GOSH: GOSH and Foxy Wine News Network being investigated

The CRTC plan to lift ban on false news prompts political investigation – February newspaper headline.

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The multiple award-winning GOSH Wine News Services has confirmed that it is under investigation by Parliament for spreading false or misleading wine news. Its sister company, Foxy Wine News Network, is similarly being looked at.

 

A CRTC proposal that could make it easier to broadcast false or misleading news has prompted confusion and criticism among opposition MPs and consternation to many of the unions that represent Canadian journalists.

 

It has also led to allegations of interference by the Prime Minister's Office and a hastily called investigation by federal politicians.

 

"I don't know when I've been so pressed for details," said Dean Tudor, founder and co-owner of FauxVoixVinCuisine and Foxy Wine News Network (both are owned by GOSH Wine News Services). "This has been all so self-referential. Why now????"

 

A Parliamentary group has been pressing the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission for years to do something about a regulation that bans the broadcast of false or misleading news because the wording appears to contravene the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

 

The commission recently announced it was proposing to change the wording of the regulation to say that it applied only in cases in which broadcasters knew the information was false or misleading and that reporting it was likely to endanger the lives, health or safety of the public.

 

 "We've looked everywhere to try to find out who's pushing this, and we can't find anybody," said a spokesperson for the unions. But GOSH Wine News Services has deep sources who insist that the action has been spearheaded by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, in order to try to shut down the GOSH/FauxVoix/Foxy Wine News Network complex, citing issues related to the health and safety of members of the public.

 

One example has been the amazing success of Freggie™, the all-fruit and vegetable ICB wine which has been shown to be all too healthy, and is taking away sales from other ICBs on the shelves. As most intelligent readers know, Freggie™ does not exist except in the mind of Dean Tudor. Yet sales demand for this product continue to plague the liquor and wine stores of Ontario, A Have-Not Province.

 

But as an opposition spokesperson said, "We all know our Prime Minister well enough to say we don't have to be in the realm of conspiracy theory here. We can draw our conclusions and they are pretty clear."

 

Behind the scenes, officials say the timing is purely coincidental, the PMO had nothing to do with it, and that the CRTC simply realized it eventually had to answer the concerns of the regulatory committee.

 

More on this story as it happens…

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH : Wine Bloggers Association Adopts NOT

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that there has been widespread adaptation by various wine writing groups, such as the Wine Bloggers Association of Canada, of the word "NOT".

 

Apparently, the key word NOT is now being used in Canada to mean one different concept when said in context of another concept, and that the two could be mutually exclusive but only in certain circumstances, as in "Not necessarily bilingualism, but bilingualism if necessary".

 

For example, it is now permissible to speak of VNOTQA wines such as the former CellaredInCanada™ or (the newly minted term) InternationalandCanadianBlends™. These are, of course, VNOTQA wines. Similarly, the new ICNOTB wines can be quite parallel to the VQA wines, and indeed will be priced as such.

 

The LCBO, according to "Not the Nine O'Clock News", will have to contend with its rival, the LNOTCBO, which is responsible for home made wine, (not) Fruit Wines of Ontario, and the FauxVoixVinCuisine website. Of course, the whole matter should be non-referential except for that latter sentence.

 

Both the LCBO, a Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-NOT (that word again!!) Province, and the LNOTCBO, A Have Province Unto Its Own, will stock the ICNOTB and VNOTQA wines together, on the same shelf.

 

GOSH has also learned that this use of the word NOT has been both endorsed and authorized by the Federal Government of Canada, to appear on all official documents.

 

Indeed, the funding grant given to Paroles Canada Words (the agency responsible for the creation and maintenance of Canadian words in play) plainly stipulates that wherever possible the words NOT and NE…PAS are to be both employed and enjoyed irrespective of actual meaning and circumstance.

 

More on this story as it develops……NOT

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

GOSH: New magazine celebrates International and Canadian Blends wines

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- With changes in the Canadian wine world come changes at Shaw Media Inc.

 

CellaredInCanada(TM) wines (CICs) are now to be known as "International and Canadian Blends" (ICBs).

 

Shaw Media Inc. has bought CanWest, and with it, the "CellaredInCanada(TM) Food and Drink Magazine".

 

Because of Canadian wine changes, there will be changes in wine branding, and because of the new ownership of the CellaredInCanada magazine, there will be a re-titling and a re-launch.

 

Henceforth, from the Spring 2011 edition, "CellaredInCanada" magazine will be known as "Incoming; the ICBMagazine".

 

Details at the press conference/media launch, Drake Hotel, 4PM Tuesday February 29, 2011...

 

YOU ARE INVITED, RSVP regrets only.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

CanWest's Cellared in Canada Food and Drink magzine, contents for Winter 2011

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – CanWest today released the table of contents for its upcoming Winter 2011 magazine, "Cellared in Canada Food and Drink Magazine":

 

**How Canadian critters take over Cellared in Canada labels: the Beaver explains.

 

**101 uses for an empty Cellared in Canada PET bottle

 

**Dining: do Cellared in Canada workers really need free wine for lunch?

 

**Stretch water: the true, inside story of thieves thirsting for power.

 

**Taste and try before you buy: how to conduct a Cellared in Canada blind wine tasting to fool the experts,

 

**What became of the legendary Faberge egg wine?

 

**Pending legislation seeks to clarify availability of Cellared in Canada wines: was that to be domestic wine? Or just domesticated wine?

 

**Mousse: does sparkling Cellared in Canada wine have one, or is it just a joke?

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Ford Motor Company to re-launch Pinto and rebrand it.

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The Ford Motor Company of Canada will announce tomorrow that it is bringing back the plagued Pinto automobile.

 

This time, the car will be stylized as an "electric car" with no gasoline tank, thus eliminating the one explosive reason that the car was taken out of production.

 

The Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, is ecstatic that hundreds of new jobs will be created. The car is intended to best use green power from windmills and wind turbines.

 

Ford is also exploring the use of electricity from methane gas production caused by the millions of Holstein cows in Ontario, A Not-Fart-Free Province.

 

GOSH has also learned from sources that the Pinto will be re-branded to shake off its previously poor image and to take advantage of the latest trends in naming or branding.

 

The new Pinto will be known as Pinot, to take advantage of the lust for California red wine of that name. The array of colours is expected to conform to both Canadian-Francophone desires and to the basic black of the original Ford, and to include the colours Pinot Noir, Pinot Gris, and Pinot Blanc. If you're Italian, you may choose Pinot Nero, Pinot Grigio, and Pinot Bianco. Later, Pinot Meunier (an off-white, dusty bone, flour-y colour) will be added to the array.

 

More on this story as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO Announces New Green Policy related to Transportation

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) -- GOSH Wine News Services has just learned that the LCBO is changing its Green Policy.

 

Recognizing that it is actually more green to ship a lot of wine or spirits from Australia to Canada than to drive five kilometres to a store for a single bottle purchase (this return drive accounts for 30% of the overall global-warming emissions related to that one bottle), the LCBO is now implementing policy to regulate purchases, to ensure that it is Green and Efficient to buy alcohol at the LCBO.

 

Effective tomorrow, the LCBO will require proof of transportation before allowing a consumer to buy any alcohol.

 

If you are driving a car or a motorcycle, you will be required to purchase a minimum of one 12-bottle case of alcohol (it could be a mixed assortment) per visit. The purchase of one case is tied into the use of one vehicle, so it doesn't matter how many passengers there are.

 

If you arrived by public transit, you will be required to buy a minimum of three bottles. If you are walking or arriving by bicycle, you only need purchase one bottle.
 

Proof of your means of transportation will be needed on arrival, such as a car key with license tag, a transit transfer, or a bicycle. You'll be given a relevant tag which must be presented on check-out in order to obtain the bottles.

 

To help implement the system, the LCBO has brought back the Green Permit book, now so-named because of global warming climate change. The regulated purchases will need to be entered into the book along with the mode of transportation.

 

An industry source said that the book is needed to weed out the hired rubbies who would undoubtedly line up for single-bottle purchases in the stead of drivers parked nearby.

 

Said a spokesperson for the LCBO, "Hey, it's 1927 all over again!! We were prescient in using a "Green" book. We're returning to the Green Permit book after a fifty-year layoff!!"

 

More on this ecological happening as it plays out…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH celebrates a remarkable 2010!

 

TRAWNA --(GOSH Wine News Services) -- GOSH is pleased to announce that it is celebrating a remarkable 2010. Not only did we NOT get sued, but also we were the FIRST with such stories as --

 

n      Freggie™ launches both "Pinko" and "Gravy Stain" wines

n      Ontario Crown Corporations to stop telling the truth

n      Liberals to cut VQA prices

n      LCBO changes its unopened bottle policy

n      New iPhone wine apps

n      Mayor Ford's wine agenda

n      BATF regulations on wine over the Internet

n      LCBO-SAQ liaison to wholesale wine

n      Transparency Act to apply to the LCBO

n      LCBO to match the lowest alcohol product prices in Canada

n      LCBO stores to reuse G20 fences

n      CellaredInCanada™ wines to be served at the G8/20 functions

n      Release of secret fruit wine tasting notes

n      Supreme Court to force GOSH to reveal its sources

n      Car crash into LCBO building wipes out CIC section.

n      Book launch for "The CIC Affair"

n      The Mother of All Wine Apps

n      Olympic Glitch Wine Games

n      Toronto Mayoral candidates call for a boycott of Niagara wines

n      CellaredInCanada™ wines to be gold standard in blind tastings

n      FOXY Wine News Network unveiled

n      Toronto International Freggie™ Festival

n      CellaredInCanada™ Wine Society

n      Stretch water component media conference

n      LCBO poised to untax wines

n      FauxVoixVinCuisine wines another SPIFFY Award

 

We broke more than 75 stories during the year !

Now, we'd like to wish you and yours a very Happy New Year.

Visit us often in 2011 (so we can pay our media bills) at

http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Dean Tudor wins 2010 SPIFFY Award yet again...

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In yet another stunning upset today, Dean Tudor of GOSH Wine News Services has swept the Barcelona Biennale 2010 SPIFFY Awards (Regional Division).

 

Held every two years, the SPIFFYs celebrate all that is bold and beautiful about false and fake news. [SPIFFY stands for Spoof-Parody-Imitation-Farce-Fabrication (in) YourFace…]. It's sponsored by the SJA (Surrealist Journalists Association) which is based in Barcelona.

 

Tudor won in the Regional Category (the most arcane sphere of parodies), with his relentless pursuit of CellaredInCanada(TM) and Freggie(TM) stories. His spoofs in this area for 2010 totalled well over two dozen, and have been acknowledged as some of the sharpest, most penetrating false news in recent history, although the issue on which the spoofs are based is real.

 

The International-Canadian Blend (ICB) series would have had a higher prominence and profile, and indeed, would have won big time in the overall "Best of Show" category if they were not such a local, immaterial, "who cares" regional issue. Nevertheless, the judges felt the ICB series had merit. Stories may be found at the leading wine satire site on the planet, http://fauxvoixvincuisine.blogspot.com.

 

In accepting the Award, Tudor had this to say – "This series commenting on the International-Canadian Blend wine products could not have happened without my top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby, or without my industry sources, Miffed Moles. To them I owe a debt of gratitude. They will share this award when I return to the puny wine colony known as Canada. We will celebrate with some newly disgorged sparkling Freggie(TM).

 

"I would also like to thank several spirited sources known as (the late) Little Fat Wino and (the still with us) Grape Guy – I know they are cringing at the thought of being named or mentioned, but it must be told. Little Fat Wino had been my Engineer and Grape Guy has been my Brakeman – otherwise, I'd have had a train wreck."

 

Dean Tudor is President and CEO of Gothic Epicures, an empire-building food and wine consultancy specializing in Restructuring and Dragons. His next Restructuring campaign is to re-brand the Cellared in Canada ICB wines as "Partially Parked in Canada".

 

More on the Victory Parade in Trawna when it is announced…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com

GOSH: WikiLeaks comes to Ontario wine industry

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – It has just been confirmed that the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has hired the damage control firm of DeNile, Cover, and Exploit Inc.

 

Top investigative wine reporter Brett Grimsby has been following this story for days now, and he files his report based on several interviews with Miffed Mole, the collective name for our sources who are familiar with the situation, and who spoke to him on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to divulge details while they were very close to the centre of discussions and while the matter under consideration had not yet been finalized nor announced to the public. While the decisions may or may not have been finalized internally, and while an announcement on the matter may or may not be imminent, possibly within the next week or two, that specific timeline is not really known. Sources should not be held responsible for the speculative and/or playful treatment of their research and/or disclosures.

 

Apparently, the WikiLeaks scandal has descended as far down as the sale of alcoholic beverages in Ontario. We are not sure what this means, but GOSH has surmised that intense speculation throughout the industry can only mean that such occurrences as secret wine tasting notes, price fixing, intraprovincial trading, and the like are about to be revealed soon.

 

Employees at the Crown Corporation have avoided GOSH's penetrating questions, Booze Ontario has refused to comment, the Winery and Growers' Allianze of Ontario did not return our calls, the Wine Counsel of Ontario hung up on us, and the Very Qualified Assessment board, while inviting us in for a drink, just smiled and refused to talk to us. Fruit Wines Ontario referred GOSH to the Freggie™ CellaredInCanada™ company. Wine Writer groups (real and bloggers) have avoided the issue in their writings. ICB Brands Inc. could not be contacted because they do not yet have a phone.

 

But this we have learned: the emails to be released by WikiLeaks will contain sordid information that could bring down a government. The question is: which government?

 

Apparently, the problem has been exacerbated by the records of people who get no respect in the industry. Said one industry source: "I'm so tired of being dissed."

 

"Name calling" seems to be about half the substance of the leaks.

 

More on this story as it slowly comes out…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Freggie unleashes second wine this week

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – The GOSH Wine News team has learned that Freggie™, the all-fruit and all-vegetable Ontario wine, is poised to release its SECOND top-secret wine in honour of the newly elected Council of the City of Toronto.

 

Last week it was announced that "Gravy Stain" would be forthcoming. Later this week, its new partner will be known as "Pinko".

 

The secret blend embraces raspberry juice, beet juice, and a dollop of Cherry juice. It will be sold at the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Clone, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province.

 

Freggie™ has advised that the wine must be stocked on the left side of the shelves.

 

More on this story as it evolves…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: Freggie launches "Gravy Stain" wine to commemorate new Mayor Ford

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) --  Later today at a special dinner in Toronto to celebrate the Coronation Of Robert ("that dirty little coward who shot Mr. Howard") Ford as its pre-apocalyptic Mayor, it will be announced that Freggie ™, the all-fruit, all-vegetable CellaredinCanada™ wine, will unleash the first in a series of special bottlings.

 

To be called "Gravy Stain", the Freggie™ creation will have a leaky top that will ensure a gravy stain whenever some one pours a drink – or, most likely, quaffs right out of the bottle.

 

It will be introduced by Don "Maraschino" Cherry. The stain cannot be removed, unlike political incumbents.

 

Positioned at $6 a litre, the grey-brown wine will also be highly sought after for its cute and inventive label. Said one wine writer, "The winery managed to eliminate that burning, lingering aftertaste."

 

It will be available exclusively as +000666 on the General List at all stores owned and operated by the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

Ontario Crown Corporations Orderd to Stop Telling the Truth

Grate McGinty Orders Crown Corporations to Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice; Fallout from Ontario WikiLeaks Mess. As extensively borrowed from Andy Borowitz at www.borowitzreport.com.

[Dedicated to the late, great Larry Paterson aka Little Fat Wino]

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – In the first major policy fallout from the Ontario WikiLeaks disclosures, the Grate McGinty has ordered all employees of the Crown Corporations of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, to "cease and desist telling the truth until further notice."

"We are working overtime to try to make sure that leaks like these don't happen again," the Premier's Office told reporters. "But until
we've got the leaks plugged, it's incumbent on all our Crown employees to put on their lying caps."

The Office noted that since many Crown employees are major political
donors with long careers in the business world, "this shouldn't be a reach for them."

But for those career employees who came up through the ranks, the
Treasury Board will be holding a series of "truth avoidance seminars," led by executives of the Toronto media.

Additionally, the Treasury Board said, the Liberal Government of Ontario, A Have-Not Province, would install on all employee computers new software called CandorShield™, which automatically translates truthful language into a less embarrassing truth-free version.

 

The Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of a Have-Not Province, is exempt from the rulings because nothing ever leaks from their containers.

More on this story as untruths generates…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

NEWS ALERT: CORRECTION to CLARIFICATION re: CORRECTION Notice on VQA wine prices.

NEWS ALERT -- NEWS ALERT -- NEWS ALERT

 

!!!!!!!!!! -- FOUR BELLS -- FOUR BELLS -- !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

**********************************************

 

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to issue a CORRECTION NOTICE to the CLARIFICATION NOTICE (Nov 21) of CORRECTION NOTICE of Nov 19: re changing VQA wine prices over the next five years.

 

GOSH  had said -- "We  had originally said: "Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed." To CLARIFY -- this has NOT been confirmed. Our egg whites did not clarify this muddled statement from our insider sources. There is every possibility that the numbers were reversed, and that VQA wines COULD increase at the phenomenal rate of 64% over the next five years. What has been confirmed is that the price of VQA wines will NOT increase 5% over the next 46 or 64 years."

 

It turns out that we NO LONGER have any "muddled"  insider sources -- they fled.

 

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to apologize and grovel for any inconvenience that its CLARIFICATION NOTICE to the CORRECTION NOTICE of Nov 19, 2010 had caused. We promise to do better -- until the next time.

 

More on this story as we continue to monitor the situation ...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

CLARIFICATION to CORRECTION re: VQA price hikes

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- CLARIFICATION NOTICE to hold off any potential law suits:

 

-- GOSH Wine News Services wishes to issue a CLARIFICATION to its CORRECTION notice dated  November 19, 2010.

 

We  had originally said: "Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed."

 

To CLARIFY -- this has NOT been confirmed. Our egg whites did not clarify this muddled statement from our insider sources.

 

There is every possibility that the numbers were reversed, and that VQA wines COULD increase at the phenomenal rate of 64% over the next five years. What has been confirmed is that the price of VQA wines will NOT increase 5% over the next 46 or 64 years.

 

GOSH Wine News Services wishes to apologize and grovel for any inconvenience that its CORRECTION notice had caused. We promise to do better -- until the next time.

 

More on this story as we strictly monitor our insider sources...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

CORRECTION by GOSH Wine News Services re: VQA Wines and Hydro Rates.

CORRECTION:

 

The item recently issued by GOSH Wine News Services which broke the news that VQA wines would begin selling at a discount of 10% was, in fact, released in error. Our inside sources had confused the word "hydro rates" with "VQA wines".

 

What our sources meant to communicate is that the hydro component of CellaredInCanada(TM) wines would be sold at a 10% discount. The stretch water component of CIC wines (code named "hydro") would be listed on all LCBO cash register receipts for CIC wines, and a value based on the stretch water component would be eligible for a 10% discount.

 

Over the next five years to 2015, unfortunately, the price of VQA wines will continue to climb by 46%. This has been confirmed.

 

More on this story as it happens...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH BREAKING NEWS: Liberals to cut VQA wine prices by 10 per cent.

BREAKING NEWS:  Liberals to cut VQA wine prices by 10 per cent.

 

Ontario Finance Minister Dwight Duncan is set to announce a substantial decrease in VQA wine prices for Ontario consumers Thursday.

 

The Liberal government will cut Ontarians' VQA wine bills by 10 per cent starting on Jan. 1, GOSH Wine News Services has learned.

 

Finance Minister Dwight Duncan, bolstered by a $1 billion reduction in the provincial deficit, is to announce "substantial VQA wine relief" in Thursday's fall economic statement.

 

The new "Ontario VQA Wine Benefit" will be clearly visible on cash register receipts and bills, which should jolt the Liberals' political fortunes with a provincial election set for Oct. 6, 2011.

 

It takes effect in the New Year.

 

Senior officials confided the cash relief is designed to help consumers cope with prices that continue to rise in part due to ambitious winery projects and new LCBO infrastructures.

 

"We want to help out and we want it to be meaningful," said one insider.

 

Other Liberal insiders believe the 10 per cent rebate is "a game changer" as the second-term government focuses more on pocketbook issues in an election year.

 

Speaking to reporters, Conservative leader Tim Hudak belittled the VQA wine relief. "This is another huge backtrack by the McGuinty government," Hudak said.

 

More on this breaking news as it develops…

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: LCBO changes unopened-bottle return policy, reserves deposit fee?

NEWS ITEM: On Sept. 30, the LCBO changed its unopened-bottle return policy so customers will need a receipt to get a refund or to exchange a bottle. (Toronto Star, Nov. 1, 2010)

---------------------------------------------------

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) - The Liquor Control Board of Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province, has quietly changed its unopened-bottle return policy so customers will now require a receipt to get a refund or exchange a bottle.

 

As of Sept. 30, the provincially owned monopoly had secretly decreed that retail customers have only 30 days from the date of purchase to get their money back or turn in unwanted products for something else. This policy was just announced November 1, a full thirty-one days since it became official.

 

The announcement blindsided many drinking patrons who regularly park themselves by the Corporation's doors.

 

"I had no idea," said one old-timer. "I thought everybody drank the bottles they bought. We certainly do," he said, gesticulating to his nearby friends who had surrounded a barrel that had a roaring fire.

 

In the event that a customer has lost or misplaced a receipt, the store manager could issue a gift card worth the same amount of the bottle. But it can then only be applied to Ontario VQA wine.

 

Said a spokesperson from the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, "We like to help the local wine industry. What's good for them is also good for us."

 

But it is speculated that those wine drinkers who do not want to consume Ontario VQA wines can barter for a receipt from one of the LCBO old-timers. Apparently, it has been found that LCBO staff never look closely at the receipts.

 

When asked to comment, Tin Whodat?, Conservative leader in Ontario, A Have-Not Province, expressed some conservatism: "Listen, if I have a bottle, I want to take back to the LCBO. I should be allowed to without a receipt — just like it has always been." [note: this is an actual quote from the Conservative leader]

 

At the same time, getting lost in the shuffle is the twenty cent credit for the deposit of the returned bottles. When this was pointed out to LCBO staff, the cashier said that it was just a software glitch, and that the refund would be posted to the buyer's account at a later date.

 

The LCBO is one of the world's largest alcohol retailers. It paid a $1.41 billion "dividend" to the Ontario government last year and an additional $405 million in provincial sales tax and $450 million in federal GST, excise taxes and customs duties.

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

GOSH: New iPhone app seen as a perk of Wine Writer membership.

TRAWNA -- (GOSH Wine News Services) -- The Wine Writers of Canada group is happy to announce that it has developed a new iPhone application for its members.

 

The app is free, but you must be a member of the group in order to download, install, and access it.

 

It's being seen by many as a major perk of membership.

 

The app, called Wino Function, has been developed with the co-operation of all of players in the Ontario, A Have-Not Province, wine industry.

 

Simply put: your iPhone will beep continuously starting at 20 minutes before the beginning of any wine function in the GTA. Or, if you live in the Canadian hinterland of Lake Erie, Winnipeg, Halifax, or Prince Rupert, the beeps will start 20 minutes before any wine function in your own area or region. The beeps are bilingual, but closely match the harmonics of "How Dry Am I?"

 

By picking up the phone, you will receive a text message itemizing details of the upcoming tasting. Depending on where you are at the time, you may never be late for another tasting again. The beeping stops as you arrive at the tasting.

 

This is considered a boon for those who attend several functions a day, because in addition to the announcement of the next upcoming tasting, there will always be a handy list of excuses for an early departure from a currently happening tasting.

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Slither Man promises wine for vote switchers.

NEWS ITEM: Toronto Life had reported (October, 2010) that mayoral candidate Rob Ford offered their feature writer: "bottles of wine as a gift when I visited him in his office and seemed puzzled that I thought it inappropriate, as a journalist, to accept what might be read as something other than an act of generosity."

_____________________________________________________________________ 

 

TRAWNA – (GOSH Wine News Services) – Defeated Trawna mayoral candidate Slither Man, in denial for more than a week, today will call a news conference to announce his plan for election.

 

Sources say that he has brokered a deal with the Liberal Control of Beverages in Ontario, A Clown, er, Crown Corporation of A Have-Not Province. Using his connections with the ruling Ontario Liberal government, he proposes giving a free beverage of choice Ontario wine to any voter who switches his vote from Ford Pinto to Slither Man. That beverage could be Freggie™, a fruit wine, VQA, or even the ever-popular CellaredinCanada™ wine. This action would also help the ailing Ontario wine industry.

 

It had already been pointed out to Slither Man that municipal votes, unlike provincial votes, are irreversible and cannot be switched. But he is determined to go through with the "new" election.

 

"If you can prove that you switched your vote from Ford Pinto to me, then I can get you a bottle of Ontario wine. All I need is a vote receipt, available from any District Returning Office." said the candidate.

 

Ford Pinto's response will apparently double the stake. "I will offer many bottles of Ontario wine just like I did to that media hack. Whatever he didn't take will be up for grabs. Nobody switches on me, you hear. Nobody."

 

When asked to comment on the stretch water component, both Ford Pinto and Slither Man professed ignorance and both walked away.

 

More on this story as it plays out…

 

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Ford Pinto`s Agenda

 

This just in, to GOSH Wine News Services --

 

We have just learned that Ford Pinto`s agenda, on which he has been beaverishly working in preparation for the day when he assumes office, will contain, among other things, the addition of "gravy" to the all-fruit, all-vegetable Freggie(TM) wine. This version of Freggie(TM) will only be available for sale within the City of Toronto as it offends both PETA and vegans, prime targets of Ford Pinto.

 

Freggie (TM) Toronto Subway Train, as it will be known, will be marketed as "Freggie(TM) Train:  the gravy taste drinkers can't wait to finish"

 

The gravy train aspect of Freggie(TM) has been widely rumoured for some time, since it is the leading all-fruit, all-vegetable wine in Ontario and hence susceptible to smear and negative marketing campaigns.

 

More on this story after the announcement of Ford Pinto's agenda...

 

Chimo!  www.deantudor.com AND http://gothicepicures.blogspot.com