every night, continues to introduce new content.

 

First, Foxy Wine has secured the rights to Sarah Palin's Alaska series which promotes whitewater rafting, dog sledding, ATVing, game hunting and fishing. But they've introduced Canadian wine variations.

 

The spin-off for Ontario will be called "Tom Whodat's Niagara West-Glanbrook". It will cover the Peninsula, with Icewine banging, Asian lady bug crawling, pomace disposal, CellaredInCanada™ blending, burning vines and BBQ, VQA regulations, and other fun and games. There'll be a chance for viewers to connect through social media such as Fritter, Really Stupid Syndication (RSS), or My Face.

 

Second, Foxy Wine will begin its first reality television program, pitting CellaredInCanada™ and ICBM blends against VQA wines. They'll have naïve wine drinkers and some wine experts such as writers and sommeliers going through blind tastings of verticals and horizontals. There will be terroir specializations with right-wing terrorist groups.

 

They promise that someone will gag every week. And that someone else will get smashed or blotto and do funny things. The cameras will get right down inside the spittoon for that inside story. There'll be expectoration contests. There will be green room visits.

 

And, at the end of each show, one wine and one taster will be voted off the program. The last one standing, both a wine and a taster, will be guaranteed shelf space and a job at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province Controlled by The Grate McGinty. There'll also be a chance for viewers to connect through Fritter, RSS, or My Face.

 

This reality show, to be hosted by Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine New Services, will be known as "Dino's Vino Wino".

 

Stay tuned – every night at 10 PM (Adult Content only).

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Geneticists to splice new genes into Canadian grapes.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network was stunned to learn earlier today that Frankenwines are on their way to Canada.

 

No, not wines from Franken Haut-Rhin in Germany. Frankenwines, as in Frankenstein…

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

The top secret scientific enclave in the wine world, centered at the Canadian Wine Research Institute in Saskatchewan, has apparently been hard at work developing new genes for splicing into grapes, to make the grape more wine-worthy.

 

They've managed to create a grape with the Canadian zombie gene, the one that makes you return to the store to buy much more of the same wine.

 

From Steven Harper's DNA (which is apparently freely available for cloning purposes from the Conservative Party of Canada) the engineers have spliced in the cold gene to automatically create Icewine grapes, no matter what global warming climate change is doing. They have also combined the Canadian zombie gene with the Harper gene to create a demand for more Icewine among Canadians.

 

But the triumph may be with the geneticists who have now spliced in the oak gene to red wine grapes. This will save wineries about $1500 a barrel, barrels that they will no longer need to purchase, and allow them to reduce prices.

 

All new genetically-modified wines will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages for Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province led (for the moment) by The Grate McGinty.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: LCBO to charge wine writers 20 cents for each wine sample bottle received.

TORONTO -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- In its infinite double quest for creating a level playing field and creating new revenue streams, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, has apparently decided to DIRECTLY charge wine writers and others who receive free sample bottles of alcohol (wine, beers and spirits) for the twenty cent bottle deposit. The LCBO will soon require all agents and wineries, breweries and distilleries in Canada to inform them of the recipient of the free bottles so that the LCBO might send the recipients an invoice for the deposit.

 

A spokesman at the LCBO said today, "We didn't want the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to have to support wine writers by giving them the deposit for free. Some writers get a huge number of samples, and they are able to get a taxable benefit if they didn't initially pay the deposit. We don't believe in subsidizing anybody, certainly not to the detriment of the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. Fair is fair."

 

An industry source in the LCBO Accounting Department (and one familiar with the situation) said that the deposits on the samples given to some writers is large enough to constitute a taxable benefit. Having just gone through a battle with free perks and the like, with their employees no longer able to receive gifts, the LCBO is apparently going after similar situations in the outside world of alcohol beverage in Ontario.

 

But some writers feel that there is a certain element of tit for tat here.

 

Another well-known and respected wine writer feels that this is just another way for the LCBO to keep tabs on who is writing what and how much free wine they receive. After all, "Control" is the LCBO's middle name.

 

Still, the Canadian Wine Flacks and Hacks group wonders about the economic advantages. The bottle deposits must be recorded by the producer and transmitted to the LCBO, which then initiates the invoicing process. This last step costs a minimum of $25 for each invoice plus postage. At the end of the chain is the collection agency, which will probably be inevitable. It also invokes painful memories of the Green Permit book.

 

One wine blogger who also makes money off the ads on his website said that he might have to declare bankruptcy: "I'm totally dependent on the return deposit fee to buy food each month."

 

More as this story develops...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network team found dead.

TRAWNA – (GOSH/Foxy Wine News Network Services) – The entire GOSH Wine News Services and Foxy Wine News Network team has died after consuming a critter wine.

 

Early reports show Dean Tudor, Miffed Mole, and Brett Grimsby suffered from serious wounds – resembling animal and dog scratches – that covered their bodies. Their tongues and mouths, though, were untouched. The pathologist who performed the autopsies said this inconsistency is down to the fact that the three were expert wine tasters with golden SuperTaster™ palates. Obviously the critter wines were too smooth and innocuous to make dents in their taste buds.

 

Colleagues said these news editors and writers had recently received threatening notes, which were addressed to them and anonymously left in the broadcast studios of the Foxy Wine News Network.

 

Dean Tudor had just spoken an Editorial in the studio slamming the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province which had just changed its management model from an Open Mind concept to a Face Value concept.

 

Brett Grimsby had just turned in his video Editorial favouring the retention of water in CellaredInCanada™ wines and the subsequent dilution of FruitWines™ in Ontario.

 

Miffed Mole was about to speak on how we should not allow the sale of the LCBO to private hands, even though Mayor Ford Pinto seems to be going ahead with the move.

 

Questions: who let the dogs out? How will this impact on wine writing in Ontario? Will the freeze on false news affect outstanding lawsuits now that the three leading principals, winners of two major SPIFFY Awards, are no longer with us?

 

A memorial programme will be announced shortly, in conjunction with CellaredInCanada™ wine service. Stay tuned for more PR broadsides from "Harpy Government" communications and "Ford Pinto Nation" rebuttals.

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH/FOXY Wine News: Red-Light District Approved by Ontario Government, LCBO HQ moves.

City Councillor Mammoliti sees Toronto Islands as top choice for a red-light district. – Toronto Star, March 23, 2011.

---------------------------------------------------

 

TORONTO – (GOSH Wine News Services/FOXY Wine News Network North) – In a stunning announcement to be made later today, Premier Grate McGinty of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, will endorse Councillor Mammoliti's concept for a series of clubs and brothels on the Toronto Islands.

 

"We welcome this as a terrific fund-raising activity for the multiple benefits of government subsidization to the good people of Toronto. This should help them manage their $750-million shortfall in the 2012 budget – and get us off the hook before the October election."

 

At the same time, the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er Clone, er Crown Corporation, will be moving its antiquated headquarters away from Lake Shore Boulevard to the newly created tenderloin district. Said a spokesperson, "The need for a new building, coupled with a need to be closer to the prime source of income, makes it incumbent that we go where the traffic is. We will be even better situated to remain completely insular."

 

"Our new HQ," said another spokesperson, "will have state-of-the art furnishings and reception areas, as well as 2012-style cubicles for staff. Every bit of the gravy inherent in new government buildings will be missing from this one."

 

Visitors to the new headquarters will be provided with a customized skiff (named "Tender Loin") that will ferry agents, staff, copious red wine for the loins, and media between the mainland and the red-wine-red-light district. It will stop when required at the floating casino in the harbour.

 

More on this story as it evolves…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Mayor Ford Pinto to privatize some Toronto LCBO stores

Ford to privatize Toronto Community Housing Corp.? "Absolutely" – headline in Toronto Star, March 3, 2011.

=========

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Foxy Wine News Network (a subsidiary of GOSH Wine News Services) has just learned that Mayor Ford Pinto has been working on a plan to privatize LCBO stores within the boundaries of the City of Toronto.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

The plan is apparently a simple one, even for Mayor Pinto. Toronto needs revenue and Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has just turned down a request for more funds.

 

"Here's what we're gonna do because I say so: we're gonna privatize all the retail stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province – but only EAST of Yonge Street. It'll be a perfect fit with our waste management program which will only run WEST of Yonge Street. Got that? Nobody will even notice the difference in the sale of booze, but the city of Toronto will reap immense sources of revenue. After all, I'm 300 pounds of fun!"

 

When questioned why EAST of Yonge, Brother Doug the Elder added: "It makes perfect sense. All of the spending is here. Store 10 at Scrivener Square, Store 217 at Queen's Quay, Store 355 at Bayview Village – they all offer between 1701 and 2000 Vintages products plus In-Store Discoveries. They're EAST of Yonge. There's nothing comparable in the west end. There's not a single store west of Yonge offering more than 1700 Vintages products. I looked it up; it's a public document in every bi-weekly Vintages catalogue."

 

"We've done the math," Mayor Pinto said. "We are prepared. The heavy drinking is EAST of Yonge. That's where we're gonna go. Contracts will be let out to the private sector to run the stores at a slight profit with markups moving to the city coffers."

 

Added Brother Doug the Elder, "Hey – my brother Pinto now has a 72 percent approval rating – he can do whatever he wants! Grate McGinty is at 16 percent. He has to heel to our commands, so far as Toronto is concerned."

 

Enabling legislation declaring the Toronto stores of the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, an "essential service" is expected by the end of March.

 

More on this story about Ford Pinto Nation as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network being investigated

The CRTC plan to lift ban on false news prompts political investigation – February newspaper headline.

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The multiple award-winning GOSH Wine News Services has confirmed that it is under investigation by Parliament for spreading false or misleading wine news. Its sister company, Foxy Wine News Network, is similarly being looked at.

 

A CRTC proposal that could make it easier to broadcast false or misleading news has prompted confusion and criticism among opposition MPs and consternation to many of the unions that represent Canadian journalists.

 

It has also led to allegations of interference by the Prime Minister's Office and a hastily called investigation by federal politicians.

 

"I don't know when I've been so pressed for details," said Dean Tudor, founder and co-owner of FauxVoixVinCuisine and Foxy Wine News Network (both are owned by GOSH Wine News Services). "This has been all so self-referential. Why now????"

 

A Parliamentary group has been pressing the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission for years to do something about a regulation that bans the broadcast of false or misleading news because the wording appears to contravene the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

 

The commission recently announced it was proposing to change the wording of the regulation to say that it applied only in cases in which broadcasters knew the information was false or misleading and that reporting it was likely to endanger the lives, health or safety of the public.

 

 "We've looked everywhere to try to find out who's pushing this, and we can't find anybody," said a spokesperson for the unions. But GOSH Wine News Services has deep sources who insist that the action has been spearheaded by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in order to try to shut down the GOSH/FauxVoix/Foxy Wine News Network complex, citing issues related to the health and safety of members of the public.

 

One example has been the amazing success of Freggie™, the all-fruit and vegetable ICB wine which has been shown to be all too healthy, and is taking away sales from other ICBs on the shelves. As most intelligent readers know, Freggie™ does not exist except in the mind of Dean Tudor. Yet sales demand for this product continue to plague the liquor and wine stores of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

But as an opposition spokesperson said, "We all know our Prime Minister well enough to say we don't have to be in the realm of conspiracy theory here. We can draw our conclusions and they are pretty clear."

 

Behind the scenes, officials say the timing is purely coincidental, the PMO had nothing to do with it, and that the CRTC simply realized it eventually had to answer the concerns of the regulatory committee.

 

More on this story as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH : Wine Bloggers Association Adopts NOT

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that there has been widespread adaptation by various wine writing groups, such as the Wine Bloggers Association of Canada, of the word "NOT".

 

Apparently, the key word NOT is now being used in Canada to mean one different concept when said in context of another concept, and that the two could be mutually exclusive but only in certain circumstances, as in "Not necessarily bilingualism, but bilingualism if necessary".

 

For example, it is now permissible to speak of VNOTQA wines such as the former CellaredInCanada™ or (the newly minted term) InternationalandCanadianBlends™. These are, of course, VNOTQA wines. Similarly, the new ICNOTB wines can be quite parallel to the VQA wines, and indeed will be priced as such.

 

The LCBO, according to "Not the Nine O'Clock News", will have to contend with its rival, the LNOTCBO, which is responsible for home made wine, (not) Fruit Wines of Ontario, and the FauxVoixVinCuisine website. Of course, the whole matter should be non-referential except for that latter sentence.

 

Both the LCBO, a Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-NOT (that word again!!) Province, and the LNOTCBO, A Have Province Unto Its Own, will stock the ICNOTB and VNOTQA wines together, on the same shelf.

 

GOSH has also learned that this use of the word NOT has been both endorsed and authorized by the Federal Government of Canada, to appear on all official documents.

 

Indeed, the funding grant given to Paroles Canada Words (the agency responsible for the creation and maintenance of Canadian words in play) plainly stipulates that wherever possible the words NOT and NE…PAS are to be both employed and enjoyed irrespective of actual meaning and circumstance.

 

More on this story as it develops……NOT

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: New magazine celebrates International and Canadian Blends wines

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- With changes in the Canadian wine world come changes at Shaw Media Inc.

 

CellaredInCanada(TM) wines (CICs) are now to be known as "International and Canadian Blends" (ICBs).

 

Shaw Media Inc. has bought CanWest, and with it, the "CellaredInCanada(TM) Food and Drink Magazine".

 

Because of Canadian wine changes, there will be changes in wine branding, and because of the new ownership of the CellaredInCanada magazine, there will be a re-titling and a re-launch.

 

Henceforth, from the Spring 2011 edition, "CellaredInCanada" magazine will be known as "Incoming; the ICBMagazine".

 

Details at the press conference/media launch, Drake Hotel, 4PM Tuesday February 29, 2011...

 

YOU ARE INVITED, RSVP regrets only.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

CanWest's Cellared in Canada Food and Drink magzine, contents for Winter 2011

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – CanWest today released the table of contents for its upcoming Winter 2011 magazine, "Cellared in Canada Food and Drink Magazine":

 

**How Canadian critters take over Cellared in Canada labels: the Beaver explains.

 

**101 uses for an empty Cellared in Canada PET bottle

 

**Dining: do Cellared in Canada workers really need free wine for lunch?

 

**Stretch water: the true, inside story of thieves thirsting for power.

 

**Taste and try before you buy: how to conduct a Cellared in Canada blind wine tasting to fool the experts,

 

**What became of the legendary Faberge egg wine?

 

**Pending legislation seeks to clarify availability of Cellared in Canada wines: was that to be domestic wine? Or just domesticated wine?

 

**Mousse: does sparkling Cellared in Canada wine have one, or is it just a joke?

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Ford Motor Company to re-launch Pinto and rebrand it.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Ford Motor Company of Canada will announce tomorrow that it is bringing back the plagued Pinto automobile.

 

This time, the car will be stylized as an "electric car" with no gasoline tank, thus eliminating the one explosive reason that the car was taken out of production.

 

The Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is ecstatic that hundreds of new jobs will be created. The car is intended to best use green power from windmills and wind turbines.

 

Ford is also exploring the use of electricity from methane gas production caused by the millions of Holstein cows in Ontario, A Not-Fart-Free Province.

 

GOSH has also learned from sources that the Pinto will be re-branded to shake off its previously poor image and to take advantage of the latest trends in naming or branding.

 

The new Pinto will be known as Pinot, to take advantage of the lust for California red wine of that name. The array of colours is expected to conform to both Canadian-Francophone desires and to the basic black of the original Ford, and to include the colours Pinot Noir, Pinot Gris, and Pinot Blanc. If you're Italian, you may choose Pinot Nero, Pinot Grigio, and Pinot Bianco. Later, Pinot Meunier (an off-white, dusty bone, flour-y colour) will be added to the array.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO Announces New Green Policy related to Transportation

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that the LCBO is changing its Green Policy.

 

Recognizing that it is actually more green to ship a lot of wine or spirits from Australia to Canada than to drive five kilometres to a store for a single bottle purchase (this return drive accounts for 30% of the overall global-warming emissions related to that one bottle), the LCBO is now implementing policy to regulate purchases, to ensure that it is Green and Efficient to buy alcohol at the LCBO.

 

Effective tomorrow, the LCBO will require proof of transportation before allowing a consumer to buy any alcohol.

 

If you are driving a car or a motorcycle, you will be required to purchase a minimum of one 12-bottle case of alcohol (it could be a mixed assortment) per visit. The purchase of one case is tied into the use of one vehicle, so it doesn't matter how many passengers there are.

 

If you arrived by public transit, you will be required to buy a minimum of three bottles. If you are walking or arriving by bicycle, you only need purchase one bottle.
 

Proof of your means of transportation will be needed on arrival, such as a car key with license tag, a transit transfer, or a bicycle. You'll be given a relevant tag which must be presented on check-out in order to obtain the bottles.

 

To help implement the system, the LCBO has brought back the Green Permit book, now so-named because of global warming climate change. The regulated purchases will need to be entered into the book along with the mode of transportation.

 

An industry source said that the book is needed to weed out the hired rubbies who would undoubtedly line up for single-bottle purchases in the stead of drivers parked nearby.

 

Said a spokesperson for the LCBO, "Hey, it's 1927 all over again!! We were prescient in using a "Green" book. We're returning to the Green Permit book after a fifty-year layoff!!"

 

More on this ecological happening as it plays out…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH celebrates a remarkable 2010!

 

TRAWNA --(GOSH Wine News Services) -- GOSH is pleased to announce that it is celebrating a remarkable 2010. Not only did we NOT get sued, but also we were the FIRST with such stories as --

 

n      Freggie™ launches both "Pinko" and "Gravy Stain" wines

n      Ontario Crown Corporations to stop telling the truth

n      Liberals to cut VQA prices

n      LCBO changes its unopened bottle policy

n      New iPhone wine apps

n      Mayor Ford's wine agenda

n      BATF regulations on wine over the Internet

n      LCBO-SAQ liaison to wholesale wine

n      Transparency Act to apply to the LCBO

n      LCBO to match the lowest alcohol product prices in Canada

n      LCBO stores to reuse G20 fences

n      CellaredInCanada™ wines to be served at the G8/20 functions

n      Release of secret fruit wine tasting notes

n      Supreme Court to force GOSH to reveal its sources

n      Car crash into LCBO building wipes out CIC section.

n      Book launch for "The CIC Affair"

n      The Mother of All Wine Apps

n      Olympic Glitch Wine Games

n      Toronto Mayoral candidates call for a boycott of Niagara wines

n      CellaredInCanada™ wines to be gold standard in blind tastings

n      FOXY Wine News Network unveiled

n      Toronto International Freggie™ Festival

n      CellaredInCanada™ Wine Society

n      Stretch water component media conference

n      LCBO poised to untax wines

n      FauxVoixVinCuisine wines another SPIFFY Award

 

We broke more than 75 stories during the year !

Now, we'd like to wish you and yours a very Happy New Year.

Visit us often in 2011 (so we can pay our media bills) at

http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2010 SPIFFY Award yet again...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2010 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

 

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news. [SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace…]. It's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

 

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of CellaredInCanada(TM) and Freggie(TM) stories. His spoofs in this area for 2010 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issue on which the spoofs are based is real.

 

The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) series would have had a higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such a local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issue. Nevertheless, the judges felt the ICB series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet, http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

 

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).

 

"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as (the late) Little Fat Wino and (the still with us) Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino had been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."

 

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

 

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

GOSH: WikiLeaks comes to Ontario wine industry

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – It has just been confirmed that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has hired the damage control firm of DeNile, Cover, and Exploit Inc.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Apparently, the WikiLeaks scandal has descended as far down as the sale of alcoholic beverages in Ontario. We are not sure what this means, but GOSH has surmised that intense speculation throughout the industry can only mean that such occurrences as secret wine tasting notes, price fixing, intraprovincial trading, and the like are about to be revealed soon.

 

Employees at the Crown Corporation have avoided GOSH's penetrating questions, Booze Ontario has refused to comment, the Winery and Growers' Allianze of Ontario did not return our calls, the Wine Counsel of Ontario hung up on us, and the Very Qualified Assessment board, while inviting us in for a drink, just smiled and refused to talk to us. Fruit Wines Ontario referred GOSH to the Freggie™ CellaredInCanada™ company. Wine Writer groups (real and bloggers) have avoided the issue in their writings. ICB Brands Inc. could not be contacted because they do not yet have a phone.

 

But this we have learned: the emails to be released by WikiLeaks will contain sordid information that could bring down a government. The question is: which government?

 

Apparently, the problem has been exacerbated by the records of people who get no respect in the industry. Said one industry source: "I'm so tired of being dissed."

 

"Name calling" seems to be about half the substance of the leaks.

 

More on this story as it slowly comes out…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com