GOSH: Cellared in Canada wines to get new bottles and labels. to include stretch water.

 

NEWS ITEM: The Wine Council has formed the Industry Working Group on Label Clarity to develop industry-led improvements to the labeling of blended wines. Our Board gave this committee a strict timeline for response - it has been mandated to report back by December 31, 2009 in order to ensure attention to this important review and to demonstrate that  we are serious about implementing improvements on a timely basis. -- Wine Council of Ontario email to Brett Grimsby.

 

 

 

TRAWNA  -- (GOSH Wine News Services) --  With the sky visibly falling down, Chic Little, CEO and CRO of the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) proclaimed today at a hurriedly called Press Conference:

 

"We're changing…we can do it…with your help we can be the wine that Canadians love to enjoy."

 

Stung by all the bad press revolving around the revelations that "Cellared in Canada" wines can be misleading and that labels are untruthful, Little has lashed out at the critics by promoting change.

 

"Whatever you have heard about Cellared in Canada wines, forget about it…we're on a new playing field. And this time it is on the level. We're tired of the media that disseminates only disparaging remarks and slanderous disinformation through out-of-context misquoting. We are now in full damage control mode!"

 

As readers should know by now, Cellared in Canada wines in British Columbia can be 100% imported wines. They have been represented by the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). In Ontario, there is a legislated ratio whereby the wines must be at least 30% domestic, and the balance can be stretch water (up to a prescribed limit) and offshore wines. These wines are represented by the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines.

 

Said Little: "We're working on developing a new bottle for the Ontario market. It will be a standard PET bottle for recycling, screw capped, and transparent. The labels will be clear to see. The words "Cellared in Canada" will be half-inch in height. There will be percentages listed, so consumers can tell right away which brand has the highest amount of Ontario wine or the lowest amount of stretch water, The standardized capsules will have a CIC logo."

 

Little went on: "But the best part about the bottle is its performance, which is why we are calling it the Puisse Café bottle. Each transparent bottle will have one-way slots to contain 70% or so of international wine, followed by a slot for the stretch water, followed by a third slot for the minimum 30% domestic wine. This way you can see the layers, the differences in colours, and yet be able to enjoy the full strength of the wine. If you are having a party, just pour the whole bottle into a decanter – there's no fuss or muss. If you feel like a little something from off-shore, just drink the top 70%. If you're thirsty, then stretch water is your next bet. If you want a domestic wine (and who doesn't?: they all meet strict CIC standards which are based on the QC and VQA standards), then just pour off the cheap 21 cent-a-litre offshore stuff, and the water, and then drink away -- but it's best with food."

 

Samples were provided at the press conference, and the media were busy pouring wine to see the effect of the slots and the change in the bottles. CIC food (burgers, fries, pizzas, wings, ribs) was served…look for an association between CIC wines and McDonald's real soon.

 

The LCBO immediately announced that while they would be collecting the 20 cent deposit on each bottle, they will not be returning the whole sum to the consumer who returns the bottle.  Said a spokesperson, "We don't pay out returnable deposits on stretch water."

 

Other plans for re-vamping Cellared in Canada wines include a sub-script on the label which states "Partially Parked in Canada" and a contest to engage the locavores in buying "local" wines.

 

Oh, and did you not know that bit about the stretch water? 

 

More on this developing story as it happens…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Export support for Fregggie(TM) added to AgriMarketing Program

REAL NEWS: "(Marketwire - Sept. 25, 2009) - The Government of Canada is investing $318,100 to help Canada's grape and wine producers increase international markets for their top quality products."

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning departure from the norm, the Federal Minister of Agriculture today announced that Freggie™, the fruit-vegetable "Cellared in Canada" wine, has been added to the list of VQA wines eligible to receive assistance through the AgriMarketing Program under the Growing Forward framework.

 

Freggie™ expects to get a decent portion of the $318,100 pie, given that it is the wine of choice amongst eHealth employees (both current and former).

 

Said Agri-Food Canada, "Our Government understands the importance of assisting our producers and processors to build on their success and increase global exports of world-class Canadian wines."

 

Freggie™ was developed as an alternative to the "Cellared in Canada" grape wine that has lately been in disgrace. It was to be an original blend of 70% Ontario fruit wine and 30% Ontario vegetable wine. Its main purpose was to eat up surpluses of produce.

 

Lately, though, producers of the newly invasive kudzu plant have been pressuring the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to add kudzu to the mix. If this happens, then the proportion of fruits to vegetables will change. Sources say that fruit will come out on top at 51%, with vegetables forming the rest of the mix. The status of the addition of Ontario water is still unclear, but would certainly go a long way to reducing the turgidity caused by fibrous vegetables.

 

A spokesperson for the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, said, "We welcome any new alcoholic product so long as it passes the Quality Assurance Laboratory tests and is promoted responsibly. Despite the past failures of the LCBO's storage policies (we did indeed NOT have rubber walls as our former Chairman said), we are now open for business. A new source of latex has been found, and we can now offer any and all products made in Canada."

 

The AgriMarketing program, with an $88 million budget over four years, is assisting producers and processors to increase exports of Canada's safe, high-quality world-class products around the world. The program provides funding to develop and implement long-term international strategies and to undertake activities such as international market development, brand-building and industry-to-industry trade advocacy. Launched on April 7, 2009, the AgriMarketing program is part of the Trade and Market Development Program under Growing Forward.

 

It's a pity that Freggie™ (and other touted Canadian wines) will get only the pittance of $318,100 out of $88 million.

 

More on this story after top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby finds out why $100 was added to the original announced figure of $318K…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

Jean-Charles Boisset and Gina Gallo marry

http://www.decanter.com/news/news.php?id=289935

 

And -- they celebrated with bottles of Jackson-Triggs Proprietor's Selection Sparkling Chardonnay Brut!!! 

 

http://cms.jacksontriggswinery.com/ViewObject.aspx?sys-Portal=1&sys-Class=Wine&sys-ID=293

 

Does this mean that the Boisset-Gallo connection will merge with Constellation? 

 

Stay tuned for more FauxVoixVinCuisine as this story continues to unfold...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins SPIFFY Award for series on Cellared in Canada wines

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

 

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news. [SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace…]. It's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

 

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the least known sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of "Cellared in Canada" stories. His spoofs in this area totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issue on which the spoofs are based is real.

 

The "Cellared in Canada" series would have had a higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if CICs were not such a local, immaterial regional issue. Nevertheless, the judges felt it had merit. CIC stories may be found at http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com. It is the leading wine satire site on the planet.

 

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the Cellared in Canada wine products could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some Cellared in Canada Sparkling Wine.

 

"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as Little Fat Wino and the Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino has been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."

 

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand Cellared in Canada wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

 

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: TIFF succeeds with new Cellared in Canada product labelled, uh, "Tiff"

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning announcement from off the red carpet (and thereby lost to the broadcast media who hadn't a clue), the Toronto International Film Festival proclaimed a glowing success with its latest fundraiser.

 

That fundraiser was a "Cellared in Canada" wine brand fondly labelled "Tiff" in honour of the both the film festival and the recent acrimonious debate between the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines and the Canadian Cellared in Canada Wine Group – not to mention the growing resentment amongst other Ontario wine players (OVA, VQA, WCO).

 

One dollar from the sale of every carton of Tiff Cellared In Canada wine goes to support TIFF endeavours. Most of the imported wine used in the blend comes direct from the back lots of Hollywood or from surplus plantings of various celebrities and directors (Coppola, Fess Parker, Smothers, etc.). The wines were cuveed and the assemblage done at not-yet-dead-still-alive Michael Jackson's new King of Pop winery in Sudbury. He had used his influence in garnering the wines from his friends in the Hollywood industry.

 

Wine and film critics invited to the TIFF parties filled out comment cards, and noted that the red wines served at these functions tasted "unusual", "interesting", "berry palate", "light mouthfeel", "short finish", "typically Canadian", "acceptable", "gradevole" (said one Italian film critic)), "conventional", "correct", "decent", "convenable et quotidien" (said one French film critic), "everyday", "fair", "as expected", "familiar", "keeps to a middle ground", "generic", "crowd pleaser", "matter of fact wine", "honest", and "semplice" (said another Italian film critic).

 

The white wines were noted as "floral aromas", "no surprise", "innocuous", "legitimate wine", "mild", "modique" (said one French film critic), "natural", "positive", "nice", "quaffable", "proper", "more or less", "manages well-enough", "neat", "normal", "vinous", "no surprise here", "within bounds", "all-purpose", "useful", "obvious", "bien pensant" (according to one French film critic), "passable", "avoids excess", "small-framed", "pleasing", and "sottile" (said one Italian film critic).

 

Robert Parker Jr. and Jancis Robinson Sn. had been invited to share their comments. Parker called the wines straightforward, but with refinement, while Robinson characterized them as unpretentious and unspoiled, with an unvarying and uniform universal profile. Parker disagreed, saying that the wines were typical, traditional, tolerable, and quite telling in being true to their post-phylloxera roots. Robinson's rebuttal was, as usual, unspecified.

 

The counter-tasters from the Wine Bloggers of Canada called the wines subtle, propitious, somewhat real, a bit standard, satisfactorily regular, with Franco-Canadians adding "candide", "sodo", and "robuste".

 

Nevertheless, fine Canadian movies deserve fine Cellared in Canada wines supported by the Hollywood infusion.

 

More on TIFF and its wines as it happens…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Sillyballs to buy "Cellared in Canada" brand, re-locate to Hamilton.

NEWS ITEM:  Jim Balsillie's bid to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and move them to Southern Ontario appeared to take a hit late Friday when representatives for the biggest creditor in the bankruptcy case said they backed the NHL's offer to take over the club. The process began in early May when Balsillie agreed to buy the franchise out of bankruptcy from Coyotes owner Jerry Moyes and move it to Hamilton, Ont. -- CBC Sports

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a stunning announcement today, billionaire James Sillyballs has proclaimed that he has bought the rights to a "Cellared in Canada" brand from the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines. He will immediately move the brand to Hamilton, increase its Canadian content to 51%, decrease its price, and change the label's typeface to a larger and more readable font to stress "truth in labelling".

 

In addition, he said at the press conference held in Niagara-on-the-Lake (admittedly, hostile territory, but then he does have the silly balls to do it), "We're going to proudly label this sucker so the Canadian consumer knows its origins. We're labelling it: "51% Ontario grown fruit", and to hell with the legislation prohibiting the use of the word Ontario.

 

"We're open for business – we'll be buying grapes from all over the province. If we are successful, we can up the percentage content to maybe 60 – 75% Ontario fruit.

 

"And yes, we're going to be in every market that VQA is. I will personally visit every LCBO, A Crown Corporation, outlet in this have-not province, inspecting the shelf location of my Cellared in Canada (CIC) wine.

 

"We expect to re-brand the wine to conform to other animal labels. So far our marketing department is wavering between "Phoenix" and "Coyote". Expect an announcement soonest."

 

When asked to comment, many grape growers were pleased that they will be able to sell their grapes instead of having them die on the vine. "Sillyballs rescued us just in time – we couldn't go through another year of losing money."

 

At the same time, the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, was enthusiastic: "Hey, whatever it takes to sell wine and make money for the Good People of Ontario, A Have-Not Province. We'll comply with whatever he offers us."

 

The Ontario Wine Council, unlike the NHL, immediately invited Sillyballs to apply for membership, while the VQA was not amused. The OVA, through its Little Fat Wino spokesperson, has offered Sillyballs first rights to Freggie™ the all-Ontario fruit and vegetable wine. Sillyballs said that he would consider it. "I love carrots", he remarked.

 

More on this Cellared in Canada story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Cellared in Canada Business Management program collapses

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- Former students of the Canadian College of Haute Cuisine are alleging that they were misled into taking a program that left them unqualified in their field.

 

Three students who took the Cellared in Canada Business Management program at the CCHC claim it didn't have the ability to confer the industry designations it promised, despite the joint sponsorship of the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines and the Canadian Cellared in Canada Wine Group.

 

They have launched a class action lawsuit against the CCHC and are seeking $11 million dollars in damages. Their lawyer said a court date has been set for October.

 

The proposed class-action lawsuit against the CCHC has not been certified by the courts, and the allegations have not been proven in court.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

When asked for a statement, the students said: "We were told that Cellared in Canada wine products were on the cutting edge of Canadian viniculture, and there would be plenty of entitlement jobs available. Sales were rising exponentially every year, and there were supposed to be scores of opportunities to get into a cushy-cozy management position through entitlement. We weren't actually supposed to make the stuff, just know how the blend was done.

 

"Then the pomace hit the fan when the Olympic wine scandal broke. Imagine using imported wine to raise money for the Olympics! The public awareness of the fraud of CIC wines made all of us entitlement students redundant. It was all a waste of time and money. Somebody should pay for these jobs that we were entitled to get.

 

"We're also tired of denials and tweets like NMP or DEGT. The industry should have been looking out for us – two years of our lives were wasted with false entitlement partying."

 

When asked for a comment, the Canadian College of Haute Cuisine decided to close for the Fall term. The Ontario Wine Council is keeping its options open, and decided to be GFTD.

 

More on this mis-education entitlement miscue as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Ontario Wine Council to merge with Ontario Vinous Associates.

REAL NEWS: "It's in the interest of all Conservatives – Progressive Conservatives and the latter-day group – to come together in support of common principles," Mr. Mulroney said in an interview – Globe and Mail, Aug 27, 2009.

 

 

FAUX VOIX GOSH NEWS:

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Service) – In a dramatic attempt to save the failing Ontario wine economy, GOSH Wine News Service has learned that the Ontario Wine Council and the Ontario Vinous Associates groups have come together in support of common principles.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for weeks now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

While the Ontario Wine Council negotiates with the Ontario Grape Producers to come up with the best possible settlement of grape prices, the OVA prefers to be known as a latter-day group, a collection of revolutionaries determined to break into the Ontario wine market by specializing in non-grape wines, such as apple, pear, black currant, even Freggie™, the recently launched fruit-vegetable "Cellared in Canada" combo.

 

"We simply have to put aside our differences: more people are drinking spirits and beers," says Jim Warren, who currently runs the Ontario Vinous Associates and who is the man most likely to be in charge of any restructured OWC. "We have to create a buzz about wine, whether from grapes or any other fruit-veggie source. We should stop sniping at each other – there is plenty of room for all of us, even the Cellared in Canada program, which will soon be 51% Ontario fruit and proudly labelled on the container in 16 point type."

 

Earlier, the Ontario Vinous Associates had issued a statement expressing embarrassment that VANOC 2010 losses would be covered by the IOC, the first time this has happened in IOC history. "The shame of it, that Canadians could not drink more Cellared in Canada product which donated $1.25 from each bottle to the Canadian Olympics. We need to get with the program and consume, consume, consume. If more non-grape wines were allowed into the Olympic program, we could have put VANOC 2010 over the top."

 

When asked to comment, the VQA (the Very Quaffable Alcohol group), replied: "NMP and DEGT".

 

More on this merger as it happens…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Iceland seeks entry to EU, claims name "Icewine"

TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - In a dramatic announcement today,
Iceland is laying claim to the term Icewine. As a condition of entry in to
the European Union, Iceland has asked the EU to control the word. All wines
from Iceland are to be named Icewine.

Apparently, the country of Iceland wants into the wine action. With global
warming, their vines should propagate quite nicely, and they want name
protection. Bjork has agreed to be the national spokesperson; she will be
prominently featured on billboards and TV videos, touting the wonders of an
elixir Icewine.

The country is claiming PDO status: Protected Designation of Origin. The
protection of geographical indications was extended to foodstuffs and other
agricultural products in 1992. Given the widely different national
provisions, power has been given to the European Commission to ensure a
harmonized protection across the European Union. It is currently governed by
the Regulation on the protection of geographical indications and
designations of origin for agricultural products and foodstuffs (No
510/2006).

In Canada, a 2003 agreement made with the EU provides for protection of the
names of wine and spirits. The new classification of names will be done in
phases. By the end of 2013, all of the affected names will be protected,
including Chablis, Champagne, Port, and Sherry. Now, with the projected
entry of Iceland into the EU, the name Icewine has been added to that list.

Both the Wine Council of Ontario and the Vintner's Quality Alliance are
furious; many individual wineries and grape growers are terrified, dazed and
confused.

"This could not have happened at a worse time," says Jim Warren, currently
president of the majority of Ontario wineries. "We know that there is an
oversupply of Icewine in this country and we are doing our level best to
move the product. The 200 mL bottle should help, especially if Icewine is
displayed on the perfume counters. We're even playing with atomizers.

"We know that we've got to move by 2013. We're spending a lot of time and
money on marketing, such as cross-promoting icewine martinis, icewine
chocolates, icewine yogurt, and double-double ices (wine and cream). We'll
just have to do better."

It had been proposed that all interested parties in Canada brainstorm to
come up with a new name for Icewine post-2013, such as "Frostwine",
"Frostbite", "Frostbyte", "Permawine", Permafrostwine", "Hoarfrost Wine",
and others.

Focus groups have apparently liked the shortened "Hoarwine", finding it more
appropriate (Hoar is the Norse God of Revenge), and even naughty. One wine
blogger commented, "Can you just imagine the label "Strut Hoarwine"? Or
"Girls Night Out Hoarwine"? It'll revolutionize marketing in Canada."

Key protagonists in this issue are pointing fingers, playing the blame game:
it is all the fault of the LCBO for not listing more Icewine; wine writers
should given more copy space to Icewine; the Conservative government has too
many enemies in the EU; and the tree huggers didn't believe in Icewine
anyway since the climate will be too warm after 2013.

The European Union's new wine regulations came into force as of August 1,
2009, ushering in a new era for the European wine industry. The hotly
debated plans - agreed by agriculture ministers in December 2007 - aim to
modernise the European wine trade and improve its competitiveness in the
face of a growing challenge from the New World.

The reform will also bring in new simpler labelling laws. All wine labels
are now allowed to mention grape variety and vintage on the label. The
French AOC becomes AOP (Appellation d'Origin Protegée) and the equivalent of
vin de pays wines will now be known as IGPs (Indication Geographique
Protegée). Iceland would have control of "Icewine" as an AOP, IGP, and
DOP/PDO.

But Mariann Fischer Boel, European Commissioner for Agriculture and Rural
Development, said: "Member States and producers have a great opportunity to
make the best use of the new wine regime to build on Europe's international
reputation for excellence. I truly believe this marks a turning point in our
wine sector's history."

The money that used to fund distillation subsidies will now be redirected to
wine promotion and the modernisation of vineyards and cellars. Iceland has
applied for a larger "newest member" share of these funds, claiming that its
vineyards are an emerging agribusiness.

The New World has seen its share of global wine sales rise from 3% in 1990
to 30% in 2008, according to the OIV.

More from Brett Grimsby, our top investigative wine reporter, as this
dramatic story unfolds over the NEXT FOUR YEARS.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com

BOOK REVIEW: Hesitating at the Cask

 

HESITATING AT THE CASK: reflections on spotting the differences between "Cellared in Canada" wines and "Vintners' Quality Alliance" wines. By Ann Tudor. Toronto: Molten Gold (a division of Gothic Epicures), 2009. 96p. pa. illus. ISBN 13-978-0-92000307-7. $15.00 plus $3.00 shipping & handling.

TO ORDER: Order through www.anntudor.ca (using PayPal) or email the author at atudor@pathcom.com.

 

 

                    * * *

 

In this collection of wry essays, Ann Tudor says things about aging wine that no one else is saying. She offers insights, though no solutions. What she gives us, in her unique voice, is not inspirational writing about growing vines. Instead, the word "subversive" comes to mind. You might laugh or you might cry, but you will certainly have a different view of buying Canadian wines after reading this little book.

 

You might try to read it in small bites, one essay at a time, but you'll find it hard to stop reading once you've started. The second time around you can read it more slowly and savour each clever, pithy phrase.

 

Perhaps the prospect of the Land of Wine scares you. Well, it won't be nearly as lonely and frightening when you approach it in the company of this unorthodox author, whose frank response to the wine aging process will make you grin (and then grimace) with recognition.

 

Anyone who has ever grown vines, who is currently growing vines, or who suspects that growing vines is in his/her future will want to read this book—and then buy additional copies to share with friends.

 

Visit www.anntudor.ca, where you will be able to read one of the essays and learn about Ann Tudor's other work.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

BAG - BOTTLE Trade Exchange to open in Toronto.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH has just learned that the "ladies who lunch" in Rosedale and Forest Hill have banded together for a BAG-BOTTLE exchange.

 

As their recessionary money runs out, the matrons need to do something: can they pull their kids out of private institutions? Can they pawn their furnishings? Stop buying at McEwan's? Fire the staff? Cut back on gardening? Renege on club memberships? Default on the mortgaged cottage?

 

No, but they can do something that will make them pin money and make the city clean at the same time. Their operation will be open to all of the residents of Trawna.

 

The whole thing began when the so-called "Bag" Ladies of Rosedale merged with the so-called "Bottle" Blonds of Forest Hill to form a profitable alliance. The Bottle Blonds were fed up with having to slink into a beer store to return their wine bottle empties for a 20 cent deposit. "It's so demeaning," said one blond. On the other hand, the Bag Ladies, not bothered by the clientele in beer stores, were embarrassed to have to pay a nickel for plastic bags to be reused for garbage. "It's so demeaning", said one bag lady.

 

So an exchange began between the two groups.

 

And now, Trawna residents will be able to help out the ladies who lunch by trading value for value: four clean plastic bags for one clean empty wine bottle, or vice versa.

 

This brilliant conception of an exchange should reward the ladies who lunch as they can spend more of their time on profit-making projects.

 

Sources say that the Moore Park and Lawrence Park ladies are furious, and are considering opening their own trading posts. Word on the street is that the Old Mill ladies have set up an uber-exchange for after-hours trading between the Park ladies and the Hill and 'Dale ladies.

 

The exchanges are open to all consumers in the City of Toronto with proof of residency. Locations are being firmed up, to be staffed by the ladies who lunch. Consequently, these businesses will only be open from 10 AM to 11, and 4 PM to 6.

 

More on this story as the locations emerge…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

CLARIFICATION: Michael Jackson and Cellared in Canada wines.

POINT OF CLARIFICATION:

 

 

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to make it absolutely clear that the Michael Jackson now living in Sudbury (and written about in this blog on July 3 and July 8) and promoting his Cellared in Canada "Moonwalk" wines through the Association of Cellared in Canada Wines is the King of Pop (Junior Division) -- and is in no way the same person (or even related to) the Michael Jackson who has written about the barley products of beer and scotch, and who unfortunately died two years ago.

 

Also: the Michael Jackson aka King of Pop (Junior Division) now living in Sudbury is not related to the Michael Jackson of the All-Ontario Fruit Winery located in Wingham, Ontario.

 

Nor to Michael Jackson, the consumer at the Local Pub and Grill who merely consumes the stuff and pays for all of the Ontario Government debts with his purchases.

 

Nor to Michael Jackson the vineyard owner in Perth, Ontario.

 

Nor to Michael Jackson, the Product Consultant employed by the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Indeed, Michael Jackson aka King of Pop (Junior Division) and CEO of "Moonwalk" wines is now related to nobody…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: New fruit and vegetable wines for Ontario, LCBO shut out.

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a surprise announcement today, the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has mandated that a new wine be created to aid the fruit and vegetable farmers of Ontario. Fruit wineries have been conscripted to ferment and bottle the must.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for weeks now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

The wine, to be known as Freggie™, is a blend of 70% fruit wines and 30% vegetable wines, all to come from 100% Ontario growth. Our sources tell us that the product will be launched in 250mL, 500mL and lL TetraPaks. Apparently, it is to be sold only at farmers' markets in Ontario, year round, with a limited alcohol content of 10%.

 

Official representation has come from the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines, who have also determined that the old slogans and advertisements for the 1950s Canadian Freshie™ beverage mix have fallen into the public domain. They can now be reused, with the word "Freggie™".

 

Not to be outdone, the upstart Canadian Cellared in Canada Wine Group has come up with its own wine, to be known as V-8/F-4™, a collection of eight vegetable wines plus four fruit wines in a 70% vegetable wine and 30% fruit wine spread, reversing the percentages used in Freggie™. Their marketing slogan involves the phrase "Root Cellared in Canada Wines".

 

When asked to comment, Jim Warren (still busy chairing seven Ontario wineries plus one in Nova Scotia) who is Executive Director for Life of the Fruit Wines of Ontario, said: "While we regret not being to sell our fruit-only wines at farmers' markets in Ontario, we are happy to be making and bottling the wines. We have underused capacity at every fruit winery, and this will make for gainful employment. As a former Latin teacher, I wish them well and suggest a motto: Nunquam spuemus."

 

Sources at the LCBO, A Crown Corporation, said that management was disappointed that they were left out of the process. "We have so much to offer Freggie™ and V-8/F-4™ through our distribution channels that the wines would not normally be sold at. Not everyone can get to a farmers' market in Ontario. But I guess that they were unhappy with how we reacted to the Cellared in Canada wine, "Charlie's Winesluts."

 

Initial pre-orders from vegan restaurants have been encouraging.

 

More on this story as it develops.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO to announce wine policy change for summer; red wine no longer to be offered.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In a dramatic breakthrough in the cash crunch category of heavy inventory, the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, has made a decision to alleviate fiscal problems of long standing.

 

As it now develops, the LCBO will no longer be selling red wines during the summer period.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

"We have a whole shipload of wines in our warehouses," said spokesperson Miffed Mole.  "And quite frankly, we can make more money by offering this space as storage for some of Toronto's garbage. Certainly, it cannot smell any worse than the Cellared in Canada area here."

 

The plan is to sell only white wines, bubblies, and rose wines until Labour Day, and then honour the adage "Nothing white after Labour Day". By September 7, these wines should all sell out, reducing bloated inventory, and then the LCBO will once again be offering red wines, which are, of course, the preferred colour for fall, winter and spring.

 

Mole said: "Everybody with a wine diploma knows reds are the ultimate cool climate wines, so why not sell them In Ontario just at that cooler time of year?"

 

Consignment wines will not be affected, and may be the only summer source of red wines, along with Ontario winery stores. Unfortunately, true to form, fruit wines were never ever a factor.

 

Reactions from consumer focus groups were apparently enthusiastic since white wines and roses are demonstrably less expensive than red wines. Said one respondent: "I'm all in favour of cheaper wine. Bring it on!"

 

A press conference is being called for this Thursday, at LCBO HQ. More on this story then, as it develops…

 

www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Michael Jackson still alive, invests in Cellared in Canada wines, LCBO to test.

SUDBURY – (GOSH Wine New Services) – In the midst of all the chaos over the death of Michael Jackson (and this includes wills, estates, memorial services, and excessive public grieving), GOSH Wine News Services has learned that it has been all a HOAX.

 

Jackson is alive and well, and living in Sudbury, Ontario, where he can most comfortably do the Moonwalk. "A northern cooler climate agrees with me, and so should the wines," he said.

 

Supporting him in his quest for peace and quiet is Farrah Fawcett, who earlier preceded him to the Nirvana described as Sudbury.

 

Soon to join them both is Darth Grabinsky, convicted of fraud in looting LiveEnt. He will be sentenced to serve several years in the Sudbury area, according to our sources.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his story based on several interviews with sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

All three are getting together to sink millions in the creation of new Cellared in Canada products. Jackson will have his "Moonwalk" label, while Fawcett will concentrate on "Charlie's Winesluts". Darth will bring his marketing expertise to the enterprise and is slated to be the new CRO (Chief Restructuring Officer) as part of his community service. The LCBO will, of course, test the products before they go on sale.

 

Star-struck creditors are sure to line up to sample the new wines provided by both the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) and the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). But they will have to wait until the thousands of wine bloggers have had their way and say.

 

Unfortunately, the two major CIC wine associations are fighting to represent the lucrative wine contracts. The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) is disputing the legality of the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). ACCW claims an exclusive charter for foreign representation, while CICWA claims to represent the rights of foreign offshore products through the DOP program. This matter has been before the courts for years, and may never be resolved in out lifetime.

 

It is believed that if these Cellared in Canada wines take off from their location in Sudbury with successful sales, then VQA wines may not be far behind. GOSH has heard unsubstantiated rumours that Jackson is interested in fruit wineries, who would appear to be gung-ho for a new deal in Ontario.

 

More on this story as it unravels…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: The late Michael Jackson's involvement with Moonwalk Cellared in Canada wine

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Service) – The "Fallout" from the death of the late, lamented Michael Jackson continues. GOSH Wine News Service has just learned that The King of Pop (Junior Division) had invested in a new winery operation in Ontario.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story, and he files his material based on several interviews with sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Apparently, Jackson was impressed by the fine showing made here by the wine celebrities Gretzky, Weir and Aykroyd. He too wanted to be a winemaker and to create his mark on the Canadian landscape. The winery, to be based in Sudbury, was to be known as "Moonwalk", but it was to specialize just in "Cellared in Canada" wines.

 

Jackson had been led to believe that he could physically shelter his money in a wine cellar in Canada, but that to do so, he had to invest in a winery that would ostensibly be above board and offer only "Cellared in Canada" wines. Not knowing what that term meant, Jackson and his handlers stuffed millions of dollars into the operation, along with an equal investment in a TetraPak bottling line.

 

The Jackson Family are crying "foul", which is probably an apt tasting description of the wine known as "Moonwalk". Both red and white wines were to be offered.

 

At the same time, the two major CIC wine associations are fighting to represent the lucrative wine contract. The Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) is disputing the legality of the Cellared in Canada Wine Association (CICWA). ACCW claims an exclusive charter for foreign representation, while CICWA claims to represent the rights of foreign offshore products through the DOP program. This matter has been before the courts for years.

 

But the Jackson handlers never did due diligence. ACCW now claims that it can determine where the foreign content for newly established "Cellared in Canada" wines can come from, while CICWA claims that due to the Jackson US citizenship and state residence, that "Moonwalk" wine must come from California. Sources tell Grimsby that a Solomon court ruling will most likely mean that the 70% red wine component will be ACCW-derived, and can come from anywhere. The 70% white wine component will be CICWA-derived, and must come from California.

 

Legalists, who claim to gain the most from court costs, litigations, and resolutions, predict that this imbroglio will further decay the relationships among the Jackson Family, and lead to an all-out war between ACCW and CICWA in the "Cellared in Canada" wine campaign. Expect price reductions right across Canada, as "Moonwalk" attempts to take on the rest of the "Cellared in Canada" products.

 

Meanwhile, sources are keeping tight-lipped about the development of "Charlie's Winesluts", a new Cellared in Canada wine that was supposed to be backed by the late Farrah Fawcett, but seemed to get lost in the media shuffle-kerfuffle of Michael Jackson's "Moonwalk" Cellared in Canada wine.

 

More on this development as it happens…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH: Launch of new Cellared In Canada wine for Canada Day

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Servioes) – The GOSH Wine News Services has just learned of the upcoming launch of a new "Cellared in Canada" (CIC) wine product, apparently just in time for Canada Day.

 

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene of the secret-but-large winery for weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

What we do know is that in a salute to the Canadian North, the new CIC wine (to be available in both TetraPak and PET bottles) will be known as NUNAVUT.

 

What could be more appropriate than to have a national rollout of a Cellared In Canada wine for July 1, guaranteed to be 30% Canadian? 

 

The marketing campaign, to be on billboards everywhere, is supposed to have a wench winking her eye (nudge-nudge, wink-wink) as in the old days of the revered 1950s Pilsener Ice campaign, and saying "I'll have Nunavut".

 

 More on this story as it unfolds by Canada Day….Stay tuned

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Court Imposes Media Ban on Cellared in Canada Water Content Discussions

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine New Services) – In a stunning blow to wine democracy, an Ontario judge has just imposed a ban on media reporting about talks between the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, asserting that privacy trumps the public's right to know.

 

In a decision that could cripple reporters' efforts to write on behind-the-scene negotiations, the judge said that the press had no right to share a tip obtained from a source who wasn't supposed to leak the information.

 

The ruling by Superior Court Justice Brettan O'Myces backs the ACCW, whose lawyer went to court to prevent the Ontario Wine Review from reporting on the ACCW's out-of-court talks with the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

The Ontario government had allegedly colluded with the ACCW to suppress the details of the constituent parts of the Cellared in Canada wines.

 

At one time, CIC wines were to be 70% Canadian wine in content, with the remainder being a mixture of imported wines and water. Eight years ago, due to Ontario grape crop shortages, the blend became 99% imported wines and/or water, plus 1% Canadian wines and/or water. Then it stabilized, but the legislators, by misreading, managed to reverse the original percentages, and there is now a requirement that CIC wines can be up to 70% imported wines with filling out by Canadian wines, plus some water.

 

The Ontario Wine Review had attempted to find details about the water content, as specified by the RSO Water, er, Wine Content Act.

 

Judge O'Myces had already imposed a publication ban on the major Ontario newspapers. (How else to explain their shocking silence on the matter of adding water to wine, which is known as the Jesus Factor?).

 

In his written judgement, Justice O'Myces wrote that ACCW and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, were trying to reach a deal and both sides wanted the talks to remain confidential.

 

When asked to comment, the lawyer for the Ontario Wine Review, Commie Pinko, said reporting on the negotiations is in the public interest since it involves taxpayer dollars. Once the information is leaked to a reporter, he said, it becomes part of the public dissemination of knowledge, churgling through the Internet. He went on to state that the fault was with the ACCW and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, and not with the journalist who merely reported the leaks. No information was obtained by wiretaps or eavesdropping.

 

"There must be safeguards for reporters to write about non-public events that are in the public interest", he said. He went on to compare the issue of the cover-up of the water content in CIC wines to Watergate and the Pentagon papers.

 

Justice Brett O'Myces said that Pinko could be charged with contempt of court, and he extended the court order to also forbid reporting on the content and even the existence of talks between the Association for Cellared in Canada Wines (ACCW) and the Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for weeks now, and he filed his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

This debate between freedom of expression and the protection of privacy centres around the answers to the following questions being discussed by Miffed Mole: Just how much water can be added? Is the water to be filtered? Should there be a taste panel called Water Quality Alliance? What scoring parameters should be used? How best can we market this diluted product? How can we justify an LCBO mark-up on water? Can water be taxed separately? Is the water always inspected for E. coli. ? Bottom line: just how much can we get away with and make tons of money?

 

GOSH Wine News Services is not sure how long it will be in operation since we are reporting in the face of a court-dictated media ban. More on this story as it develops, and as we continue to fight for the rights of wine democracy in Ontario, Soon to Be A Have-Water-Have-Not-Wine Province. The truth will never ever be suppressed…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

GOSH Shocker: LCBO to be New VANOC sponsor ?

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – With eight months until the Winter Games, VANOC has lacked a full roster of sponsors for the Winter Olympics. A large gap of some $35-million looms as the IOC tries to deliver on its promised roster of 11 global sponsors. It currently has just nine sponsors, but apparently there is a surprise backer waiting in the wings.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for weeks now, and he files his story based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known.

 

Grimsby has all the details on this shocker: the new sponsor is the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Crown Corporation.

 

The LCBO has apparently been mulling over the situation for quite some time. Deeply placed sources say that the LCBO has always wanted to go "National", and that this might be its best chance.

 

One source said, "We do have a lot of inventory to move, and this'll be our golden opportunity. Our prices have consistently been below the BC Liquor Store prices – and they will continue to be low. At the same time, we'll be doing feelgood stuff by supporting the Olympics. Besides, it'll cover us should there be labour difficulties in Ontario."

 

Vincor, A Constellation Company, had no comment on the matter, except to say that its 100% VQA Esprit wine (to be sold at the Olympics) will now just be sourced from BC grapes only, shutting out Ontario grape growers. A spokesperson from the Government of Ontario, A Have Not Province, was not amused by either actions of the LCBO or Vincor. "This is all so petty", one deeply placed source said. "We don't need this grape hassle now that our summertime is fully occupied with the automotive sector and eHealth and. . ."

 

More on this story as it develops. . .

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: An Ontario Government scheme to avert revenue loss caused by pending LCBO strike

TRAWNA - (GOSH Wine News Services) - BREAKING NEWS just in:

The government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, claims to have come up with
a scheme to avert the loss of income through any LCBO strike or lockout.

Top wine investigative reporter Brett Grimsby has been on the scene for
weeks now, and he files this story based on several interviews with Miffed
Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the
situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were
not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre
of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been
finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not
have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may
or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific
timeline is not really known.

What is known, says Grimsby, is that a secret protocol is in the process of
being developed between the Treasury Board of Ontario, A Have-Not Province,
and the Ontario Viniculture Association, A Have-Not Wine Association. Says
Grimsby, "The protocol should be mutually advantageous to both parties. My
sources tell me that in event of a strike or lockout by the LCBO, special
enabling legislation and regulations will be passed allowing all OVA members
to sell wines in outlets throughout Ontario. This will mean farmers'
markets, crafts fairs, vegetable and fruit roadside vending booths, anything
under a tent such as circuses, maybe even Dollaramas."

OVA has secretly been advising its members to ramp up bottling lines, to
produce everything they possibly can in advance of any shutdown expected
after June 24, 2009. The Wine Counsel is not amused, and has been advising
its members to also be prepared in its wine store operations for June 24.

Concerns have been raised within the OVA, over the real possibility that
there might NOT be a strike. Questions have been asked about wine bottling
surpluses. The Ontario government, anxious for a continuing revenue stream,
has not really addressed this issue. Miffed Mole thinks that, if there is no
strike, then the government will simply walk away from the OVA wine surplus,
and expect OVA members to absorb the inventory costs. No bailout is
expected.

More on this exciting and exacting story as it unfolds.

Chimo! www.deantudor.com